Hi all,

Just need some advice, i have been pouring thru websites like crazy. I have been married for 13 years have 2 younger kids. We have had the normal fights and makeups throughout our relationship. It just seems that the past few years there is love but not a real love i guess, i realize we do not have our times together and are not meeting out needs which is probably why I am at the stage I am at. I have met someone online, and share both text, voice, and cam with her. When i think of her, talk to her, my heart beats fast, i feel like a kid. Now i know reading thru the dr's posts and guides what i need to do but the thing is this seems so right. She is married as well, and has kids too. She is also in the same boat as I am with the same feelings towards her spouse. We both have lost interest in each others spouses. The thoughts of actually meeting and holding each other is very exciting, this is not a childish thing im talking about, it is very real and not a novelty in my mind. My heart actually gets wierd for lack of better word when i think of her and talk to her, kinda warm and stuff. She gets the same way, yes it is kinda like when my wife and i first met, but its truly not the same, i think we both ( my wife and I ) got married and settled with each other out of necessitiy i think, i was single and so was she, we met, and within 6 months were married. the same goes for the woman i love on the internet with her husband. Please excuse the gramar, and spelling and stuff i just need to get this all out. I am totally confused and just don't know what to do, i don't want to hurt my wife and my kids. I have seen people stay together for kids and not to hurt wifes or spouses feelings, i don't want to 20 years down the road be regretful i did not go the other road. My wife has even told me many a time, i wish you would find someone more like you and you could be happy, she has told me time and time again why are we together, even a pychic told her that we would not be together forever, i always tell her no, we will always be together, even tho deep in my heart i don't believe it. I guess thats all i have to say for now, i am so confused. I don't want to hurt anyone, i really don't know what to do, ........

Joe - we know very well what you should do.

Quit rationalizing.

Instead of spending internet time with your fantasy soul mate, spend it here by reading stories of betrayed spouses (BS) and wayward spouses (WS) and you'll see yourself. You'll also see that your are setting yourself up for HUGE headaches and heartaches.

Let me ask you one question: how much sense does it make to hook up like this with an internet person? How do you even know this person is a woman? Hmmmmmm? think about it.

Follow your head.

edit: meaning logic and reason

Can you explain how it's real?

It may feel real, but it's just a feeling. A fantasy. A novelty.

Step back and really think about this logically. Does what you're doing make sense? Potentially breaking up two families because it feels good electronically?

WAT

I am find this site very useful. I do know its a woman because i webcam with her. I will continue reading and I to want to work this out with her. I don't want to just stop it with her and leave her frustrated as well. Is that wrong? I would like to still be friends with her, is that wrong? Again, thanks for the quick replies, and I am going to continue to read all of the posts, do i just search on ws and bs to find stories?

Are you greatly interested in visiting with your children as you replace your own with hers...???

are you greatly interested in your wife finding someone else to raise your children....

I assume you live long distance reason why you haven't "met" in real time...

you willing to have your children lay awake at night with the fear of mom or dad growing weary of them..and then replacing them......

Can you see the heaps and heaps of energy emotion and thought process you steal from your wife, children and marriage and pour in to this OW...and then act like it is something that just occurs and is out of your control while you spend every waking moment thinking of what you two have said to one another and what you will say to her the next time you talk...

you are a thief in your own home....



Here is a letter someone posted about the reality of what really happens after one acts out these type of things...

the fantasy is far far different from the reality...



When I look back, what I see is myself in some sort of trance, making insane and rapturous decisions, rationalizing in tongues and somehow pretending to myself that what I was doing made perfect sense and that my own giddy "escape" would somehow provide a happy ending for everyone. Or that there was some cosmic safety net that would gather everyone up and protect my children, my good husband and myself from anything remotely resembling dire trauma and ruin.

Ha.

There is no cosmic safety net that blocks inevitable consequence.

Consequence is immune to even the most desperate remorse. It's as cold and inexorable as a moving glacier. Fantasies of undoing are not efficacious. Frantic efforts to somehow mend the thing, to fix the pain one has caused, finally seem both selfish and masochistic.

Consequence is a cold, hard thing and if you can bear it for yourself, good; try bearing it in your children's faces. For the rest of your life. So, Cary, what advice do you have for this fellow in L.A. some six years later, if he ignores your good advice, comes to you and says, "I'll never again feel whole and untroubled. No one who placed their trust in me and whom I love feels whole and untroubled.

I did not protect my spouse or my children from imbecilic folly and it was my fault. I'm unable to simply disappear from the face of the earth; my kids still walk it. My ex-spouse still walks it, and lives seem to be irrevocably spoiled. I failed to protect them from myself, and the affair and the divorce has indeed become the pivotal trauma of all of our lives. It's not a single event that recedes into the past -- the fallout just doesn't quit, for any of us. I'm tottering on the edge of a smarmy self-loathing that's even more self-absorbed and ignominious than the stupid, blissed-out hedonism that got me here. I want to be clearly and straightforwardly remorseful, confess my error (I have, of course), endure my own situation with some sort of grace and compassion, and just do no more harm to anyone else ever again. Just, you know, buck up. Especially for the kids. But I feel terminally broken, myself.

I was married for 30 years! Cary, what IS a ruined life? If you wake one morning, and then every morning, for YEARS, and all you can see is ruin, remorse and the requirement to get up and put a good face on it, and pick your way as carefully as possible through the rubble, which you do, though you can't see any way to redeem anything, and your beloved children are floating somewhat helplessly away toward some other horizon, and you are genuinely helpless yourself to prevent loss after loss, all in the wake of your own stupid decision: What do you do then? The Zen Master, when asked the meaning of life, laughs and says, "Mistake after mistake."

OK. Self-laceration is a pointless self-indulgence. Regretful ruminations are a sloppy waste of time. "I deserve this" does not translate into "they deserve this." OK. So help me out, here. Where's the foothold? I can't find my way into inspiring heroic myths. Once upon a time I was the Wise Mother and honored and cherished in my family without much fuss about it. So much for that one. What the ****** can I grow into now? Sisyphus? Magdalena? I figure I don't really have the right to sink lethargically into Sodden Heap of Remorse, despite sucking undertows. And I'm done with trying to glamorize the thing -- it is to vomit.

Just Plain Lost

ARK

Oh another questions, what do i do with my wife? Do i tell her, or do i just end this and thats that? Thanks

How do you know "she's" not a transvestite? Hmmmmmmmm?

Stranger things have happened.

Even if "she" is a woman, why do you believe the things she has said? Have you been entirely truthful with her?

I've got some land in the Caribbean. Waterfront with a beach. Cheap - make a deal just for you. Want me to send you a picture?

You end it first.

This is how: send the "assumed" woman a final message saying you have made a HUGE mistake and have decided that your wife and family are too important to you to turn your back on. You want to dedicate yourself to making your family the most important thing in your life and in making your marriage a healthy and happy one. "Please never ever contact me again."

THEN - we'll help you with the next part. OK?

Your decision depends on how much control you have over your actions. Are you going to let your feelings for this woman control you? Emotions aren't the best decision maker when it comes to the well-being of your family.

Ok.. But what about her, i want her to get help to. Obviously she is missing something too.

In your final message recommend she do the same thing as you - if she spends as much time working on her marriage as on-line with you, it would already be better.

WAT

Joe asked:
"I don't want to just stop it with her and leave her frustrated as well. Is that wrong? I would like to still be friends with her, is that wrong?"

The answer to both of those questions is YES, and YES.

Get the following books:
"Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley
"His Needs Her Needs", by Dr Willard Harley
"Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass
"Torn Asunder", by Dave Carder

Do not act on this affair. You will cause loads of pain for all involved. Love is a decision....not just a feeling.
You made a commitment to love your wife etc.
You are one of the most important examples for your children of what it is to be an honorable man or integrity. It is very weak and pathetic to submit to the lust you are feeling for your internet affair partner. It is wrong.

You need to channel as much energy back into your marriage and focus as much attention on renewing your relationship with the mother of your children.

Just think what could be accomplished if you devoted as much time to your wife as you are to this fantasy woman?

You can not be friends. If your wife were doing exactly as you are doing would you really think it would be okay to keep that other man as a 'friend'. Your thinking is very foggy.

Read the following and see how well you have been doing at those concepts:

The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Thanks very much WAT, it scares me both having to end it but also destorying my marriage, if i havent already done so, I never asked for this to happen and not quite sure how it did. I feel a pain in my heart right now. I am deathly afraid right now as well :-(

Joe,

My friend met a man on line. They were both single and they did all the email, IM's chat, phone calls, web cams too. They were soulmates for sure, at least that's what they told everyone. Then they met and fantasy became reality. Once the newness wore off and all the excitement was gone she realized he was just another guy with lots of problems.

Most people who are married and have extensive on line lives are not happy people. They go on line hoping to find something to fill the void in their lives. It's usually another person with the same type of problems and there is almost never a happy ending.

Face facts before you destroy your wife and family. You can't have a healthy relationship, even with your wife, until you fix what's wrong with you. Counseling would help.

Joe -
I am a woman that had an online internet affair that ended over 1 year ago. I understand how you feel that it is all "so real" and that this woman seems so perfect for you..Online affairs are VERY intense, but based on a fantasy....Check out this thread: Help! Withdrawing from Painful Online Affair There are several of us that wrote on this thread that all felt the same way.

It IS a fantasy and you don't really KNOW this woman. She may truly be a woman, but you don't know what it really is like to be with her day to day.


And it is VERY normal to be deathly afraid right now. I had my whole fantasy ripped apart in one day after the OM's wife found our emails. Do you want that to happen to you? Do you want to risk destroying 2 marriages?

You will never be able to have the marriage you want as long as this OW is in the picture.

Hi all,

I have just composed this message which i am going to send after i post this message. I need to know the next steps as I think i might have a perfect weekend as the kids will be away. Please advise, i am a total shambles right now but I know i need to get on and fix everything.

Msg starts here -

Hi my sweet,

I am really happy we met and everything,
I have been lacking something in my marriage that you have
fullfilled and if we had been single this would have been
destiny made in heaven. I have been totally going insane the past few weeks, juggling my life. I have upped my dose of medicine by myself just to cope and have started drinking again.

I did not tell you this before because i didn't think it was an issue. I have been juggling with decisions and didn't know which way to go. I have been trying to find an answer and i did find somewhere. http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Now i know right now the feelings you must be going thru and let me tell you I have a pit in my stomach that doesnt feel like it belongs. The site said i should end this quick, but i want you to know I think you have deep down feelings for your husband and you are lacking something too. I want you to goto this site, visit it, tell your story, it is amazing how much it has helped in this little time.

You can view my post at this address to see exactly what went on.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...t=1#Post2935699

What this comes down to is, i really need to focus on what is troubling my marriage, i have built up something that has been neglected for a long while and i want to dedicate myself to repairing something that should have been foremost on my list.

I hope you follow this and don't let yourself fall into this trap again.

Please support yourself, support your family and kids. I know you do not want another time to happen like before.

Hugs Gog.

End message -

Thanks everyone again

Hi all,

I am wondering what steps are next. I have sent the message and closed all contact with her, i hope she find this site as i did. I thank everyone for their support. I am ready for step 2 as WAT has said.

I'm glad you ended it, but I don't think it was a good idea that you directed her to your very thread on this site. That will still put her in contact with you.