It's been a little over a year since I discovered my husbands affair (i'm new so please forgive me if i don't use the acronyms). I have been an emotional reck, and I'm sure many of you can relate to my story. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old son. So brace yourselves here’s the “short story.”

My husband had an affair with an ex-coworker of his. He moved out of the house before I actually found out about his affair. His reason for moving out was because he believed we were arguing all the time. I knew deep down in my gut that there was more to it because he went as far as to move out. One day he came over to the house to visit with our son. He dropped his coat on the floor and as I picked up his coat a hotel receipt fell out of the pocket. I confronted him and asked him why he went to the hotel. He then gave me a sorry excuse and a few day’s later I received a phone call from the other woman's husband. Then the whirlwind of emotions began. At first I was in such denial about his affair. Then depression came on because of the betrayal and rejection from him. I found myself desperate, I quickly forgave him for the affair and I made a plea for him to come back home and work things out with me. After 4 months of my plea, he told me that he was ending it with the other woman, and had agreed to come back home. Once he was back at home he still acted very strange. Of course my gut feeling was telling me he was most-likely still involved with this woman….I was right. During the time he had been back at home he had been caught several times having some sort of contact with her whether by email, or phone calls. I started to become frustrated lie after lie. I then finally filed for divorce. I felt as though he wasn’t going to change his addiction with this woman, and the lies would continue. Once I filed for divorce he began behaving differently. He was paying attention and spending time with me, and told me that his involvement with the other woman was now over. We started to go to couples counseling and little by little I started to believe that he was beginning to change so I asked the court for an extension on my request for divorce. BUT then another bomb landed on my lap. Through a friend I discovered just last week (for the 7th time) that my husband was still in contact with the other woman. I of course exploded. I told him that his multiple lies was enough to make me go coo-coo, this whole ordeal was unhealthy for me, and that I thought it would be best for me to move on without him. He again begged and pleaded with me telling me that his involvement with her this time was not romantically. His explanation was: he had been talking to her here and there, he wasn’t as involved as before; he was trying to break it off with her slowly because she had become obsessive, and had threatened him several times; When he tried to explain that he was working on rebuilding his marriage with me she told him that if he left her she would screw up his life. The following day the other woman called me. I guess she thought she was doing me a favor by telling me that she and he had been romantically involved with my husband. What also struck my funny was that she was giving me intimate details of their relationship. Also, she asked me about were I stood now with my husband…I of course told her it was none of her business and she got a little upset with me.

Since then my husband has changed his phone number, cancelled out his email, sent an email to the other woman (coping me on the email) saying that he had made a big mistake and that his intentions are to work on his marriage because he loves me. He also told me that he will be an open book to me.

So now….here I am trying to gather myself and figure what should be my next step. Honestly, I am playing a tug a war with my feelings because I am not sure what to think or who to believe. All of you that have been there done that, can you please share with me your experiences and give me feedback?

I wonder if he has found this site. We always advise them to send a no contact letter and say the same thing he said.

Anyway, lots of people here are going through the same things. Stick around and read everything you can here.

Thanks Believer! My husband does know about this site. However, I don't believe he visits it often. Excuse my ignorance but what do you mean when you say:
"We always advise them to send a no contact letter and say the same thing he said."

H4D

My question to the BS and/or the WWS, do I have my head buried in the sand?

I caught my husband having contact with the OW a little over a week ago (this is the 7th time!) and he is telling me (yet again) that he has ended it with her - this time forsure. I have been so badly hurt by his 1.5 year affair and his credibility is at minus zero. I don't believe he's telling me the truth, but there is a part of me that really wants to believe what he is saying is true this time! He told me that his involvement with her for the last several months was in no way a physical one (unlike in the beginning of their affair). He tells me that he only would talk to her on the phone/email. He gave me access to his cell phone bill and the amount of calls to her were excess on a day to day basis, he would call her morning, noon, evening and very late night. HELP!!!!

Well, what I meant was his no contact email said exactly what we advise people to say. It sounded like he had been to this site.

But anyway, the problem now is that every time your husband has more contact, you will start losing your love for him. That is what happened to me. He lied so much and for so long that I have no feelings for him and can hardly wait until the divorce is final.

Did you notify the other woman's husband that they have remained in contact?

Believer,

Thanks for your response and clarification on the "no contact" letter.

In a weird way I hate to admit this but because of the multiple lies I am beginning to feel as if I am better off without my husband...if I haven't lost all my love for him I am definetly losing respect.

The OW and her husband are in the process of divorcing. Also, the last time I spoke to the OW husband he mentioned that he had moved on.

H4D,

You think it has been a year and might be charting your recovery based on that...but it starts over with each contact. I know it is really tough, my heart feels your pain, fresh, but you are one week into recovery. This time, the 7th, may be the real one.

"Since then my husband has changed his phone number, cancelled out his email, sent an email to the other woman (coping me on the email) saying that he had made a big mistake and that his intentions are to work on his marriage because he loves me. He also told me that he will be an open book to me."

Did he do this before? Did he take all these actions, or just promise and then fail them? Or is this new? Then get your emotions into the present...you're feeling a year's pain at one time. That's a lot to ask of a human, isn't it?

You're still in counseling...do you bring up your thoughts and feelings? Your fear of not trusting (your choice, his to earn)? Did you make conditions on staying and rebuilding instead of divorcing? Might include, any contact (initiated by OW) needs to be told to you immediately, within minutes? Other steps to be open book? Changing your home phone to prevent her from calling again?

These steps build trust...and not in a week's time. Has your H said why he had the A? Have you guys done the EN questionnaires and Lovebusters? Give him all the guides back to you, your heart and the marriage. Work with him and then decide--pick a time limit. I picked two years. You have the option of divorce later as well as now. Why choose when you're essentially one-week away from DDay?

"In a weird way I hate to admit this but because of the multiple lies I am beginning to feel as if I am better off without my husband...if I haven't lost all my love for him I am definetly losing respect."

Find out if you are looking for justification to leave him without feeling guilty--building your case. If so, please knock it all down...you already have justification. BS can decide they can't rebuild and leave. Your right. End of story. If that's what you decide, please do it. No reasoning why...trust, lies, respect. The very act of an A gives you that right.

If you're unsure, undecided, maybe you're looking for a reason to stay and only seeing why not to do that. Is it for your protection? Do you think you will end your pain? Are these reasonable beliefs?

If you're sure you want to stay, then find those reasons, too. Was your H a liar pre-A? Did he regularly deceive you? What was your part in the environment of the marriage pre-A? If you feel like you've lost all love, do you believe you won't fall in love again with him? If not, why? Do you believe like your trust, your H could earn back your respect?

Last but very important...better off...you'd be better off how? Do you think your H is defective and someone else wouldn't do this? Do you believe you're wiser and could head it off? If you believe someone else is the cure, then you're in the same mindset your H was when he chose to have an affair. That's just a belief of mine. I wouldn't make decisions based on that perspective.

LA

LA,

Thanks for your thoughtful words and willingness to read/respond to my post.

Before my husband would refuse to change his cell phone, cancel out his email etc. so this behavior is new. Last May (2005) I found out (this was the 6th time) that he was still in contact with the OW after telling me it was over with her. I needed answers and called her to ask her what he had been telling her (HA...like I was going to get the full truth...yea right!) But she told me that they were actively seeing eachother, and he had told her he was trying to break it off with me. I filled for divorce in June 2005. I basically thought that he had choosen her over me. Once I filled for divorce he was being very attentive towards me. He told me that he was no longer seeing the OW. He then asked me to go to couples counceling, and we did. I then asked the court to suspend my request for divorce - so that I could give it another shot. Then, like you know, a few weeks ago I discovered he had never really broken it off with her since the time I discoverd it back in May.

I don't believe I am looking for justification to leave my husband. I know that the act of him having an affair is justification enough. I DO think that I am having a hard time letting go because of the love I have of our little family. The dreams I had with this man was my happiness. We were going to buy a home together, we were planning on having more kids...etc.

My husband cheated on before we got married (hello!) but I thought that if I shared his last name he would never do that to me again. Then when we had our son, I thought forsure, forsure he would never cheat on me again....also I thought I could change him....WRONG!! Of course now I've learned.

I'm sorry. When I said that I would be "better off" without him I didn't mean that in an arrogant way. I just meant that all of this anxiety, pain, pressure and feeling in limbo would go away. I don't believe that my husband is defective, but there are some issues that he needs to work out for himself inorder for him not to do this again. I also don't believe finding someone else is the cure. I am learning from this experience, and I definetely recognize me faults.

-h4d

Have you tried Plan B? a full plan B....

JE -

I don't believe I ever tried a Plan B. Is it too late to start that now especially since he is finally being a somewhat "open book" to me? The request's I always had for him each time he would tell me that it was over between him and the OW would be: 1) show me his cell phone bill (which he is doing now), 2) change his cell phone number (which he has just done), 3) cancel the email address he had that he and her would use to communicate (I know that one particular email address has been cancelled - but I'm not positive he doesn't have any others), and tell him to tell her it was over between them in front of me (which in a round about way he sort of did this in an email this last time he said it was over).

Another question. Now that I discovered his contact this last time with the OW, I have learned he had become really clever in keeping this a secret from me for so long (since May 2005). Would it be too much to ask him for his cell phone password to retrieve his voicemail? I don't care to listen to his messages from his friends, but I just want to make sure that he is not getting messages from the OW....I'm not sure if he will agree to doing this though…and what if he doesn’t because he thinks that's going way too far...help!

Gosh, I hate to be pessimistic, but the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior. I think your husband has issues. I would be really careful.

Is it normal for the BS to want to talk about the affair? Isn't it apart of healing? I think my WWH is getting a little annoyed with me because we talk about his recent EA almost everyday. Can some of you WWS please comment.

If the other woman's husband has indeed moved on, this could explain why she called you - to see where your marriage is headed because now she has no where to turn except to your H. Your H may have told her that you're divorcing - true based on your filing for divorce - and she's checking up on him.

Suggest to your H that he come here and convince us that he's sincere. We know how to tell.


Don't bring it up everyday. It's normal for you to want to talk about it maybe because it's still nebulous to you and recovery isn't solid. It's normal for other BSs NOT to want to talk about it, because, well, they don't want to talk about.

Recent EA? Another woman?

I was wondering if the reason your husband wants to talk of the A is way for him to get a "quick fix" of the OW. Usually tthey don't want to relive the experience, it's natrual for BS to want to talk about it to find out what we "were doing wrong".
But personally your husband has now had 2 affairs during your relationship/marriage, kind of sounds like a pattern.
You are not wrong in feeling better off without him, as this is the whole idea of plan B. You get to work on yourself without all the drama and crap.
Good luck

Your husband since this last discovery has done a lot of great things.....

is he willing to go to counseling...and do the work...

you have a WS offering a lot more than some here...

what do you have to lose giving it a try...

is this the same OW>.
and is she the one that just recently contacted you...
does hers and his story match about the contact..

ARK

Thanks for your reply Ark!

You are right when you say that my husband has done a lot of great (long, long over due) things. The challenge for him now is staying consistant with his promises. He is also having a hard time being patient with me during this time of healing (i guess recovery?) He gets easily frustrated because he says he's telling me the truth now, and I still have a hard time believeing his words.

My husband is willing to go to couples counseling...he and I were going even during the time he was continuing with his affair. As far as if my husband is willing to do "the work," I'm not confident he's totally up for the task. One thing my husband said is he doesn't feel as if he should have to "pay" for his affair for the rest of his life - which he's right to some degree, but I feel that he's expecting me to get over this mess (and being upset/hurt)quickly.

When you asked "what I have to lose giving it a try?" I guess the only thing I keep losing is myself. Giving my husband chance after chance to make it right with us, I kept losing a little bit of me (my selfrespect, self esteem, dignity etc).

Yes, this OW is the same one that just recently called me.

No, their stories DO NOT match. When she called me she told me that they were intimate, he would spend the night at her house, see eachother, etc. He told me that they would only talk on the phone/email, and that their relationship this time was not physical like before. So what's really scary is that my husband gave me access to his cell phone bill and the amount of calls to her in one day were VERY EXCESSIVE! He would call her before work, during work, at lunch time, after work, evening, and very late night... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just curious as to what others on this forum have experienced...
- Who's story do you believe, or did you believe when the versions did not match? The OW called me and told me that her and my husband were intimate, he would spend the night at her house, they would see eachother, etc. My husband told me that they would only talk on the phone/email, and that their relationship this time around was not physical, but that they talked alot on the phone.