Let me first say THANK YOU to everyone for their posts & stories, I have been lurking for about a week now (DDay: 1/26/06) and this entire nightmare has been put in a perspective I never imagined, and reading everyone's posts helps tremendously.

Background: WS & I have been together for 13+yrs, married almost 5, have a 15m son. He has worked at his co. for 5yrs, started the A with a coworker 2 yrs ago. I caught him by finding text messages from OW & confronting him. He told me everything I wanted to know (& more), said he wanted to spend the rest of his life proving his love to me. Said he would quit his job that day, would call OW up right then & end it. Said alot of things along those lines that first night, come to find out later that he was afraid I would throw him out (I had always said zero tolerance on infidelity).

He went into work the next day & told OW I knew everything & it was over with her. They have had 2 conversations since then - he asked how she was doing, and she said very angry. 2nd convo - he was joking w/her about being angry at a box she was ripping up & she said he was Cruel (WTHE). So after confronting her he then left on a business trip, which he begged me to come on with him, so me & the baby went. Said he wanted to make things work with me, but wasn't sure if he could overcome the guilt he feels about what he did. I said not my problem. After being on this website I brought up some things that were not being fulfilled in our marriage which led to the affair. I feel like we've made alot of progress already in terms of being honest with what happened in the past. He went to IC last night for first time, we have MC tonight. Now to today -

WS was out of work for 8months last year (destroyed his esteem & self-worth), eventually ended up back at his former co. (where OW works). They are in the same small group together, so contact every day is pretty much standard. Is saying now he doesn't think he can mentally handle having to quit his job after going thru last yrs fiasco w/being unemployed. Has admitted that he misses OW & isn't ready to get over her (so typical addiction like I've read).

Here is what I need help with today, right now - he & OW (FOW I guess?) have a project they have to do Friday evening at work, and Saturday. Can't get out of it no if's and's or but's (unless he quit). Do I think anything physically is going to happen? I don't think so, but I am dang sure that the topic of what has happened is going to come up. What do I do with myself while he's at work with her???????

The past few days I have transitioned from hurt wounded animal, to I guess what Plan A is all about, meeting his needs but still staying true to myself. So do I go fwd w/Plan A since tech the A isnt over since they work together?

I can see now why the divorce rate is so high, it would be so much easier to walk away from all this, but I am committed to at least trying.

Thanks if you're still with me !

Forgot to add - WS said this morning that the efforts I am making are 'making a difference' to him. I had asked him last night if he thought things were changing for the better last night, that I was making an effort to meet his needs & acknowledged that he was doing a good job at meeting mine. So I am assuming what he said this morning was in reference to that.

Your marriage can't recover until there is no contact of any kind. If he still misses OW and still sees her every day, the affair stands a good chance of beginning again.

IMHO, it is too much to ask of you to have him continue to work with her everyday. He will ultimately have to chose between his job and his marriage.

WHo

Caseynotis,

Working with the OW never works out. My FWH insisted on staying and working with OW. In his mind, since the relationship was ended, he could work with her as nothing had happened. I kept pleading with him to do something, transfer, find another job, nothing, no deal, for months. His job was more important, the company needed him, didn't want to take a pay cut, loose his status, everything would be fine!

Well, "low and behold", the decision was made for him. The OW filed harrassment charges against him. Lied about everything. Some of the lies she said were incredible. Still, in his mind, nothing could happen to him. Well, "low and behold", the decision was made for him - the company(the one he was so dedicated to) asked him kindly to leave his position. HE WAS SHOCKED. HOW COULD EVERYONE DO THIS TO HIM?

Now, he realizes this was the best thing that could of happened, to him, and our marriage. He doesn't mind taking a pay cut. Hmmm, how his thoughts have changed. Also, that when the "chips are down", it is I, who supports him, stand by him, not the OW or his job!

The OW will always have the upper hand on your husband. She will run to him and cry the "blues" whenever something happens, how SHE understood him, how he betrayed her. In the meantime, you're at home with your mind running "overtime" thinking of what's going on at the workplace - hurting, upset! The constant reminder of the OW being there every day with, or even occasionally, will hamper his recovery and yours.

At this point, your husband thinks he is doing the right thing, but boy, is he wrong! Keep insisting that something be done, a transfer, a new job. Get him away from her! Never give up.

Casey,

Are you listening to the wisedom of those who have already been there? It really doesn't work out to have them continue to see each other every day.

Casey,

I think we're preaching to the choir here aren't we? You already know how bad it feels. The idea is to get FWH to understand. With all the progress the two of you have made, is it possible to have him come here and listen with a few veterans? Or even print out F&L's post?

S&C

Casey,

At this point, you will have to let your husband work on Friday and Saturday, while you sit at home on "pins and needles". What you have to do is tell your husband you will give him a reasonable amount of time to either have the other woman transfered, have your husband transfered or for him to find another job. Don't ask him to quit on the spot, we all need financial support for the family - this is not wise to ask.

I know your husband will resist, get angry and refuse, but don't give up - keep on stressing that you can't live with the fact that he is working with her. Your husband can not understand how you feel - they don't - because they would only understand they were in your place. It is not fair to you, an insult to you and your marriage.

No matter how many times he tells you that it's strictly businesss in the office - that's a lot of baloney! If he still misses her - how can it be strictly business? How can business be conducted when you still have feelings for someone and they are there tempting you? You know darn well other things will be discussed. THIS IS NOT FAIR TO YOU OR HIM. He will never get over her or what he did to you, with her there every day reminding him of it.

I sat by for months and listened to my husband, hurting, wondering, pleading, everything I could think of, to no avail. It was impossible to even say I would leave him if he didn't do what I asked. But, I kept pressuring him to do SOMETHING. All the WS's think they are different and can handle the situation - they are right - but they are all the same - none of them can handle it.

Be prepared for a struggle, it isn't easy. I went thru months of arguing, crying, hurting, being insecure, everything. At times I thought I was going to go "out of my mind". I had anxiety attacks, depression (had to take medication). My husband just couldn't understand how important it was for him to get away from the OW. I went from a "happy go lucky" person to a depressed, insecure, angry person. THAT IS JUST NOT ME!

My husband finally tried, after months of doing nothing, but by then it was already too late. The company made the decision for him. It was he they were dissapointed in, not her - she's going on her merry way - laughing behind our backs. For you see, she's done this already to another married man and his family in the company.

Just keep your chin up - it will get better - it does - believe it or not.

Casey,

I just want to ad one thing. My husband and I went to MC about a month after D-Day. This didn't work because the hurt was so fresh, I couldn't handle talking about it. So we didn't go back after the first session - it just got me too upset. We also felt the MC wasn't the right one - even though the MC was recommended to us.

We were still arguing a lot - my husband started blaming me for a lot of things - I still had the issue with him working with the OW - so, we decided to give it another try with a new MC. At first, my husband was against it - then he gave in and went. This worked much better. Because time had gone by - we were both able to talk much more without getting upset. My husband was more open to suggestions by the MC, then he would have in the beginning, I too, was more logical, less emotional, at this point.

But, in the long run, the counselling was very good for us. My husband had a lot of issues that he couldn't deal with. The MC made my husband see a lot of things and realize the things I felt, that he couldn't without the MC help.

Just a bit of advice to you. Your wounds are very recent, but they'll heal. It's going to be really tough though. It'll take time.

My best to you.

ForgiveandLove,
Thank you for your words of wisdom, you really have walked my shoes it seems. You are right about so many things. Did your H happen to struggle with his guilt?

WH & OW worked this past w/e together. I asked if any conversation was had re: the affair & he said yes. I said You probably don't want to share that with me, but if you could look at it from my shoes, that would help: My husband had a 2 yr affair with a woman he just spent 6 hrs working with, alone, so yes I want to know what was said. He said she told her H that she 'cheated', didn't say with who or how long (LAME), and her H wants to go to counseling to try& work it out. I asked if there was any one last kiss or hug or anything I should know about, and he said no, it's not like that. I said I was just taking the worst case scenario & hoping for the best.

I am dealing with him working with OW; my issue now is that it doesn't seem readily apparently that he wants to work on our marriage. He is going back & forth between moving out (self-admittedly to get away from our problem), and being here for what feels like obligation. I will continue to push for a job-change though, regardless.

I have counseling for myself this week, I need to work on my issues. I can't make WH work on his.

Thank you all so much again.

Casey,

Yes, my FWH felt very guilty, couldn't say he was sorry enough times. But still in the beginning, I just couldn't understand how he could have done this to me. I worked my fingers to the bone, but I never minded because I thought it was worth it. I always told him what a great husband he was, handsome, smart, the greatest. All I ever asked for was "your a wonderful wife, your a great mom, your attractive", any kind of praise. I never got it. Still, I didn't complain.

Yet, he cheated, not me. Now, when he reflects he realizes all I did for him. But before he never even thought about it, just took it for granted. This was something a wife is supposed to do. Now, he can't imagine how he cheated, especially who it was with. The OW was someone that he thought would listen to his baloney, when he was feeling sorry for himself, getting older, trying to prove his manhood. She was there, she was available. My husband always told me how he hated people that cheated on their spouses - famous last words!

My FWH had his affair because he was running away from his problems and thoughts in the marriage. He had a lot of screwed up ideas that he had built up over the years. Much of them were such lame excuses (the MC made him realize this) that now he also realizes how he could have taken them so seriously. He was thinking of having his affair as an exit from reality, no responsiblity. Many people think of leaving to get away from the problem. They don't realize this doesn't solve the problem - you have to deal with the problem - not run away.

I do know how you feel with your husband working with the OW. You don't know how I hated this, even though they were thru. Just the thought of them together after they were intimate made me sick. It took my FWH far too long to realize that everyone was right about him NOT WORKING WITH THE OW.

So like I said, don't give up and if you really want something. Be determined- do what's right for you. Some days you will feel like you can't go on, but you can, I did. You have to be strong.

That is something that is NOT happening here - I have not heard I Am Sorry since the first few days after him being found out. I said to him the other day - I need more empathy from you, I need to hear that you are sorry I have to deal with the fact that you work with her every day. His reply: why should I have to say that, when you know I feel that. I said You Do? I sure can't tell. I guess I thought he would be wallowing & pleading & apologizing profusely for what happened. He is NOT.

Unfortunately I am beginning to suspect he has not broken off personal contact with her. I checked his cell when he was in the shower this morning, and the inbox/outbox were cleared empty, as well as one of the four contact info #s for OW were gone (when I first checked there were 2 cell #s & 2 emails for her; one of the cells is now gone). Just doesn't sit right.

Happened to receive the cell bill today & realized I could see all the phone #s that are called from his cell (we're on a Family Plan)- glutton for punishment but I sat & looked thru the past 2 months at how many times he called her & when. Made me sick. There was a small message at the bottom that said - Last Text Message - 630pm 2/13 (last night). What makes me wonder is that he called me on his way home from work betw 6 & 6:15, got home soon after 630pm. So either he sent a text or he rec'd one, from someone, and deleted it.

Next cell bill doesn't come in until next week sometime, do I wait until I get it & see if they've spoken? Part of me wants to ask, but he might just deny it.

Here is sthing I am taking into consideration as far as exposing the A to OW's H. He is very tight w/the upper level mgtm at H's co. - what if he decides he wants H fired. H can't move out then cuz he won't have any money. yes it would force no contact at least at work, but financially it could be a disaster for me (and H). We're already deep in debt from him being out of work last year for 8m.

H is totally running away from his problems & with being honest with me, both before the A & still now. Admitted he wants to move out to get away from everything. Ugh, I can't make him deal with this, that's not my job, ya know.

Thank you for your encouragement when what is going on is directly in opposition to alot on this website. How can I do Plan A when I suspect he's still communicating with her? I can't demand he leave his job, financially neither one of us can afford that. I'm afraid if I ask him to move out, that will make things harder to work out betw us.

I'm thinking of going to my dr for some anti-depressants, I'm just afraid of becoming dep. on them. I just don't know if I can handle the up & down crashes emotionally that I go through every day.

Thank u again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Casey,

It does sound like your husband still is in contact with the OW. If he said he still misses her - then he still has feelings for her and working with her is not good! Just seeing her or her telling him she misses their relationship could either start it again or hamper your marriage recovery.

Even though my husband said he was sorry, I went thru he-- because he was so darn stubborn, didn't think it was wrong every time she went into his office with complaints of how he tossed her aside. Made him feel guilty, big time. But, in our situation, he didn't love her. He was just going thru some mid life crisis, stupid excuse to cheat. By the time he got involved with her, he didn't know how to break it up. For you see he thought she was this innocent woman. Boy, does he realize now how wrong he was. Little by little, he had to realize the hard way. Me telling him for months meant nothing to him.

I just couldn't get it thru his thick skull. Believe me it wasn't any kind of recovery for us for months. He was the one that stopped the recovery process because of how stubborn he was, refused to listen to anyone. Everyone on this site told me I should just be nice to him, stop the LB's. How could I stop from arguing with him and try and love him, when he didn't think enough of our marriage, his job was more important. Everything was his job. Everything was my fault, he was the man and could do what he wanted, I could never tell him what to do.

I also told him I couldn't handle all the arguing, fighting going on he should leave so he can get himself together. He said he wouldn't leave, it was his home. Told me it would be my fault if he left, I was breaking up the family. I just didn't know what to do. I finally gave him a time limit, as to when the woman had to be gone, one way or another, or he had to leave his job. He still said he wouldn't leave his job no matter what.

He finally agreed to go again to the MC. This time the MC made him see a lot of what he was doing wrong. We still had many fights. He finally, after many months, started changing, for the good.

So you see I went thru so much. I had so many ups and downs, at times I thought I was going mad. I never, ever was like this before. I never took any kind of medication before. I never understood why people had to be on anti-depression medication before. I was always happy, logical - now I was emotional, had panic attacks, out of control, angry, depressed for no reason. I finally had to go to the doctor and be put on medication.

I too was afraid of becoming dependent on them - that's why I was so hesitant. But, I had to do something - I couldn't go on like I was. You have to be on the medication for at least 1-2 weeks before you can see any difference. MANY MEDICATIONS ARE NOT HABIT FORMING. You can't go off of them even if you feel better. You should take them for about 6 months or so, to get better. I've forgotten to take them once or twice and I don't NEED them or go "bonkers" without them. The medication doesn't make you drowsy or anything - you just function normally.

Sometimes, you can't deal with the emotions, pain, being thrown at you all at once, without being on medication. Even your husband can't understand all the pain you are going thru - they can't. I know your pain and you have to get help. You'll be able to deal with things a lot better. You can think more clearly.

But please be determined, don't give up, get your husband away from the OW. Give him a reasonal amount of time though - but be persistent.

Now we are still dealing with him finding a new job, or maybe there might not be a new job. This is also causing a lot of new stress. But, we can deal with it a lot better than 6 months ago. My husband has turned over a new leaf. He is more thoughtful, more considerate of my feelings. We can now discuss, in detail, his past affair without blowing up. We are in this recover together, not I alone. This makes a big difference.

Just when you get over one hurdle along comes another one. Be prepared for many hurdles.

PS: I just want to add, there are some people on the Recovery site that also had the FWS work with the OP - they gave me some very good advice. They are ITHURTS, Godhelpme2 and Man in Motion. They'll give you a lot of support.

I really can't say thank you enough for sharing your story with me. But THANK YOU.

I went to the dr yday & am now on Lexapro 10mg. I took my first last night & felt a difference w/in a few hrs, and WH even asked if I had started the meds cuz he noticed a change as well. I can see why the dr said it may take 1-2 wks to build up in my system, I am starting to feel more edgy as I am due for my next dose in a couple hrs. I am very happy I made the choice to go on meds though. Thank you for your encouragement about that.

WH & I had a good talk last night, non-emotional, honest, and time-limited - 20 minutes, we set the clock & stopped when we had to. I told him I knew he was still talking to her & doing whatever, as I could tell from his behavior, that he had pulled away from me again. He didn't respond, which is an admittance on his part I'm sure.

I said I couldn't make him love me, I can't make him stop loving her, and I can't make him do anything he doesn't really want to. That I just honestly wanted him and myself to be happy in the end. I told him I was proud of myself for exercising, getting into IC, and getting on meds. I needed help & I got it. I told him it was his turn. He did ask me a bunch of ??s about the Lexapro, so maybe he will realize he is depressed as well.

He said that he is caught in the Now of the situation, and is trying to figure out where he wants to be in 10 yrs. And with who. He did say he didn't think he could see himself with OW in 5 yrs let alone 10. I said you can't get over someone that you see every day. You just can't. He said he knows, and that it sucked, but that he really loves his job & what he's doing. He has always struggled with finding jobs that fit well with him, so ironic that he finally is happy & now has to choose.

For now I am willing to continue working on me, and trying to pay down some of our debt, and I guess forge on with Plan A. It's just hard knowing he is trying to figure out - me or her. I'd like to stay in our house if things don't work out, but have to get the debt under control first, him being out of work really messed that up.

I am hoping that seeing me get help, meds & IC, as my mood & everything improves & becomes more manageable, he will be inspired to do the same.

I'm really happy that your recovery is a joint effort. It sounds like things have really changed for you, and that you're standing together as life throws whatever it does at your feet. Congratulations, and thank you so much again for all your advice. I'm probably going to move over to the Recovery board like you said, and will post soon there.

Hi Casey,

I haven't been on this site in a couple of days. I'm glad I could help.

You are right - you can't make someone love you. But, I think your husband isn't thinking clearly right now. Give him some time. The WS's always think they know what they are doing and that they are right. If he is telling you that he doesn't see himself with the OW in the future is a good sign.

I know he likes his job and he thinks he can handle the situation - but, like I said before it doesn't work out. If things are truly over, maybe the OW can transfer to another dept. or building? Can your husband transfer? At least if he did this he can stay with the company, but be away from the OW.

The other thing I want to mention is that not many companies like co-workers involved with each other. It doesn't look good for the company image. If your husband and the OW work in a small department, everyone probably knows about them - even though he thinks not. They may even let him go or the OW, to avoid a scandle. Charges may be pressed against your husband if things don't go the way the OW wants them to. Advise your husband about this. If he thinks he was depressed and had low self esteem, what would happen if they let him go because of a scandal? He has to think of the future and your family.

Keep asking him to go to a MC. When I first suggested this to my FWH, he said he didn't know why he had to go - he was fine - there was nothing wrong with him. Time went by and all we were doing is fighting, arguing, so he finally decided to go. It was for the best. Sometimes, you have to change MC's - some don't give any results.

I'll look for you and keep in touch.