I've been in and out of this site several times but never had the nerve to post. Had a major blow out tonite with H. I really thought we were going to try and put our marriage back together. I have been following all of the advice on what to do after an affair and thought that he really wanted to work on our marriage. The OW has still been calling the house and tonite when my H was going to go out I told him that she called and hung up. I know this because I *69 the call the other night, It came in while I was gone to visit my friend.Also, she had called tonite from her place of work. I believe that he is going to see her. I feel like a fool. I believed that our marriage was worth more than that to him. I feel like it has been all one big lie. It got so bad at one time that I took my ring off which infuriated him. Now I'm wondering if that was all one big act too. I am totally disgusted with the whole thing and ready to kick him out. He left to go outanyways which tells me pretty much where I stand with him. I've wanted him to leave on a couple other occasions but couldn't make the final cut.He kept telling me he was confused but I thought he would see how much he could lose with me. How much does one person have to live with? He was so pissed tonite that I would have even confronted him with this. Is he mad because he got caught in another lie? Does that make them defensive? I'm thinking about really making him leave this time even though I know where he will be going. I can't live like this anymore. I can't just turn a blind eye to what is going on. I love him so much that it hurts but I can't even cry anymore. He does nothing to make me feel secure about us or wanting to make things work. He hasn't told me he's loved me in over a year. He asked me if I didn't have anything better to do than to worry about what is wrong with us. Will he never realize the enormity of what he's done? Sometimes I even wonder if is really sorry for what he's put me through. At one time I warned him that he needed to pull his head out. I'm afraid that he can't see the big picture as he still thinks that she is something special. I think she is something but special is not them. It's obvious that she will not let go or let up on him and the pull of what might be or the fantasy is too strong. Should I make him go? Please help me to make a choice. I am such a non-confrontational person and feel that I need the strength to make the right decision. I can't let my kids keep living in this. Thanks<BR>

Go to plan B if<BR>You've been in plan A long enough to build a track record of NO lovebusters (ie; 6 mo)<BR>and you are losing your love for him<BR>and he will not end his affair with OW have repeatedly telling you he will<BR>and you need to work on YOU and can't take it anymore<P>You didn't say how long in A, or if you have been lovebusting quite heavily before you went into A. How long has discovery been.<P>I am so sorry, but am so glad you got the courage to post. You need support. We are here for that, okay?<BR>

trustntruth:<BR>Found out about the affair in March.Found pictures(some explicit of OW)in his dayplanner. Have seen her on separate occasions. Actually sat behind her at the beach one time without realizing it until it was too late. He cried alot, told me he was so sorry but I hadn't been there for him for 9 yrs. (Emotionally that is) At that point in my life I was totally into my faith as a Christian. Found God actually a couple of months before the outing. He said he was confused because I had turned into this woman he could actually spend the rest of his life with. I feel that I have lost my faith somewhat. I forgave him and told him I would give him his space. I cried so much. The last time I had gotten a hang up from OW before this time, I took my ring off which was something I would have never done in the past. My ring was more than just a band of gold, it was my commitment to my H and to God to make my marriage work, he didn't even notice it for over a week and when he did he totally freaked out. He couldn't believe that I would ever take it off. I couldn't believe this from a man who wore his ring when he had an appearance to make. He told me to make sure to have my little black book to get all of the numbers of the men who were going to be hitting on me at my work. I was totally shocked to hear him say these things, I told him that I took it off after getting the hang up from OW. In a way it was easier after that to detach myself somewhat from what was going on at that point. He never really tells me what is going on as far as OW is concerned. He is very gentle when he speaks to me but he is also very detached. He doesn't hug me or tell me that I'm important to him. I have had a couple of lovebusts but for the most part have been sympathetic and thoughtful of his feelings. He still goes out on his regular nites which is 2 nites a week and I have always tried to give him his space, now I feel like I've been a fool. It always seems like when I go the other way he is up my behind almost like he enjoys the thrill of the chase. So I guess I have been in Plan A for about 7 months.

Well, lovebusters are wrong, and tonight might have been a lovebuster. I understand completely how frustrated you are. It is really really hard to sit there and watch them take off and have their cake and eat it too.<P>It sounds like your husband really loves you, but just is in so deep with this other woman. He respects you to death.<P>Maybe you should really try and be nice and kind to him again, without lovebusters for say, one more month and then get the courage for plan B. <P>Do you understand the Plan B? It isn't a punishing tool, or a get even tool. I'm sure you aren't that kind of person.<P>But if you are losing love for your husband, maybe this is what you need to do for YOU. I would just make sure that I was real careful that he didn't receive any mixed messages. Like get out, I hate you vs. I love you, don't leave me - we can make this work. I think that is the biggest temptation is to let our emotions control our words.<P>We have to choose what we want to do first, and then stick to it.<P>God Bless You.<BR>TNT

I know just what you are going through. I found out in March. H had been having an affair since Sept. We spent all summer talking, crying, I alway felt that he kept wanting me to throw him out and I wouldn't. He wanted me to make the decsion. BUt hten He would tell me how much I meant and he didn't want to loose me. But like you after awhile the touching stopped. If I instigated it them he would respond. Then sometimes he would act like he could be close enough to me. It kept me in total confusion, but the whole time he was lying to me about OW he was still seeing her. If you really think hard you know in your heart what it will take. I always knew that he was going to have to leave me, that he would never get her out of his head because the fantasy was too much. He had to see what it would really be like with her. He left me the end of July to be with her. I have hardly heard from him since. I still believe in my heart that this is the only way. I just pray that he will finally have his eyes open and that he is able to break it off with her and return to me. I still love him very much. I sstill cry alot, but so far I have not reached the angry stage and I'm not sure I will. You see I feel that this is beyond his control that he is very ill. You can't get mad at someone you is ill because they can't help it. It has to be an illness because this is as opposite of my H as it can be. Something happened in head to change him so drastically so he musst be ill. And that helps me get through some of this. I know you have doubts all the time and fears. You can't believe this is happening and everything seems unreal. I wish I could say it gets better. What does happen is that you have good days and bad days. But you get through them all because you have to. Keep busy, you don't think as much. My prayers are with you. I don't know if this will help. But I think you already know what you must do. You will have the strength to do what is necessary. We all do if we really care about ourselves and our spouses. <P>------------------<BR>di<BR>