and I can't wake up.

She told me yesterday she had an affair - a one-night stand pretty much. It was a situation where i would have never found out. But, she said she had to tell me - she couldn't live lying to me anymore.

I'm not sure if I can work past this. I'm not sure I'm built that way.

She was my world.

But, I'm afraid that if I stick it out with her that I will be miserable and then bitter/resentful/mean towards her and make her miserable too. What good is that?

Even if I can't be with her anymore, I don't want her to be miserable. I still care for her.

All she has done the past day and today is cry non-stop and plead for my understanding/forgiveness. She says that if I don't stay with her that she will be miserable.

Life as I know it has changed.

Will the anger and images in my head go away?

ignatius,

I feel your pain. My thread 'Caught My Fiance In The Act' is just below yours. I feel the same way about her that you do. You're going to have to take some serious time to think this over, and spend a lot of time reading through the forum. I'm new to this and have taken in a lot of information. I can only pray that the answer will come to you and I in time. I'm so sorry.

In_Distress

I just read your thread. Very similiar. We were both 26 when we got married in 2002. But, we had been living together since around 94-95.

I sometimes wonder how much of this love she professes for me is simply due to the comfort and security she feels with the person she has spent virtually all of her "adult" life with. Maybe she loves me but is she "in love" with me?

I just updated my thread. Got her to admit that basically she was testing the waters to see if this OM "did" it for her. I believe my situation has come to a sad conclusion that hopefully I'm deciding for better. I think they really do love us, they just don't know if they could love another and want to find out. I really believe depending on the scenario that we cannot change that, and for me; even though she wants to go to counseling, it won't help her inner questions to herself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Once Again, I am so sorry.

In_Distress

ignatius,

I am not thinking clearly, we need much time to think clearly. I've ultimately changed my mind once again and am going to give her this one chance. I told her I'd give her the chance then tried to corner her, as upset about the situation as I am, this was not fair to her. If I offer her the chance and she commits 100% to trying to do everything neccessary to reconcile the situation, I must give her that chance.

I want to also say that your wife did tell you about it, that takes a lot, and does show remorse. I would go to marriage counseling with her, I believe you guys can learn a lot about each other and hopefully help you cope. I will keep you posted on my revelation.

In_Distress

i've changed my mind a few dozen times and it's been barely over 24 hrs.

I know what you mean. I've now made it a week tonight. You are in no condition to me making any decisions right now. I still haven't made a final decision. I've agreed to work with her through the process of trying to make it work. That may not even work for us.

I definately think you need some time to yourself to contemplate things. Also, take into consideration what she means to you. Was she it, the one that made you whole, your rock? I answered yes even though there was betrayal. Will we be able work through it, this is something only time will tell. I still recommend marriage counseling, give it time, and eventually through prayer and self-reflection you will find the correct answer. It's so hard. I feel bad that you too have to go through such pain, it's awful, almost unbearable. Keep your head up, time will help calm the waters.

In_Distress

Okay you guys... found you over here trying to pick each other up.

Let me first tell you both how sorry I am that you've found yourself here, under the circumstances.

Mistake number one...
You're tying to make sense of something that will NEVER make sense.

Misatke number two...
You're trying to make gigantic life decisions...at the worst possible time of your life.

When I first found out my H was having an A... I threw him out.. called the attorney the same day.

I did not eat, sleep, shower, work...for weeks. There was days I could not get out of bed, and days I could cry no more tears. Days I spent throwing up...for endless hours.

You've just been run over by the biggest train there is...and it blindsided you...you never saw it coming.

Give yourselves a break.

The most powerful tool you'll have at this point..is KNOWLEDGE.

Read this site...browse posts, read the principles...the basics...learn how affairs start, why they end, how you can recover.

NOBODY is built to recover from an affair. It's something you have to LEARN.

There are many many men here....who started off in the same position in which you find yourselves...

HOWEVER... many of those same men..did not have the remorseful spouses that you have.

They endured months of the affair continuing...compounded lies...but they stuck with it.

If you start to really wrap your arms around the fact that you CAN get through this..and perhaps even come out the other end..a better spouse... with a better marriage....than you could ever DREAM of..each day will get a wee bit easier.

Give yourself at least 6 months to even TRY to make a decision.

You'll need to heal some..before you make a decision this important.

They told me here... 6 months...and I did just that.

I'm 2 years out now...

Marriage is solid...better than ever...

I have no trust issues...

I am happy that I made the choice to give him another chance.

In those six months, I allowed myself to "leave the door open". I could choose..at ANY time...to toss it in...and I promise you ..there were many times that I did want to say screw it..I can't get over it.

But I promised the folks here...I'd wait those six months.

This hurts...you're going to hurt right now...like nothing you've ever felt. It can't be compared to anything.

Keep posting...keep reading...educate yourself about lovebusters..and avoid them.

Make your relationship a safe place..and start talking.

Grab a good bottle of wine...go for a run..whatever you have to do to let off the pressure.

We're here if you need to talk.

You will find many generous concerned people here who will help you. Please, whatever you do, keep posting and reading. Don't take any sudden action, just take your time and gather your wits.

You are not your normal self right now, and it's not the right time to make life-changing decisions. Give it some time, get your balance, and remember God is with you.

Thanks for all the feedback.

I don't plan on making any rash decisions. My frame of mind is changing to frequently for that.

One moment I think that in some weird way this might make our marriage stronger and that I should stick it out.

The next, I'm thinking about how the thoughts/images of what happened are going to continue to haunt me. That I will become a suspicious, resentful, overprotective and petty person going forward in this marriage. I don't want to be that kind of person. I don't want her to have to live her life with that kind of person. We would both be miserable. What good would that be?

Sometimes I think about how before this happened that my opinion had always been that if my wife cheated on me...that was IT. I'd leave her. Was that a stupid principle to have? A principle that someone has who has never experienced such a thing before? Or am I abandoning that principle because I'm to fearful of a life without her?

I graduated high school in 1994. Soon after I began dating my wife. Soon after that we moved in together. We lived together for 8 years then we married. I pretty much moved out from under my parents' roof and moved in with her. I don't know a life by myself.

We are going to see a counselor this weekend. I don't really no what to expect.

I know exactly how you feel. Keep us posted on the counseling.

In_Distress

I am in the same boat. H had an A with a female soldier in Iraq while we were seperated for 15 months (of course you ALL know that by now! ha ha). It's been 2 weeks since he confessed. My H, like your W's, is remoreseful and begging my forgiveness. I have gone through many, many ups & downs in the past 2 weeeks -- leave....stay.....leave.....stay. One thing I know for sure is that if I leave, and don't see if we can come out of this stronger, I will regret it in the end. If I leave now, and give up, I will always wonder "what if". Like the others, I've promised myself 6 months. If I still feel this hurt & angry then, and don't feel we've made any progress, then I will leave & be on my own, knowing I did everything I could to save my marraige.

I am so hurt now I can hardly eat, I know I am hurting myself physically, but I just don't have the appetite. I cannot sleep, I am depressed one day, and fine the next. These are all normal feelings, I supposed, and I've said before the worst part for me is the mental images.

We will all be OK. We will come out of this stronger, whether we stay or not. I have to believe this is true.

Just know you are not alone. We are in this together.

TinaD...thanks for the good feedback. And good luck to you and yours.

Someone on another thread mentioned the importance of exposing what happened to the family. Is there any reason for me to do this if the W has ended all contact with the OM and has asked (begged) for forgiveness and reconciliation?

She has told her father but that is all.

I didn't really want to tell my family. I mean, if we work through this - what good would it have been to have told them?

Ig,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

First, exposure is ment to put pressure on an affair so that it helps to end it. If the affair is over then there is little reason to expose. Is the OM married? If he is you should have a chat with his wife. If this affair happend with someone at her work, then you have some issues to deal with there . . . especially if one is the supervisor of the other.

Look, it seems your wife is remorseful. It seems like she is willing to go to counseling. It seems like she loves you. Is she worth another chance? You tell me.

Divorce is horrible. It will not make you feel better. I would not divorce your wife JUST for a past trasgression . . . I would divorce her if she doesn't find out why she did this and create some serious boudaries so that this doesn't happen again. I she cannot/will not help to make you secure that this behavior is an abberation and will not become habit; in a situation like that I would consider divorce because I cannot ever see that situation as being healthy for either of you.

Good people sometimes do some pretty bad things.

This will take a lot of time before you can put this to rest. The images of her and OM will fade with time.

I'm sorry.

=(

=D

well this is just entirely untrue


of course they will =D

Thanks.

No, the OM was someone she met from over the Internet and then physically met while on a business trip.

About an hour ago she sent me an e-mail with all of the usernames/password to all of her email accounts along with cell phone voice mail account info and the like.

I never wanted to be a person who monitored his wife in this way.

probably the latter. But the problem isn't really worth losing your marriage over. Also if you have this principle, 40% of the time on average(depending on how good your marriage is previously) you WILL divorce. So it's a good thing you're afraid of losing her.

Wow, that is the million dollar question, isn't it. Good response by Shadpoo.

I always said the same, then about 10 years into our marriage a co-worker I was close to went thru her husband's A and they recovered over the period of years. About 6 mos before I found out about the A, I started to realize that sometimes it just wasn't that simple; 12 years of history together, 2 kids, a mortgage, inlaws, and our true friendship... and sure enough once he told me he expected I would tell him I was through. But I wanted to give it a chance, and I'm so glad I did. And I didn't do it because I was afraid of being along, in fact I rather grew fond of the idea for a while, esp when he was being such a jerk during our separations.

Hang in there... the entire experience sucks but is very educational. At least that's what I kept thinking.

MSA

ignatius,

How are things going for you? You holding up as best you can? How about counseling? I think of you daily because of what I'm going through and the tough thoughs and decisions I make everyday.

In_Distress