We have been married for 12 years. I am despirately in love with her. Always have been. My job caused me to be away often and hobbies which had been mutual in the beginnning of our relationship also took alot of time away from her and my family.

I began suspecting an A a while back, but her history of growing up in an affair broken home and physical abuse as well as infidelity of a previous marriage made me trust and believe she would not do such a thing.

In August, She took a trip "to have time to herself". She was very definsive of her need to do so. My trust was broken when phone calls would not be answered or returned for long periods of time.

Upon her return I told her if she was having an A, I forgave her, loved her and needed her. We remained intimate fairly regular. In November, after months of trying to convice myself otherwise, I point blank asked the question. My response seemed to shock her, as I had already dealt with alot of teh anger even though I really had no proof, only cercomstantial situations, and a huge emotional barrier between us. I learned of the Three year affair with her boss and the knowledge that my daugter, 18, who also works with them, was and had been aware of the A for a substantial period of time.

Several weeks prior to the reveal, they had moved the business location to a three bedroom house, in which my daugter and her fience have moved into. I later found this to be scipted to provide her a place to live.

My delima is my WS says the affair is over and that my Daughter can attest to this. She gets very definsive when I even suggest her being with him, should we separate, asking "Why does it have to be about someone else? (she knows the answer to this) She refuses to quit her job saying they were friends first and that she enjoys her job and that we will not financially survive without this job, as she is very well paid, I assume as a result of the affair. Intimacy all but stopped following the disclosure, no affection, only a beginning of communication. She refuses to wear her wedding set, which I now wear on a chain. On a positive note she comes home everynight and we sleep in the same bed, me holding her.

I feel unable to discuss the situation with my daughter as they have already placed her in a bad situation. But, I feel I need to rebuild the relationship with my daughter, as she too became withdrawn from me with knowledge of the A. I am unable to even stop by to see my wife at work or even go by after hours to see my daughter, as he is often there after hours working on his racecar in the garage behind the house. My WS often wants to spend time with our daughter after hours, which really conserns me. He has made it very clear I am unwelcome there My WS says there are high tensions between her and the OP, because she refuses to leave me for him after he left his wife and two young girls and filed for D after my WS gave him an ultimatum to do so, yet she has not followed through. She say she has told him that should we separate that she doesn't want to be with him either. She only wants to be free to do what she wants when she wants.

I have brought her several printouts from the web site illustating how we can begin to rebuild and that she Must find a new job and end all contact to make it work, yet she still refuses. I have also requested we read through Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving the Affair" together, and discuss each chapter, she has yet to agree. I have also requested a weekly standing date, just her and I, she refuse to do this as well, citing time with our 12 year old son, who thinks the OP and Myself had an argument.
All that said here are my questions:

should I contact the OP's spouse to apply pressure? Even though they are in devorce proceedings. I am told she suspects but does not know.

Should I tell my son the truth? I want to keep an open relationship with him, and don't like lying to him to protect his mothers feeling.

Should I require her to leave the job? I don't care if we lose everything as long as I don't lose her.

How long should things go before Plan B? I love her very much, I cannot bear being without her, even for a short while. I continue to shower her with affection everyday. She says I'm doing everything right now.

I am an emotional wreck. Anti-depressants have helped some, but still up and down despirate for her love and affection in return. HELP! PLEASE?

I would first start by exposing the affair. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because they survive on secrecy. Make a list of exposure targets and expose in one fell swoop in order to get the maximum impact. I would start with the OM's wife, then his parent, your W's parents, key siblings, close family friends and your children. Tell them that your W is in an adulterous relationship and you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their support in doing so.

Secondly, you should understand that your marriage will never ever recover until all contact ends with the OM. She will have to leave the job if there is to be any hope. An affair is like an addiction and she can never withdraw from the drug [OM] as long as she sees him.

Try this first and then we can discuss your options in Plan B. You may very well have to go to Plan B, but first things first.

Also, I am disgusted that your daughter helped her mother hide this affair. I would let her know that she acted terribly by not telling you and by befriending this scumbag.

A must read written by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Fish,

I saw your post back to me on your original thread. No, I think Surviving an Affair is essential...but you said, "she has yet to agree." I meant, why let that stop you from reading it?

I understand about how difficult it is for you to talk to your daughter. That's why I emphasized listening to her instead of talking to her. You don't have to agree with what she's doing in her life, nor guide or direct her. You're also at the stage where she's living on her own, making her own choices, and your role is changing. This will be tough to see for you because of the affair mixing into this and her knowledge. You feel your roles as H and father are changing, some against your will. Difficult time to have both of these major life changes happening at the same time.

Understandable. I feel for you. Doesn't mean you don't have to discern who you are, what your part is and realize your daughter needs you to listen to her feelings and thoughts without judgment. She just needs you to.

Have you found a good counselor just for you?

Hang in there...Melody has good answers above.

LA

Thanks for advise.

I have ordered teh book for myself at least. I have been talking to a pastor.

I asked her this morning why she doesn't want to were her wedding band. She says its because she doesn't feel she is commited to the marriage and it would be a lie for her to wear it. lord knows it was hard not to be a love buster to that statement.

She says she's just not happy. She's a very negative individual. She looks at everything in a negative light. She feels she doesn't deserve to be happy because of the hurt she's caused me, and everyone around her and that she's only living for me and my son because we have done nothing to deserve the pain she's caused me.

We also discussed again this morning the fact that she can never regain the Love she once had for me until she completely cuts all communication. I sited a number of web sites that all say the same. I suggested that, since she's not a reader, that she listen to a couple of the radio shows. I don't know if she will or not.

I have put everything in God's capable hands. I continue to showing her everyday how commited to loving her and working together to correct our marriage and never letting her forget how much she is loved. Only God can change her heart and give her happiness, joy and peace that comes with being his child. I know that must also be reflected in me.

It all so difficult to give and give and daily feel the rejection from to love of my life.

"She's a very negative individual. She looks at everything in a negative light."

She said that?

You're doing well with repeating the no contact to begin recovery and sharing your belief that she will find forgiveness, redemption and feel love again.

I'm happy to know she feels guilt (needs remorse)...after the other threads I follow where they are still blaming the BS for making them have affairs...well, what a relief.

Good sign, even if it isn't changing her over night.

You're doing so well. Have you come up with a great financial plan that will allow her to leave that job and find another without bringing down her standard of living? This might be a love deposit waiting to happen. Goes against my belief that giving up her job would be a natural consequence of the A, but you know what? What matters is recovery and no contact. Worth all the rest, mostly. I didn't have my H quit; he had to ask for a transfer out of there and wait a month to get it. But I did find an entry in his journal, when he was trying to decide on leaving for OW or staying that said, "Do I really want to give up all my possessions for OW?"

Interesting, huh? Uhm...he didn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How long are you planning to stay in Plan A before Plan B?

Did you read where I talk about rejection--seperating out your part from hers so that the pain of it isn't so large?

Adding my prayers to your pile,

LA

I have come up with a plan which would allow us to financially survive for up to 2 months w/o a job in the form of a built up savings account which I have told her is for that specific purpose with limited or no financial sacrifice. She is also aware that our budget could be cut to allow longer.

I do not know how long I can keep going. I haven't really set a time frame for plan A. I think It will have to play it by ear.

The rejection is hard, I enjoy loving her, showing her affection and giving all of me...even with the rejection I keep giving cause it's not about making me happy only her, but how long can I keep such a positive attitude.

Thank you for your prayers. The more the better.

fish, in order for this to work, the affair must be ended. And in order for it to end, it must be exposed. You can't skip the foundation of Plan A and hope to save your marriage. This affair won't end until it is exposed and she won't withdraw from the OM until the affair ends.

I would urge you to follow Plan A if you want to save your marriage and expose this affair.

"giving all of me"

That would hurt and you would feel overwhelmed by the rejection...coming from yourself, Fish.

We make all of our thoughts and feelings available to our spouses..but giving away all of yourself isn't in Plan A or a healthy marriage. Change the image; you're a lake. You're deep, blue-green, full of rich water, shaded with lots of microscopic life and some debris. You ripple, you're beautiful, you reflect and shine; you have your murky moments and lap against ground, some necessary erosion and growth. You are seeing her as draining your lake, all of you...when your very existence, your presence, is more than enough for Plan A.

LA

hey all,

Got to spend a lot of time Sunday. Her thing is that she cannot understand why now "All of the sudden I am puttin forth all teh effort she always wanted". I tried to explain that I've been putting forth the effort for a long time she was only blinded to it....until the exposure. She says she's no longer being physical with him, seems to think that if its not physical its not an A only friendship... WHAT THE HECK. Thinks that she if she comes home everynight and trys to have communication with me that the Love she once had for me will suddenly turn itself back on and overpower the love she feels for the OM... Right I don't know where she comes up with these notions.

Anyway, Tried again to tell her about the plan of recovery. Suggested she go to the Website and read through it, so she might see that we can salvage a marraige that we both could be proud of. Even set it as my home page. She seems so intent on ending everything, Yet so affraid to take the next step either way. I told her I loved her, wanted her, would give a 200% toward making our marriage work, and would continue to show her I loved her and cared for her, however, I was no longer going to try to stand in her way, the decission was hers.

I had dinner with my daughter last night. She and I talked for hours. We put a lot of things on the table got a lot in the open. Found that we were both being told things to prevent us from communication, I guess affraid the truth would come out. Found out that she has been a big advocate in the prevention of more physical contact. I also learned the OM is about to stop trying and move on with his life, seems she has pushed him away recently as much as me. I hope he does!!!!!!

hoping and praying that she will make the decission for us. I don't know what, if anything, else I can do to convince her to commit to bringing us back to "ONE".

Oh book came today.

" I tried to explain that I've been putting forth the effort for a long time she was only blinded to it...until the exposure."

Isn't that like arguing to her question? Telling her she's been blind?

What exposure do you mean?

Many people don't understand about contact. People in the fog really don't get it as a continuation of an A. What's not to get? She doesn't get it yet and you can't make her get it.

Could you consider that all the great things you said about giving 200% to the marriage and your beliefs is your decision? Hers is hers? Can you even stand in someone's way?

I'm so glad you talked to your daughter. That was a big step for you and much admiration here for you stepping up to the plate.

Glad you got SAA, too. A good day! Now, about exposure...

LA

I guess your right about arguing to her question. I just feel like she gave up on me before she really communicated how she was feeling, and as she put's it stopped fighting for my attention. I see that as an excuse as the emotional affair had to have started around the time she first said anything about not feeling the same. (There was alot of one to one time for them at the office). She never really gave me a chance to correct the problems she saw in me.

By "exposure" I mean when I felt I knew after the out of town trip and suggested to her I knew. I think that's when she really started seeing and realized the efforts I had been giving. The A. is now out and exposed family friend and everyone we know is aware. I also, found the other spouse does know.

I don't guess I could stand in her way. I know she's going to make what ever decission she wants. I want to see her happy, but I want to be the one to provide that happiness. I want her to understand that we both made mistakes and that we both must COMMIT to making it work for us to ever get through this and build a loving happy marriage, an Affair proof marriage. We had a long talk about that today, At this point she seems to wanting take the easy way out, to live on her own and not "be" with either of us. My daughter has confirmed this. Its almost as if she feels guilty for being the direct cause for ruining everyones life and doesn't deserve or have the desire to be loved by anyone.

My daughter is awsome. I look forward to a standing "date" with her every Thursday night. She's a good girl... She loves me, feels sorry for him and is pushing him to give up and to move on with his life.

I going to continue Plan A until I just can't bear this load anymore. Please pray for God to give me strength and her to realize what a true gift we were to each other in the beginning and can be again if we are both commited to "wrap" ourselves in each other.

In prayers and mind...

How are you doing now?

LA