Well, my wife is having an affair. I'm sure this is not unusual to hear, but my situation is somewhat unusual for two reasons: the OP is my cousin (who lives in Europe); and my wife has been open with me about it since it started. We have a 3 1/2 year old son together and I'd very much like to keep the source of his security and world together. My wife has been very ambivalent about her options, but she seems to feel that it is a choice between her happiness (my cousin) and her fear of leaving, going through divorce etc. It has been going on for a little over a month now, and there have been a lot of ups and downs. I have done my best to understand where she is coming from, even if she's not interested due to being caught up in the fog. I have tried to reason with both my wife and my cousin and they are quick to dismiss my thoughts and opinions as rationalizations to further my agenda. I can't say I'm in any way surprised.
I have read a lot of what has been posted on the internet about the cause of affairs and the solutions and chances of resolution. I have decided to try and work on myself and let my wife figure this out on her own. The trouble with this approach is that though my wife has distanced herself considerably from me, we still talk and she still tells me about what is happening with them, and asks me for my opinions on the issue. I tell her what I think and then she gets angry with me for twisting things she has told me about to fit into my theory about why this is happening.
Overall, I think my wife and I have a solid foundation for our relationship, and we were both of the opinion that it was strong. The pressures of our life (financial, having a young child and little support, my wife's social anxiety disorder) have all played a role in this, and have put my wife into what she sees as a prison. She views the affair as a way out of the prison, and to be able to have a happy life. I know, and I keep trying to tell her that situations do not make you happy, but rather how you handle them do. It is not the situation that makes her unhappy, it's how we are acting in it. I know that if she throws in her lot with me, we can really do a lot with our life together, and I do want more than anything for her to be happy, and not put it off for the future with this guy that may never come.
She's of the opinion that she wants to find out whether they have a future together and that will decide whether she stays or leaves our marriage. I want her to be decisive and make a deliberate choice weighing everything involved (the heaviest weight is of course our son). I don't know how much longer I can take this insult, but I am committed to doing the right thing for my family and I refuse to turn my back on my wife. Any ideas about how I can apply pressure without pushing her further into his hands?

Your approach is wonderful. I love it. I think you're doing everything right. Perhaps give her a vision of what will happen if this continues, as you do have to provide for your son, physically and emotionally.

Muddle Through

Welcome to Marriage Builders (MB). I am sure a lot of wise folks will offer you advice but here goes:

You are asking your wife to employ logical thinking. You have to understand she is not thinking logically. If she were, she would not be having an affair right now. She is in la la land, her pheromones are flooding her system with well being from the affair, but she is not thinking.

She is honest about her continuing affair with the OP. This does not justify her actions at all. Have you exposed the affair to your entire family? Since he is your cousin, does his parents know? Is the OP married? Does his wife or significant other (SO) know that he is having an affair? Have you informed your in laws about your wife’s affair.

Next, plan A. Have you read up on this site about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is where you remind your spouse why they fell in love with you to begin with, and should not last more than a few months. Plan B is to protect yourself from further harm if the affair is still going on. Here are some links to begin reading from a long time expert here Worthatry or WAT.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Keep on reading as much as possible, and keep us updated on your situation.

NOMO

MT - what are the currnt living arrangements? Are you in Europe as well? How old are each of you, including the cousin? Who in the extended family on both sides knows what's going on?

Are you familiar with MB principles? Plan A? How many dog-eared pages are there in your copy of "Surviving An Affair"?

Thanks for the support and advice. To answer some questions, we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed. We live in New York, and my cousin and his GF of 10 years stayed with us twice since October. This started then with a drunken kiss one night that drove his GF mad (I didn't worry about it much because I thought there was too much preventing them from being together - distance and being family - and I trusted her to do the right thing), and during the second visit they confirmed their feelings for each other. Not too many people know about this - my MIL does, her best friend who stopped talking to her when she was told about the first kiss, and my good friend who has been incredibly supportive through this all. We are 28, and will have been married 4 years at the end of this month, and my cousin is 31.
I don't own the book, but have read excerpts from it on the internet. Through my research, intuition and, dare I say it, wisdom, I have come to understand the source of their feelings for each other through their respective situations to be "classic" symptoms of latent personal neediness and desiring to escape reality that lay fertile ground for an A. But, in the end my understanding of the situation is irrelivant, because, as NOMO stated, there is no room in their perception of the situation for logic when it comes to understanding their parts in it. So any time I say anything regarding my opinions, my wife views it as an attack on her. I have tried to make sure she knows that I am not the enemy - but I'm not sure that she is willing to believe that. She is fighting hard to prove to herself that she can leave me, by withdrawing emotionally from me, and even acting like I'm crazy when I tell her I love her, or give her a kiss when I get home from work.
I have been wrestling with the idea of telling family on both sides for a few reasons. One is that I don't want to "prove" to my wife that I am in fact the enemy. I also have some sympathy for my cousin, as strange as it may seem, because I do view this as a sort of mental illness that I hope he can make sense out of before he allows it to ruin his life. He and his GF have been, according to him, nearing the end of their relationship for some time. The 2 of them live in the same area as their friends from college, and they are a very close knit group. He knows he wants to end it with his GF in such a way as to remain friends, and so as not to destroy relationships with their mutual friends. I don't want to be responsible for doing this, but I have considered writing to my aunt and uncle. I would tell them that I am informing them out of my concern for him as well as my concern for my family, especially my son. I still don't know if this is a good idea. As for my WW's family, I am considering talking to her step mother, who happens to be a therapist (funny enough, so is my cousin's father) and I think she would be really understanding of all the implications, and I wouldn't worry that she would react to me or my WW irrationally. My concern is her father. They are very religious, and this would be painful for them to know about, especially for him. I'm sure that they would be a good influence for my wife, and it might even help my relationship with them because they would know I feel I can trust them. It all comes down to my wife's anger and response. She keeps telling me that she wants to find out if there is anything there - to find out what this is. But this involves seeing him again, which in my opinion can't help determine anything, but rather would involve physicality and would thicken the fog and increase the longing and desire. I am so torn between wanting this resolved and knowing that my wife would benefit significantly by resolving this herself and finding closure. I just don't see that happening any time soon.
I am somewhat familiar with these plans (A and b) and I am trying to work on the A part now. I have been utilizing positive thinking and I have gone through stages up until acceptance - and I think my mental status is very sound. I am confident in my understanding of the situation, and I actually really feel for my wife for the ****** she is going through weighing everything in her life for this. Again, thanks for all the support.

MT,

So you are saying is that you would rather protect peoples incorrect perceptions of your W, you, and your marriage, than protect your family, and yes your child. I think I have that about right? You have a long list of reasons NOT to tell, but the ONE compelling reason is that shining the light of day often breaks up affairs. Until the affair ends YOU have NO CHANCE to save your family.

I would also like to recommend that when she talks to you about her affair and OM (your cousin) that you refrain from saying what you feel. Validate that you have heard what she says be repeating it "If I have heard you correctly you are saying...." And close with "interesting" or some other no commital remark.

You are NOT going to educate her, and she will not listen to you. Read up on plan A, and plan B. They work in tandum, because plan A often does not lead to the end of the affair, but it does plant the seeds or recovery and rebuilding the marriage.

This is a long tough road, so be prepared to hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Thanks for your response. I know it sounds stupid the way I weigh out telling or not, but I keep looking for a way to allow my wife to do the right thing on her own. She has said before that she hates what this is doing to us, but that she's not yet ready to let the A go. I figure I'll give her another 2 weeks, without nagging or bugging her before I take any such action. I guess some of my motivation comes from the fact that our anniversary is in 2 weeks, and I've put a lot into plans to celebrate, and I'd rather her not be furious about something I've done. I do believe however, that it's the approach I'm going to have to take.
I have come to the realization too that I can't educate her. She finds a way to rationalize anything. Even when her friend told her that she couldn't understand where she was coming from with this and didn't approve, she was able to write her off as just not being a good friend. Anything to avoid taking responsibility for it. I can't tell you how many times I have kicked myself for talking about what I see. It just seems to fuel the fire. In fact, I'm sure she brings my opinions to him and together they deduce my "real" motivations for thinking this (i.e., manipulation, to make her feel bad, etc.). So for now I'm just hanging in there trying to be the best person I can be, overlooking the projected negativity she throws at me every once in a while, and trying to live in the moment.

Keep waiting.

In the meantime, she sucks the life out of you.

What you describe is classic stuff. An exception is that you have A LOT MORE exposure opportunities than most BSs.

Man, you can very, very likely end this thing real quick if you stop being a participant in the affair.

Huh?, you react! "Participant?"

Yep. You're helping yourself lose at least half custody of your child.

Forgive my harsh dose of reality, but that's what you're doing by not doing the surest, proven thing to ending an affair.

We know you hurt and we know how hard it is to make tough decisions in your shoes. Consider this 2X4 to be tough love from us strangers.

WAT

WAT

They will not figure it out on their own. I know that you can't believe this but your WW (and mine) are not who they were. I saw someone describe it as being abducted by aliens and their brains scrambled. This is not too far off. I don't even know my WW anymore. She is recognizable as long as she doesn't say or do anything. At that point I don't even know who she is. EXPOSE sooner than later and try and break up the A and its fantasy hold on her. She will be mad you can bet on it, mine was and is, but that is better than her still being in the middle of an active A. they told me that your marriage stands no chance as long as the A is going on and that most WS's are powerless to stop it on their own. Help her and help your marriage, EXPOSE.

Muddlethrough,

WAT is 100% correct. We all know how difficult this is, we have all lived through the trauma of our spouses affairs. Affairs are nasty little secrets that thrive in the cover of darkness, but wither away and die when exposed to the light.
____________________________________________________________
Muddlethrough:"She keeps telling me that she wants to find out if there is anything there - to find out what this is. But this involves seeing him again………….."
___________________________________________________________
You know WS would say anything to justify and defend their affairs, to see the OP one more time. Seeing him one more time will inflame the affair to greater heights. Of course you cannot stop her from seeing him, but you should not condone it either. You must make it very clear to her that you will not stop her but it would cause you immense pain if she continues with her actions.

You have to expose to the OP’s GF, no matter what you think the circumstances of your cousin’s relationship. Of course the OP would tell your wife he is on the brink of breaking up. He is also lying through his teeth. His GF needs to know the truth, she could be exposed to any number of health issues due to sexually transmitted diseases.

Your cousin is not trying to protect your relationship between you and your wife, but you would try to protect his relationship with his GF. Your number one priority is to save your family, for your child to be raised by both his parents, not having to spend alternate weekends with you. Please note you are fighting for your family, and it involves exposing to everyone, her parents, his GF.

NOMO

Ok, I am pretty sure this is the way to go, but I have a couple questions about technique. I am pretty sure I don't want to let on to anyone that I am going to do this, because it will be viewed as manipulation, or an ultimatum, or something of that nature. But should I let either of them know that I exposed them, or let word come back to them from whomever I tell? I think my WW would be almost more mad if I didn't tell her what I did, but it doesn't really matter in the end, right? What do you think is more beneficial to rebuilding efforts? Less likely to be a major LB?
I think it's time they took ownership of what they are doing.

Conventional wisdom is to expose and let the cards fall where they may without telling your wife. Seeing how long it takes her to react is a good data point for how quick the grapevine works. If you tell her you're going to do it or you've done it, it gives her the chance to do damage control.

But, the instant she asks you about it, admit you informed others for the sake of your marriage. DO NOT DENY that you exposed the affair. Be ready with a speach to proclaim your desire to rebuild your marriage and for everyone to be able to be freed of the lies and deceit.

She will not hear you, of course, and you have ruined her life, etc., etc., etc. Be ready for this and DO NOT react emotionally.

A good universal response to her outrage (or any alien speak) is, "I understand your concern" delivered softly and calmly.

Read the link below on exposure.

MuddleThrough,

There two possible reactions a spouse can have when caught in an affair.

1. They're sorry and promise never to do it again.
2. They're not sorry.

You can work with #1. If their not sincere they at least have enough sense to pretend to be sorry. At least they know it's something you ought to be sorry about.

With #2 there is nothing you can do. If someone doesn't think they did anything wrong then they're ethically challenged. No amount of satisfying emotional needs is going to change someone's values.

Try to ask her what her values are. Does she think it's right to cheat on her husband?

If her values are screwed up, even if you win her back she'll eventually do it again.

OK - I did it last night. I exposed the A to my cousin's GF, my aunt and uncle and my wife's stepmother. WW found out about me telling his GF so far and is furious. Never wants to talk to me again. Says she is more upset that I betrayed her trust than that I told his GF. She blames his GF's pain on me, saying that they were trying to protect her feelings. She says that I was trying to exact revenge, though I know I wasn't, and that up until now she was going to try and work on what we had in the time we had left (before she left me for my cousin!), but that I destroyed it and we're through. I guess this is what I expected. I stayed calm and didn't react emotionally, but of course she called me at work and I wasn't at liberty to talk about it. I told her I understood how she could think that, but when she said I caused his GF's pain I told her that it wasn't me, that they caused it. I do feel somewhat guilty because I did break her trust to some degree, but I know it came from the right place, not some selfish agenda as she sees it (projection anyone?).
Where do I go from here? How can I continue my plan A while she's so angry at me? I'm sure this is the begining of reality starting to set in, and I'm sure it will get even more ugly - childlike tantrums, etc.
Well, she found out about his aunt and uncle too. I need encouragement and guidance about how to talk to her now. She irate and says she would never have married me if she knew I was capable of something like this. She says I'm sick. She's asking what I was trying to gain by doing this. I am planning on telling her that by exposing the affair I was making it happen in reality. I also plan on telling her everything behind my motives, but I'm not sure if that's entirely wise.

I don't know if you have read my list of what the WS says after being exposed or not. But I want to tell you, your wife has stated them one by one. It is almost like there is a cheater's manual that they go by.

The one that always gets me is the "I'll never trust you again".

Anyway, now you tell your wife that you want to save the marriage and will do what it takes. She won't stay angry for long, they never do.

Congratulations on doing the thing that will probably save your marriage. I know it is uncomfortable, but you did the best thing. Hang in there, and see what happens next.

It won't matter much what you tell her really. You've done very well. You marriage had zero chance while the affair was ongoing. With any luck your exposure will now end the affair. When the affair ends she will go through withdrawal.

You have done well.

Have you read the Infidelity FAQ's on this site (they are linked in my sig below)

MT, You did very good by exposing the affair. She is reacting as most WS's do when their affair is ruined. This is why she is angry. You had no obligation to keep her dirty little secret so don't let her guilt you for some silly notion like "breaking trust." It is untrustworthy to have affairs and lie about them, it is not untrustworthy to expose them.

So, just hang onto your hat and ride out the storm. Don't even try to reason with her or explain your actions; she is beyond comprehending reason and will accept NO explanation you give no matter what. You don't have to justify yourself. So don't get dragged into fruitless debates.

Just tell her: "I am sorry you are so upset, dear. I hope you feel better tomorrow. Just know that I did what I thought best for our marriage. " AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. Hand her a hankie, pat her on the head and smile. Whatever you do, don't argue or allow her to drag you into a fight.

You did the right thing. I know it doesnt' feel like it now, but you took the first brave step in saving your marriage.

Threadjack: Believer, how about posting a link to your thread on things the WS's say after exposure? There are a number of folks who could benefit by reading that. Thanks. Threadjack over. My apologies to everyone.

Well, I see a little light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that the affair might be ending, but my wife is convinced she wants nothing to do with me. I know it's her anger about the end of the affair, but she said something that really got me worried. She said that I was supposed to be her rock and that when this was over I would have been there for her. Instead, I betrayed her time and again (because I talked to my cousin's GF a few times via email this morning), and she feels like she can't trust me. I don't know how to proceed. It's still plan A, but I don't know where I went wrong, that she doesn't see that I have been very strong throughout this all. I guess it all lies in that she sees my motivation in exposing her as revenge. She's so upset that my cousin is going to get reamed by his parents over what I have done. He even wrote me an email saying that telling his parents "at this stage" was going too far. I guess he wanted to wait until they were really together before anyone had to know.

I'm finding a shred of hope every now and then with my wife, but I'd have to say that it's never been this bad. It's almost like all the feelings I had while the affair was going on are rising up in her. She even said "you don't love me, if you did love me you wouldn't cause me this pain"! I'm still trying not to cause conflict and trying to show her love and meet her needs, but it's nearly impossible to do anything like this with her in this state. I think she might have even turned her mother against me, because I've done something terrible in notifying his parents.

Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Right from the script.

Ignore it.


That was the goal of the exposure, and we hope you're right, but why do you think this? What took place to indicate this?

WAT