Just thought I'd tell my story. It sounds very similar to many others here although there are some twists to the tale though. I married her 15 years ago. We have actually known each other for more than 25 years as we met when we were in high school and dated on and off until we were about 21. She married, I remained single although she called me every year on my birthday which I thought was nice. She divorced after 6 years as her husband was an alcoholic and never home. We hooked up through a mutual friend and were married about a year or two after her divorce. We have two children B/13 G/6, Fast forward to June 2005.

I noticed she was spending a ton of time on her cell phone in fact 4-6 hours a day. I asked her several times who she was talking to and she replied, "to a friend". Well, after several weeks of this, I continued asking her who she was talking to and the story changed from day to day. Finally, I checked the cell phone records and found the number. I ran the number through a service and got the persons name and address turned out it was another man living in California (we are in Illinois), I confronted her and she admitted she had met someone on classmates.com, she also said she'd not met him in person and he lived 2000 miles away.

I couldn't understand why she could share her thoughts and emotions with someone she had never met or really knew for that matter (sound familiar?) so, I did more investigative work (e-mail, voice mails, etc....) and discovered some alarming e-mails with her professing her undying love for this guy and her dream of the two of them walking hand-in-hand on the beach with our kids (and his, he has two from a previous marraige). After I found out who he was and what was going on, I thought the world was coming to an end. I called her Sister as I had no one else to turn to, I told her what was going on, when I mentioned his name, she literally dropped the phone! It turns out, he was romantically involved with my wife's sister 10-12 years ago when she was going through a divorce and she's actually known this guy since grade school as he is originally from Illinois!! This is Springer material for sure!!

Man!! Talk about getting hit in the head with a sledge hammer! At that point, I felt that the only course was divorce so, I consulted and attorney (she was persuing the same course while telling me she had no intention of splitting up, keep in mind I had access to all e-mails, voice mails, etc). I re-read a few of the e-mails and decided enough was enough! I filed for divorce, she was served on August 10th 2005. Up until the middle of January, the relationship was phone/internet only, well, they finally met the second week of Jan 2006. She took a week off of work to spend time with him under the guise of going to work. She even spent one night with him. That one was a tough one to deal with as the kids were wondering where mom was and I could only tell them, "I don't know" I can tell you that I regret filing for divorce and I think it forced the issue with her as she continually says she was pushed. I've made two attempts to drop the petition for divorce. She has a counter-petition in place and will not drop it. We are living in the same house throughout all of this so, it is very difficult for all of us.

I've been dealing with all the grief issues, I've been attending counseling and a divorce support group, it's been such a roller coaster. We've been to a mediator to deal with the custody and visitation issues. We came to an agreement so, I felt much better and was felling pretty good about moving on with my life. Well, a couple of weeks ago, she asks me if I would be interested in going out for a dinner "date". I'm game as I figure it can't hurt, I've accepted the fact that it takes two to have a marriage so, I am OK with living as a single parent and moving on although, on the same token, if she made the effort to patch things up, I would gladly do my part to make our marriage work.

It seems that she is having second thoughts. She hasn't really been thinking of the reality (and finality) of a divorce. It was easy for her the first time around since she had no children, this time it's a whole new ball game with innocent hearts (and minds) at stake. I'm really not sure what to make of it, she started looiking for a counselor. I've pointed her to savemymarriage.com. She even told me she and her lover were cooling it so she could make up her mind. Well, I saw an interesting e-mail this morning, he sent her a video of him masturbating telling her how much he missed her. I am no prude by any stretch of the imagination but it's pretty sick (and pathetic) in my opinion.

I am really at a juncture here. I am OK with being a 46 y/o divorced dad however, I really love my wife and would like to start anew with her on our new life. I'm really not sure what to do......

Thanks for reading this

BS

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

It sounds like your marriage is very salvageable. The starting place is Plan A. You can read all about it here. It includes no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts, and showing her what a great husband you can be.

Plan A is suggested for about 6 months, and then Plan B. Plan B is basically having no contact with her, except for matters regarding the children. It is to protect your love for her, and to let her see how life will be without you.

It is obvious this is just a fantasy and will not last. It sounds like this guy has a screw loose, sending a video like that to a married woman with children.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

You have lots of hope. It sounds like the A is already in danger, hooray, & you will feel much better and stronger as you learn more and more about how to kill the beast. (That would be the A, not your WW or the OM.)

Not that I was able to do this myself, but you might want to consider making copies of the pertinent emails or other proof, then scale back the snooping just for your own sake. You know all you need to in order to fight what you're dealing with, & the evil communications will sap a lot of energy from you. (Of course once you enter recovery, you will need to snoop to your heart's content, but cross that bridge when you come to it.)

Welcome to MB.

Your wife is in la la land hooking up with this idiot!



Well that is an understatement. I would save that email and video. In the worst case scenario if your marriage does end, I would use that video to get custody of your children because you most certainly don't want OM to be a part of their lives!

Who

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions. WhoMe, I'm not sure saving the video is going to amount to anything as it was sent from his cell phone to hers. She forwarded it to her e-mail and I believe she deleted it from her cell phone. I don't know for sure though. As much as I don't want this guy near my kids, unless they are having sex in front of the children, I'm guessing it's perfectly legal to send private pornographic images from one person to another.

BS,
dont be guessing at this point on what may or may not help your case if you do go to divorce. Let your attorney figure that out. Protect yourself! You might not ever need it but dont throw away any bullets just yet.

WCNT

It will depend on how much Spud can stand. I know if I had intercepted too many masturbatory emails, the only attorney I would have had to worry about would be my defense attorney in the (double) homicide case. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He should not throw away valuable intel, but if this drags on too long he may have to scale back for his own sake.

This is the first one like this. If she hadn't forwarded it to her e-mail account, I would have never seen it as it was sent to her cell phone. Part of me wants to confront her as she knows full well I can access her e-mail account at any time. If he is sending this kind of stuff to her, what is she sending to him?? Gotta wonder although her cell phone doesn't do video.

On the other hand, I have been trying to stop the snooping as it doesn't change anything. The A is happening, fact. He is in California, fact. They met in person a few weeks ago so, I'd say it's a fact that they spent plenty of time having sex. I'd also say that this A is all about ego for WS and OM. She is desired by someone, he is manipulating someone from afar, how much of an ego trip is that?? So, if they want to send naked videos to each other, who cares?!?! If she decides to spend her life with this Pool Boy, she must want to live her life like a porn star. So be it but as I've said.

Her life will become infinitely more complex. My life will become infinitely more simple. It's really her choice as I am OK with being a 46 y/o single Dad.

I've been trying elements of plan A and focusing on my happiness and the kids. It's the only thing I have control over.

Thanks again for listening....

BS

So, where can I get a list of the acronyms used throughout this site?

Acronyms are posted in the "Just Found Out" forum. Welcome to MB, Bark. While you're on the JFO forum, there are a couple of other permanent threads right at the top that you might review. Hang in there. Our thoughts are with you.

boundary number one...

the children are NOT going to California..
nor are they going to part of her fantasy of replacing you the DAD with 'new thingy'

contact your lawyer and proceed with plans for full custody...
what other choice is their..

you have proof that she wants to take the children from you....haven't seen many ocean side beaches with people walking them in illonios lately ..have you??

You take a strong admirable boundary on the children..

no contact with OM
no over nights with OM present with mom..
none
zilch

you become the stand up father..
start taking full ownership and involvement with children...
start to create the bond you and they will need to survive without her...all along inviting her in to the fold making her part all of you..

read up on Bobpures and mortarmans journeys...men who were men...and did the right thing by their children no matter the choas and insanity their spouses were he$$ bent on reigning down on them...

and through it all
you plan A
no power struggling
no argueing...
be charming
be happy..

whistle and hum as if you haven't a care.
get control of emotions that make you appear hurt and downtrodden..though you may feel that way and people here know your pain....
don't let it define you...

what are your questions about
exposure
plan A
and seeking full custody of the kids..

ARK

you contact the childrens school counselors and make them aware..

you expose her affair to family..

you seperate accounts so that you partake in NO FUNDING of her affair activities...

and then you PLAN A her...

Keep in mind, I filed and she was served back in August of 2005. It's been established that she CANNOT remove the children from the state without a court order. I have a pretty good attorney representing me. We've recently gone through the mediation process for custody/visitation.

WW isn't a bad person, she is a generally good person in the midst of a personal crisis so, unless I want to go full force and gain primary residential custody which would entail psyc evaulations, GAL's and the like I agreed to her being the primary residential and I have a visitation schedule that has my kids with my every other weekend from Thursday evening through Monday morning. On my "off" weekend, we would be together Tuesday/Thursday evenings and Tuesday evenings during the "on" weekend. The holiday schedule is extensive and we are together for 3 weeks in the summer.


I tried to write in a clause with no ovenight stays be an unrelated member of the opposite sex but she would not agree.



I have always been there for my kids and more now then ever before during these difficult times.


I will read up indeed. Thank you. I've been trying my hardest to keep my head up and control my emotions. Anti-anxiety meds have been helping as I've had many panic attacks albeit, typically when I am alone.

what are your questions about
exposure
plan A
and seeking full custody of the kids..

ARK


Did that 7 months ago and even volunteer as a helper at my daughters school.


And then some. They even have the e-mails she they've sent back and forth. Many stating she could care less what her family thinks and she can live without them


Done 8 months ago
As I've said, I have been using elements of plan A but need to read up on it more.....

Thanks again Ark!!

WW just called and said she's made an appointment this Friday with a Psychologist. This is the first positive move I've seen her make since this all started. I understand she might just be going to say, been there, done that, it didn't work however, she indicated 7 months ago that she would go albeit, I knew it was just to humor my rantings. I haven't mentioned any sort of counseling since then so, I believe this is the real deal since she really doesn't have a clue as to what it is she wants to do.

WW isn't a bad person, she is a generally good person in the midst of a personal crisis so, unless I want to go full force and gain primary residential custody which would entail psyc evaulations, GAL's and the like I agreed to her being the primary residential and I have a visitation schedule that has my kids with my every other weekend from Thursday evening through Monday morning. On my "off" weekend, we would be together Tuesday/Thursday evenings and Tuesday evenings during the "on" weekend. The holiday schedule is extensive and we are together for 3 weeks in the summer.

WS spouses are not bad persons...BUT they are great great threats to the well being of our children..

their ability to raionalize and justify their actions at the expense of the children is great...

this is why you must prepare for the worst..

her ability to make decisions that are for the good of the family are greatly greatly compromised..

her junky mind in the creation of some new and wonderful union of new dad and children...all wanting only her happiness is a strong strong drug.....

what are her 'reasons' that she has done this..
what claims she that was missing...

aRK

*** Post deleted based on new POJA related to feeling uneasy if I were to post on message boards where some responses are from either sex, also guessing spouse would feel disrespected if private family concerns were posted ***

Ark,

It's interesting. When I confronted her on D Day,she brought up a bunch of issues. I kept her in the dark financially (not true, I take care of the bills do all of it on computer and have always had a "just in case" file ready if I were to kick the bucket. I offered on a regular basis to sit down with her to show her everything). I didn't pay attention to her (True although she didn't either so, it takes two).

She also brought up the fact that I didn't appreciate her. This is probably true as we both had plenty of contempt for one another in the last few years.

I was snooping a bit more and saw some e-mails from a few years ago to one of her male friends (that I know) who is in the military. They were a but more chummy than I would expect with salutations like Hi Honey or darling with I Love You's strewn about. I wonder.....Is she incapable of a monogamous relationship? Perhaps this was her first attempt of straying outside our marriage. Come to think of it, it has similarities to the current A. Guy is far far away and it's all about romance (or whatever). So, Pool Boy comes alone and bang! she is hooked......

Gotta wonder......

Pool Boy has two kids from a previous marriage and they are here in Illinois so, it would be interesting if they did wind up together. So, what are the statistical chances of two people with children who've been married and divorced twice getting and staying married? I'm guessing there is a less than 10% chance of it working since niether of them is capable of a monogamous relationship.

Trust me, I wanted 50/50. She wouldn't agree as it was too much back and forth. She's put me in an impossible predicament. I would have to escalate this to an all out custody battle. My 13 y/o son is already a mess and in counseling. I don't want to make it any worse for them. I am guessing I will see them all the time anyway if she decides to go through with the D because she will want to spend plenty of time with Pool Boy.

Well, last night was nice. WW and I had some nice small talk about work, clothes and other stuff. This morning I think I blew it though as she caught me snooping on her cell phone! I noticed she left it sitting on the vanity in the Master Bath so, I turned it on to have a look. Well, she walked in just as I was putting it back so, I just handed it to her and it started.

She said, "here we go again, I can't trust you at all" I countered with "Yes, it's about trust for sure and I don't trust you at all. we need to put everything on the table if we want to move past these trust issues"

Well, we went back and forth for about 30 minutes or so. Whenever I brought up the fact that she was the one to break the trust bond, she said "sure, it's always my fault" Well, I re-iterated that she was the one who wandered outside the marriage. Anyway, she told me that if I want to see her phone, just ask, she proceeded to show me a few SMS messages just to appease me and I know she won't be keeping them on her phone anymore. Anyway, I kept a very civil tone and stated the facts and my feelings. I explained to her that I want to save our marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it so. I also told her that in order for her and I to move forward as a couple, OM must dissapear never to be seen or heard from again. I also told her that it must happen out in the open in plain view so there are no doubts.

I also told her that until she came to me last week stating that she isn't sure what she wants, I was OK with being a single Dad and had a place in my head where I envisioned how things could be without her.

I think I really set things back with the snooping thing. She didn't storm out of the room and stayed to talk which is a step in the right direction.

Thanks for listening.

BS

You have the duty to snoop. Try to avoid DJ's when you get caught. You might say "I agree, it is sad that there is no longer trust in our marriage", or something like that.

It does no good to tell them they are not trustworthy - they already know that.

TTT

DJ??? That is not in the acronym list......Thank you for the reply!!

I would set up anonymous email accounts on yahoo and then send the video to OM's work, family etc. But that is just me.