FH,

I was hoping you might have a word of encouragement and/or edification for me. Crystal and I are doing *okay*. After our most recent discussion with Jennifer, she's started to try to meet some of my ENs, and, to be honest, seeing the effort in the way she's relating and in the specific things she's trying to do is more encouraging to me than the things she's doing.

She still won't say, "I love you." I guess I shouldn't expect her to. When I tell her, "I love you," she says, "I know." I guess that's an honest answer but it still kind of stings because it says so clearly to me that she's specifically NOT going to say she loves me.

But I'm trying to remind myself that throughout this time God's using it to work on her and on me. Perhaps that's why I'm writing this post. I'm feeiling fairly low today, and I think I've figured out what it is. It's not my relationship with Crystal and the lack of SF. I have a number of fairly huge stresses coming up in the very near future. In two weeks I'll be in Texas taking the Bar exam. I'm starting to feel almost panicked about my (lack of) preparedness. I still don't have a job in the law, despite the fact I'm graduating 4th in my class. I still don't know whether we'll be moving to TX or not. So I don't know if I should continue to search for employment there, or for a law job around here. However, if I'm looking for work around here, then I've got an additional problem in that, even if I do pass the bar in TX, I won't be able to be an attorney HERE.

And, of course, Crystal LOVES her new job. She's excited about her days every day. Lest anyone think that I'm complaining about that, I'm not. My fear is that she'll feel very attached to the job and decide it's more important than me. Of course, she's found that she really has a knack for talking with candidates (she's a recruiter) for the high-end positions, and she is able to reach a comfort-zone with them very quickly. I've got to confess, hearing how she enjoys the banter and chit-chat with the candidates causes me to feel twinges of jealousy, but I want her to feel safe in opening up and sharing everything, because I know that improper relationships really only grow if they are planted in a field of non-disclosure.

So... Enough of the complaining to set the stage. Inside, I'm feeling very alone. Crystal isn't willing or able to lend me the emotional support I am beginning to feel desperate for. I know I need to turn to God for help, and not be anxious about anything, but I'm having a hard time staying focused on Him. How can I re-focus and allow the Lord to fill me up - so that I don't come across as emotionally needy to Crystal and/or possibly slip into LB-ing her, and so that I'm not distracted from doing what needs to be done to face the things that are ahead of me.

Thanks. Of course, anyone else who reads this and feels you have a nugget that may help is more than welcome to toss me whatever you have. I'm open to doing and being better each day than I was the day before.

TD, I will address some specifics of your post in a minute, but I first wanted to give you a little encouragment about the future and the issues you are facing.

Jesus speaks about "worry" in Matthew 7:25-34. He concludes in verse 34 with this counsel and reassurance to those who are His; [color:"red"]Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. [/color] (emphasis added)

Read the entire passage and listen to what Jesus is telling you. Worry comes from lack of faith, the things that Satan uses to assail us and to get us thinking that "God didn't really mean what He said." Jesus spoke TRUTH, not false hope or outright lie.



This is very good and very encouraging. We ALL begin by crawling long before we learn to walk, let alone learn to run.



Of course it stings. It hurts the same way that Jesus feels when those HE loves can't, or won't, say that they love Him.

If it helps, there was a time when I was tired of my wife saying "I love you," while her actions (contacts with the OM) scream (non-verbally) to me "liar!!!" I told her to NOT say she loved me UNTIL she meant it. She now says it and I believe her. But it does hurt while going through it and waiting on the Lord in perseverence.



You are putting the "cart before the horse." You need to pass the exam first, or WHERE you practice law will be irrelevant. It is TIME for you leave your wife's progress in recovery in God's quite capable hands and take the TIME you NEED to study and pass the exam. Or do you want to let Satan use your "worry" to ensure you failure and raise up yet another obstacle to both your faith and your recovery?



As a former recruiter let me tell you that if your wife is good at what she is doing and enjoys it, it CAN be a very lucrative life. HOWEVER, it is the RARE recruiting job that is tied to a geographic location. MOST recruiting is done over the phone, fax, internet....but not in person. The recruiter represents the EMPLOYER, not the potential employee. In fact, in most cases, they go looking to rip a "good candidate" out of a perfectly good job to get them to take the job offered by the company that retained the recruiter. SOMETIMES, but it is much rarer, an employee is dissatisfied with their present job and initiates a search, but usually the recruiter is working to fulfill a "job order" from an Employer Client.

THAT sort of recruiting can be done from anywhere. And guess what, there are LOTS of Texans who are also looking for work and companies that are looking for good candidates to fill job openings at ALL levels from Executive to Worker.



In my humble opinion, you do it by making Philippians 4:13 not just a verse in the Bible, but YOUR "life verse" for allowing God's power to flow through your life and enable you to DO all things, even those things that might be "impossible" in your own finite strength. "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you." God is NOT a liar. TRUST him.

God bless!

ForeverHers -

I guess you're probably the best person to talk to at this point. I posted a question about how avoiding being preachy.

I don't know if you've read anything I've posted recently, but basically, Crystal declared my progress to be too slow, that waiting on me to improve was just not worth it, and she moved out.

She also declared that she was open to dating again, because she was ready to move on with her life without me. Last night she went on her first date... It was a fellow that had asked her out while she was still living with me but who had been apologetic when she told him she was married. However, he thinks it's a-okay to date a woman who's been separated from her husband for less than a week! I digress.

I'm at the point you discussed before about being primarily concerned about your spouse's relationship with God and only secondarily with whether or not the marriage survives.

I feel like she's running as fast and hard away from God as she can. She told me that she thinks God doesn't want us to be married because she's been praying for 6 years for Him to do something, and He didn't... She still listens almost exclusively to the Christian music radio station, and to CDs of praise music. I know she WANTS to be restored to God, but she doesn't have the faith to believe He will fix our marriage if she comes back. When she left, she was adamant that she didn't even want Him to fix us. Now, she seems tentative. Honestly, I see that move as a substantial shift. Still, though, she holds to the mantra that millions of Christians get divorced, so it's not really that bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How do I, the man she knows to be all-too-fallen, explain why I won't give in and give her a quick divorce without being preachy, when my entire reason is my faith?

How do I justify to her that she should slow down and consider trusting God to honor the difficult decision to come home without preaching at her?

On the one hand, I know that I've probably been very preachy to her. However, she's been more relaxed around me and the kids than she has in weeks or months lately. And like I said, I do see her opening up some.

My pastor mentioned a couple that had gone through something very similar - the wife left, and apparantly she was engaged in one or more improper relationships, and God healed them. I am wondering if it might help to have our pastor arrange a meeting between us and them so that she can talk to a woman who knows the depths of her dispair and who can attest to God's faithfulness.

I could sure use your advice. Thanks.

TD - The "best way" that I know is to speak from your heart. She is one-half of your "one flesh" marriage, and regardless of what any judge or court may say, she will always be the woman that you love. You committed to "until death do you part," and if there is going to be a divorce, SHE will have to be the one to file because you will go to your grave loving her.



No, I have not read anything you've posted recently. So I may not understand what you mean or what you are referring to. But "not progressing fast enough" is a VERY common feeling from BOTH Wayward and Faithful Spouses. Perhaps you could be a bit more specific about what "progress" you are referring to as "too slow."



Uh huh. Spoken by a lot of Wayward Spouses who are justfying the choice to sin in direct violation of God's prohibition in the Seventh Commandment (not 7th "suggestion"). The "fog" IS that blinding to the one caught up in sinning.



I KNOW how much it hurts. But for your sanity you also need to understand that he would rationalize sinning AGAINST her too if he "felt like it." He'd be an "amazing catch" and an "excellent marriage prospect," don't you think? What do you think you wife would say if it were one of her friends dating such a lounge lizard?



Okay, I understand. I want you to understand that it is "okay" to want both, it's simply a matter of which "priority" is 1st and which is 2nd, not that one is "irrelevant." Focusing on HER relationship with God "even if" it means sacrificing your marriage to her if that is "what it takes" IS what is behind the idea of "laying down your life (the life of your marriage) for your wife" if it is needed. It is focused on HER need (for God) and not your need(to be married to the woman you love).

It's HARD, but it is sacrifical love that permeates all that you do....and IT speaks volumes to her that all the "words" you say never will.



And while she was waiting for God to dip his miraculous hand into your marriage and "do it for you, in spite of yourselves," WHAT was she doing to be the wife that God intended for her to be for you? Putting it another way, to paraphrase JFK, "Ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for God."



This is very common and very "human." God gives us two promises that are very pertinent to her (and your) situation and where she finds herself mired in doubt...

Romans 8: 28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through him (Christ) who gives me strength."

God does NOT promise to "twinkle his nose" and instantly "fix" everything just the way we want it. He promises to use all the circumstances in our lives to work out good for us and that HE will provide all the resources needed for us to be able to DO His will and to grow in love and Christ-likeness. OUR strength may weaken and falter, but HIS strength allows us to continue on THROUGH the "valley of the shadow death" until we reach the "other side" and safety and mutual love.



She is, unfortunately right in that millions of professing Christians DO get divorced. But make no mistake about it, divorce IS baaaad. The only exception that God makes for believers is for "marital unfaithfulness," and that exception is ONLY for the Faithful Spouse. God "hates" divorce. He "allows" it for marital unfaithfulness because He knows how terribly hurtful and difficult to recover from is Adultery. "Buying into" the worldview that "divorce is not so bad" is merely buying into self-centered justifications for pursuing one's own lusts, and NOT obedience to the one who bought and paid for you with HIS life.



Refer back to the first response, above.



By putting into practice 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.



I don't know if I'd put your Pastor into an awkward position. What he dealt with in counseling is private. If you give him permission to talk to them about YOUR situation and see if they might be willing to talk to you, that would be fine. But if the other couple wants to maintain their anonymity, that should be respected.

But I would suggest, if your wife is will, counseling with a trained counselor in marital counseling in the "Nouthetic" way. "Nouthetic" means "biblical" and will use the Bible as the "source" for Christian marriages, forgiveness, and healing. If that is something you think you and your wife might want to try, let me know and I'll give you a link to the website for the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors and you can search their counselor database for a counselor, or counselors, who might be near to where you live. Many of them provide counseling for free as a part of their ministry.




Not sure I was too helpful, but you are welcome to whatever I can offer to help you.

God bless.