I posted this in the "just found out" section, too, but then realized it might be better posted here.

My husband & I have been together 7 years, married for almost three. He is an Army Reservist, and has been deployed overseas twice since we have been together. The first time was only for 6 months, we had no problems. The second time was for 15, and he had an affair with a female soldier. He started the affair about 5 months after he was gone, he said it was after she continue to puruse him for several months, tempting him, and he finally gave in. He says he did not do it for any reason but for sex. He told me he felt awful after it would happen, and he would distance himself from this person and be disgusted with himself, but a month later she would come back. He had sex with her 5 or 6 times in about 9 months. He said there was no emotion involved on his end, it was only sex. He confessed this to me after I begged him to be honest with me after his return just before Christmas, as I knew something was wrong and he was acting "guilty". Now that it's out in th open, he is begging for my forgiveness willing to do anything to proove to me he did it due to the circumstances of being gone for so long, and would never have ever done it if he were home. He swears he loves me with all his heart, that he never meant to hurt me & thought I would never find out & that he could swallow the guilt, but when he got home he was so overwhelmed that he needed to tell me. He swears he has & never had any feelings for this person, that it was just sex. He promises me if I give him another chance, this will NEVER happen again, and that I will not regret it & that we will come out stronger in the end. We have started counseling together & seperately, his idea.

I do not know what to do. My husband & I literally had the perfect marriage before he left. We love each other, we never were interested in other people, spent all our time together, our lives were perfect. The military took him away & he made a selfish decision & it has ruined our marriage. Is it ruined forever? I don't know what to do. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot function. I cannot get the image of him having sex with her out of my head. I am sick over this.

Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

It is changed, whether it's ruined is a decision you and he have to make together. Well, actually, it sounds like he wants to fix things he did wrong. It's your decision on if you want to try and fix things. First, try and decide that.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us, but sorry you had reason to come here.

What you are going through is the horrible pain and shock of being betrayed by the person you love. It is completely miserable, and you may have periods of uncontrollable crying and despair. It is common not to be able to eat or sleep.

But it won't always be like this. Things do get better with time. But it takes quite a while.

It sounds like your husband is truly repentant, which is rather unusual around here. Not too many come forward with the truth like yours did. So I give him credit for that.

If you truly have a strong marriage, you can and will get through this. It would be a shame to have something like this ruin your marriage. By the way, your old marriage is gone, and you will have to grieve that. But you can go on to have a wonderful marriage and life.

Let me second the Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I had a sitution very similar to yours. You can work on it, you can get through it and you can have a better marriage than ever before.

I strongly recommend some counseling with SH for both of you. In my case, we only worked on it until I could get over it and decided to stay. He went on to have many more affairs.

It wasn't just an issue of being pursued and having sex. There are many service members that are deployed and don't have affairs. That is a cop out in order to not really look deeply at himself and the marriage.

My ex said all the same things and I think he really believed them. By sweeping things under the rug that needed to be dealt with though and allowing "I don't know why" or "It was just sex" to be enough, we never resolved what really allowed the A to happen.

Another thing to consider is that because we didn't finish the work that needed to be done there was never true healing for me. I couldn't let go of the blame and the feeling of righteous superiority for years. It caused problems I never even realized until years later and made me less of a wife and person in general.

Read here a lot, get the book Surviving an Affair and counsel with Steve Harley. There are plenty of counselors out there but I don't believe you'll find someone more qualified to actually help your marriage thrive rather than just survive. It's pricey but so worth it.

Good luck to you.

FIM

Thank you for your responses.

Yes, my husband is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. He knows what he did was so wrong, on so many levels, he is not making excuses. He says it would never have happened if he had been home, and I truly believe that.

Yes, our marriage that we had is gone. But, I believe we can be happier in the end, and come out stronger from all of this. My husband is willing to do whatever it takes. He knows this will not happen overnight, and it may take years to get through the pain. He is willing & 150% committed to that. What he did was wrong, no excuses. Do I think he did it because he didn't love me enough? I don't know. I guess he didn't. I know he did not respect our marriage, becuase if he did he never would've done what he did. I do believe, though, that he loves me, and would do anything to take back his mistake. I also beleive that if faced with the same challenge down the road, that his decisions would be completely different because he knows the hurt he caused.

I know we are taking the healthy steps to get through this. We have no children together, so it's not as if we are staying together for the wrong reasons of "doing it for the kids". We love each other, and we want to have a strong marriage that will last forever. Maybe my husband needed this pain to truly appreciate our marraige & what we have built together. I don't know. I know God works in mysterious ways, and I am also a true believe that everything happens for a reason.

Hopefully someday I can come back here & give advice to others on how a marriage can survive a one-time affair & go on to be a happy one. I pray that I can get there someday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />