Where to begin... sigh.. I hurt.... I don't even know if this is the right forum....seems to fit the best....

My W and I got married young... 19 and 21.... now I am 37. We have 4 boys together, all ours.

I was an IDIOT in the early years of our life together, taking everything for granted and even was unfaithful to her. The guilt I felt led me to tell her and she sought vengance with a friend. We had grown stronger thru this, but yet I completely ruined her vision of what marriage was to her.

We recovered from this and became very happy. I learned of the importance of appreciating her after yet another bump in our life when she had an affair 'just to wake me up'. I almost put me in the mental ward, but with God's help... we prevailed.

She is not happy in our life together.... she tells me there is noone else, but I find it hard to swallow and think she is lying and give her every opportunity to come clean. Her actions are showing signs of OM

Both our parents have been Divorced and remarried several times and I NEVER wanted this to be a way out... so I guess to protect my family from this, I became controlling. I want to fix this, but I feel it may be too late.... she says she loves me and 'always will'.

She says I say alot of negative things to her to keep here in the relationship... guilty but not purposely

She says she still has issues from the past and cannot let them go....

I am standing at the closed door of her heart, knocking..... she is not answering..... I wait, but its draining me by the second.

I will go to the ends of the earth to change for the better of our family... but she needs to accept me back in her heart....

Everything around me is a blurr in life right now except her.

She is weighing out her decision to leave me, but has said she is scared to make the wrong decision....

Im scared.... I want help....I cry when Im alone it hurts so bad, cuz she cant deal with seeing me cry.... she is cold right now....

I feel like a total failure and that she deserves much better than I can give, but I know thats not true.

I just need help... pray for me... pray for us.....

wake me up from this bad dream.....:'(

Dear lostonceagin,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders and a chance for a great relationship. You aren't alone. My H and I went through a very similar dance for years and are now in great recovery.

When you said you were happy again, how did you guys process your reactions to hurt back when hurt? What did you discover about yourself and why you chose to have an affair? Why did she? Did you find a great MC? Since the initial recovery, did you both slide back into unhealthy patterns?

Did you both make boundaries for yourselves?

A lot of what you're going through looks to me like having to learn the same lesson again because you both didn't change your basic beliefs about love and relationships.

Have you read the material on this website about Lovebank, Lovebusters, Emotional Needs?

"I want to fix this, but I feel it may be too late.... she says she loves me and 'always will'."

Are you up for fixing you first?

We're here for you...if you want to post in Infidelity - General Questions II, you will get more responses. Since infidelity has been an issue in your life, and you currently suspect its influence, it would be appropriate.

LA

LA,

Thank you for your repsonse... Very needed to hear.

I found this site years ago when troubled times threatened our marriage... as now.

I have read and read ( and keep reading) this site to gain as much support and knowledge that I can to help save my marriage.

I never had an 'affair'... It was only physical and alcohol was a key factor in my poor judgement to do such a thing.

When we were 'happy', things improved and I put forth a great effort to 'change' but never got professional help from a counsellor.. I know now that I need to. I have issues I need to resolve within myself to fix my marriage.

I realized that my infidelity has caused great insecurities in my life and the way I view things in our marriage. This is where my over-protection turned to control, I believe.

After each low-point in our life together, things did improve, but we really never resolved the issues that caused them, which is why I believe the issues resurface again and again.

No boundaries we ever set that I can recall.... big mistake. Tell-tale signs would have been evident in this case, instead of blowing up in my face on the drop of a dime.

I have read the love busters, love bank, negotiation, conflict and much more to understand and approach this in the appropriate manner.

Last night she came home from a relatives house not far from home where she had been since Thursday. I met them there on Friday and left Sunday, but we didnt get anything accomplished until last night.

She was in emotional withdrawl and didn't want to come home, but knew she had to. I was very delicate on approaching our conversation. I let her talk and try to express herself, which lowered the barracades and allowed her return into the conflict stage. I was very pleased to be having such a calm and deep conversation over such an important, yet hurtful and painful topic... we even laughed a few times.

I told her that I cannot force her to stay, she has to stay for her, not for me.. not for the kids. If she believes that I cannot make her happy, she needs to walk because I cannot change her beliefs. She deserves to be happy. I hope its not too late.

As the conversation came to an end I thought alot of progress have been made in where I stood and I knew then that there might be a chance. As we were gettting ready for bed, she called me and I went to her. She didn't say it directly, but she agreed that she wants out. I was leveled and stood silent. A few minutes later she asks me, more or less, if her decision was the wrong one, would I take her back( this is where I feel she has OM). I feel like she is asking for a 6 month leave of absence from our marriage to 'test the waters'.Reality didnt kick in until 3:30 this morning when I was uncontrollably crying in the shower ( trying not to wake her). The conversation was again started, but on a different note. With reality of what devistation this would take on life as we know it, I was thinking of all things pertaining to a D as not to keep myself in denial and wait until the last possible moment to figure stuff out. she said she was overwelmed and felt pressure and back into a corner.... I dont see how.... I never demanded a decision or even asked her to make one.

I don't know if she will contact me today or not.... I pray she does....

I am seeking help this morning and hopefully will get started today with FIXING ME FIRST.

Have I left any important processes out? Have I gone about something the wrong way in trying to work thru this?

I will post this in the other forum as well for more feedback.

I am going to reply to you on your new thread, 'k?

LA