I posted a couiple weeks ago about my situation, which has now changed to a Plan A / Plan B problem. My wife and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. During this time, we have been generally happy together, with no major fights or problems. She had four children when I married her, and their dad cheated on my wife, told her that he no longer loved her, and went on with his own life. He has no contact with the kids, so I have been their dad for much of their lives. Our second oldest son died in a car accident last March, he had just turned 18. My wife was, and still is, very distraught over this, but doesn't want counseling or other "help" -- she is very independent and strong willed in that way.

So, her job took her to the Hurricane Rita area for the past three months -- she came home for a few days and Thanksgiving and a few days at Christmas, then came back ohome for good on February 2. I was at home with the two youngest kids, an 11 year old girl and 14 year old boy. During this time, she met and thinks fell in love with a guy there who took an interest in her. They played guitar together in the evenings, and he took a real interest in the son that was killed. He went so far as to write a song about him. Clearly, he was fulfilling emotional needs.

So, two weeks before she came home, she stopped telling me that she loved me when we talked on the phone every day. I asked her about this, and said she didn't want to talk about it until she got home. At the time I didn't know there was one specific guy.

She is now home, and she has told me that she has never felt that "spark" with me -- that magnetic attraction. She said she loves me, but more like a friend, and that there is NOTHING left to say or do.

She said that she has been attracted to "several" guys during the course of our marriage, and flirted with them to a point that she realized was going too far, and that each of them had one problem or another that would prevent her from choosing them over me. The new guy, however, is perfect -- in three months she hasn't found anything that she doesn't like about him.

So, what do I do? She continually says her mind is made up -- she will not find the kind of "happiness" she needs with me, and will never stop looking. With him, and with her first husband, she says that was never a problem... even with her first husband having cheated on her, she never thought about cheating on him.

I feel the same way, I love her, and I love her kids, and they love me. I just wish there was something I could do to show her that I CAN meet her emotional needs, now that I know about them. I have told her that she has never given me a chance in six years to do that -- she has always been looking outside the marriage to have them met, and has never given "us" a chance. She says she can't change how she feels, and I can't change in the way that would make the diffrence.

Plan A is hard to implement -- she is definately NOT going to give up her "soul mate" to try and save our marriage. I understand that most affairs die a natural death, but the pain of separation on me and the kids will have been done if we have to go to Plan B. Is there anything I can do to stay at home with them, and in Plan A? She is getting anxious for me to just move on.

Atticus,

Sorry you are going through this. Many WS's simply decide that it is not worth trying, try to realize that it is NOT you that causes their unwillingness, it is the addiction to the OM.

I'm certainly a beginner in all of this, so take my words with a grain of salt. Read all you can about Plan A and put on your best battle face. There is always hope, and there are many here that can attest to this!

She crossed the boundaries that form the sanctity of marriage, not you, you are not wrong, for now, hang in there and see what you can do. I know, its beyond painful.

I have something similar going on now too, my WW refuses to get help or work on anything, she has been having an EA with my 'friend', so I can relate. It is SO hard to get through to them right now...that can't see anything that they are doing is wrong, b/c the A feels so "right", and anytime you try to remind them it is wrong, they feel pain, and go running to OM.

Take of yourself, know that you are the better, and check out the following...

Bob Pure's Newly Betrayed Spouse Toolkit

plan a tips and musings

affair exposure 101

Hopefully some of this expert advice will be more helpful than what I can say...

Cheers! CJ

Thanks for the reminder -- it IS easy to start thinking that all hope is lost since the WW sounds so confident and resolute that it is.

The only blessing is that the OM lives about 1000 miles from here. She can run to him by phone, but not in person.

For the first 6 days, there was no communication at all between us, and she SEVERELY resented any attention I paid to the kids, telling me that I was just making it harder on them. What she doesn't realize is that I have grown a lot in the 3 months I have been their sole caretaker... I really DO have a much closer realtionship with them now than when she left. She sees it as an attempt to change her mind.

Now, we've kind of reached a truce. I told her that this was not good for the kids, and she agreed. She said she was afraid to show me any kindness for fear that I would misconstrue it as her changing her mind. So I told her that I understood, and she and I are talking again, and she is more relaxed, but still beleives that we will be separating and divorcing soon.

After reading "Surviving an Affair" I know exactly what is going on, and I immediately recognized the pattern of addiction she has with finding others to meet her ENs. I'm going to try to stay in Plan A as long as I can, becuase I know it will be very difficult to follow Plan B for me -- to turn away from her completely.

She has basically been in EAs since the beginning of our marriage. She has continued to IM a guy from 1500 miles away that came here to see her about the time I was dating her 7 years ago to this day, for example. I felt that telling her to stop would be saying that I didn't trust her, or that I was being too jealous. Guess I was wrong! When she would tell me about guys at work and talk on and on about them (she's an engineer and has to work around construction-type guys), I should have told her that was inappropriate. Those are all guys that she says she feels a "primal" attracton for, but not me. I've learned now... but is it too late?

It's never too late, yes the distance is an absolute blessing, what better to cool the primal urges for physicality, than to NOT be able to act physically! NO guy is perfect, but they act that way when courting, she is in fantasyland. No primal attraction!! Then WHY did she get married? These WS's NEED to be more responsible with their lives and the lives of others!!

Sorry, I'm doing this too, it just makes me furious that people can be this careless and uncommitted. I'll bet your W was once a totally different person. Remember this person, she'll get you through it...

EA's as I have learned, the hard way, are damaging beyond belief! The emotional attachment has bonds stronger than WW's that have one night stands or sexual addictions, from what I can tell...

Obviously, this behavior IS NOT appropriate within a marriage. YOUR NOT CRAZY!!! It took me 3mths to realize that my W's actions were NOT my fault! Know this NOW. It will help you focus. I did a lot of damage going through the first 2mths on my emotional rollercoaster.

Glad your reading SAA, I haven't ordered it yet... told you I'm a novice...can't tell you how much I've read here though...TONS.

Stand up for yourself, withOUT LB's, which is a VERY fine line. Do NOT accept their lies, but don't burst either. She will try to blame you for EVERYTHING.

Protect yourself, start gathering evidence if you can, DON'T get caught, don't show her your thread here. Protect your children, document your activities with them, document everything you can. I know it seems dishonest, but trust me a lot of my honesty did NOT help me. DON't lie, but leave out things that will taint her image of you. She is looking for every excuse she can to justify leaving. DON'T give her this ammo!

Try to take care of yourself, and take care of the kids, do your best to protect them from this, you are the only one fighting for your family right now! Know that you have value, integrity, and personal gifts. She doesn't have to acknowledge it for you to know it.

Hmm, I play guitar, I could teach you! haha Don't worry about this, successful relationships do NOT depend on things you have in common! This is a myth!

Keep your attention on the kids, they need you! I feel like I am "fatting up my kids for the slaughter", but they will FEEL that something is wrong, and they need help. Be a Dad, Domestic Support is a need, a good Plan B depends on a good Plan A! Do NOT let her let you feel guilty giving the children what they need, and let the JOY continue, with or without her, invite her in, but don't require her!

Stomp on these EA's, look up "Spybuddy" on google to track IM's, try not to let any spying upset your Plan A though, if you can't handle the truth, don't look at it all the time and try not to obsess...(yeah, i know, I'm not doing well with this either...hehe)

God bless and take care!