I am tired and weary. I am tired of feeling so worthless. I am at this point I feel like I can't take the pain anymore. But yet I don't want to leave because of my family. I have been a faithful wife for 5 almost 6 years. My husband has cheated on me something like 14 times in the time we have been married. I try not to count. Those were not 14 different women, some of them he was with more than once. One of the times was a month after we were married with his best friends wife. Why did he even marry me if he wanted to be with other women! He could have been single and been with every woman in the world, it would have been between him and God. Instead of me, him, God, and the kids. The thing is that he has never wanted to leave. After the third time of me catching him cheating, it was the third woman, he told me everything. He confessed who he had been with, how many times. All the times I wondered about were true and then there were times I was so clueless. How could I be so stupid. Yet, he never has wanted to leave. He always wants to make it work. He has said he was sorry a million times. I do so good sometimes. I feel like I have totally forgiven him and then there are days like today. He called from work while at lunch and he told someone they could sit by him and it was a female co-worker. I did not saying anything to him because I know when I rant about it, it just pushes him away. Yet, I am at this point where I can't stand the pain of it anymore. I hate feeling like he is always doing something. I hate feeling like he has no control and he is going to slip up at any moment. I just want to run away. I love him but I can't take the pain. I am on anti-depressants but I feel like maybe they are not working anymore. I feel stupid making another appointment with the doctor cause I feel like a lunatic. What else can he prescribe me except a tranquilzer to put me to sleep so I can't ever think about it again. I am not saying I want to commit suicide. I am just saying it seems like NOTHING makes the pain go away. It's been a year and half since the last incident, or so I think. I feel like I would be stupid to think it will not happen again. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I have forgiven him, but the devil keeps coming at me with all these issues. I just don't know how to make it better. Why do I do so well and then BAM I am back to square one? I don't want to leave because I love him. I don't want to leave because I am a stay at home mom with children to raise and I don't want to put their needs last. Yet, I feel like the only thing that will make all this go away is to run away from it and divorce him.

Of course he doesn't want to leave, he gets to do whatever he wants. He has the benefits of marriage and the freedom of being single. It seems that he wants to have his cake and eat it too and that so far he has been able to.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry that you are here, but you will get all the help you need and want from the many, many folks here, both FWS and FBS, who have walked in your shoes.

You already know that this can't continue. Please read the information here and get a copy of Surviving an Affair. Begin a good Plan A and try to get your husband into marriage counseling with a good pro-marriage counselor.

You mentioned kids, how many and how old? Do not think that they will be more negatively affected by a divorce (if it comes to that) than they will be growing up living with a father who is a serial cheater.

Who

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Your husband is a serial cheater/sex addict. This very likely has more to do with his upbringing than with you. I know that is little consolation.

I think you are going to have to ask him to get counseling for it.

He knows that you are a SAHM and will put up with his antics. This makes it a problem. You are going to need to work on changing yourself.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

My view of a WS is that some of them just aren't ready to be married or some of them don't know how to be married. It's not always about EN's... sometimes it's about being mature enough to be commited to a marriage.

I was married before. So was he. I have two children from my previous marriage. They are 13 and 11. I have two step sons that live with me full time, they are 15 and 10. Thier mother passed away from cancer so all they have is me. Then my I have one one more child with my husband now and she is 5. We have five children all together. I know my older children survived it when I divorced their Dad. I just want so bad to make it work. I don't want another failed marriage. I don't want to put my step son's through all this. My 15 year step son would want to stay with me but his Dad would never let him I am sure of it. He is not my biological son but I love him like my own. I would be not just giving up my hubby but my two step sons who I have been raising for the last 6 years.

I did not want to hear serial cheater. I never even thought of the word. How could I be so stupid not to see that. It's like staying with an alcoholic except infidelity hits right where the heart is.

has he ever gone to counseling with you..or is each post affair..you 'getting over it'

ark

Hopeful...thank you for saying that. You put into words exactly what I have been feeling! For months I have been feeling so much quilt about not meeting my H's emotional needs....I know now, that I could have done better. But it would not have changed the outcome.....he was not mature enough to commit to the marriage.


It is not all about ENs. This is why not all marriages can be rebuild......


last....
it does sound like your H is a serial cheater.....that is something that must be dealth with if you want your M to last, and be a good M. If he thinks it can be ignored than he is wrong. You are here, because you don't trust him. You are realizing something has to change. The status quo is not working for you. Read up on this.....you will be able to make a better decision with more information....

best of luck to you.

Daisy

Is you H a Christian or just you?

My FWH was a serial cheater in many ways - and immature about marriage. He told me he wouldn't have been faithful no matter what marriage or what the situation. Just over a year ago, he got saved & it has been the ONLY thing that has turned his behavior around & made him aware of who he really was. He is now looking at himself by the standards of the Bible which certainly will change anyone who does that.

I recently spoke to a man at church would was even worse, serial cheater, drug addict & dealer, violent, thief, etc. (BTW-he's on his way into the ministry now) He said the ONLY thing that has changed him is God & reading his bible daily. He said MC didn't do much for him. His wife told mentioned he was a sex addict & now he calls home if he has any trouble during his day. He is a changed man, but not after hurting his family immensely. He told me "When God gets ahold of a man's heart after he's done something like that, you are completely disgusted with yourself."

What type of relationship your H has with God?

Never any counseling. Ever. Just me getting over it and him saying that he does not want to be like that and he is not going to do it again. I don't know why we have not gone to counseling. I checked into it and we discussed the price of it. However, we have plenty of money for other things. It's not a money issue.

I guess I should say that he was actually married and so was I when we met. I guess part of me feels like he could stop because I cheated on my first husband, many times. My ex would be happy, he would think I am getting paid back for what I did to him. I guess maybe it's different for women. I met my husband now and I felt like he was the love of my life. I left my ex husband for him. He left his wife for me. Not once have I felt compelled to cheat on him even though I did in my first marriage. Of course I have come to know God since my firt marriage, that might make a difference. Isnt that odd? One would think with all that I have been through I would have done it to at least get back at him. But I havent. I dont want to. So, since I feel like I made the wrong decisions in my first marriage I feel like he could be like me and never want to do it again. Men are different I guess. If he cheated on his first wife, and cheated on me, the odds are really against me. He would say God has forgiven him for all those things so I should not bring them up. I just can't help but feel like it's just going to continue.

Thank you for all your help. I do appreciate it.

Oh my!! Ark hit such an important point!

I too was married to a serial cheater... all in all I finally found out about 11 in ten years so I figure it's probably closer to 22 - I doubled what I knew about.

In the early A's that I knew about, my 'getting over it' and getting to a place that I was willing to stay was the focus. Even in counseling that was the focus. Once I got to that point we stopped working on things for the most part.

In my experience, staying with a serial cheater is going to require a lot of work not only for you, but for him. He needs to figure out why he does it before anything you try will make a difference.

Personally, I chose to leave. I have 3 children. Two girls who I didn't want to ever look at their father as a model of what to look for in a man and a son who I couldn't imagine one day looking at his father as the model of a man. I never wanted any of them to look at our marriage and what I allowed to happen as an example of what they should settle for in their own lives. I had to teach by example that you must first respect yourself before you can expect anyone ele to respect you. The divorce sucked. It hurt everyone involved, especially the children. In my case though I truly believe that staying in that place would have been more detrimental, especially to the children. At some point you have to accept that you can not force change in people and that there simply are those of bad character who will not change.

That's not to say your situation is hopeless. Hard, yes. My XH wasn't willing to look at himself or change. Maybe yours is.

I think you need to stand back and really evaluate your situation. Is he capable and willing to change? That isn't something you can answer by the way. He has too.

FIM

We are both Christians. Believe it or not my hubby is the one who introduced me to Christ. He was the reason I am saved! It only gets more confusing, doesnt it.

We talked to our pastor & asked him to recommend a MC for us. I didn't realize they have someone at the church who counsel's couples & family - and it's free. You might check into that because it will give your H more accountability for his actions (I believe).



It's obvious by his avoidance of the topic that he is still a WS (at least in his thought process). If he was really remorseful & wanted to save his M, he would not avoid it.

Here's something that helped me:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Read Suzet*'s post about What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile (4th post from the top). This helped change my H perspective on his responsibilities in recovery.