Hi BigK,

Yes may be able to use a yahoo account if you like - though I rarely check it.

Let me knos if you want to do this.

DRD

Update 23/2/06 - possible start of recovery?

My WW admitted to contacting OM today (has not been contacting him recently but had apparently arranged last week to have lunch with him tomorrow. She texted him to say she would not come, and after receiving a reply from him sent the following email:


OM sent WW the following (rather cryptic) reply:


Apparently she then sent him another email, saying not to contact her again (and not by email) as she did not want to hurt me by me seeing them, then permanently deleted them (but I managed to recover the above from the ISP).

She told me yesterday that she knew one possible key to recovery was spending time with me and today said that she wants to try to work on the relationship with me and is willing to go on holiday with me, something she had decided not to do last week.

She also said that OM had asked her to go to a concert he is playing in on Saturday eve but that she wanted to do something with me instead - we are going to go to the Theatre together.

Given the above email, this seems reasonably plausible, and I am tentatively hoping this will be the beginning of recovery (though of course her email is not very strong in terms of NO CONTACT, EVER AGAIN which is what I would ideally want). She's not yet in a place to write a "proper" no contact letter.

Anyway, it seems hopeful to me. I'm under no illusion though that my positivity will come and go, and she may fail in her resolve (as she has before).

Thanks again to all,
DRD

DRD,

I was in Jamaica with my family and missed all this. I hope things are still going well and you check in soon with an update.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks MrW,

It's still going well thanks.

The affair phone has not been used for 10 days and has now been moved from her bag to a drawer - though it has still not gone. She has spoken to the vicar and told him that she isn't contacting OM again, though she apparently then texted OM to tell him this!

We went to the Theatre on Saturday night, and out for a meal and a walk Sunday lunchtime with another family. She's arranged a surprise outing for me on Friday night, so is trying hard to do things with me.

We had a joint counselling session yesterday and there were a number of possible issues raised:
[*] She was very needy and insecure when we got married and I was a good, secure, stable person. I met her needs for love, reassurance, security, etc.
[*] There is a question in her mind as to whether we ever had the "spark" of "true love".
[*] Of the options available - leaving/separating, staying in a loveless marriage, or working on things to try to change the loveless marriage, she marginally thinks the last is the right option, but doesn't have much enthusiasm.

Anyway, I hope that, as time moves on and I try to meet her needs (avoiding LB's, etc) that she will come round. But it's hard being told that she finds my attraction for her "upsetting" and that she only thinks of me as a friend now.

Cheers,
DRD

Well, things have gotten worse again. The rollercoaster goes up and down - who knows where it will end!

I've been feeling really depressed this past week or so - too depressed to post anything.

OM apparently lost his church job last week (3/3/06). My WW had arranged a surprise night out (a great one, as it turns out, Dinner at the Savoy Grill followed by Theatre "The Producers".) However, this was ruined by OM ringing her and telling her about losing the job, and of course she was back to blaming me for him losing his job and being very upset. While we did go out, the evening became a thing of strain rather than of fun and joy.

Then, over weekend WW arranged things so we did not see each other (almost at all) and was contacting OM. Affair phone went back in her handbag.

Monday night (6/3) she tells me again she wants full separation, etc. I said this was the contact with OM speaking, and that I did not believe this was her. I suggested the [Ark?] plan of a fixed period (say 6 months) of NO CONTACT and WORKING on our relationship. If she still wanted to leave me after that I would give her a divorce.

She complained that that length of time was intolerable and impossible. I said that at least it would give her "light at the end of a tunnel" to look to. She did not agree, saying again that the timescale was impossible (she thinks that staying a week with me is too long).

I went to our MC appointment by myself on Tues, but she then came to me for coffee in afternoon apologising and saying she does not know what she wants.

On Thursday she was stressed because she had a choir committee meeting to decide whether to sack OM (not for his affair with my W, but because many choir members do not like him or his style). The committee was split. They decided they could not sack him, but would warn him. My WW thinks he will resign - I can hope that he does!

Because she was stressed, she was spiteful to me and told me I was ignorant about something in a very nasty way. I have since become very depressed and felt almost like there is little point trying to save our marriage.

She went away for the weekend to her mum's with my DD (8) and I had a really good weekend with my DS (6).

Today (13/3) she went to a job interview for a job nearer OM's area. I have since discovered that she went to see OM today (either before or after the interview) and again this makes me want to give up hope.

Anyway, I feel extremely bleak and unhappy at present. I feel like I want to give her the divorce she seeks now, as it is too painful to stay with her.

I hope I can get over this, as my Plan A has been almost non-existant the past few days (I have been feeling depressed, have not been talking to her, and have certainly not been pleasant to be around).

Anyway, any advice gratefully received as always.

DRD

DRD,

Time for plan B. You have done A, you exposed, you have planted the seeds and now it is time to back out to protect what love you have for her. The A is clearly on again.

I would seek legal counseling about the children to make sure that she leaves and the children remain. That may not bother her at first but it will in time.

Must go, but hang in there and go to plan B. It may be what she wants, she may just leave, but there is little you can do but wait this out, and if you do and have no love left for her when the A is over...there will be no recovery.

God Bless,

JL

DRD,

You must:-

1. Complete your incomplete exposure.
2. Confront OM and tell him you will personally make it your mission in life to make sure he never works in a church environment again anywhere in the UK if he ever contacts your wife again. That isn't an empty threat - you've already cost him 1 job.

You MUST make the affair too much trouble for him to pursue and you MUST be certain you have properly exposed.

Oh darn - there I go sounding like a broken record again!