Just an update on where we are. Last week I faltered again and created a problem. I let myself get influenced by two posts. One on this site and a second post on another site and I decided that my WW was not committed to R. Those two posts hit me from two different slants at the exact same time. I was tired of counting my money each night so she could not buy phone cards and it was just time for each of us to move on with our separate lives. I hate that I cannot trust her with money even to buy milk. The funny thing is, she seems to like the fact that she has not a penny on her and that I keep her from calling.

As a result of my funk, I started looking for a full-time maid and I set a date for WW to leave. That night we did not say much to each other. I think she may have felt I was just mad about something and the next day she tried to make some overtures to me but I kept it up. I had really made up my mind it was time to quit. After about three days of this I finally realized I was wrong. All the other times we had reached this crisis stage, it had been the result of finding her making contact with the OM. On this particular occasion, she had apparently not made contact in over a week.

This was the first time I had really been inconsistent and I think this created confusion in her mind. We are almost out of it and I will do my best to apologize to her today for having been inconsistent.

I also ask that lemonman PLEASE never post anything to me ever again. I am sure his advice has its merits in certain contexts but it is not useful to me for recovery of my marriage.

The last few days has been great again and yesterday was especially good.

Anyway, I am canceling the fulltime maid. For me to get the maid, sends the message to WW that I am preparing for her to leave. I prefer she gets the message that I am preparing for her to stay.

I think I have to be very careful at the moment to remain consistent and not let her doubt that I am committed to the marriage. If she doubts my intention, I think it will create doubt for her as well and hinder chance for recovery.

Good luck...hey, even if...don't get a maid. I've been dealing with this stuff fo now 2 years....doing my own laundry,cooking and house work is only going to make you a better man/husband. Plus, being busy keeps us all from too much thinking. Cheers.

It is not a case that I don't want to do housework. My work hours will preclude me from getting my children to school, making them lunch, getting them back to school after lunch and being home when they get home from school. It is simply a problem of logistics that the maid would solve. They are readily available here and the going rate is about $533 USD per month at the current exchange rate. My work hours and the school hours are such that there are about two hours a day that I cannot be here for my daughters. The schools require that children go home for lunch so that doesn't help.

I think it is the message. If I hire the maid now, I believe it tells my WW that I have decided the M will not work. I think it is the wrong signal at this point. I guess I was initially concerned that it might take a significant amount of time to get a maid so I wanted the contingency in place. Now I believe if I shake a tree, about 300 maids will fall out looking for the work.

Sounds good. Lemonman is fairly predictable in his advice. He gave his wife a second chance and she screwed him again.

You are doing well, just keep it up. It is better to develop a plan and stick to it, instead of changing from week to week.

Thank you, believer. I know that. I wonder why I have to continue to be reminded?

In our last conversation on the subject I asked my WW what she really wanted. Did she want to go or stay? She kept silent. After about 30 seconds, I told her I would start. I would tell her what I wanted. I told her that if I had a choice, I would want her to stay and I would want to rebuild the marriage and be a happy couple and happy family again. That was my preference. I also told her that I was fully prepared psychologically for her to go if that was her choice. It was not what I wanted but I was ready to accept it. I told her that I knew I could look myself in the mirror knowing I had done everything I could to save the M and that some day, in a few years, I would be able to tell my DD's that I had done my very best but Mommy had decided she needed to abandon them for reasons only she would be able to explain to them. My conscience was clear.

At the end of it all, her answer was that she did not want to leave the girls. She did say she wanted her life back. She says she is afraid to go out of the house alone for fear I will call and wonder why she is not there. I reminded her that I don't call. I told her that trust was a non-issue at the moment because I knew I could not trust her. I didn't create that situation. If our M was going to survive and thrive, it was not going to happen all by itself. It would take a lot of effort from BOTH of us. I was willing as long as she was willing but I refused to do it alone.

I think it was wrong of me to create the confrontation. As I said, a couple of things just hit me at exactly the wrong time. I do think it is good that she understands better my position but probably not worth the price. We never talk about us, the A, etc. I am not sure that we should. None of that bothers me any more. She is still in IC and I want to give that time. She saw the psychiatrist last week but apparently that was a total flop.

More than anything else I just wanted to update my sitch because so many of you are giving me so much support and help that I really need.

traicionado,

You can ignore any user by going to the user's profile and click "Ignore this User". You will never see another post from their user. Unfortunately, I had to do this with a user early in my MB tenure.

I am keen on integrity these days. My definition of integrity is alignment of words and actions. You are logical ergo you analyze your WW and your situation. Don't loose sight of what she is doing: she is staying put. Regardless of your analysis, her past behavior and maybe her confusing words sometimes, her actions seem clear, at least to this point: she is staying with her family. Don’t try to think too far ahead. Take it day to day. She is still with you. The OM is miles away. Count your blessings.

It is difficult to manage the Plan A process especially when you are the only one doing so. You are doing a fine job. I have high hopes for your M.

And hey, if I run into the guy that wrote the other post that threw you, I’ll give him a piece of my mind, OK?

ToddAC,

Thanks for pointing out the obvious because clearly I am too blind to see it. I am glad somebody else can. I am very full because I had quite a lot of crow for lunch. I apologized to WW and said she had done nothing to warrant my last outburst. I told her the maid was canceled and we were full speed ahead with the chauffeur. I had no need to hire the maid because she has yet to give me any indication she is leaving. If she does decide to go, I just asked that she stay long enough to sort out the maid. I reminded her that I still loved her and told her what I did was a knee-jerk reaction and uncalled for. She hugged me, kissed me and then we made lunch (I had chicken to go along with my crow). The agreed upon intent of the chauffeur was so that she and I could get away more just the two of us and get to Bahrain at least once a week for dates. The chauffeur is only truly of value if she stays.

Thanks also for the tip because I will block that poster now that you explained how.

Hope you got my emails this AM. My P4 is only firing on three pins today. I have cables strung everywhere. I will have to open the box later. Right now I have to power down because I need the extension cable.

Crow is good for you. Lowers cholesterol, is fat free and if consumed every now and then keeps you grounded and humble.

I am extremely happy for you for asking your wife’s forgiveness regarding your last argument. I’ve told you this before: having the last word or being right all the time is not important. Getting back and creating a good marriage is important. The old “winning the war is important – not winning every battle along the way”.

We tend to see the WS as an enemy. I like to differentiate between the W and the WW. To break out of the WW the W has to acknowledge so much pain and blame caused by the WW. For you to come forth and acknowledge in a humble way that you caused pain shows her a path: Although the affair is 100% her blame the situation your marriage is in is both your fault. You showing a way to acknowledge fault and working on ways out is a major plus.

traicionado,

I received your email. I read it three times and decided I need a break before responding. I am in a funk today. Besides I have another issue on my plate this morning keeping me busy.

BTW, you are replacing Bigger as the 2x4 Master.

And to think I rewrote that three times to soften the blow. There was one thing I did want to add since you seem so focused on statistics. There is one statistic that never ceases to amaze me. Do you know that statistics show that 100% of all car-train accidents involve automobiles? The numbers are there to back it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry - just couldn't resist and don't have time for an email at the moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Bigger,

Regarding your comment about working through the issues in the marriage that lead to this: somebody tried to give me a lame sports analogy yesterday as a metaphor for what I am going through. I estimate that I am somewhere between Saint-Méen-le-Grand and Lorient. I don't even have the Pyrenees in sight yet but I do know they are waiting for me and won't be going anywhere until I get there.

No, do not soften the blow. I will grow only through challenge.

Since I am still thinking about Steve Martin, I did finally get my computer problem sorted out. It was shutting down for no apparent reason. Sometimes it would boot and start to load Messenger and then just shut down. Other times it shut down after only a few seconds. I decided that maybe it was thermal. Maybe the power supply was bad or an internal fan was not working. I did not want to live through the weekend without my PC in case I had another crisis. Wednesday night I loaded up my PC into a taxi and rode into Khobar to the shop where I bought it. They hooked it up and let it run for about an hour and it never would shut down. They took it apart and checked everything and still no shutdown. Nothing they did could repeat my problem. I was not entirely satisfied because my house is 120V power but the shop is 220V. They had to flip the switch on the power supply to run the PC and I thought maybe the problem was on the 120V side.

Steve martin commented once that his stereo turntable just did not quite sound right. He decided to exchange it for a quadraphonic system and it still just did not quite have the sound he had been used to. So he traded that in for an octaphonic stereo (8 speakers). Same problem. He traded that in for a hexadecaphonic stereo and still no improvement in sound. He kept on upgrading and upgrading until he ended up with a googliaphonic stereo which is one speaker short of infinity. The sound was still just not right. Then he decided – hmmm, maybe it was the needle..…?

Well when I got home I checked all the fans, replaced the power supply, did everything I could. Same problem with shutdowns! Then I thought – hmmm, maybe it was the power cord…..?