my wife had an online affair for several months. When I found out, I confronted her then him. I told him to back off and repsect my marriage. My wife couldn't let him go for whatever reason. At first, when I found out about them, she told me she was "confused" because she was in love with him (as well as me), questioning why God would send her someone and put her in this position. I still can't believe she blamed her mistake on God, btw. Now she says she doesn't love him, but wants to keep him as a "friend". I said no, of course. She asked that I leave him alone and let her end it herself, but it isn't happening fast enough for me. I told her I wanted her to write him a letter telling him what she has told me- that she doesn't love him and wants our marriage to work, but her initial reaction was refusal, saying that she would just simply stop talking to him. Not good enough for me- I want that door closed. My ? is this- the whole time she has been chatting with him as a "friend" I have seen all of their chats- either because I am there with her or she shows me, and he thinks this is all going on behind my back. Should I break my promise and tell him I know what's going on and tell him it's over? I know she'd get pissed, but she'd get over it eventually.

What EXACTLY was your "promise" ???

Romeo,

I've heard all the same things that you describe. "We're just friends"; "I'm not going to let this ruin our marriage"; "I will stop talking to him"; "I'm confused, and need space"; etc.

What she was actually doing was fence sitting and cake eating. She wanted both and eventually admitted this to me. I also said "NO". She would not write a NC letter, and was furious when I talked to him (3 times). She said many times that letting him go meant letting a friend go, and she couldn't do that. Instead, she let our marriage go and we are waiting on the D to finalize. BE VERY CAREUL!

IMHO, you may not know of all the contact between them.

Take care of yourself and my prayers are with you.

Tired41

my promise was to let her end it and to refrain from contacting him

thanks for the advice and I am sorry about your experience. I guess I am lucky because I know the contact has been limited to the internet. There has been no physical contact and no phone contact whatsoever. This person filled a void that was created when we moved to a new city and I had to take a third shift job. Until then, we had gone to bed together almost every night for six years. My wife was afraid to be alone and this person became her "security" because he was "there" (on line, of course) every night. I'm looking at it as a best case scenario(if there is such a thing here) because there was no other contact and the emotional attachment was made to fill a void.

Why would this break your promise, romeo? Did you put a time limit on her ending it? If not, I don't see the broken promise.

However, her taking on the no contact letter, with your approval, will be far more potent, don't you think?

You can renegotiate if you didn't set a time limit. Something you both agree on would be great. Not you needing it sooner and sacrificing that need to her longer time so that she doesn't renege on the promise herself.

Are you telling her how it feels to be betrayed? How it feels when she has contact? Use "I feel" and "I believe" statements. This builds the intimacy that has been lost, helps to repair the disconnection.

Do not count on him stopping contact because you inform him you know. Like a drug, affair partners make no sense. It is great that your WS realizes she isn't in love. But he is meeting some of her most important emotional needs and that is difficult to let go.

Have you done the EN questionnaires and found where you haven't been meeting her needs? You have the advantage--you're real life. Meeting those needs are far more potent and he doesn't stand a chance.

Plan A to end an affair, romeo.

We're with you.

LA

Romeo, if he knows she is married and knows you don't want them communicating, then what makes you think he would stop if you contacted him?

If I could see any value in contacting him, I would tell you to contact him, but I can see none! Can you? Because you should never keep a bad promise. There is nothing wrong in breaking a bad promise.

I think you have better opportunities to bust up this affair such as exposure. I would expose the affair to her family and check and see if the OM is married. He may very well be married and you should find that out. Exposure is ruinous to affairs and that is an essential part of Plan A.

If you started making phone calls to the OM's wife, parents, etc, I bet he would quickly drop your wife.

Who is this OM?

p.s. how do you know they have never met or spoken on the phone? I find that very hard to believe.

Cancel your internet provider...

see what happends next

Your wife is involved in an emotional affair. If you don’t break it up, there’s every possibility it can evolve into a physical affair. Don’t count on distance saving you from having to deal with that because he might travel to your city on any pretext. BTW, if you know the OM, is he married himself?

The short answer is you need to expose the affair because she has not ended it. Take a quick look at the basics of Dr. Harley's guidelines and you'll find that total non-contact is the only way to go. If you’re just starting out here, you should read “WAT’s Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses" thread on the "Just Found Out" forum.

As far as the promise to leave the other man alone, let me quote some advice from Melodylane, "the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping it." It’s not likely he will just quit because you tell him to anyway.

When you’re ready to expose the affair to the daylight and kill it, this thread may be of use:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


Finally, you and your wife can benefit by reading the book Not “Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. The subject is self-explanatory and the book specifically addresses Internet affairs. Check half.com before buying from Barnes and Noble.

Pep,

YOU ARE A VERY SMART WOMAN, a little devious at times, BUT VERY VERY VERY SMART.

Romeo,

Listen to Melody and Pep, two of the best on MB!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Like I said, I am very lucky because I know there has been no contact like that. He is in Canada, and she has not been away on any trips, etc. There has been no phone contact- I checked the phone bills. I have no doubt the internet has been the only contact, as he has described my wife as having an "athletic" body... don't get me wrong, my wife is gorgeous, but no one will ever mistake her for being athletic... that was HER description and older pics she sent to him. To my knowledge, she has never seen a pic of him- she mentioned that she "thought" she saw one on his profile when they first chatted. That one may be hard to swallow, but I have yet to see a pic or any mention of one, and I have seen all of their chats since November. This is what makes it so perplexing, but hopeful for me I guess... I am feeling like all this guy did was fill an emotional void left by our opposite schedules... I just have to figure out how to reestablish myself in that role, and i think the first step is to stop being so angry and embarrassed about this whole ordeal.

Good luck. Hope everything works out for you.

Thank you. I just keep telling myself it could've been alot worse, and maybe this was a wake up call because we started to take each other for granted. It's just tough now because we've been fighting alot since I found out, and I have been making it easier for her to seek refuge on the internet because of my hurt and frustration/anger. I didn't have to force her to be comitted to me before, and I can't take that approach now. It's hard thinking rationally when I'm so hurt. This board has really helped alot... thanks guys!