Slammed,

I don't know if this helps but this is what I did... since before WH moved out we just had put in additional lock to our main door (it's just a cheap lock often used in the bathroom) to prevent DS3 from going out (that time he was 2 and could reach the main lock, so we added this simple lock on the top of the door), I knew he could not come in from the main door (this lock can only be unlocked from inside). Our sliding door cannot be opened from outside either. So what's left was just the garage door.

Since some of my friends said the same thing, that technically I cannot change my lock because WH was still a co-owner of the house, etc., I initially just changed the code for the garage door. This way, if he wants to I can let him know the new code, but then I can always keep changing.

When WH found out the he could not just drive up and open the garage door, of course he got very mad. But he did not ask for the new code. So after he filed for D, I changed the lock all together. Now even if he figured out the code, he sill won't be able to come inside the house.

Just thought it might help if you want to change your locks...

Milk

Thanks Mimi, Grownup and Milk~
I understand the importance of not letting WH get a home
"fix", just felt like my hands were tied in my not being
able to lock him out.
A LS does not change this, the only way I could "legally"
be able to keep him out of the house is a restraining order
or if the house was in my name only.

The other house is in WH's name only so he can keep me out
of it, not that I've ever had any reason to go over there
or tried to. (It's also in a gated community) Used to think
it'd be really fun to live there and did think WH did a nice
job on the "rehab", but now that OW's been there for over
a month, just the though of it "REEKS" to me and it's no
longer attractive at all.

You are sure right Grownup- WH does have two different sets
of rules. Actually, he always has had different rules for
himself and EVERYone else, so he's been sort of a cake-eater
in all areas of life.
I'm not intending to be any more accommodating than I have to be and am trying to really stand up for myself with this
Plan B and getting my fair share of our land sale tonight.
I'm open to all/any other ideas too ???!

WH has come over to the house very few times since he moved
out, and then he only took some of his things, or dropped
off some financial paperwork, but I realize there's no way
to know if this might change in Plan B.
I've assumed it was a good thing to go "by the book" and be
legal about everything, but do you think I should go ahead
and change the locks, then just "feign ignorance" if WH
tries to get in and makes a fuss about it ?

I'm off to the closing now- will update later or tomorrow.
Slammed

For sure, change the locks.

You will have no need to explain.

Believe me, he is NOT being LEGAL with you.

Make, at least equal, HE doesn't give you free access to HIS house..you do not give him free access to YOURS..

It is YOUR HOUSE..HE does not CHOOSE to live there...

I am a big fan of do-it-yourselfing. Why don't you learn to change the doorknob yourself, then it would only be a few dollars. Plus, if you had to change it more than once, you could afford it.

If it were me, I would change them, if he asked for the key I would give it to him, then change them again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But I'm naughty enough to spank sometimes.

So... let's say you somehow had a key and you let yourself in. He comes home and there you are. You've moved a few things in, since he's using marital assets to live in that house. He calls cops. What's he going to tell them? To arrest his wife for being in his house? You're not even legally separated!

I want to see you pissed off. I want to see you outraged. I want to see you stand up to him and not let him treat you this way. You should've had half of the money from the land sale. Too bad if he's so in debt from his affair and his drunken driving convictions that he wants more money.

I think you're a wonderful person. And I think you way are way too nice for your own good. I hope you gave him the Plan B letter and I hope it really, really gets to him. And I hope he takes it out on the skank he's living with.

And best of all, I hope you find some peace in your life and that you find some healing. You deserve so much more.

Yea.. to NEAK..do something, say something..whatever... but don't give him free access to YOUR HOUSE...

RIGHT ON! Grownup...

It is ESSENTIAL to gain his RESPECT!!!

Well, the land sale closing went fine, and the Plan B
letter has been "delivered".
In typical WH fashion, he asked me "what is this ?" when I
handed him the envelope, and then after a quick glance he
rolled his eyes. I'm not expecting a bad reaction, actually
not expecting any reaction since WH had already gone to "no
contact" with me anyway.

It was too late to do the bank business after the closing,
so I have the check and will deposit it in our account
tomorrow. I will write the checks to pay off my credit card
and car immediately, and WH will withdraw his part and take
care of his credit cards or whatever he's doing with his half. I also gave WH a copy of the "stipulation" and he agreed to get it notarized and send it back to me.

I'm not feeling particularly upset, just really, really
tired, right down to my bones.
I'm pretty good at dealing with stress, but having to deal
with this A lingering on so long, the probable loss of my
job by mid July, thinking about possibly having to sell the
house before too long, money worries, and now having the
health scare is just too much at one time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'll get paid in two weeks, and have had some overtime so
may have enough to pay to get the locks changed.
I did have my Dad look at them (he is very good with "do-
it yourself") but he said they'd have to be "re-keyed" (?)
rather than the doorknobs changed, because of the type of
security door than we have. Currently the three doors are
on one same key, and the two glass sliding doors on another
which was what made it rather expensive.

GrownUp- I don't know that WH would call the police if I
showed up at his house (OW probably would)or what they would
even do except probably just ask me to leave if WH didn't
want me there, I've just seen no point to my going there-
are you saying I should ?
I understand what you mean about standing up for myself and
gaining WH's respect (although I'm not sure he has ever had
any respect for anyone) just don't know anything else I can do ???
** I did what I felt was a very good Plan A for months.
** I exposed as much as possible.
** I've continued on with my own activities, plans, friends,
family, and community involvement as always.
** I've gone on a trip on my own.
** I've taken care of the house, yard, dog and my car on my
own, without asking anything of WH.
** I don't call, beg, plead, bargain, and didn't give in to
WH regarding division of our furniture and the land sale.
** I have continued with my own IC, working on issues for
myself, and have done several other things for "me", like
doing better with diet, exercise, more sleep, a new hairdo,
dressing nicer, doing my nails, etc.
** Have consulted with a lawyer several times to make sure
I was doing what I could to protect myself and our assets,
and not do anything that would backfire on me later.
** I have realized the LB's I was guilty of, and things that
I could do better myself, have apologized and acknowledged
them to WH and have let him know I believed in him, us, and
the changes we could make in order to have a fresh start.
** And now, I've gone to Plan B, hoping it will get WH "off
the fence".

I've run the full gamet of emotions and feelings and have
been very pissed, outraged, disappointed, furious, sad,
hurt, and frustrated with all this and how unfair it is.
I've been frustrated and angry that the laws don't seem fair
for both spouses and that WH has been able to get away with
things that don't seem right, but are "legal".
I'm frustrated and disappointed that the laws of this state
seem to make it very easy to get divorced.
I am very frustrated and angry with my job right now, and
how unfair it seems that you can work hard, be very loyal
and supportive to the company, get high customer service
ratings, repeat customers, referrals, thank yous and gifts,
but have none of it matter except how much revenue you are
bringing in.
I'm angry and upset that I've worked 20+ years and don't
make enough to be able to support myself well or have better
job prospects and have had to have some support from WH.
I'm frustrated that WH came here just 10 years ago, started
in a low paying job and now makes three times what I do !

Sorry just venting ! I better get off the bed~
Slammed

No. Just trying to make the point that you are entilted to do that if you wanted and that your WH's notion that he can keep whatever he chooses for himself is flat out wrong. He bought the house and spent money renovating it while legally married to you. He seems to think that your share of assets is based on your percentage of income and that he's entitled to more because of his excessive debt from his affair and fixing up a nice house for himself. Women who have never worked and are housewives are entitled to half of all assets in most states.

It's his attitude that is outrageous -- thinking that he can have whatever he wants and that you should bankroll it by losing your portion of the assets. If you had gone out and blown vast amounts of money on an affair and on illegal, immoral conduct like DUIs, would he think he should pay for it?

I'm so sorry that so much is hitting you at once. I think that Plan B will give you the space to reflect and find a new path for yourself. I hope that you can be a bit adventurous and take some risks and try something really new and exciting. It would be so wonderful if you could end up in a really great place after all you've been through. The best case would be for you to look back on all this unhappiness a few years from now and realize that without it, you wouldn't be in this great new life. I really hope that happens for you. You do need some time to mourn and give yourself permission to feel really rotten for the unfairness of it all. But please let that fuel you to do something for yourself and use it as a catalyst to move forward into something you may not have even considered before.

I hope that you get feeling better and I hope your WH gets feeeling worse!

Take care of yourself.

Well SAINTS on Bikes!!!

WELCOME TO PLAN B !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seek respite
and build strength...

free from the insanity
free from the chaos....

he's gonna squirm in being cut off from you.....
maybe not at first...

but it will come

ARK^^

GOOD JOB, SLAMMED!!

Yes, now you can rest assured that you have done all that YOU can do.

Bless you,

Mimi

You done good Slammed!

You have done everything...for your WH and M. Now its time for you (and me too.)

(raise your glass) Here's to plan B "clink" may we thrive in peace, be open to adventures and know in our hearts that we are [email]d@mn[/email] good women.

We can do this and we will be better for it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your horoscope for today...Libra right?

Little by little, your confidence is expanding, and you'll see that more clearly than ever today. People are noticing a change in you, although few of them are secure enough in themselves to tell you how impressed they are by your accomplishments. Others may be holding onto a bit of jealousy, but that's their choice and it really isn't coloring how much they do love you. A family member you don't always agree with is ready to see things your way.

Slammed.

You have now entered into planB. At first its a hard place to be, it does get better. There wil lstill be days of wanting to talk to him even into it a few months.

I know you worry about having to move and not having enough money to make it on your own. these are also my struggles I am having. But ya know what you can do it. I am living proof it can be done.

I won't lie to you its scary to think about moving so far away and being alone but for me its the best thing. And believe it or not even though I don't make much money and my STBXWH makes twice as much as I do, I am making it.... May not have all I want but I am surviving.....

You can make it Slammed, I have faith in you...... And beieve me if I can do planB (two full months now best yet) anyone can do it...... I am now a reformed planb failure.

Take care Slammed and good luck to you and God Bless you ....


Hurting

Thanks everyone, for the support and encouragement- it helps

The day has been okay. No contact from WH, which has been
the "norm" lately, but it's more on my mind due to the PBL.
I wonder if WH has read the letter ? If it were me, I would
have, even if just curiosity ! I hope he at least "skimmed"
it, and will keep it to re-read later sometime.

I'm off for a haircut, and am going to pick up some movies
at the video store afterwards. I'm glad I don't have to work
but three full days off also seems long and boring. Weekends
are the hardest for me without H.
Will try to check in later-
Slammed

So how is the "new do"?

Nights are very quiet here too. The kids have gone to bed. This all seems so surreal.
My H missed out on a kid milestone today because of WH. A right of passage. My DD11 shaved her legs for the first time. She had been asking me about shaving her legs and I have been discouraging her to do it, she has very fine blonde hair on her legs. It was very warm here today and she had shorts on. I noticed a rash on her outer thigh...razor burn. OUCH!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> She tried to deny it but I told her I knew exactly what it was and how she got it and that it stings. She admitted it. I told her the next time she wants to shave to let me know and I'll show her the right way.

Next thing you know we'll be buying bras. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Had an okay evening- got a haircut (same style, but always
nice to "freshen it up"), rented a couple of movies for the
weekend, and brought home some take-out.
I've tried to make a list of things to do over the weekend
and also left a message for a friend to see if she'd like to do something.

Realized tonight that prior to the closing yesterday it had
been the longest I'd ever gone without talking to WH in
all our 11 years together, and that makes me feel very sad.
I'm still very curious to know what "changed" when WH quit
calling, stopping by, and asking me to do things a few weeks ago, but presume it can't be anything "good".
Feel like it takes some of the "wind of of my sails" as
far as the PBL, since he had already gone to "no contact"
with me himself, not because of my letter.

I've wondered if WH and OW have become more "serious" and
WH is really trying to "behave" and be honest to see if
things will work out (although even when the A was new and
they were very "hot and heavy" he still called me often and
asked me to lunch sometimes), or if he's being nice with OW
because he needs a ride everyday for the Community Service
project he has to do for 45 days (starts on June 5).
I've wondered if WH has possibly gotten involved with another "ow"? This thought has been partly fueled by my
having the frequent "private calls" which I have thought
might be OW.
I guess the worse scenario is if WH has been gradually
"weaning" himself away from me and has finally broken the
"attachment" and doesn't "need" me anymore, so doesn't need to keep the little bit of connection we still had <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I realize there's no way to know, and nothing I can do about
it anyway, just curious and feeling anxious and concerned
over it...

Thanks for the horoscope Cha Cha - it made me "sound" more confident than I felt, for sure !
Sounds like you are doing well and I'm glad it all worked
out about the baseball game too. Your weekend plans sound
really good and I envy you going to the beach. (if you don't mind to say, where do you live ?)

Funny about your DS11 shaving. Reminds me of myself, so
anxious to shave, wear makeup, bras and all the "girl"
stuff, and how quick the "fun" wears off once you have to
do it ! When my SD13 was last here (Christmas 04) she
was wearing what I'd call a "training bra" and wouldn't
even take the darn thing off to sleep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Guess I'll get off to bed so I have energy to tackle a lot
of things tomorrow. I don't expect to have any attempted
contact by WH- he has never contacted me on the weekend
since OW moved it.

Slammed

LOL! Ooops! DS13 does actually shave...but its his face not his legs! And if he wants a bra well that a whole other discussion!!

Its funny as we were getting ready to go down the shore I was thinking of you...hoping you had something fun to do.

We live in southern NJ about 15 minutes from Philadelphia about 45 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean. It was a beautiful day.

We hung out with our friends for most of the day then thier DD came with us...we hit the boardwalk had Mack & Manco Pizza and boardwalk fries w/vinegar & salt, went shopping and watched people build an incredible sand castle. When we were at the pizza place my son mentioned how this was OWH favorite pizza....and "why haven't we seen them its been like a really long time." Then they were on to the next subject.

Each of the kids have a friend sleeping over. Its busy here. I miss my H.

...I consider us Plan B partners since we started on the same day. I will be here to support you. If you can do it, I can do it and vice versa.

Just because you are not hearing from WH doesn't mean much. He has a complicated history....he doesn't want to need you. I'm not sure that he actually deserves you. I hope you find peace and comfort in plan B.

What are ya doin tomorrow? Want to go to the amusement park w/ us? Its only 4 blocks from my house!

My FWH went through this same phase. During this NC with me, he was on what was like a DRUG BINGE with the OW. I was worried just like you. However, from what I've learned from him and figured out, this was good. This gives the OW opportunity to TRY to meet ALL of his needs and she WILL FAIL. That's why he has wanted to maintain contact with you, in order to cake-eat, you meet some needs and she meets others. He will get the chance to eventually see her for who she really is. He will try to continue to get the HIGH from her but she will not be able to sustain it for him. He may start getting angry..haven't you seen that pattern? If you are not available, the anger cannot be directed at you....



So, yes, in a sense, this is true...if you want to call what they are doing with each other.."serious"...

Why do you want to make this into a NORMAL dating relationship? It is AN AFFAIR!!



Slammed..sorry to say..you did not have him..you LOST him once he became involved with another woman..I would think that you would want ALL of him or NOTHING..Thankfully, for you, you don't have to put up with sharing him with someone else anymore. He is ALL HERS for right now. I say this often. I got to the point where I was totally unwilling to SHARE MY H. Either I had ALL of him or NONE of him. I made this clear to him and HE BELIEVED ME. I eventually told him that I DID NOT WANT HIM UNTIL HE WANTED ME. This is the SELF-RESPECT that you deserve, Slammed. You are more worthy than that CONNECTION you had once he was involved in an affair.

Try to shake thoughts of him out of your mind. I know that it will be hard. I remember thinking, I wonder what they are doing now, etc...Tell yourself that they are certainly not doing anything GOOD or WORTHWHILE..they are wallowing around in a PIG STY....Then set about doing something GOOD or FUN for yourself. Hard to do..I know...

MIMI,

This is exacttly what I needed to read tonight....

I have the same feelings as Slammed......

Seeing how WH is now planb'ing me because he was told to my the bimbo.....

Inf act he told his sister the other day "She " didn't even want him coming to his mothers because she is uncomfortable with it.... I am to close for comfort for her.... He does not want her to know his job had him working 3 houses away from my home last week Talk aboout 2 opeople who are scared and untrustworthy......

Hurting

Like we have said many times, Hurting.

Your WH's relationship with the OW is bound to fail.

The problem for him is that there's a good chance that you won't still be around....