My wife had an affair 3 1/2 years ago with a 'friend' who's wife was the breadwinner, which afforded him the ability to sit around & wonder what he wanted out of life & he decided he wanted my wife. I discovered their affair from his wife & I was completely broken.

We had kids & still loved each other so we decided to work it out. After years of counseling, prayer, reading 1000 books, my wife & I drew close to each other & The LORD & I forgave her. We moved on. To my knowledge she never saw or talked to him again.

In counseling, I was shocked at how people seem to lay the blame at my feet. I understand I was partially to blame, maybe even ¾ to blame but it blew me away how little of the counseling was aimed at her. Anyway more on that later….

Since then we met another couple at my son's school (I'll call them Tom & Kate). Our children really hit it off so we joined their soccer team & suddenly we were spending a lot of time together. Tom helped me put up a playground set & Kate helped my wife with stuff around the house. I helped Tom with his computers & taught Kate some guitar lessons.

Tom works at home & actually spends most of his time cleaning his pool. He brings his son over (when I'm not there) & calls my house frequently (supposedly just to complain about Kate or to check on the kids). I frequently see his phone # on our caller ID & my wife insists it’s OK & that most of the time it’s not him, but Kate calling from their house. Kate is a very attractive woman who most men would love to be with.

To make a long story short (too late for that), we started drinking with Tom & Kate on a regular basis. One night, we got so drunk, Tom began kissing my wife & Kate began kissing me. I have been so attracted to Kate that I didn’t mind. My wife & Kate began kissing too. To be honest I had always fantasized about this since I was old enough to fantasize but never expected it to happen.

Since that night, we’ve met like that almost weekly. But my wife & I are starting to fight continually. There are lots of details (but I’m not sure I should post them!) & I know this sounds like a XXX movie but I really need help here.

For the most part my wife doesn’t seem jealous. I don’t know if she really even cares that much! But I don’t know if that because my wife has already had affair with Tom & she wants me to go for it to ease her conscience. Or is it that my wife wants Kate? I’ve asked her about it but she insists she hasn’t had an affair with Tom & doesn’t want Kate, she just likes the freedom & pleasure of what we are doing.

Kate has started calling me at work & said she wants to have an affair. I want to be with Kate so bad but I don’t want to trade her for my wife. But I also feel like if I am with Kate that my wife may even condone it to relieve her guilt. I don’t know what to do. My heart is telling me to stay true to my wife regardless of what she’s done but other parts of my body are telling me I’m an idiot. My wife has been treating me like a jerk for the last 2 years so why should I stop something that makes me feel good?

There’s more going on but I know this has been long & suspect it may even be removed from the forum due to the content. Please help!

Your post is a LOT shorter than many. Lay as many facts out as you can so the pros out here might be able to help you. Also, a few words about what you want to do is order. BTW, if you want validation that having an affair is okay in your situation, you're not going to get that here.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. We hear stories like yours from time to time. The participants end up divorced.

The first thing I would do is consider whether you want to swing or work on your marriage.

Sounds like a great foundation to a marriage...especially with children involved. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Confused Texas 4some -

I hear fog talk in your post:




Could this be your way of rewriting history to make yourself feel better about what you are doing... or thinking about doing?

What you are feeling now for Kate is the tingles of a new relationship (typically lasts for a few months in a new relationship). You are obviously not fullfilled with your current W and you like the fact that this attractive woman is chasing you. And this woman likes the chase...the fact that you are unsure only makes her want you more. I hope you understand that you are not the first person she's chased nor will you be the last.

I would be willing to bet that this couple has practice in this 'activity'.

In the end you will have to live with the decisions you make during this time. Right now you can walk away from this and save your marriage. Or you can elect to follow your 'tingles' and then watch your M fall apart down the road. How many success stories have you heard come out of situations like this?

I would suggest that you work on your relationship with your wife. Some factasies are better left as just that...a Fantasy and not a reality.

I hope that you listen to the folks on this board and make the right decision. I hope you can see through the fog of "but it feels so good". Those tingles are addictive. Once they are gone with Kate where will you turn for your fix?

I apologize for not responding quickly. You all have been so helpful. I've really been thinking about what you've said. Even the harsher stuff keeps ringing in my brain. I do NOT expect any sympathy. As one who has been cheated on, I can't even imagine that I'm considering the same thing years later. I think I'm being testing but I don't feel like I can resist the temptation.

It feels so good being appreciated & my wife doesn't seem to care half the time so it seems harmless but I guess I'm just justifying it.

You're definately right about being in a fog. As sad as it is, I'm totally confused but your responses have helped.

BrokenheartedTexan,

I will tell you to keep reading the stories here about what's it's like to be a WS reeling from an A that hurts everyone (children, in-laws, etc) because you still have the choice at this point to say NO. It will be hard, but I don't think you want to go through more pain & trials because you didn't have self-control.

I say this because after finding out about my FWH & his many entanglements, I wanted to leave him, to find someone else, to move on. I didn't want to love him anymore. Well, within a week of D-day #1, a man began showing interest in me (or rather I noticed him looking at me) & I didn't stop him or ignore him. I gave him signals too. BTW-this is at church of all places. Thank goodness for that as both of us hear sermons that make us stop or step back, but then, a few weeks will go by & it starts again. Now, it's been months & I'm fighting the urge to move forward with it. He's married with 2 children & I keep focusing on how I will ruin their lives - I will make his W feel like I do now (and she seems like a very nice woman), I will probably end up alone & divorced when this man gets out of the fog & he'll hate me for what happened and my H will hate me too. Plus, let's remember that God is watching so what will I end up losing eternally if I were to do that. I have to come here daily to get strength & I have to pray. I've been completely honest with my FWH about my feelings and actions(following the Policy of Radical Honesty) which includes eyeing each other during the service, I've driven by his house, he's worked to meet me (we didn't know each other so he introduced himself), etc. It's not gone anywhere in the physical arena, but mentally is another story for me. Then, I ended up convicted at church about to cry realizing I'm trapped in this pain & what I really need to do is focus on it & work to heal it. But, instead, I would like a distraction to make me feel good. But, that is not the answer - I've went through all the senarios & it WILL not end well. That's what you need to do. Also, I look at this man & how he is treating his wife & think "do I want to be in her shoes?" NO!

How does this end if you do this? Divorce? You in love with OW & she doesn't want you? AT this point your W may not seem to care, but this could change once you do it. And if she doesn't, is she going to want to leave you for OM? Is this going to become a way of life - distractions from working on your M? I think that WS's fail to look at how it will end - AND IT WILL - which is why they end up in so much pain & torment as a result. Some are suicidal, depressed, ashamed, etc. Where will you be? If you already have problems with it, it is likely that this will affect your emotional state even more.

I hope you make the right choice as EVERYTHING in your life will change due to this ONE choice - remember that.

The fact that you're a Christian should be the first kick in the face towards your wanting to have an affair. Let me ask you, how hard will it be for you to convince your kids down the line that Christ cares for them and wants them to have life more abundantly if he can't even keep their mother and father together?

Would you be proud of your Christian children if you ever found out they were swinging or having an affair with other people while THEIR kids are still in the house?

I understand that it's mostly the fog talking, but let me tell you, you need to wake up real quick because the witness you and your wife are presenting to your kids about the Christ you profess to believe in is utter garbage. Trust me, I've been there.

You said, "My wife has been treating me like a jerk for the last 2 years so why should I stop something that makes me feel good?"

Has Christ ever treated you like a jerk? What gives you the right to sin because someone else in your life has?



FN

It doesn't. I asked a friend at church (who has gone through a similar thing with her FWH) why should I stay, forgive, work on the M. I said my FWH doesn't deserve it. She said "He doesn't, you're right, but you owe it to God".

Those are hard words, but true. I have to do what is right regardless of what he did. The same is true for BrokenHeartedTexan. He needs to do what is right in spite of what his wife is doing or wants him to do.