Oh Lord, where to begin? My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years now. We've been through literally everything together. We own a condo together and she's about to graduate from a local 4 year university in March. We were scheduled to be married in August at her parent's house. We had everything ready to go.

Let me preface this first with why I'm posting her. If there was one thing a week ago that I had to come up with as to any imperfection in either her or our relationship, I would've drawn a blank. The reason I was going to marry her is she is literally my other half. We do everything together and completer each other. I've never gotten along with another human being in my entire life as well as we get along. What happened last Thursday night changed all that forever, and if I didn't want to see if it could work this would have been over with on Friday.

Thurday night she was on her second night cocktailing at a restaurant. I had her get the job to help with the bills since she's only going to school 2x a week now. I've been home sick and fell asleep on the couch at 9pm waiting for her to finish her shift. I awoke at 1am and she was not home! I called her cell phone and received no answer. I became very anxious and was utterly sick worried about her. I then drove down to the restaurant trying not to awake anyone because I was worried, didn't know if anything was really wrong. Maybe the bar wasn't closed? I got the shops and everything was closed. Everything. There were only 2 cars in the parking lot, hers and another. My heart started racing. I looked in the windows and all the lights were off, couldn't see anyone. Ran around to the other side, looked in the window and saw movement on the bench. Looked harder and OM popped his head up, followed by WS. Her clothes were all the way on (it wasn't primal at all) and he started to put his arm around her when I knocked on the window and ended it.

I left for the weekend and received upwards of 30 voicemails screaming in pain over how sorry she was...yada yada. She apparently had a bad night at work and was offered a drink by the manager. Then co-workers told her to hang out so they could get to know her and bought her about 3 shots of tequila. She claims she was on her way out the door, everyone had left, when the bartender told her that the door was locked and she needed to use the other one, was leading her over there and then all of a sudden "they were kissing".

This is the worst week of my entire life. She is begging to make it work. Wants to go into therapy...of course claims nothing more would have happened and that it hadn't happened before. She promises to do anything to never hurt me again like this. I don't want to believe her. I don't want to leave her either. I feel if I don't leave for good, this will undoubtedly happen again. I thought I knew her, and thought we had the perfect life, thought she'd never ever do this and it happened to me. I've canceled the wedding, should I give her the chance to go into therapy etc? She still says she doesn't know why it happened. I hate being weak, I feel the weakest ever right now. Everyone says it doesn't matter how perfect she was or if she'll do anything, they say people like that cannot change.

Please help me with advise.


In_Distress
23yr Successful Battered Man

Welcome to marriage builders. I'm happy you have found us.
It is a good place to do a lot of reading, so you can evaluate whether you want to give her another chance or not.

The advice here is usually to end things, if the betrayal happens while engaged, or while newlyweds with no children.

That being said, this there any history of cheating in her other relationships that you know about. Any history of inappropriate behavior while you have been dating?

I would at least postpone the wedding and date for a long time. I know it is extremely hurtful, even if you are not married, but at least you don't have all of the legal entanglements.

I WOULD go to counseling with her. Because this is going to have to be worked through whether or not you marry her.

Is this how you are going to enter in to a commitment with her for the rest of your life? How will you ever trust her again? How many nights will you stay up worrying sick while she is out "working"? You don't have kids, you're not married, there is a whole world of wonderful, trustworthy women out there. Don't let your heart lead you to a life of misery with someone who cannot be faithful to you.

Are there any success stories for those who stay and go through counseling? I haven't heard any...I guess that should speak for itself.

There are lots of success stories here. Stay around and read for awhile. Many have recovered from much worse situations - affairs, children from affairs, etc.

Some people make one mistake and never do it again. Others are serial cheaters.

I'm assuming you mean benches inside the restaurant for customers to sit while they wait on a table. I'm trying to imagine how they could be there kissing...but then their heads "popped up." From your description, they would have had to have been slumped down on the bench? Or did his head pop up and then he sat down or something? My whole point is that I'm not sure you got the whole story. Perhaps you have it all. I don't know. I guess I'm just suspicious by nature.

That having been said, she just started work and was almost immediately involved in something physical with one of her coworkers? That speaks of a serious flaw in her makeup. Alcohol does, in fact, lower one's inhibitions but hers seem to have dropped completely away after three drinks. That's very unsettling.

You have some serious thinking to do. You have to make a decision as to whether you love her enough to attempt to recover from this betrayal. If you do, there's a lot of trust that must be rebuilt. When you've absorbed the information in this forum, come on over to General Questions II.

[I don't want to believe her. I don't want to leave her either. I feel if I don't leave for good, this will undoubtedly happen again.]

Sounds as if you have made up your mind. You don't WANT to believe her. If you don't want to believe that this was a mistake and won't happen again, then you won't ever make that leap of trust. Ultimately, as others have suggested, this is your choice -- since you are not married and there are no children involved.

Speaking from my own experience, I believed my WH (married 29 years) when he said that he had made a mistake -- that this woman, who set out to snare my husband and break up our home, was a temptress and opportunist who preyed upon his/our weakest moments. I definitely WANTED to believe him, and I made it easy for him to "come home". It was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Our marriage today -- 5 years after the "event" (almost to the day) -- is better than it has EVER been (and we have had some truly wondrous years).

The choice is yours -- believe her or not -- but if you don't, cut her (and yourself) free once and for all.

IN_Distress,

I would say give this a little time. It seems to me your GF has to figure out WHY she did this, why she felt it was OK if you did not know. And then you have to make some decisions. So far she has offered you NOTHING to believe. ONly empty promises, what you will need to see is action and that may include counseling for her and perhaps you so that you understand what is going on and has gone on.

But, take your time and have patience. If you do this your decision will become obvious to you, in the fullness of time. Patience is the watch word.

God Bless,

JL

My mother always said that if you are married then you give R a shot. If you are dating you cut and run and thank the heavens that you find out before you walked down the isle. There is zero reason for you to stay with someone that would do something like that. She is not your wife or the mother of your child. However if you take her back someday she might be both and then she would not only hurt you but an innocent child as well. No, she has problems but a 'soul mate' does not mean fornicate with other people. Plus if you don't take her back you might be doing her the biggest favor, now she has to grow up and take care of herself.

Sounds like a long time at 23, but tis just a drop in the bucket.



Plenty. But it is a long, painful, and difficult process, not for lightweights. Your GF needs to understand completely all of the things she must do to help you get thru this. The bulk of the giving etc are all hers now. Have her come here and read the posts on the responsibilities of a WS and see if she thinks she can even do it.

This is so much more than just saying "I'm Sorry."



Back seat of car I think.

Sorry that this has happened to you. We can help, but the decision to stay or go is yours to make. Give it plenty of time. FWIW, I wouldn't just postpone the wedding, for now at least, I would cancel it and give it at least a couple more years before committing to someone who has betrayed you this recently.

Read the thread on turning back the clock to d-day and see how many of us here who consider ourselves "recovered" would still cut and run if we could do it over again. It was eyeopening for me.

Who

Thanks everyone. As to the bench question, it was a bench at a table near the back door of the restaurant, they have chairs on one side of the table and a bench on the other.

I guess with her, I want to believe that she really can not do this again. I'm willing to stay around through the therapy phase, and take things slowly for now. I've explained to her that her actions are the same as having sex with him in my eyes and that it's hard to act like it didn't happen. I've been very distant recently in thought.

In addition, I read her my post on this website, and all of the responses as for her to understand the severity of her actions. I've dated many women even though I am young. I guess I've never had someone that understands me so well, or is willing to DO ANYTHING for me. This was the biggest unexpected blow of my life...so far.

My take so far is to wait through this understanding process, I've cancelled the wedding for now (at least a year or two) until we can get a grasp of the 'WHY' question and see if it's something we can work through together. I am not excusing her actions, and I want her to better understand the consequences of her actions, why she betrayed me, and what is at the root the actions before I can really begin to rebuild any trust between us.

I feel that so far, she's adequetely shown that she's willing to make all efforts neccessary for me to allow her to go through this process. I still haven't made up my mind and it might be a while until I do. I appreciate all the responses and support, this is so hard for me as I understand it has been for you.

Thank you,

In_Distress
23yr Successful Battered Man

No offense but nobody should be getting married at the age of 23. Live some more, date some more and most importantly mature some more. People who marry young have a higher chance of cheating then those that waited till their late 20's early 30's, they has a chance to sow their wild oats. Also I think her messing around was a signal that she is not ready to get married either but would like to date. I say let her date and you should too.

I agree with whatever... Wait a while to get married. Til death do you part is a long time. Why rush into it if you are not 110% sure.

So sorry this has happened to you, but someday you might look on it as a blessing in disguise. Something that opened your eyes and stopped you from making a mistake.

Take care.

Mind if I add an adjective?

Something that opened your eyes and stopped you from making a HUGE mistake!

Let her be somebody elses problem, enjoy your youth because it will be gone faster then you can say 'she cheated'.

I just got her to admit that she noticed that the OM was giving her feelings that he was attracted to her all night. And she admitted that she wasn't repulsed by "him" as she said before. So she now has identified a little of the 'Why'. Although I now feel she knew this before and did not disclose it. I mean, if every guy that looks at her...? Did she conceal this information or did she just block it out? I feel more and more like this could be it... I'm devistated.

In_Distress

Let me offer you another perspective.

I am an older woman--perhaps from your parent's generation. I have been happily and faithfully married to a faithful man for a very long time.

In my view there can be no affair when there is no marriage. No promises were made before church or state. A betrothal is a promise to marry and not much else.

Only with marriage is the promise truly made to forsake all others.


Many people who post here are bitter because they have been cheated on. They see things through different lenses than someone like me.

If you were on a forum of happily married old people, I suspect you would get different advice.

Many young people today cohabitate, buy property, pretend to be married. But this does not carry the same promise.

Follow your heart, for your heart will know of the love that is meant for you.

Pieta - I always love your advice, but whoa. Most people think that being engaged means being sexually exclusive. Otherwise it is just called dating.

believer,

I have to agree. I'd have to say I feel as though we were married. I can't think what the piece of paper was going to change between us. I think I've decided to give her a chance as the wedding is off and she is open to absolutely anything it takes to restore the trust. I have told her it could be years, but she still wants the opportunity to gain it back. I do love her enough, I can only pray now that I've made the right choice from my heart and not a stupid choice from anger...

In_Distress

Friend, it's possible your gf is going to come clean about the whole thing a little bit at a time. It's a tactic many wayward persons use when they're afraid the betrayed person won't be able to take the whole truth. She's already given you a small additional tidbit. There may be more to come.

I'm still confused about why the bartender's head would bob up from where? From some lower level? And then hers came into sight. You don't seem concerned about it, so I'll assume you've satisfied yourself you know all of the physical contact. I won't bring it up again.

I think your decision to suspend the wedding for an indefinite period is an excellent idea. Her willingness to engage in inappropriate activity so readily speaks of a possible flaw you need to know about.

By the way, you have made her quit that job, right? Did you have a talk with the bar owner to express your unhappiness that his/her employees would take advantage of a woman in the fashion he did?

Pieta,

I still believe that when you have agreed to marry someone, that should mean that you are ready to be monogomous. If someone still wants to "date" then they should remain single.

Last time I checked, marriage is a matter of free choice.

Who