Hi All,

Got a letter from WS's lawyer today- it states that WS is willing to pay for our divorce and hopes that I will initiate it soon.

Also that he will continue to pay the mortgage until the house is sold and finances are sorted.

It ends with the phrase- " My client hopes that this will help family relations as they appear to have become slightly strained recently"

You left your wife of 27 years for a woman you had known for 6 weeks and you continue to live with her- you bet that family relations are slightly strained.

Myself and the children are in plan b, we have had no contact for 4 weeks.

Do these WS's have any idea of the hurt they have caused.

In short, no. They are enamoured with the newness of the person they've latched onto. How can a 27 year old relationship compete with the newness and excitement of the WS newfound (so called) love?

They care only for their own feelings of the moment. I feel your pain as I'm there too.......

I didn't know that lawyers can get foggy too ! "slightly strained" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jean, I know it's crazy isn't it.

It seems that lawyers can also been dragged into the fantasy world of la la land.

The fog thing aside for a moment -


He's waiting for you to initiate it?

What are your thoughts on this? Do you plan to initiate it?

There are times when BSs can take advantage of the fog.

Maybe this is one of them.

Do you have your own attorney?

Yes I have my own attorney - she has suggested I file for divorce as it sounds like my WS is serious about it and he will probably file anyway.

I will be all right financially once the house is sold but I will have to buy my own place- smaller than the house I am in now of course.

Feel that this happening very fast and just wonder if WS realizes yet how serious the consequences of his actions are. We are all well prepared to get on with our life without him even though we love him.

Hope that he can live without all of us cos that's what he will have to do if he lives with or marries the OW. It's her or the family not both.

Not very good logic for such a serious decision.

I'll just jump off this cliff since I'm gonna die someday anyway.

Get my point?

Do you want a divorce?

If no, why seek one?

WAT

Not sure if I want the divorce or not.

WS has never given an inkling that he would like to save the marriage- he feels that he loves the OW and they are meant to be together.

If I dont file am I just delaying the inevitable and prolonging the hurt.

I have a similar situation although I was the one who filed as a knee jerk reaction to the A.

When she finally met the OM (it's been an internet/phone long distance thing up until a month ago) they did their thing for a few days in the hotel room I was chugging along in the background with my attorney. We went to a Mediator, came up with an custody/visitation agreement which I felt was a huge hurdle and for the first time in 8 months, I had a good mental picture of how life would be as a single Dad and am OK with it.

Well, I'm guessing the reality (and finality) of our current path was crashing down on her so, she is now in a total state of confusion. She isn't ready to proceed with the D but she isn't ready to give up the OM either so, I will do my best with plan A and see where it takes us. Up until now, she's refused to seek any form of therapy so another positive sign. She has her first appointment this Friday. I am hoping it will help her make the right choices in her life.

The affair has been going on 5 months now and they have been living together 5 weeks - there seems to be no sign that it's going to be over anytime soon.

I know plan b is a long term strategy but it will take 4 to 6 months for the divorce to be final, I wonder if this will be enough time for reality to set in.

I can always stop the divorce at ant time if the affair ends but at the moment WS is talking about getting married to OW.

Actually, this is so far a pretty short time period on the affair clock.

Nothing you describe is out of the ordinary and, rather, is very typical.

He's in love. We're gonna get married. She's my soul mate. I wanna stay friends with you. I love you but I'm not in love with you. Blah, blah, blah.

My main point is that if you do not want a divorce, don't file. Pretty simple.

Beyond that, even if you are ambivalent about divorce and choose to file just to get it over, and neither of you stops it, can you live with the "what if" for the rest of your life? Also, can you live with your H being able to say to you (which he will), "Well, you filed! It was your decision!"

Now, if you think you wanna proceed with filing sooner rather than later, let's get back to the fog thingy > file and bleed him dry, making sure you have slam dunk evidence for adultery (sounds like this shouldn't be a problem). Take advantage of the fog. He may cave and give you everything you ask for.

WAT

Yikes! 5 months and talking marriage?!?! My initial reaction to my WS's A was to file for D and let them crash and burn! I realize that I reacted without really thinking the whole thing out which leads us to our state of limbo today.

The good news (for my mental health)is I am prepared to go either way. If she decidess that she wants to continue the D, I am OK with it. If she wants to work things out, I've layed the out the framework in several conversations we've had over the last 7-8 months which starts with a complete and total disconnection with the OM.

So, if you REALLY want to make your marriage work, don't give up!! You have a 50/50 chance that things will work out. If you don't try, there is NO chance. That is the thought process that lead me to my current state. I can choose to end this at anytime if I feel I cannot take it anymore but I am committed to seeing this through until she figures out what it is she wants to do.

Thanks for all your replies.

I realise that 5 months in an affair does not seem long but to me it seems an age- I have not seen WS for about 3 months now and telephone contact has been very sporadic.

I would love to work at my marriage but as I said before WS seems so sure of his choice, perhaps these two are one of the few couples that will survive long term much as I hope they dont.

Perhaps I'm just feeling down today at the prospect of divorce.

miffy....

I've learned it is all fog. There is no need to wonder about if it is or not. Just accept that it all is.

You know, there are many spouses here that have been able to recover their M even after the WS tried to convince them that their A was special, the love of their life, etc. It is possible that you could save your M....if it happens at this point is all up to you. You will have to do all the work, you will have to choose to do all the work, and there are no guarantees. I had a nice chat with ncwalker and he told me that at the end of the day, you are the one who has to know if you want to clime the mountain, and when to turn around, before you are consumed by it.

It is your choice, good luck!

Remember that you are not the one that gave up on the marriage. If you choose not to fight, you did not give up, you tried to save yourself. That is important as well. Knowing when to go back down the mountain is important just as much as anything else.....self recovery is a good goal!

Take care.....

Daisy

How have your 5 grownup children handled their Dad?

Fill us in on what you have done so far re: Plan A and exposure?

WAT

White Daisy and everyone,

You all sound so strong and wise. I hope one day that I can be of help to others in this situation.

I do realise that the fog makes the WS totally blind to reality. I hope I can save my marriage- we had such a wonderful life to look forward to but if not I will try to come out of this a better person.

Worthatry,

Exposure is complete. I had little time to plan a as WS left on d day. However, WS had suffered a heart attack only 5 months before and we had spent a lot of time together and I thought were closer than we'd ever been before- I had been through all his rehab with him and had recently had a lovely cruise together.

WS stated on d day that after the heart attack he had re- evaluated his life and needed more, he met the OW whilst away on a 4 week course from work- she made him feel alive.

I dont think he had fully come to terms with his illness and I think was depressed.

The children have been very shocked by their fathers behaviour and have seen the pain he has caused me. They are also hurt that we had all supported him totally through his health crisis only to be deserted for someone new. I think this is why the children have also cut off contact.

((( Miffy )))

My heart totally goes out to you.

This is a tough road these affairs. But, I do not have to tell you that. Bless your heart.

You have come to the most perfect place to gain support and wisdom from during the hardest time of your life. These people here are unbelievable.

I am not an expert, but many, many are here who can help you with the best and only way to get your marriage back.

My only advice to you is... and this is very tricky.... IF and I only mean IF you think a divorce is inevitable... maybe and just throwing this out here.. there are some very wise attys. and such who probably know better than I do on this... I can only say what happened to me in my divorce, I was married the first time for 27 years.....

It is in your favor that if you really want a divorce -- to have your own atty file. That way they can file it with a judge that they "like". Does that make sense to you ? At least that is the way it seems to work in Texas here.

I am not trying to sway your thinking at all. Just saying that that is what I have found to be true. Just wanted to bring that idea to you, how accurate it may be.

Sending hugs. keep posting... You are not alone

carnation

I'm not a shrink, but seems like you have it nailed. "Life crises" are frequently the catalyst for affairs. (I also know this from personal experience.)

Do you have legal protection and binding division of assets?

If so, I recommend you go to Plan B, although this may be academic since no contact between you and your children with your H is occuring. Bide your time and let the affair fizzle.

If you don't have legal mechanisms in place for division of assets, property ownership, etc., get an attorney and get this done. The act of getting legal stuff in place will force some interaction during which you can Plan A your butt off. THEN go to Plan B.

WAT

Update today.

Attorney has sent me divorce papers to sign, if I sign and send back I'll be divorced soon.

WS text messaged the children- he hoped they were ok and they would start speaking to him again one day- he does know they will continue NC until OW is out of the picture.

I have had an offer on the house- have been waiting for 3 days for WS to reply to my email to say I can accept it- I thought this was what he wanted so why is he dragging his heels.

I wish I knew what was going on his head.