OK, so I'm trying my damnedest to stay dark, right? And in return, I want to know NOTHING about my WH and what he's up to. If the kids are talking to him on the phone, they are to talk in another room where I can't hear; and I ask them NO questions about him.

Anyway, yesterday I'm talking to D18 about this job I applied for, and told her that she is not to tell her father about me doing this. Indeed, I reiterated that she is not to tell him ANYTHING about what I'm up to. And she said, "What... nothing at all?" Whereupon she revealed that WH does ask about what I'm doing, and the kids do tell.

So what do I do? Naturally, I can tell D18 and S16 not to blab, but I can't tell S10. Already WH manipulated him in the most horrible way with keeping his knowledge of the OW secret, and I will NOT make him keep secrets again.

Thoughts?

JMO, but if it were me I would tell the 18yo very frankly that I would prefer that instead of passing on info, that she just tell her father that she doesn't want to be caught in the middle, but that she is an adult & whatever she chooses, that is most comfortable for her in this, you will support.

I would tell the 10yo and 16yo nothing. Don't tell either not to tell, but keep them out of the loop as much as possible, too. They certainly could keep secrets, but you are right that they should not. All you can do is attempt to control how much they know.

And if your 18yo's decision is to keep talking about you, then keep her uninformed as much as possible, too.

It is good that he is asking about you.

In my situation, I have a WH who has brainwashed the kids into feeling guilty about telling me what they ate for dinner when they are with him. WH wants me to know nothing at all about his life so the kids always feel unsure when I asked how their weekend was. Even if I am not asking for details, they fight if one kid mentions a lamp or what flavor yogurt they ate.

My kids are 6 and 8. I don't care what they tell their dad about my life. I don't have anything to hide. If I were you, I would explain the situation to your 18 and 16 year old, and ask them to limit info unless it it very important. As far as the 10yo, I wouldn't worry about what he may be saying.

Honestly, your WH wants to know if you are crying every night, or if you are dating or where you are emotionally. Stuff the 10yo wouldn't know anyway.

Don't encourage the kids to keep secrets, IMO. Just tell the oldest to respect your privacy a tad and don't worry about the little guy talking.

You could have the children ask their father why he wants to know. Then have them say if you want to know you'll have to call her. That is what I told my children to do. I told then what goes on in this house stays in this house. If you have a problem with anyone then you need to tell ,me. But for now your father is not a member of this household.

This is great advice, thank you all so much.

It occurred to me that I might have to keep the 10- and 16-y.o. out of the loop somewhat, but I was feeling a bit iffy about it. I'm glad you brought it up, Neak. Confirmation, dontcha know!

D18 and I had a bit of a talk about this. She asked me why she wasn't to discuss me and what I'm up to with her dad, and I said, "There's no need for him to know anything about me. It's none of his business. If he doesn't want me in his life, this is the way it's going to be, and he can start getting used to it."

Tam,

I have the same problem as you. My DD (19) tells her father everything that I say or do. I have asked her not to but yet she does.

He always asks her what I am doing or where I go. I don't discuss her dad with her anymore. I can't stop her from saying anything to him. So what if he knows I went out at least it makes him see I am not sitting here crying over him and just waiting.

Now as to why they ask what we do or say who knows. Mine has filed divorce papers and acts like this is what he wants but yet he wants to know my every move. I have given up trying to figure it out, it just drives me crazy.

So the best you can do is just ask your DD not to tell him things but if she does ignor it. Live your life and do things be happy for you. Just be sure not to tell her things you definatley don't want him to know because believe me he will find out. As far as the other children just keep them out of the loop, my DS(15) does not talk to his dad much seeing how WH pretty much blows him off but he dosn't tell his dad anything. And if WH does ask him he just says he does not know because he dosn't.

I know being dark is hard with kids but I also look at it this way , so what if he knows your living life and not mopeing over him. In MVHO it shows them life goes on with or without them.....


Take Care,

Hurting