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#1584091 02/08/06 12:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 21
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My new bride of 5 months (8 yr relationship) was having an internet affair for a few months prior to and after our wedding. Of course, when I found out, she said she was in "love" with him, although the never met and she never saw a picture of him (due to their distance apart- I know they never met in rl). He came into her life when we moved and I had to work a graveyard schedule, and I truly believe he just filled a void in her life at that moment- nothing more.
Anyways, she has since told me she was never in love with him, which of course, I want to believe, and has given me every indication that she wants to focus on fixing our relationship. Problem is, she wants to keep this person as a "friend", which of course would prohibit me from healing and getting on with my life. She used to cyber with him constantly (when I discovered the affair and installed a keylogger), although I know she was lying about the things she was telling him she was "doing". I'm not sure what she got out of that, but on the other hand, i don't really care- I'm just glad that stopped. She has told me she is going to stop talking to him- but I want more closure than that. I need for her to tell him what she has told me (he still thinks I don't know they chat, although she has showed me her chat logs to show me it "doesn't mean anything" to her)- that she never loved him, that she loves her husband and wants to end contact with him so we can move forward with our lives. Of course, the first time I told her I wanted this (which was this am) she had a problem with it. She didn't "understand" why i needed that and initially outright refused. How do I proceed from here? How can I help her see that I need this to heal and put this behind me? I'm hoping as she thinks about it today, it will seem like less of a forced hand and more like something she WANTS to do to help US. Any advice?

Joined: Jan 2004
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Very clearly explain to her what you need. Black and white. No exceptions. Explain to her that this is what you need to rebuild trust... if she enters into it, it is her choice to do so.

Maybe look in the recovery board at the turn back the clock thread. It has some relevance to what you are about to embark on.


9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
Joined: Sep 2000
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romeo - I suggest you drop the word "closure" from your vocabulary.

"Closure" - whatever that is - will come as you rebuild your marriage into an affair proof one, or as close to an affair proof one you can get with your individual weaknesses.

Instead, focus with her on doing what is necessary to REALLY rebuild your marriage. This starts with a No Contact letter and continues with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER between both of you and the OM.

See? Instead of seeking that nebulous "closure" thingy that she cannot possibly know what it is for you, seek something (slightly) more tangible like increased trust in each other.

Does this make sense so far?

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that does make alot of sense- thank you. I think I use the term "closure" because I'm trying to explain to my wife why just stopping the chat cold turkey isn't enough. To me, that just leaves the door open for a dramatic "reunion" down the road. I want it closed and locked. I need something concrete. I need for her to tell this person the same thing she has been telling me- that she loves me, and was never in love with him at all. I have refrained from talking to this guy anymore because my wife asked me to let her end it on her own. She has cut back to just "chit chat", but that's still too much. My relationship with my wife has improved tremendously lately, and I know the only thing holding us back from being the couple we were is this other person. Once he is gone, I can start to rebuild trust for her again (she doesn't understand why I can't now, since she stopped the "affair"), but as long as he is in our lives, that will never happen. There is no such thing as a "friend" that started out as an affair.


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