My wife moved out 2 nights ago to have some time to be by herself and test drive this guy she has been having an A with for the past 4 months.

How do I get through this? One of the reasons for leaving me was that I was so controling. I feel like there is nothing I can do right now but watch it play out.

We are meeting in MC tonight to possibly make a plan. I will go to MC if I think it will help matters but she will not give up her A.

I took today and tomorrow off of work and my Doctor put me on anti-depressants.

The other matter is I had an A 6 years ago. I feel terrible about it and it was not an emotion A but more physical. We went to MC for it at the time but my W keeps holding it over my head. I want to bring it up again tonight in MC and ask for forgiveness again...even though she is having a very emotinal A with the OM. She says she thinks she loves him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Terzio,

Well, IMHO, there is not much point in MC while she is still involved w/OM. Her fogginess will make it fairly impossible to fix your marriage.

It may be necessary for you to start a good plan B since she moved out.

Sorry, I know this is hard.

Who

She's not going to respond to your plea for forgiveness. She's not going to respond to your plea for working on the marriage. She's in it deep right now and those things are just going to make you appear more controlling and unattractive in her eyes.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time right now. I know you are looking for any possible scrap of decency out of this woman, and that keeps you clinging on to these moments, but you are just going to end up disappointed.

Have you been in plan A for a while leading up to her departure?

If she's already moved out, I think it's time to hit her with plan B (others may have a differing opinion). She needs to be snapped back in to reality, and losing contact with you and your children will do that. Don't make things easier on her by allowing her access to you and your child while she is romping around with another man. And this is exactly what she is doing: Getting away from you so she can see him. You know this is the truth, even if you don't want to believe it (I didn't want to believe it either in my case). She is moved out so she can spend more time with him. She is lying to you about 'needing space', or 'time to think'. She wants to date him and see if it works out.

Save your money and quit the MC sessions. Instead setup an appointment with Harley and he'll give you a gameplan. He's really good and specializes in this stuff. A marriage counselor is not useful for this kind of situation.

Good luck.

Don't expect any real progress if she insists on being with the OM. Have you exposed this A to her family and/or friends? Don't let her do this without informing others of what she is doing.

Expose... expose... expose!!!

I will never understand this logic. You may have had an affair 6 years ago, but that doesn't excuse hers - she should know better, because she knows how much pain and devastation that can cause. To turn around and do it herself...

she was sleeping in the spare bedroom for the last 4 month telling me she was not happy in the marriage. I ended up going to therapy on my own and dealing with my anger issues she said I had. I also stepped on my fathrely duties, etc, etc...we have not had any fights. She says I am a different man than the one she was going to leave in July.

When I found out about the affair I told her good friends and her family. Her family is now not talking to her in fact her Dad might have gone too far and said she is not his daughter any more.

Anyway, she felt I was all over her with eamils and leters and got it that I loved her. She kept saying 'what about me, what about my feelings". She says she needs to do this.

She says I will be shooting myself in the foot if we don't go to MC...it is the only place she feels comfortable speaking to me.

At this point, I will go tonight and hear the argument why we should keep going but I want to set up my own boundaries. I wnat to say we can meet back in 2 weeks or a month OR when she stops seeing the OM!

I don't think she is very logical right now. She doesn't seem to be herself. She told me she didn't mean to fal for this guy. I asked her why she would confide in a male co-worker about your marriage problems? She told me all her other friends left the company and he was there. Well, now he has all this amo against me.

I have frinds telling me to call the OM up but one of my wife's issues with me is that I try to control everything and her I go again...the old husband has come back. She keeps saying that it is HER who is doing this.

Everyone knows about it. She has aleinated herself from all her good friends and family but she is driven to do this. She says she has all her life done things for other people and this is the first time she is doing something for herself.

Sounds like you have done a good plan a already. I would also advise you go on to a plan b. You made changes to yourself. You seem to understand where you went wrong. Honestly, now it's time for you to grow a spine, and say, if you go out that door, you are on your own. And since she has already left, it's time to back it up.

The key here... you gotta be strong. All business. Game face man. Don't give her anything. Not a smile. She is not allowed to gain a single thing from you emotionally. Don't let her get it, make the OM feed her emotions. They will run out. It's hard...but don't play games. Jealousy ain't the answer here, walk upright, and show her you know what your goal is, and you know what is gonna happen, even if she can't see it yet.

Be strong.
-hang in there

Thank you god advice. I'm prety scared about this. They were good friends before the A so I feel like this might not end the way I want it although she keeps telling me she does not want a divorce at this time. She told our son that this is temporary...hhhmmm...don't lie to my son or me.

Terzio,

Your wife left to "test drive" the other dude. Is she living with him? He is a co-worker?? Has there been exposure to the boss at work? Do you know the scumbag?

And you are NOT controling if you contact the OM!! You are fighting for your W and M. You must do whatever you can to break up the A. "Controlling" is a frequently used word in the foggy vocabulary.

I agree that going to MC while she is test driving is a waste. Although it might be a good time to give her the Plan B letter and tell her not to contact you until she is ready to move back in.

She is not herself now because she is totally fogged up. Do not believe a word coming out of her mouth at present. She has forsaken her friends, family, you and the kids (if there are any) for this experience. I say experience rather than the OM, because it is the chemical induced experience (addiction) that she is enthralled with. Her brain is entirely drenched in pheremones and endorphines, just like the crack head sucking on his pipe!

Let her wallow in it and it will soon turn to misery and crap. With NO emotional, financial, or physical contact from you.

Stay strong!!

k

Terzio,

""she keeps telling me she does not want a divorce at this time. She told our son that this is temporary.""

FOGBABBLE BIG TIME!!! Do not believe a word!! This is an alien being you are speaking to.

She is going to say anything to you and even her son, in order to keep these addictive feelings going.

She has already alienated her friends and family, correct? Just like the drug addict or alcoholic, putting the addiction first.

k

Terzio,

I am so sorry you are going through this mess.

My WH also has alienated all of his friends and family even the kids. Since July when he moved out its been this way.

There are a few cracks showing in the A now but not emough for reality to really hit. But in time it will....

Let time do its job and you protect yourself and children from it. Live your life and try and be happy. I know easier said than done but thats all you can do for now...

Time is on your side.... It's your friend.......



Hurting

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. It is the worst nightmare. I don't want to let go but honestly if she doesn't love me than he can have her...I say that now...she has been out of the house two nights.

Her own parents are telling me that I have the right to divorce her and that I will be fed up in less than 2 months but I do have the house and she has cut herself off from most of our friends.

She still want to go to MC..I think I might want a break. I need her to miss me a bit.

Take care.

Terzio,

I understand what you are saying because I go back ad forth with the same thoughts.

One day I say if she wants him so be it but the next da I am back to fighting. Your emotions will be all over the place, day to day sometimes hour to hour...

My MIL tells me to forget him and move on and find happiness with someone else. In fact my MIL is my biggest supporter and WH has cut her off as well.

But I do believe in this one day they will see and feel the pain of what they have done. I just pray for all of them that when they do the people they ran from are still willing to forgive and welcome them back home....


Keep your chin up and head held high. You will make it through this.....


Hurting

We went to MC tonight. Right away my W was crying saying she misses me after two nights. She said she has gone through all sorts of emotions.

She said our sone wants mommy and daddy to have pizza together on Valentine's Day adn I said no way as long as yuo are seeing the OM.

We did not talk about the OM in MC but when we got outside I said this is crazy, how can we work on our marriage when you are seeing someone else. She said I am not ready to give that relationship up...what!?!

And yet she was crying that she had to say good bye to her 7 year old son for 3 days! She told me I have a choice to get out of the M as well but she wants to continue MC. It has been very good for us but I said I want to take a break from all this for at least 2 weeks. That will be the longest we have not seen each other in 13 years.

People are wondering why I am sticking this out...they think I'm crazy...I don't know, I need to see where this goes in the next few weeks. She is already feeling it. I have been feeling it for 8 months!

We went to MC last night and she started off crying saying she already misses me and it's really hard on her (she has been gone for 2 night). The MC us realy helping us communicate which has been one of our huge problems in our M. She is an avoider which has lead up to her A.

We got outside and I asked her what in the world she was doing and she said she was getting away to get some perspective of what she has in her life. I said how do you get perspective on your marriage when you are seeing another man? She told me she is not ready to give that relationship up! What!?!

She told me it's only been tow days! I said it's been 2 days and 6 months for me!

I guess I shouldn't have talked to her after MC. She says she has some things she wnats to tell me about her "relationship" I will not want to hear...

We are going to MC one more time (or at least scheduled). She realy wnat to go...I said I need a break.