My husband is addicted to marjuana, 15+ year use, gambling and pornography has been a problem as well. When he has tried to stop using, he experiences bad dreams and withdrawal systoms and I think it scares him so he just goes back to using. We have been together for 12 years and married for 5 1/2. I don't think I can deal with it anymore. I think I am experiencing anxiety and depression. We have 3 children, 2 of which are under age 4. One of them has a disablity. I am a stay at home mom. I am very angry with my husband and just can't deal with lies and secrets anymore, but I stay with him because I don't want to divorce. We have created a home and family and have responsiblites. Through this whole thing we are now experiencing financial difficulties. I believe he is trying to deal w/the financial problems and marital problems but not dealing with the addiction. I told him he needs to deal with the addiction and then we can deal w/the marital stuff. Am I wrong? I feel like I am changing for the worse because of my anger towards him and just not sure if I can stay married to him. I feel lost and need some encouragement and direction. Is there a way to get through to him without leaving him? Can a person be happy in a marriage with an addict?

What you describe is very typical of living with an addict. Nar-Anon is a program that can help you get your life manageable again, and to give you coping skills to help you find happiness in your life even married to an addict.

tneub,

Ears knows. Many of us have H's with addictions. Al-Anon also helps in the same way.

You feel anger towards your H. He is the problem. His addiction is the problem. If it is his problem, why do you feel anger? What boundary does he cross that is yours?

Expectations cause anger, too. These 12-step programs really get to the heart of expectations, which are solely in your own domain. You're not alone or crazy.

LA

ears_open,
Thanks for your response.
How do I find a Nar-anon group?

LA
I feel angry because he lies to me and keeps secrets, I guess I do have the expectation that we would keep no secrets from eachother.

He works a side job (as well as his regular job), and when he does this he hands in 2 seperate bills, one that we both know about and 1 he keeps for himself and never tells me about, in fact he lies about it. Secrets...I feel so angry that he keeps secrets.

Would that be crossing a boundary? (hiding money, lying etc)? I am not at all good with setting boundaries and don't know what boundaries to set.

He will come home from work and sleep on the couch and then get up, eat something, and leave to go back to work so that he can leave the house to use. He does not always do this but it is something that happens weekly. I think that I am so angry that just seeing him sleeping on the couch drives me crazy!! When we married, he was not using. I thought he hit his rock bottom, and things would be different. Ever since we got married all I have seen is him going backwards. I know I am so focused on him and I don't want to be but I don't know how to get my focus off him and on myself. We have awful sex...quick and no love in it. But I don't know how to love him when I know he is lying to me! I will definately try nar-anon or al-anon.

http://www.naranon.com/

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I know things seem insane right now, but really you will feel a sense of peace at the first meeting. Boundaries are all about protecting yourself. It sounds like Honesty and OPenness is one of your top ENs and it must be frustrating that he doesn't seem able today to meet that. There is hope for you!

Thanks ears open, that is encouraging...he is home right now sleeping and I feel anxiety setting in.

Part of me wants out so bad and the other part wants to be happy...with him. He can be a really great guy, I know it! I just don't see that great guy right now.

Thanks for the links, I will check them out.

Tneub, it won't necessarily be the marriage you hoped for, and he may or may not ever be able to be the great guy you fell in love with again, but you will meet many people at these meetings who have happiness and joy in their lives even married to an active addict. You will learn how to use boundaries to help you achieve that, by removing the consequences to you for his behaviors.

You have lots of choices. They recommend not making any "stay or go" decisions the first 6 months unless violence is involved because it takes some time to figure out what you need for happiness in your life. You may need honesty and openness or you may find you can be happy even when he is unable to provide it. Both choices are valid.

ok heres the latest, I need to know what it is that I am not getting. My H and I have been fighting the last couple days. He says that I control him, which I believe I do. When I married him he was a christian, listened to christian music, did not use (as far as I know)...Now he says he may use till he dies, listens to metallica and other music that he used to listen to etc...So I told him he can choose to do whatever he wants to do...music, drugs, swearing up a storm, whatever, but what choice do I have? I know that it is his choices, but what if I can't live with those choices and decide that I want the divorce? Then what...he gets mad, very mad!! He is screaming at me at 5 am, he gets so angry he will say things like "you take my kids and I will break your legs" or he may threaten to kill me...I tell him that is abusive and he says that I am also abusive to him with the way to talk to him...like he was listening to Metallica and I know I made him feel like he was junk...garbage...trash...and I hardly have to say anything, I don't swear or call names but I know that I manipulate it so that he does feel like crap! So I guess that is abuse...

Help me to see what he is saying...He says that I don't get it...that I need to let him make his own choices...what I see is he can make his own choices but I don't want to be with an addict, liar, someone who may look at porn, someone who swears (all the time)etc...and I should beable to choose if I want to live with that type of person or divorce, and this is when he gets mad and says I will never get it...WHAT AM I NOT GETTING, I REALLY DO NOT GET WHAT HE IS SAYING. I want to get it, I want to understand what he is saying...the way I see it is he can live however he wants, but if I don't want to live the same way and his behavior is effecting me then why should I have to stay married to him. what I mean by his behavior effecting me is that he swears alot...he works in the construction type atmosphere so I ask him to stop swearing around me because I notice myself start swearing more and that is not me, but when every sentence he says has a swear word, it wears on me, this is effecting me..am I wrong?

I really want to get this and you don't know how much I appreciate the outside advice! I really need this and appreciate someone taking the time to care enough about me to respond to this! So I want to say thank you. I tried getting hold of someone from the alano club in my city yesterday, but we played phone tag...so I am anxious to start that, but I still REALLY APPRECIATE you talking to me right now. I also have an appointment to see a doctor about the anxiety and depression issues on Friday...I figure if I have any inbalance going on in my brain that maybe medicine can balance me out so that I can see what is going on more clearly.

I know that I screw things up...I have issues from my past that cause me to control my H. I want change in my life so I don't feel so down on myself and have such low self esteem and feel like I need to control everthing around me.

You already understand that you are the only one who can know what you are willing to live with. The fact that he disagrees doesn't change that truth for you.

This is very serious. How lucky you are that you are given a verbal warning. So many women only have more subtle cues to go by, cues that are very easy to ignore by someone in denial. I'd recommend calling a women's shelter, if only to get more information about domestic violence and support figuring out what your options are.

He is correct that your behavior, trying to punish him for his choices, is verbally abusive, but you are seeking help for this and will learn ways to ensure him safety from verbal abuse from you. In MB terms this is called Disrespectful Judgments and it causes your spouse to lose love for you. It is simply a faulty coping skill that is common for someone in this situation, and also many people who don't have addiction issues. You are very capable of learning healthier strategies as so many others have done. There is help right on this website for it, go to the Q&A Columns above->How To Overcome Love Busters and you will find many articles of relevance.

What he is saying is that he is in denial that you do have the choice to leave, because that thought is too painful to him. How fortunate that you are not in denial about this. How could you be wrong that you have a choice to leave? People do every day. Here at MB there are techniques to help spouses who choose to fall in love together again by fulfulling each other's needs, but you will not likely be able to reach him to meet any of his needs until he is in recovery for using because the substance of choice is more powerful to an addict than a spouse's love. And he will not try to meet your needs because the addiction is controlling him right now. You can learn to live with a spouse you cannot be a husband to you, but it is not his decision whether this is the choice you will come to.

Whether you decide to stay or go I urge you to get the support and help that can help you break this cycle and give you the best chance at helping your children try to prevent falling into this pattern, too. The 3 C's of Alanon are that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I can only imagine how angry you must feel with your H right now. He didn't choose to have this disease. Many many people think they can try substances for fun and won't become addicted. If only there was a test available so people could know ahead of time if they can try substances without trashing their life and the lives of their loved ones with it, but sadly there isn't. And who knows if that would have been able to change their choice, anyway. My prayers are with you and your family today.

ears open,
This has really helped me, reassured me in some of the feelings I was having and directed me to some great information, Q&A section.

My husband called my pastor...he wants to sit down and talk (or maybe stand and yell) with someone present. This is a first, usually it is me that is begging to get someone else involved. My pastor is out of town until tommorrow, but I did talk w/him on his cell and he said that he talked w/my H and is planning on getting together on Saturday. I pray this happens!!

I told my husband that I really want to understand where he is coming from and that I have my doctors appt tommorrow and that maybe if I can get on some anti-depressant that I can think more clearly...of course my H criticized this and said if I would just listen to someone who cares about me (meaning him).

Anyways, thanks for talking w/me. I don't feel quite so crazy and this helps to speak what is going on and read it back to myself, makes things a little clearer.

I am going through the exact same thing but he is also addicted to alcohol and had an affair on me in Dec. I used plan A here and then Plan B and we have reconciled and I am trying to deal with the addictions. I go to daily meetings of both AA and Alanon they are very helpful and supportive. You are temporarily a bit insane right now from living with his addictions for so many years. It will get better though. Trust me you will finally start to get sane once you start going to meetings and studying the literature. Unfortunately it is hard to let go and stop trying to control him. You need to go daily and your mind is so messed up, just like mine that it will take a few months for everything to sink in.

I called the radio show here and told the Dr. about my husbands addictions and he said to use Plan A and Plan B with the alcohol/pot too. I'm not doing so well with Plan A as it is so hard for me to be doing all this all the time. I feel a lot of resentment build up and I have to get rid of it and give it over to my higher power but it is easier said then done. Especially because my man tried to use anger and anxiety the tools of the addict to control me and the kids. I know exactly what you are going through. I am looking for the good Plan B NC letter right now as he is resisting AA/resisting any meaningful conversations about any relationship/addcition issues. It is awful but I can only change myself and that it that. Three C's you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Get help for yourself. Stabilize then go NC on him and set the boundaries of exactly what he has to do to get back with you. That is my plan. Dr. approved! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy

Thebraveheart,
Thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to find Plan A and B, where are these on the web site? Also what does NC mean? I am new here and haven't had the time to explore the whole site yet.

I want to cry today, I am so frustrated w/my H. I have a doctor appt today to discuss anxiety and depression. I have never been one to want medication, but if it will help me to think and deal w/out going solely off my feelings than I am all for it. I am going to start alanon, I know there is a meeting on Monday at an alano club right by me. thanks again for responding.

I went completely hysterical this week because I found out that the affair was still going on even though he said it had ended. He had just completely lied to me to placate me. I caught him on the phone with her and he admitted to having sex with her before we left town. I was devastated all over again but have bounced back thanks to the tools I have learned in AA/Alanon.

I can't control him, I am powerless against his addictions. All I can do is be a good role model for my kids. I am now just with the kids and he is living at his moms and working everyday trying to save money for a car and his own place. Not sure if this is the begining of the end or what. He said he would go to AA but he just talks the talk and doesn't walk the walk.

NC means no contact with me but really I have isolated myself away from my support network so I don't want to isolate myself from him and his family. I think as long as I can remain cheerful and happy even in the face of his alcohol/pot/woman addiction it will benifit me not to be carting around that bitterness/anxiety/depression and resentments. I'll be healthier and get more sleep if I can truly just let it go. She is far, far away and I am here and he is here and the love for the kids is strong. We pray every night for God to remove his addictions.

The devil has his soul. I looked into his eyes and saw the ****** he has created for himself. All I can do is provide the key and if he steps out we can start again and if he doesn't well I will still be working on everything and miracles do happen everyday. I'm not to judge how long it will take him or even if he wants to give them up. The kids and I just will always pray for him. Prayer really does work. When I lash out at him with hysteria etc. all I do is hurt myself. Great Alanon quote "I cannot hurt others without hurting myself."
Good luck with your recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy

Have a look at this page:

http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/

MA has online meetings if you aren't near any.

Thanks I did go look at it and then I sent him the link to his email. I should not have done that of course because he is just saying he doesn't have a problem and it was controling of me. He says he is not going to give up drinking etc. He is unwilling right now to try but I have hope because I have to work on this stuff anyway and he will see the changes and happiness in me and hopefully want back into the family and be at least willing to try. It is hard to get through the fog of his addictions though. I ask him important soul searching questions and I can see him looking within himself and finding absolutely nothing but his addictions going God I wish I could have a drink, God I wish I were anywhere but here talking to this self-righteous person. So it is frustrating but if I can learn to let go and let God then things will turn out like they should. Letting go of that control is so hard because as I get more and more excited about the information I am learning my teacher self comes up and wants to share and teach others. Of course he claims I am lecturing him so how in the world do you be honest and share without sounding like a lecture? I try so hard to pick my words carefully but his addictions just make him so hard to reach. Love stays though so as long as I have the patience and the willingness I will keep trying and trying. I am one stubborn teacher! lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> amy