Unless you signed something renouncing your claim to "his" house, it is most likely that half of it is your house, too. Even in the land of fruits and nuts that would be true.

Don't let him push you into anything. If he files, he files, and just let the legal system run its course, then do what the judge says, when he says to do it. Do not back down to that bully.

Slammed,

I agree with everyone ignor his comments and phone calls. If and I mean if he files for the D worry then and get a good attorney.

Sounds like a staged phone call for the OW'S beneift, but who knows. Take this a day at a time. Keep working on you and being happy. I know its hard not to listen to the crap and believe it. Been there d one that and have the tee-shirt for it.

But I do believe one thing slammed, if he does file for a D and even if it does happen one d ay he will see the mess he has made and regret it just like i know my WH will do... Its just gonna take yime Slammed and i am going to say to you what many have said to me, When that time comes his biggest problem will be, Is Slammed still going to be there for me?

This is gong to be the biggest question in their lives at some point in time... I truly believe this. So in the meanntime take care of you and do w hat you need to do to protect you and your love for him.....

Your in my prayers Slammed.

Hurting

Slammed,
Your plan B is intact...this is a good thing. I broke my plan B and have to start all over to reinforce my boundaries that I meant what I said in my PBL. The WS have different tactics (buttons to push) to get a rise out of BS. Mine went for the sweet crumbs (promises) and bleeding in my bathtub. I slipped. Some go for the kids, the dogs, the refi all different buttons. You know you are getting to him...just ignore him.

Like they say plan B isn't suppose to make WS happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

No contact from WH today, but I've sure felt really down
and really hopeless about everything.
Seems like WH is finally "off the fence" and fully in the
yard with OW now, ready to cut all ties, everything "we"
still had together, and like he said, " not have to talk,
see, or deal with me anymore."

I know it's very typical for a WS, but just to hear him
sound so cold, totally uncaring about my welfare, where
I'd live, what I'd live on, his dog, or anything he used
to care about or value, does hurt.
Has seemed at times like he was still "wavering" but then
other times he would seem very "set" like he had worked
very hard to convince himself of something and couldn't
let himself think of anything else- I've supposed that has
had to do with OW too, and how things are with them from
day to day (?)

I always felt like I did a pretty darn good job as a wife, best friend, partner, lover, and spouse,(even though not perfect) and I tried to do a really good Plan A, so I can't really feel like there is anything I could do different, but I still feel like there must be something I did wrong, said wrong, did/didn't do, wasn't skinny enough, didn't
cook well, or something. I guess I'm just trying to find
an explanation that makes SENSE, and there isn't one.
Has anyone else felt this same way ?

I know I can't do anything to keep WH from filing, and
that things can/do still change sometimes even if things
go that far, but right now it feels like the end of the
world. Maybe tonight would just be a good night to take
the dog for the walk, eat some "comfort food", and get
to bed early- my stress level is just so high right now
with everything happening all at once.
Thanks for the prayers, support and suggestions everyone.
Slammed

Slammed:

I just now got caught up on your situation.

I think you need to change your phone number so you don't have to hear him. His contact with you has really gotten you down and, of course, he is not honoring your PLAN B request. Change the number, Slammed. He knows where you work and where you live if/when he is ready to meet your Plan B conditions

I agree with Ark and the others..all blah blah blah..who in the world knows why..

My H told me the same stuff, Slammed. This is the standard script. My H told me..face it's over..move on..I don't love you anymore...ALL BULL..

This is probably all about getting the mortgage on his new house..so that he can qualify..tough luck for him...

Before you believe that it's all over, give Plan B a chance. You've already gotten a big rise out of him. Give it some time and see what happens. If he were so bent on divorcing you, surely he would've filed by now. It sounds like a lot of grandstanding for the sleazebag.

Your husband is incredibly selfish. Just remember that it's not you. He'd be treating anyone he was married to this way. Who knows why he feels this need to be with such a total skank right now. It's definitely a problem that he has and you've done everything you could possibly do to rescue him. You did the best Plan A anyone could possibly do. He has to want to change before you can help him or before you should take him back. Frankly, you're just too good for him right now.

He's probably going through withdrawal from you big time. Before OW moved in and watched his every move, he wanted to be with you, wanted to call you and hang out with you and needed you to help him with his myriad of problems. It really sounds like he always assumed that you'd be waiting there whenever he wanted you, ready to jump the minute he needed anything. Now, he can't get his Slammed fix and it must be driving him crazy. It's one thing for him to choose himself not call you and another for you to tell him to not contact you. He sounds like a little control freak and he wants to hold all the cards and keep you powerless.

Plan B takes that power away from him. Hold on to your power and don't let him have a bit of it. If he wants to sell the house, then he needs to take legal steps instead of this bullying nonsense. Just because he wants to believe he's entitled to whatever he wants -- like the new house -- doesn't mean he is legally entitled to it. I would guess that if you file yourself based on abandonment, that you would get at least half of everything, maintenance payments for a couple of years and he'd probably have to pick up your legal fees. Use free consults to speak to a few different lawyers and see what your options are. The more you know, the less he can push you around and intimidate you with empty threats. He's counting on you just doing what he wants. Don't let him have that power. Force him to get a lawyer if he wants to sell the house so much. Do not talk to him about any legal matters or divorce. Dark, dark, dark!

He also really needs to feel that he is risking any chance of being with you. He needs to see what life will be like with you completely out of the picture. And he needs to obsess about the mortgage. Let him. Let him and his low class girlfriend obsess together and get at each others' throats. If he really didn't want her to move in, think how trapped he must feel. Any pressure you add by not cooperating with his narcissistic schemes will make their fantasy world collapse faster.

Stay dark. Remember that the best way to deal with a bully is to not respond to them. They hate when people just walk away and aren't intimidated. And please do think about changing your number. You need some peace and some time to heal. He's put you through h3ll for a long time now. I really wish you could get away somewhere to escape and get a change of scenery. Think about splurging or letting your folks help and doing something for yourself and getting away. Some distance away from all this would probably do you a world of good.

Hi slammed,
Just checking in.
I hope things are quiet with you...I am looking forward to a quiet weekend. The kids will be with him so he will have no excuse to call me. I could kick myself for letting him break plan B...it was the right button to push.

I think WS's are spoiled brats...they want what they want when they want it. Really what are we asking that is so outlandish? Nothing we have given them a reasonable request... stop having contact w/ person that is interferring with OUR marriage or stop contacting me. PICK ONE.

REMEMBER DARK IS GOOD>>>NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, all ~ I appreciate all of you as "voices of reason" and encouragement. I'm not quite as much in a "funk" today after having a better night's sleep !
I did have two dreams involving WH. In one the OW was
calling me, all upset and mad, because WH had stayed with
her long enough for her to drive him back and forth to his
community service, then dumped her ! (gotta love the
subconscious mind, huh ?) In the second, OW did get her
own place and move out from WH's, but then he got another
new girlfriend= ugh !

Hard to know what is actually going on with WH and OW-
just seems like his going to NC with me, and now pushing
for selling the house and D might mean he's finally quit
"cake-eating" and decided to stick with OW.
I'm not giving up on the plan though, or prayers that the
A will end and WH will be ready and willing to reconcile.

I did talk to a lawyer again briefly to ask a few more
questions. Confirmed that both houses are "marital assets"
if we split, entitling me to "half", however he also did
remind me that also makes me "entitled" to half the debt
as well (drats !) I asked about my thought that it'd be
easier and more practical to each keep "one", than split
and he agreed- (meaning WH would take the new house and
it's realated expenses, and I would keep our current house
and all related expenses. I am not able to afford it, so
would likely have to sell it, then would fight for the
proceeds).
I asked if it mattered who files (no), and if there is a
way to name "adultery" or "abdandonment", or to specify
the OW's name, but he said no, because we are in a "no
fault" state, so all D is considered "irreconcilable diff".
That stinks !
Last thing I found out was that WH is not obligated to pay
on "my" house or related expenses unless there's a court
order. He said that if I filed and asked for one, the court
would likely order it temporarily, but would put a time
limit on it and then I'd either have to take over paying
or sell it. He suggested that since WH is paying, and
would't want to mess up his credit, (and apparently doesn't
know about this) to just leave it "be" at least for now.

I'm going to continue as I've been doing, and hope to NOT
hear from WH. I hate to have to change the phone number
again (just got used to the new one, plus the cost) but if
WH keeps calling I'll have to do that.
He normally has never contacted me on the weekend (his
"babysitter" OW won't let him use the phone), and his full
time community service (an hour drive each way) starts Mon.
so he will be busy, which is to my advantage.

Slammed

Alright, Slammed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You sound so much better. I'm so glad that you found out the real situation with the assets, so the deluded WH can't try to put one over on you anymore.

Does your phone company allow you to block certain numbers? If you can block his various numbers, that would be a solution. If you can't, do you really need your landline? Could you get by with a mobile for a while and then block him on that?

It does sound like he'll be busy working and doing his community service. Wonder how things will go in paradise over the next month or two? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hope you get some much needed relaxation over the weekend. Things will turn around for you, you'll see. Keep up the good work.

Stay dark... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes, it was a better day. Was able to get quite a bit done
at work and received a nice "thank you" note and two gift
cards from clients who appreciated my work on their behalf.

What the lawyer said about the houses was what I thought ,
the only question would be whether or not the "new" house
actually has any equity since it doesn't yet have a mortgage
and may be "upside down". (more owed on it than it's sales
value). Can't determine that without seeing all the loan
paperwork and an appraisal-

Realized last night that WH probably isn't in as good of
financial position as I was thinking. The mortgage on the
new house will be big, along with utilities, phone, cable,
etc. He also has two child support payments to make, still
has credit card debt, and a big car payment. Additionally
he has his daily meds, and the psychiatrist every 3-6 weeks,
and part of his court sentence is that he has to continue in
"therapy" for another 80 weeks or so. Even if he only pays
the insur co-pay, that's $30 per week. If not paid by the
insur, it'll be more like $125- yikes !
Don't think he has much in his bank accounts, and know his
401K is pretty small too-

I may not have as much income and earning power, but at least my car is now paid off, I have no credit card debts,
and I'm not going to get myself in such a big "whole" (I
don't have an OP to "impress" either !!)

I'm not sure about blocking numbers- there may be a way to
do it. I don't know if I'd want to give up my landline as
I don't always have reliable cell service at my house, but
it could be a possible option.

I think WH will be VERY busy, as he has to work 8-5 every
day, and it's about an hour drive each way too, which will
make for long days. He's also got to keep up with some of
his bank work and accounts, so will have to do some of that
on evenings and weekends, which will probably require that
he go into the bank. He still drives some (license is
suspended) but he can't drive to the community service as
he'd be busted on the spot, so must be planning on OW to
drive him- which will get OLD real quick, I'd think.
Plus, lots of gas expense...
Perhaps this will help "burst the bubble" even more....

I'm going to watch a movie and relax tonight, have to work
tomorrow morning, and will try to do something with friends
as well as the usual housework, yardwork, errands, etc. on
the weekend-
I love the idea of going somewhere, and may check into a
quick trip to CA, especially if I can get a friend to go-
just have to consider the budget.
Slammed

La La Land doesn't sound like so much fun to me! Glad I don't live there. I'm glad today is better for you. No plan B slips today...although DD gave it her best shot.

How was your weekend?
I had more plan B trouble....

Here's your horoscope for today:

Yours is one sign that knows the value of compromise, but don't be too quick to negotiate -- in this case, you're totally in the right. Stand strong and affirm what you know. A solution will appear when you give it time.

Just thinking of you I hope all is well.
(((((slammed))))))

Hi Slammed...just checking in...plan B is quiet. I don't really have the energy to post to the new members in crisis.I figure just cause we are not in crisis (thank God) doesn't mean we don't need support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for "stopping by" Cha Cha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The weekend was okay. I was very tired after a long week
and had to work Sat morning, but did have some fun later
going out to lunch, shopping and running errands.
Bought a juicer, thinking that it might help me
with getting my immune system "up" (or at least be
fun).
Rented and watched "Shopgirl" that night (not an affair
story, but had an interesting "take" on a relationship
and the feelings of both people afterwards that was
somewhat comforting). Sunday I did lots of housework,
laundry, and some yardwork, took my parents out to lunch,
and ran more errands. Saw that WH had called the home
phone that afternoon, but there was no message.

This week, so far, has been really busy at work.
Plan to do a few things around the house and get to
bed earlier tonight- tired !

You're right about it sounding like no fun in fantasy-
affair world, since WH started his 45 days of "community
service" yesterday !
He has to work 8-5 Mon-Fri. and the place he has to report is about an hour away, so will make for long days with the extra driving. He also has to keep up with his accounts and work at the bank, so will have to return calls and do some work on that at night or on the weekends.
Since he can't drive himself, I assume OW is going to have
to be his transportation- can't really think of any other
options he'd have.

Can't help but hope that this 45 days will bring on LOTS of
BIG LB's !!
Hope that having to get up early will mean getting to bed
early too, meaning short evenings, no time for "fun", WH
having to do some work, and no time for SF ! Hope early
mornings will make them both grouchy, WH will be tired of
having to depend on OW for a ride and being even more under
her "thumb" all the time, that OW will be sick of all the
driving, and they will be too tired and WH too busy to do
anything on weekends ! WH also has to continue his weekly
therapy, so that's another night he'll be busy.....

I've wondered if WH was truthful about not wanting OW at his
house, but felt obligated because he was going to need her
for transportation ?
Also wondered if his big rush in past weeks to sell the house or D was motivated by OW putting a "squeeze" on him (get that house sold and a divorce or I am not giving you a ride), or just by him knowing he was going to be really busy for 45 days and wanting to get it started before hand ?
Just thoughts...

I'm glad he'll be busy now and hope it leaves OW feeling
very bored, frustrated, disappointed and lonely... maybe she
could get back on the internet and find another man... like one that isn't someone else's husband !!!?? Don't know if all this will end up being a big negative and bundle of Lb's
(I hope so) or might make them closer because WH will feel
"grateful" to OW for helping him, and she'll suck that up-
ugh !? And, hope it might give WH a change to break of the "fog", do some clear thinking, and get a good glimpse of OW and the mess he's made of his life.

At least he'll be busy and out of town every day (weekdays)
so hope he won't have time to think about or do anything
about the house or D paperwork !
Slammed

Well, just finished a busy work day, and am ready to head
home. I was planning to wash the car and later walk the dog
but it's starting to look stormy, so will have to see how
the evening goes...

WH left a voicemail today, saying he couldn't email me since
he has no access to a computer now (since I asked that he
keep correspondence limited to email when necessary)but he
wondered if our tax refund had come yet, and if not "could
I please check on the status of it ?"
Then said he had started his Community Service Monday (as
I knew he was) and he had been assigned to the "Parks and
Recreation" department, so would mostly be working outside
doing a variety of things, including mowing, etc...
Well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> at least he'll get a tan. If I remember right,
his IC is tonight, so it'll be a long day..(all the better
for LB's with OW, right ?) Do you all think his situation
is going to cause lots of LB's, or make WH and OW "closer"
????

Was interesting today - I got a call from a co-worker of WH.
She said she had been talking about taking a trip one day
at the bank, and that WH had told her I was "an expert" on
that area and she should call me for help with planning, so
she was calling to ask for my help.
Don't know how long ago this conversation took place, but
it sounded like it was pretty recent, so I was surprised to
hear that WH had given me a "referral" !?
I don't think anyone at WH's work knows we are seperated,
as he is very private. All they apparently know about his
being out of the office while he does his Comm. Service is
that he's on some "out of office project". (although his boss - who is the bank owner- and the HR director do know
what he's doing since they had to approve his being gone).
Slammed

hey slammed

just checking in on you

Remember stay DARK!

He is missing you and testing the waters.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Hi Slammed,

I have not been logging in for a while, but just read your recent postings. First, congrats on delivering your PB letter! Second, I feel that your WH is angry because for the first time he is not controlling you.

And the way he left his nasty messages sounds so similar to my WH did. In their screwed up (excuse me, but that's true) mind, they are ALWAYS victims, and if we are making things harder for them, we are the bad guys. My guess is that because you are not speaking to him and appearing to be stronger, WH is suspecting that you now decided to "fight" by making things harder for him, including the house sale. And you know what, he got that right! You should not make it easy for him! What is he thinking...., well, he is not thinking. He is only thinking about himself.

Since you have been such a good, loving wife to him, he is probably in great shock that you are doing this to him. That you are not speaking to him, not returning his calls, and standing up for your own happiness and rights! He may try to scare you even more, but don't take the bait. We ALL know that once you two are going to get D, he will have to split the house he and OW live, and you will gain. So sit back and relax. When he will be in such stressed scenario, the past experience suggests he would be grouchy and his relationship will go sour. I don't think OW is capable of maintaining a stable household.

Regardless, at least you do not have to deal with him, which I know makes things easier. Stay strong!

How is your job situation? I have been working hard, and luckily have gotten some positive feedback from my boss, and I may be able to keep it. Also, it turned out that the place I had interviews with got back to me and I met three more people. They want me to meet four more people though.

Like Mimi suggested, can you look for something that is not sales driven?

Milk

Thanks ChaCha and Milk-
Haven't been able to post as much as I've been super busy
at work trying to do all I can to keep my job, and my lap-
top at home is so slow and aggravating that I tend to not
use it much anymore.

Rest of the week has been "dark" as far as WH.
The message he'd left about the taxes was pretty "business-
like", so truly may have just been him wanting to know the
status of our refund (and maybe he's needing money) rather
than him needing a "fix" of me. I did check on the status
(both are "pending"), but now that he has no access to email
(while he's doing his Comm Svc project) it doesn't do any
good to send him a message about it. Should I call his cell
at a time I think he is busy with his "project" (and can't
answer the phone) and leave a short, business-like response?

I received statements from our insurance this week and can
see that WH has been going to his IC the past few weeks-
(good if she has him back to working on his issues, bad if
he is continuing to vent, blame me, make excuses and justify
his A there). Also looks like the IC has filed an appeal w/
our insurance asking that they approve more sessions of IC
for him. There was a chance that he was going to be "court
ordered" as part of his DUI sentence to have more, so that
may be what's happening-

I can't decide if I think his doing this "project" and all
the necessary resulting "closeness" with OW is going to hurt
the A, or help it ?
I assume OW is driving WH back and forth everyday, which
could mean both are tired and grouchy from the early days,
tired of the drive and extra gas used, WH would have to be
very dependent on OW, OW could be resentful of having to
take him everywhere, and their evenings are probably short
since there's the extra drive, then WH having to keep up
with some of his work from the bank...
OR, maybe WH is all full of "gratitude" and feels that OW
is being a great support and help, and she feels like his
"rescuer"- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (hope he remembers OW was WITH him when he
got the DUI- not a great "friend" in my book-)

I know there's no way to know what's happening with them-
just feel a bit down tonight, thinking that he will be off
for the weekend (doesn't have to do his project on Sat/Sun).
so they'll probably be going out to eat, running errands,
doing something fun on the weekend...
I know, I need to not think about it-
Luckily, WH has rarely ever tried to reach me on weekends,
even when we were "talking"- especially since OW moved in,
which I assume is because she's with him all the time. So,
I am not too worried that he'll try to contact me-

I tried the new "juicing" several times this week, which was
sort of fun, but didn't do that well on getting more sleep
so am tired tonight. I hope to get some extra sleep, get
some things done around the house and yard, clean the car,
run errands, and plan to also relax and hopefully go out w/
friends to dinner or a movie.

Milk- You are right in that my WH and yours think so much
alike ! They are both used to get things their way, think
they are always right, and get mad and unreasonable when
someone challenges them or doesn't agree.
Yes, Plan B does make for a little less stress since I don't
have to hear anything from WH. Since he had stopped calling
and asking me to do things some time back, before I went on
"B", it hasn't seemed too much different. May have missed
the best "momentum" when he first moved out of our house,
but some circumstances, like our land sale and him going out
of town due to his Dad's health delayed it, and then OW
moved right in....
I am honestly a bit surprised that he hasn't fussed, come
around, tried to get my attention, or seemed to care about
my PB and the letter, but think part of it was his being
very preoccupied with his legal issues and preparing to do
this project he has to do now, as well as OW being on him
like "glue" and monitoring his every move.

Thanks for asking about work. I've been trying my best to
take every customer, every lead, push my sales up, and show
that I'm making every effort. Didn't make the sales level
I was supposed to for May however- and June isn't looking
too great so far. I am trying to check on other options as
I continue to try as hard as I can here. Glad yours is
looking up !
Slammed