When the instant messaging icon appeared in the tray I asked her if she installed it and she said no. I decided to download and install spyware and see if this was true. Okay so I tried to keep a secret what I found out looking at the Instant Messaging but the pain is too great to hide. Now she knows I know something and is angry over my intrusion into her privacy, feels like she can,t trust me anymore. Thinks I look at every private thing of hers am obsessed etc. All I wanted to do was prove what I suspected and that is what I did. EA and or PA. Denies it, they are just friends involved with the same company. I know they talked about looking at pornograpy and how she "bothered him" in a good way on thursday.

What has she done up til now that made you doubt her truthfulness? Have you ever before wondered if she is being unfaithful?

She had an affair about 10 years ago that I found out about when I accidentially came across a letter while looking through her purse for something else. Last summer I found a letter in the trash (agian by accident) where she had written to a guy on the internet where they discussed getting together, I crosschecked a phone # and saw where she talked to the guy for about an hour.

My W just found out about my "affair investigating" also. It is clear that our recovery will need professional help to get past this. As someone said, "you are not her favorite person right now" so bring up something like this will be a hot button.

C-

lfl

I guess if she didn't have anything to hide she wouldn't be so angry and defensive. My FWH is now quite willing to share anything and everything with me - emails, sms, phone calls. I feel for you. Take care and try to be strong. Also, please explain what "bothering in a good way on Thursday" means? (If it means what I think you're saying)

lfl,

I left out one thing and I do not know if this helps or not. A counselor (LPC) told me that this really needs professional help to be solved (hence, my comments about the hot button before.) In his comments, he stated that the entire spying process has to be "reframed" in the WS's mind. This is "investigating" not "spying." You will not be able to do this.


I am an amateur here trying to help my own WW out of the Fog so that we can begin recovery but this is the best advice I have gotten so far and I wanted to share it with you. Gotta go, need to buy Surviving an Affair today.....

C-

Hi Anon,
Thanks for your concern, it has been good to read these posts and realize that I am not the only one who is going through this. The pain of not trusting someone that you thought was your best friend is truly gut wrenching but knowing it is okay to feel this way is reassuring in some small way. It helps to know I am not going insane and will be able to cope with this no matter what.
Recently she went on a 2 day business trip to the hometown of the guy that she was IMing with, about 300 miles away. Seemed like a remarkable coincidence to me as she could of gone to a lot of places. I told her that very thought because I had seen a picture of her with this person at a work function. At the time she didn't know that I had seen some of her IMs. At about this same time I found this site, (MMs), and studied it extensively and began looking at myself and our marriage very closely. At the time I knew more than I was saying about her secret relationship with this person. I could of stopped her from going but to do so would of revealed what I knew (IM spying). After studying this site I realized that I wanted to stop playing this game and when we talked over the phone, while she was there, I just decided to get it all out in the open. She was shocked but said she knew it and that she had done nothing wrong and had nothing to hide. She acted upset that I didn't trust her and I said from now on I am going to be completely honest with you about what I am thinking and feeling and the truth is, no, I don't trust you and if you want to save this marriage and make it into something great than you ought to be concerned about that because without trust and respect our marriage is nothing but a shell. I basically said the burden of proof is on you not me and I am NOT going to live this way anymore. She claimed I am still punishing her for the affair 10 years ago and to some extent maybe I am but my heart won't let me let my guard down again. She agian riterated that she did nothing wrong but I said there is no right or wrong only what pushes us apart or brings us together (thanks for that Dr Harley). She said she still loves me very much and wasn't going anywhere (ie leaving me). She seemed still angry and hostile over spying and lack of trust and told me she had to make 2 stops for business on the way home. In anger she said I will probably ****** a couple more men before I get home, does that make you feel better and I said no it only makes the hurt worse. At this point she seemed to have a turnaround and her tone completely changed. She seemed to realize what her pride and anger may be causing her to throw away. I think she actually felt some compassion for the pain and hurt she had inflicted on me and possibly her family. Since she has gotten home she immediatly wanted to make love and has been very loving and open to discuss most anything (except the first affair 10 years ago). On the next business trip she wants me to find someone to stay with kids and go with her. I would like to do it since one of our problems is that we don't have enough alone time (me and her). Same old problem however is who can stay with kids for 2 days in a town where we don't know anybody and have no support. I think the bothering him in a good way wasn't anything physical (don't know for sure) because the guy lives 300 mile away and this was probably a flirting relationship that is over (she might be afraid I will embarass him or expose this even though I told her I wouldn't or maybe she actually wants to reconcile and save our marriage. She says the latter is the case. I know I have been tempted to be a WS also because my needs weren't being met either but after reading this wonderful site have decided to work much more digilently on building our love, respect and trust and meeting each others needs. Seems like a much better option. She is a beautiful woman and I love her and believe she loves me.We are both going to work to save and build what we have. I am not ready to completely let my guard down however and she knows it and understands that. There are many bridges to rebuild but I think we have a fighting chance.

Looking, please consider making new paragraphs with each new thought you write about. The "stream of consciousness" thing above is very difficult to read...I suspect my eyes passed right over any number of important points you wanted to make.

That your wife desires that you accompany her on her next business trip is encouraging. FIND a baby sitter and do it. Don't make excuses. Just do it.

You are extremely trusting that this EA did not turn PA. What makes you so certain of that? They had two days, at least, to consummate a fantasy they have been building and you have no evidence one way or the other. Why do you think they did not?

You’re making bad assumptions that she can be trusted to not let the affair continue and you already know you CANNOT trust her. Excuse me? Is that logical? What am I missing here?

You’ve also made two bad agreements with her. The first is a tacit one to not speak of her previous adultery. Two adulteries (that you know of) mark her as a serial adulterer, Looking. These adulteries NEED to be discussed until the two of you find out what caused them. Sweeping the first one under the carpet, when you obviously never resolved the reasons for it, is begging for another, and a third.

Your second bad agreement was to not expose the OM. Huh? You say you’ve studied this website. If you actually have, you’ve found any number of threads where people who expose their spouse’s adultery get their marriages back and those who don’t get their divorces finalized. Mister, as MelodyLane said some time back, the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping one.

There is a thread on General Questions II about the morality of exposing to the OM’s wife and family. I suggest you read it and then EXPOSE this affair or I fear you will have to live with the consequences, sir. Good luck. My thoughts are with you.