This is my first time posting on this discussion board. I started to read some posted yesterday that helped me realize the impact my infidelity has made. I cheated on my husband. The other person I do have feelings for, but I know my heart is with my husband. My husband found an email that was going back and forth between me and the OP. In this email, we both were saying how much we missed each other and wanted to be with each other. Not sexually, but emotionally. When my husband found the email and confronted me, he feel to the ground and was shaking. My reaction was void of emotion. I couldn't even cry. What is wrong with me? This happened on Sunday. Each day that goes by I am realizing more and more how much I messed up. Why is it taking me this long to realize? Why didn't break down crying with him? I feel so upset with myself. What is most hurtful about this is how I would write such emotional things to the OP and then go and hug my husband and tell him that I love him. Everyone keeps asking me how could I do that? How could I look at up our wedding picture and then type that email? I am still trying to understand why.
My husband is being so supportive to me. It's amazing. He knows I have some serious insecurity issues. I am just so upset at myself for hurting and disappointing so many people.

NOTHING. you made a mistake

I know I made a mistake, but the guilt is so overwhelming sometimes.

Well you can feel bad about making the mistake all you want. I just don't want you feeling bad about yourself.

Oh absolutely, guilt is a very heavy burden to carry. Your first reaction was more of one of apathy. You were having your emotions met elsewhere and the shock of being found out was, so what. Now you are startinig to realize the hurt being caused and maybe there is more at stake. It could be you were more in a fantasy and now you are more back to reality.

Well, a mistake yes. All too common, but simply writing it off as a simple mistake is not going to help you and your BH overcome this and build a more meaningful marriage where neither of you will be unfaithful.

MC will help you understand why you had an affair, which is all important to your recovery.

Who

AskMe,
That is true about the fantasy. I am just trying to deal with why I let myself get into this situation in the first place.

I am a FWW (former wayward wife) and I remember that apathy. The first time I decided to stop my A, I sat on the couch like a zombie for days. Have you agreed to never contact OM (other man) again? Have you told your husband honestly what happened in the A? Do you know what you need to do now?

The guilt if being a FWW is a heck of alot better than the guilt of being an active adulteress.

Glad you are here, there are alot of FWW around to help you through this.

I have told the OM that I will not contact him. The affair was emotional for the most part and we did kiss. My husband knows all of that. It is so strange because he is being more supportive and forgiving than his family. I completely understand his family's anger. I have done the ultimate betrayal.

You messed up... Now let's deal with the situation. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband - don't lose sight of that.

No contact with the OM period. Write him a letter, let your husband see it and send it. Your husband is probably not going to trust you for a while, you will need to be accountable for your time away from him.

You and your husband now have an oppurtuntity to make your marraige better than it has ever been.

You know, as bad as you messed up, you are admitting your mistakes. Many of the WS (wayward spouses) refuse to be honest and admit what they have done wrong. Give yourself some credit.

Now get to work on your marraige my friend!!!

Katel98,

Are you a Christian?

In His arms.

just being picky

I don't believe adultery is a mistake:
1 : to blunder in the choice of <mistook her way in the dark>
2 a : to misunderstand the meaning or intention of

it is closer to

an error:
1 a : an act or condition of ignorant or imprudent deviation from a code of behavior

Sounds like you have a lot of work to do before you can be worthy of the man you call husband. I hope you are seeking counseling because if you don't I can almost guarantee you will do it again. I think its amazing that you are able to admit and own up to what you have done and for that you should be proud. Too many betraying spouses decided to punish their spouse for their own indiscretion. Good luck, I hope you guys can make it and you can continue to be honest with him. Honesty hurts but lying is agony. Who knows, your marriage might end up stronger as a result of this. I hope for your sake it does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm with you Pep...big time...I did not want to continue with this thread because of those statements. Mistakes are also accidents...you can't make all of those choices and decide that they were a mistake, most folks know they're "making mistakes"...however...this is a discussion for elsewhere.

Your pain is quite real and understandable and I am here to tell you that it very well can get better. It is a long and painful process for BOTH parties. Be honest, with yourself first! Then with your spouse. Read this site, pick up "Surviving an Affair". Come to this place to be told all of your anguish is NORMAL.

Good luck...

I too screwed up. I am dealing with the guilt every day. Telling your husband is the first step. Showing him that you never ever want to do that to him again is the next. That second step takes some time though.

Be thankful that you have a hubby who wants to forgive and work on your marriage. Be prepared for the anger though. When I first told my H what I did, we cried together and held each other. A few months later, the anger kicked in and now we are working through my guilt and insecurities and his anger and trust issues. Key is, we are doing it together.

It is a long road my friend, but whatever you do, DO NOT contact the OM. Never ever ever. No emails, no asking friends how he is doing, no reading old mails, nothing.

Hang in there. It will get better. You have to believe it will. Hang in here. There is lots of support here when you need it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mother Earth,
Thank you SO much for your kind words and advice. It seems like every hour goes by, I am realizing more and more how I had blinders on. I kept telling myself I had it under control. It's like being a drug addict or something. Today, I deleted all the emails. I am just so upset with myself that I was convinced I had it under control and that this other guy was worth throwing it all away. Maybe in another lifetime he would be, but my life now is with my husband. And that is the way I want it to be. I am upset that all I had to do when the OM took it past a friendship to "you look nice today," is me saying "I am married and I would prefer that you don't talk to me in that manner." And to further upon that, he told me he was in love me, which he very well may be, but why did I feel I had to return the favor.

Just a short note of caution.

My FWW telling me her 10 year LTA was a "mistake" was one of the more insulting things she said to me at the time.

I would not minimize your A to your BH at all, in any way. Calling it a mistake is not owning up to your intentional, rational, and considered choices - which your affair was at every turn.

Unless someone was holding a gun to your head, that is.

Recovery will go a lot easier for your BH (and thus for you) and will be a lot more concrete and lasting if you don't pretend to yourself you just made a mistake.

with prayers,

katel98, It seems a good thing that you are now realizing what you did and you want to change. I pray all will go well with you and that a full recovery will happen with you and H. I am wondering was there any problems in your M prior to the A? Was there anything that you felt was missing that inspired you to look at OM?

Katel



Yes, that's exactly what it's like. Did it give you a rush? Did you keep doing it even though you knew it could have disasterous results? Did you think, "I can't believe I'm doing this. It's like I'n not even in my right mind"? Did you feel powerless to stop? Affairs ARE addictions. Withdrawl will be hard. But...



You seem to have the right attitude and you are thinking much more clearly than most of us FWW's (formerly wayward wives) right after the affair ends. Have you read the articles here on infidelity?


Listen luv, you can't change what happen. You think YOU were foolish? I didn't even know my OM, and his first line to me was a smarmy comment about how "adorable" I am. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker. GOOD GRIEF! But you are asking all the right "why" questions. And you will find the answers. But you'll probably need some professional guidance. Will your husband go to MC (marriage counseling) with you? Also, the articles on this site will help you get started. How's your husband doing? He reacted so strongly at first, then became supportive so quickly, he might just be in a state of stunned numbness. Don't be surprised if he lashes out again at some point. Just a heads-up. And keep posting. You'll get a ton of great support here. (But the weekends are slow so don't get discouraged, ok?)

--SC