Note: Copy & pasted from After D board.

My DD13 (will be 14 in a week) completely understands the fog concept and knows that her Mom remains heavy in the fog. She has recently been asking me more questions about foggy behavior and I do not know the answers - so I'm reaching out here.

For those who don't know the sitch - here is the short-version: Sometime in late '03, her Mom began A w/married family friend. WXW was heavy in fog, full of alien telling anyone who would listen how unhappy she was w/our M for 10+ years. We had "normal" disagreements however nothing that seemed serious until A began. We also had marvelous vacations with DD's and WXW and I spent much time w/DD13 and DD20 (recently married.) DD20 is WXW's step-D, however they were very close - more like birth-mom & daughter. We separated for good in 05/04 and divorced in 11/04. DD13 had a delayed reaction to D and fell hard in Spring '05. DD13 has been seeing an excellent counselor/psychologist for a year now and is finally turning the corner.

[Addendum for clarification]: DD13 came to me about a year ago (months after D) - crying - and said: "My mom is not my mom anymore". You could've knocked me over with a feather when she said this! It was like someone hit me in the stomach with a bowling ball. After hugging her and getting her calmed down; I asked her what she meant. (Of course I already knew what she meant, however I felt it important that she verbalize it.) She shared her thoughts w/me and her description of her mom's actions was classic-fog. So I then explained the concept of "the fog" without discussing mom's A, OM etc. (DD13 and I enjoy a great relationship and I'm pleased that she talks to me about her feelings/thoughts, etc.) So basically, DD13 knows about "the fog" concept w/o need for the details surrounding A and prefers to say her mom is "in the fog" rather than saying "mom is having an A with OM...".


Back to present: WXW still seeing OM who remains married however not living w/wife. OM still "sees" his W and also WXW; however WXW doesn't know that OM still seeing his W. OM and WXW attend church together and DD13 is forced to go with them during "her" week. Also; OM & WXW will only go out (dinner, movie, etc.) in a town 25 miles away and again - WXW forces DD13 to go.

BTW: WXW has cut off all ties to my family (including DD20).

DD13 frequently says: "I wish my real-mom would come back". She's also been asking questions like: "How long does the fog last", "will she stay in it forever?" and so on & so on.

So I'm deferring to all of you for suggestions on how I can answer these questions:

1) How long does the fog normally last?
2) Are there many cases where the fog stays for the rest of WS's life?

Thanks.

FR

bump

FR,

I would like to see these questions answered myself. My WW is in an EA and the fog prevents us from moving forward. She tells me she needs time but how long are we talking about?

C-

FR,

U have an intelligent daughter. Let her know the fog doesn't have a timeframe, but like any other bad habit, the longer it stays the harder it is to end or fix. Then ask her, will her mom's head ever clear? Tell her you can't predicte but you can offer to help her have a POV that is healthy for your DD13.

Refocus her away from feeling the need to 'fix' her mom (very BS like, eh?).....to a plan A of sorts. She may want to go to plan B when she gets older if she disapproves of her visits while the OM is around. That will put the WS in a quandry, one that could reach through the fog and slap her (WS) silly.

JMHO,
L.

Your WW’s licentious conduct has driven home the law of unintended consequences to your DD. There are no sadder victims of infidelity than children.

Now, what are you doing to end your WW’s affair?

Have you exposed?

Have you insisted on NC?

You have to step up to the plate for you and for your DD. No one else will do it.

If behavior has no cost, it will continue. Expose to the world, but never forget that exposure is not about revenge; it’s sole purpose is to bring an end to the affair.

Discuss with your WW what she needs to do to continue to live in the family home with you and DD. She needs to undertand that infidelity from this point forward has a cost. If she is willing to pay that cost, there is nothing you could have done to save her.

Good luck.

Hey FR,

How r u and your daughter doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Todd: I've gone on record in voicing the collateral damage done from infidelity & divorce. It's a sad; however very true reality.


Hi L: Thanks for chiming in here. What you're describing is basically what I've already done and continue doing. However it's a work in progress that seems to be ever-evolving. You're right though - DD is very intelligent. However emotionally, she is still quite young and all of this wears on her.


Unfortunately - she gets the "fixer" gene from me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Her attempts to fix (or rescue) her mom are issues that her counselor and I have been working together on w/her. In looking back; she has actually been doing a "Plan-A" of sorts - but it hasn't been working. As you know - there may be a substantial living arrangement change in her/our near-future which will greatly help DD. We'll see.

Thanks!

FR

So we've told you nothing you don't already know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Whatcha gonna do?

L.

L: Not exactly true. Prior to this - I had not associtaed Plan's A & B with DD's sitch. It makes sense though as DD also went and continues going through pains from A and D.



Wellll! Have "joint" meeting with mediator/parent coordinator this afternoon about living arrangement. This is the same meeting that WXW has cancelled twice now so we'll see what happens.

Take care.

FR