A mostly quiet, "low key" weekend here- did housework, yard-work, errands, laundry, some shopping, went out to lunch, and to a movie with friends.
Last night we had very stormy weather, which always causes
my dog to act crazy, and unfortunately while I tried to get
her to calm down, she bit my hand badly.
Got the bleeding stopped, cleaned it up, and took some pain
meds so I could sleep, but right after it happened I just
layed down on the floor and cried- not only from it having
happened and the pain, but also anger, frustration and the
hurt that WH was not there where he could help with the dog,
or help or comfort me.
Hate that he's still the first person I think of when I have
a good day, bad day, hard time, good news, etc.... because
he just doesn't seem to give a "hoot" about anything to do
with me or us !

Today my hand was very stiff and so sore I wondered if the
bite might have broken a bone, so I went to the Dr.
Luckily, no fractures- they just said to expect it to be
very sore and stiff for awhile, to put on ice and elevate
as possible to help with swelling, got RX for some more
pain meds, and a tetanus shot- yuck! I'm feeling down and
kinda sorry for myself now, so am thinking of going out to
dinner at my favorite place, even if I have to go by myself!

Nothing from WH- he just seems so distant and gone from me
and our life now that he seems almost like a stranger.
Guess I'd have felt a little better if he HAD tried to make
contact, see me, or do anything that showed he cared or
wondered a bit about Plan B or what I was doing- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
From my end anyway, it seems like he is content with living
at the other house, with OW, and with life coasting along,
as is-

Hope it's not another stormy night- doesn't help my mood!
Slammed

Find a friend to go to dinner with. Too much of a bummer to go alone. Maybe find a friend who is feeling low -- so you have someone to cheer up!

Your Plan B is going well. You are going through the withdrawal pains that will make you stronger than what's happened to you.

BSs always want the WSs to contact them -- to make them feel loved, and, frankly, to extend the game. But Plan B means you are checking out of the game. So it's good that you didn't get any temptations to reinvolve you in the drama.

For so long, the drama WAS your life. In Plan B, you will have to reconstruct a life on sounder foundations, with more enduring concerns. He gets to keep the drama.

I always find books help. Some good biographies of older, productive women who led amazing lives. Indira Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Mother Theresa, Hildegard of Bingen.

Hi Slammed,
Sorry to hear about your hand I hope it feels better really soon. How is you dog today?

Don't be discouraged with no contact attempts by WH. He is thinking of you I'm sure....he's trying not to. Given the circumstance the more that is required of OW the more she can fail. It may not feel like it but I think you are way ahead of the rest of us.

I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Thanks A.M. and ChaCha,
Had an okay evening- I did get to meet a friend for a nice
dinner, then relaxed a bit at home, iced my hand, and got
to bed earlier. Luckily we had rain but it wasn't stormy,
so the dog was calm and behaved for the evening.

Wasn't in pain, but didn't sleep very well (may have been too warm) and had an "x-rated" dream that I was with "some
guy" (don't know who it was !) which made me feel strange
when I woke up !
My hand is less stiff and a little less swollen today but
my whole arm feels sore and tired- partly the tetanus shot
too I'd guess.

Had one new thought about the situation with WH and the OW-
realizing that no matter how bad things might be going (?)
he is not likely to make any changes or do anything that
would "rock the boat" right now, as he needs her for his
daily transportation !
Also started thinking about the way H/WH has tended to
"operate". He is a person who typically just "coasts" along
without doing much to make changes until he gets to quite a
"boiling point", and then he does something drastic.
Maybe that explains a bit about the A continuing on despite
lots of LB's, and issues (at least in my wishful thinking) !
I sure do hope OW is "failing" and that everyday is making
both WH and OW think "is it worth it ????!!!"

With all the worries I have at the moment (hand, job, money,
mammogram,etc..) at least WH isn't on the "front burner"
all the time !

Slammed

Hi Slammed,
Just checking in.
I'm thinking of taking belly dancing lessons...wanna come? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Slammed, I have been one of the many people following your posts. I have to tell you that through all this time I have seen such courage and hope in you that it is amazeing. I never really went to plan B because I did not know of MB's at the time of DH's affair, and now we have been in recovery, well, can't really say that because it happened 7-8 years ago and really isn't an issue with us anymore. Anyway, I have had innumerable biopsies, mammagrams and ultrasounds. And out of all of them only one was possitive. Am a three yr breast cancer survivor now! I'm sure it is nothing, and if not there are so many treatments and options now that the risks are so much lower.
Please take care! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Did you do/get results from the follow up mammogram yet?

Hi Slammed,

How are you doing and did you hear anything back about your mammogram? Please let us know. I'm praying that it's nothing.

I'm very sure your WH still cares and thinks of you. But at the same time, I am sure he will hide such emotions for now. He sounds like a very proud person, so he won't show you his weakness.

For now, please take care of yourself and just think of yourself.

Milk

Thanks all,for the thoughts and support.
Posted a long reply earlier and got "we cannot proceed"
when I tried to post- that is so aggravating !

I went for the repeat mammogram yesterday. They showed me
the picture with the "suspicious" spot, which they thought
was a bit of a "sunburst" shape, causing concern that the
"fingers" out from the area could be something spreading.
They took some new xrays, and had them reviewed while I
waited, then came back and said the angle in the new photo
looked less suspicious, and just the same as my last year's
mammo, so they thought everything was okay- they just said
to make sure I got another one next year.
Left feeling some relief, and hoping that they are indeed
right and everything is okay.

My hand injury is now in the lovely yellow/green stage of
bruising but is less sore and stiff now. It was looking like
it was starting to get infected last night, so I've been
diligently cleaning it and it looks better now. My arm is
pretty sore (tetanus shot) but I guess that's normal (the
nurse said it'll "feel like a flu shot", but since I'm such
a needle-phobic, I've never had one !!)

Had my IC last night and left feeling a little discouraged
over a couple things IC said. She said she had started to
wonder if WH was feeling like he "deserves" to "move up" in
the world, due to his income, position, title, etc... and
thus his having the new "fancier" house, expensive SUV, and
"trophy" girlfriend. (very fitting with the theories of
"entitlement" and MLC both, which seem to fit WH). If this
is true, made me feel like I can't "compete" because I'm
part of the old, "normal" life and not "fancy" enough.

Also, she said she didn't think that WH was going to leave
OW because it seems that despite all the strikes against
them, the lies on both sides, their "stormy" relationship,
and things he probably does not like about her, there is
something he does like keeping him there (she mentioned it
might be the sex).
I said I just didn't understand what OW was getting out of
it or why she'd stay with WH since she knows he lied about
almost everything when they met and since, and has seen for
herself that he has issues, mental illness, alcohol issues,
etc. My comments was "is she really that stupid, really
naive, or does she know and see it but just not care" ??
IC said she thought maybe WH liked being with someone who
is naive and not too smart, because he can be the "smart one" and she buys everything he tells her, unlike me who
doesn't fall for or agree with everything he says- ?

I realize these are just her opinions, but it still made
me feel down, especially when there's been no contact from
WH and no signs that the A is cracking...

Feel funny about the upcoming Father's day (I always gave
WH a card from the dog). His own daughter has not normally
done anything for him, and I'm sure she probably won't this
year since she' mad and basically "disowned" him. Also, WH
birthday is next week- I'm sure OW will have a "big deal"
for him, but I'll miss buying him a gift, taking him to our
favorite place for dinner, and spending the day with him.

I'm off to walk the dog and will try to get to bed earlier
again. I have to work at my office Sat. morning and then
at my company's "booth" at a street festival the rest of
the day- so will be a busy weekend.
Slammed

Glad everything came out good medically for you. Hang in there and be patient.

Hi Slammed,
I'm glad the repeat mammogram was improved.

I get that "we can't continue" message when posting occassionally, always after a long thoughtful post...I've gotten in the habit of copying the post to paste it just in case, sometimes you can hit the back page button and retrieve it.

I'm not a therapist but....trading up? Like trading up w/ DUI, lawyer bills and court dates or community service or Big SUV he can't legally drive. I agree he probably feels superior to her...being dumb as dirt. It will get old, she will become an embarrassment for him at work. No offense to the IC but I don't think this is permanent relationship, there are more crisis to come. I don't think she can handle it.

Just my opinion.

Thanks, Believer. It's a relief to at least have one less
thing to worry about (the mammogram), and if only all the
other problems could be solved as quickly...

Have been thinking about the situation with the house and
still have mixed feelings. I know that it will have to be
sold eventually, whether I'm going it alone, or back with
H, as I can't afford it and don't need a big house/yard if
it's just going to be me and the dog, and if back with H
we'd live in the other house.
Makes sense to put it for sale in the summer, but I guess
I just don't feel "ready" yet. It feels like it's the last
thing that H and I had together and it would be getting rid
of all the special times and memories. Also, until I know
about my job, I'd have no way to know what I could afford or
to qualify to buy something else. Wish I had the money to
just pay for it without WH's help, as that'd make me feel
more control over the situation, and I could do things on
my own pace and timing. Just hard to feel like I can do a
"true" Plan B, when I have to be dependent on WH for help
financially.
I will have some money soon (federal tax refund) which I could use for awhile on living expenses, but don't know if
it would be smart to do that, or better to keep it in case
I'm out of work for awhile or need it to put down on a new
place, etc.
I'm also wondering, if I did sell this house and get a new
place of my own, does that make the chances of reconciling
less likely ? make any difference ? If I bought a place
then we reconciled and I needed to sell it, would that be
a big loss financially ?

Off the subject, but heard a great quote in a Hallmark
movie last night-
"Though none go with me, I will go forward,
No turning back
No turning back".
Don't know where it's from, but I thought it was beautiful
and meaningful.

Slammed

slammed, i'm glad the mamogram results were good

i too have all those feelings about my house so i understand

Would ya? I don't know that I could live in the house w/OW stench. Do what is best for you. If you reconcil you could get a new place to start over w/o stench!

Thanks Eav and ChaCha,
It is a relief having the medical worry off my "stress"
list- too many things going on at once ! I am trying to
just take things "one day at a time, one worry/problem at
a time", but sometimes it's been overwhelming !

Thought about what the IC has said, and while I do think
that WH has always had a big sense of "entitlement" and
definitely "reeks" of MLC, I still hope and believe that
the prime "connection" to the A and OW is the "addiction"
like the rest of the WS.
I hadn't thought much about sex being the big issue or the attraction with OW, as H was not one with a very high libido
(at least with me) which I attributed at least partly to
his having been on AD's for years (all of which say "may
cause sexual side effects like low libido"). Maybe WH thinks
SF with a wife is too "ordinary" and "normal" or I'm not
"freaky enough"- from what OW has told me and the photos
she sent, she does seem "freaky" to me !

I think you are right, ChaCha, in that WH may like it that
OW is stupid and/or naive, because it lets him be the "big,
smart, all-knowing man", and probably makes her admire him,
which he would like. When you think of all he's given up
and had happen to him in order to get this though, it's a
BIG price to pay for a supposed "upgrade".

Slammed

Hi Slammed,

Oh, I am so happy to hear that your mammogram results came okay. I need to take some medical exams myself since I haven't done it for so long...

I felt the same way about the house, but I don't think it would make any difference. Besides, if he is the kind of person who WOULD come back to you simply because of some sentimental thoughts about the house, he would have been back already, don't you think? Right now, probably nothings really matters to him. I don't agree with your IC either, in terms of "trading up" with OW. The only thing she offers is that she is new (= exciting) and younger (= more fun). But people do not stay married for excitement and fun - they can be a big plus, but you need more than that.

Do take care of yourself and do whatever is best for you. Financially, if you sell the house and buy something now, unfortunately most likely you will face much higher interest rates, depending on when you last refinanced. But IF your WH comes back, don't you think you will not care whether you have higher rates or not? And if he does not, then you will be better off having a smaller and more affordable place, especially when you are worried about your job. You do not need any additional stress.

Milk

Thanks, Milk-
I think most of my resistance in selling the house is my
putting a lot of sentimental value on it, as well as just
the daunting thought of packing, cleaning and moving, as
well as having to find a new place.
I realize putting it up for sale wouldn't necessarily mean
it would sell anytime soon- there have been several homes
in my neighborhood sitting for a long time without selling.
I just want to make sure I'd have a plan in case it did sell
quickly, because I have to have a place to go-
I could stay at my parents, but really don't want to unless
that's my "last resort" just because I feel like it'd be
kind of awkward and uncomfortable. There also wouldn't be
much space there, so I'd have to put all the furniture and
stuff in storage, and the dog would really mess up their
yard, which would probably not make them too happy.

I don't think WH feels sentimental about the house at all-
don't know if he was anxious to sell it purely because he
wants to be out of paying the monthly bills, if he thought
it'd make it easier for him to get a loan, or if he just
doesn't want to have anything left "tying" us together ..?
Even if we got back together, he wouldn't want to come back
to our current house- he wants to live in the other house.

I think you are right about OW just being "different"- I
sure don't feel like she is "better"- in any way, shape or
form. She is only one year younger than me also, and a year
older than WH, which I wouldn't think would matter much-
If what WH thought he wanted was "fun and excitement", I
just don't understand why he didn't put some effort into
doing that in the M, instead of looking elsewhere... but
then you know his "logic" doesn't make much sense.

Hope your weekend is good-
slammed

Hi Slammed,

It's been incredibly hot and humid here in Chicago..., I was out doing some yard work in the morning and got really tired very fast.

I did not know OW was only a year younger than you, okay, then really, the only thing she offers is that she is still new to WH, that is all. She is crazy, unstable, mean, untrustworthy, and unsophisticated - maybe flip sides of these could be "fun", but again, do you really want to have a spouse who is only good when it comes to "fun"??? Life is about reality, and if she cannot even offer stability to their lives together, a guy who has many mental issues like your WH cannot have a stable, comfortable, and welcoming home with her. Yeah, a common sense tells he should just try to improve the area he feels missing (if that is "excitement and "fun" in life) in his life with you, but again, he is not thinking like that. He wants an instant solution (is he impatient?), which is just to look for a replacement. What he does not know or does not WANT to admit is that it is not the long-term solution. He keeps running into his fantasy world...

You sound calm, which always impresses me. Today DS3 is at WH's, so I am going to work a little bit this afternoon and then tonight I am going out with my girl friend for dinner and a movie.

Have a nice weekend,
Milk

Hi slammed just checking in. I hope you didn't melt over the weekend it was really hot here.

I got good news...(see my thread). Its funny I was thinking how they talk about the 2 year time period. We just passed the 2 year anniversary of the "I love you but I'm not in love w/ speech" I'm looking forward to my session w/ SH tomorrow.

Thanks, Milk.
I do wonder if the "drama" and constant "stormy" nature of the A might be what WH finds "exciting", as opposed to the
calm, stable, "real life" life we had together. It's come
at an awfully high price though, and you'd think drama all
the time would get old after awhile....

Cha, Cha-
So glad to hear about the NC letter ! Sure wish my WH would
get out of the fog enough to see what he's missing and join
the rest of us in "reality" land versus fantasy-affair land.
I'll be rooting and praying for ya !

Had an okay weekend- I worked at my job Sat. morning, then
at our booth at a downtown street festival in the afternoon.
That was somewhat fun, but got hot and tiring quickly. Also
gave me a real sense of "deva ju" as I worked at it last
year and when I came home WH had gone out, supposedly with
a guy he knew, but I suspected it was some OW, maybe even
someone he'd met on the internet- and never have known the
true story. (It wasn't the current OW, as they had not yet
met) Made me sad to realize that this *crap* has been going
on for a whole year now- ugh.
I had thought of going to a movie with friends that night,
but was so tired and hot I didn't feel like doing anything
so just stayed home, ate something, relaxed and watched a
movie at home.

Sun. I did laundry, housework and errands, and had my Mom and Dad over for lunch/Father's Day. With their help, I
was finally able to get my stereo cabinet up from the garage
to bedroom, so I set up my new DVD player and stereo. Will
be nice to finally enjoy them.
Felt a little sad thinking of WH on Father's day. Not that
we have kids, but I did use to give WH a card or little gift
from the "dog". His D13 didn't usually do much, but has sent
a card a few times or at least called, and I'm sure she
didn't this year since she has "disowned him". I hoped he
thought of that and that the A has cost him that relation-
ship too.

Today is WH's 39th birthday, so I've felt sentimental again
today. Thought of all the past years together and our usual
birthday "ritual" - me sometimes baking him a cake, taking
him out to dinner at his favorite place, then his opening
gifts from me, the "dog", my parents, and his parents.
I hope he will think about it too, and miss it, although I'm
sure OW probably did something for him. (I think she told me
her birthday was around the same time as his, so maybe they
are having a joint "celebration"- yuck)

I have no idea how his community service project is going,
other than it's been very hot lately, so if working outside
he's probably having long, tiring days.

Think I'm gonna stop and pick up a nice, big salad for my
dinner and maybe do some yardwork or something tonight-
Slammed