Joe - Since no one else has replied. The next step is to tell your wife about the online affair. If you will have some private time to do this over the weekend, this would be the time.

I can tell you that it won't be easy. But, it's important to speak the truth to your wife in order for your marriage to progress.

I am still concerned that you directed the OW to your thread. What was your intention? I know you wanted to direct her to get help, but that isn't your job right now. Your job is to tell your wife and get honest with her and to work on your marriage.

Thanks 2b,

My intention to direct to this thread was to have her look at all the support. This is new to me and i had know idea no to do that. I guess i should have really had it proofread before i sent it. What do i do after i tell my wife? I am going to pick up the books suggested earlier, and have been reading like a hound.

P.S. what do all the FWW BS and acroynyms mean. I have been trying to figure out alot of them and some are hard to figure out. Thanks again

Joe -

Take it one step at a time. It's going to be tough enough to make it through this weekend when you explain this all to your wife. Offer all your email accounts and passwords to her. Have her hold you accountable in everything. Prove to her that you want to repair your marriage by having her hold you accountable.

Go to the the home page of this site and read about ending affairs. Read about how you must never communicate with this woman again. Keep reading...get the books.

BS - Betrayed Spouse
FWW - Former Wayward Wife
FWH - Former Wayward Husband

Link to acronyms: acronyms

JOE..
you can not direct your other woman to this site in the name of NO CONTACT....

It is unfair of you to use other peoples pain on this board to establish and maintain contact with your OW....

it will undermine any chance you have of recovery..

you would be much greater served to direct your WIFE here....and never ever your Other woman...ever...

NO CONTACT...means no contact....not come and visit me on a website where I lament my woes of life....

please I implore you to not use the good people of this forum to feed your needs

ARK

I am sorry ARK, i meant no disrespect at all. I am and was confused. I didnt mean any harm and I appologize.

did you send it,...that's the question...

IMHO I believe that you should confess this affair to your wife and have a no contact letter which she could see. You would not start such a letter with "My Sweet", and you would not use any other terms of endearment which are very disrespectful to your wife.

There are examples of NO Contact letters on this site. They should be short and to the point. Stressing that this affair has been a terrible mistake and you love your wife and family and have chosen to work on your marriage and repair the damage your affair has already caused....something to that effect.

Do not direct her here. There are other places she can get help...that will be for her to find and figure out. You can't save her.

This place can be of help for you (WS) and your wife (BS)...not your other woman (OW).

I wish you all the best. YOu can have a better marriage than it was before you started this online affair. Many have succeeded in falling in love with their spouse again.

Hi everyone,

Thankyou for your tremendous support. Luckily my mind was working and got this stopped before it went on too far. My wife and I are working it out, and I am going today to pick up books. Again thanks,

Did you tell your wife about the online affair?

I later thought that I should have asked him to post his NC message here before he sent it. I consciously did NOT advise him to send "sweetheart" to this forum for the reasons others later said.

Joe - if you see this, please hang with us. We hope you get out of this mess and we can help. Realize that you were very wise and brave to ask your first questions and this bodes well for you in the long run. Your wife can also benefit greatly from our help.

WAT

WAT - Your advice to Joe was just fine. No one knew he would write that email to the OW so quickly without asking us about the content.

Honestly, Joe, I was surprised how quickly you made the decision! That was great and I believe that will show your wife you are serious.

Please come back and update us!

2B - you're right. Better to send it 80% right than not at all.

Joe - good work. Seriously.

If you hang with us, you can edit out the specific message you sent so that IF OW comes here, she won't make the link to you. Yours is not the only internet affair around. Alternatively, you can register under a new name and even fool us!

WAT

Joe,

I am sure ny now you know what you are doing to end this is the right thing to do.

Not to say saving your marriage is the answer, but starting another relationship while you are married is certianly not the solution.

You must give your marriage 100% if you have any desire to keep it. If it does not work out. Do what you must before getting involved in another relationship. You owe that to your W, as well as your children.

If you and your W decide to separate or D, atleast you gave it the chance it deserved.

Why does your R with this internet Woman feel so right?
You are receiving feelings, and attention you were lacking until this new connection.

There are no negative aspects to the relationship while you two are tuning out the damage you are doing to both your families (It's an escape).

It would all come crashing down if you were to pursue this if and when your BS = betrayed spouses become aware. It would only get worse if you were to leave you BS.

It feels so right, and so real. Key word (feels). It is not real, and certianly not right.

Do the right thing. End it, work on your M = Marriage.

Just an oh by the way. You can only give your M 100% once you have completely gotten over this A = affair.

Hi Joe,

Don't misunderstand your infactuation with online OW as love. That is 'love' first stage-- heady and exciting. The love you have for your wife should mature to a second, deeper stage of love of support, sharing and understanding... a much fulfilling love. Perhaps you just didn't have time to nuture your marriage. Don't need to go online to look for love... it is right in front of you, holding your babies, being a mother and a wife. Now, she doesn't deserve to be hurt.

Hi Everyone,

I am so elated today. I wanted to give you an update. I have never been so happy in my life then today. I told my wife and we had some ups and downs last night but overall i told her about emotional needs and that we were both missing something. I also told her i chose her over anyone else, this is why i wanted to act so fast. I knew my family, my lover, best friend and soul mate is my wife. I know that now and was misguided. I am so fortunate I found this site, i am so grateful. Right now I feel an attraction for my wife that I haven't felt in a number of years. I have also given up on online gaming which was the start of some of the emotional breakup and alot of emptying of the love bank. The thing that was scary for my wife, she thought that I was happy doing the computer gaming, never once did she think I was unhappy, which i didn't really either know at the time as well. My love for my wife has folded 10 times on itself, it is amazing. I want to spend every minute with her, those feelings i was having for the OW have transfered to my wife. I actually have started getting arroused around my wife again, its simply amazing and this is only one day. I can just imagine how much more this is going to become. I have told her i want to spend my whole life with her, that she is my life her and the kids. I have ordered the book his needs her needs, since the local bookstore did not have it in. It will be here in 2 - 4 days. I will keep in contact because my wife was looking here too and she has had her eyes opened up on this site as well. I just have to say my heart is full again and i am loving it. Take care all and i will keep in touch.

I am so happy for you and your wife and kids.

It helped us to use the MB home study course with the tapes as well as the books and workbook. If you just get the book(s)you might want to take turns reading the book aloud and discussing anything that comes up. Some of the chapters can bring up painful memories but I believe that there can be growth from working through the difficult stuff together.

There is a concept of spending 15 hours undivided time with each other per week.

In the meantime, read the main concepts and articles on this website as well as this forum.

Welcome to MB and the prospects for a better marriage than you could have imagined.

Great news! How wonderful that you and your wife so quickly came to an understanding! Please keep us posted!

Also, you mentioned that this online relationship was a result of online gaming. There were several on the thread I mentioned to you earlier: Help! Withdrawiing from Painful Online Affair that developed online relationships in gaming. This is not uncommon.

You did the right thing by ending this now and telling your wife!

Wow, Joe, that's terrific!

Encourage your wife to visit here and ask questions. She may have a lot of anxiety that is not apparent to you right off the bat.

DO NOT contact the other other person again. Ignore all attempts for her to contact you. Change e-mail addresses, etc. to but a buffer between you.

WAT

Hi all,

Everything is going okay. My wife we will name her Jan is going to use this account to ask some questions. Bye for now, thanks for everything. Here is Jan

Hello everyone,

First, I would like to thank everyone in this forum, for helping my husband find the answers for the things that were troubling him. He has been raving about this site ever since. We have decided that there is nothing more important then each other and our children, and all weekend our kids were away with my mom and dad. So it has been like a second honeymoon for us and it has been wonderful, now it is Sunday evening and tomorrow we get back to our regular routines. And I am extremely anxious that once we get busy in life again I will be forgotten by him that is the best way to explain how I am feeling. I know he loves me with all his heart and I am trying to think of everything I ever did wrong in our marriage, I guess I am blaming myself for neglecting him to make him feel that he needed someone else. We have ordered His Needs, Her Needs and are awaiting it in the mail. I think I am just really confused and I'm looking for some advice.

Jan

Hi. Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you are posting here. You might want to get your own name, because we suggest that husbands and wives each have their own thread.

The first order of business is for Joe to rewrite the no contact letter. He should skip the hi sweets, glad we met part.

It should say that he loves you, made a terrible mistake and wants to work on his marriage. It should continue that he wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. You should approve it and send it.

His letter is like the typical WS wants to send. It's rather sickening. He needs to think about not hurting you, not the other woman.

It's good that you are getting His Needs, Her Needs. It sounds like he isn't really meeting your needs either. By the way, don't blame yourself for his cheating. It's true that circumstances that you both allowed to happen in the marriage contributed, but it was his choice.