Thank you mimi - people like YOU on this board helped me grow!!!

Thanks all~
Made it through the weekend, which seemed especially long as
we had very cool, damp, weather, already feeling like fall !
Did a few things around the house, laundry, caught up the
budget/checkbook so I could send WH to monthly bill email,
and went to dinner and a movie with a friend. Saw "Little
Miss Sunshine" which was really cute ! The same friend and
I also started a new diet today, so will be busy keeping up
with that~

A.M./Mimi-
I know it's impossible to understand the why/how/when and
where of this whole mess since the WS defies logic and I
can't possibly think like WH's foggy, bipolar, OW addicted
head. Have had to realize and accept that and just tried to
come to a "supposed/assumed" understanding that could make some sense to me and let me not keep dwelling on it. I've been sticking with my personal "theory" for all this time,
at least felt pretty "settled" for the most part, but his
now pushing for D again really was unexpected and very much
"unsettling".

I've worked on self esteem issues in many ways for a long
time and felt I had come a long way on that until the A hit.
Losing my job too, has been a big blow as well. I continue
to work on myself in IC, and doing all I can to find peace,
energy and strength in just myself.

ChaCha- Hope you are continuing to make progress towards
recovery and feeling more confident about it every day.
Sure wish my WH would "see the light" and realize that we
CAN change and make a new life together- seems to be very
much convinved that things can't change, things can't be
different or perhaps that it's just too much effort !?
Don't know anymore what the status of the A is since the OW
moved out from WH's, but I have to assume this is still at
least part of WH's lack of interest in me or M.

Milk-
Sorry that your WH is back to his old games as well. Seems
both our WH's keep repeating the same cycles over and over,
even when it gets them nowhere, does not make them happy,
and has no chance of success. I don't see how even WH could
view his year of involvement with OW as anything but a huge
disaster, but it sure hasn't kept him from continuing on...

I tried very hard all weekend to NOT think about WH or the
situation, and did not dwell on it, although the heartache
was always there. Had a few tough times where I would come
to hard realizations that maybe I really am going to lose
H, home, life, family, all that has been everything to me
for so many years, and that was hard, as I've still held
out hope that things would change. I've exhausted all I
can think of, and after many months of what seemed like a
good Plan A, and now 3 months of Plan B, nothing seems to
have changed, improved, or made any difference.

Feel kind of like a "sitting duck", knowing I may be served
anytime now, but nothing I can do about it, so I am just
going about my normal day and schedule, and sticking with
Plan B.
Am very disappointed I've heard nothing back from the Travel Coordinator job I really liked after I thought the
interview seemed very promising. Have had no other good
prospects, and am getting very frustrated, bored, and very
concerned about my finances as this drags on.
Have to go downtown to court this afternoon to deal with the
speeding ticket I got a few weeks ago, more expenses ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

Slammed,

I just caught up with your thread. I am so sorry about the conversation you had with your WH. it mirrored one of the last conversations I had with mine.

I know its hard to believe they will go so far but alas they do sometimes. I like you never would have dreamed it would happen but it did.

Let me tell you now as much as it hurts, you will get though it. I was so scared of the divorce process and seeing the WH in court and actually hearing a judge say your marriage is over. But you know what as I looked at my EXWH in the courtroom I realized this was not a person I knew or even liked anymore. This was not the man I married so I was better off without him.

I won't lie to you I wish things had turned out different and he had come home and we could have been together again. But since that didn't happen I am learning that being by myself without the selfish WH is a blessing.

Believe me his life is not what he thought it would be. he has a 16 year old son living with him who is giving him ******. A OW who is controlling and manipulative and has to know his every move because she is afraid he may speak to me. Example last night he wad at his sisters home 5 houses from where i live to pick up the two dogs and she was on the phone making sure he was not here where i was. He is having to pay me alimony every month and pay lawyers bills.. As his mom told me last night he looks like he$$.

So for someone who faught so hard for his freedom he is not the one free of the drama and chaos, its me. I have no one to answer to but myself and God. I am happy in my job and am looking for a place to call my own. I am excited about fixing my little home up and having it be all mine.

So see Slammed as hard as this is and as much as it hurts in the nd you will be the one doing fine. You will not have the guilt of being the one who broke your marriage vows. You will have the freedom to do what you want and be happy. Yes there will still be sad times but it comes less and less.... I know exactlly how you feel right now but it will get better..... Stay away from him and his conversations.... I have only spoken one time to my EXWH since March and that was about our DS and let me tell you its been a blessing...

I am praying for you ...

Hurting

Thanks, Hurting. Your thoughts, words and prayers are much
appreciated.

Had a hard time feeling motivated or energy to work on the
job search and didn't get much accomplished. My emotions
varied wildly, from my feeling okay at times, to feeling
sick to my stomach and tearful. Had to go downtown to the
court on the speeding ticket I got a few weeks ago, and
while I was glad it was reduced down to "zero" points, I
did still have to pay the fine and court costs, which was
$120 I really don't have for something like that...

Had two distinctive thoughts about why WH is now deciding to
do this, and while there's no way to know which is right,
and nothing I can do either way, these are my thoughts:

I've wondered what has been going on with WH and OW since
OW moved out of WH's house about a month ago but have to
assume they are still involved since I was getting calls from the OW just recently. I had hoped they finally ran
"out of steam", got tired of the lies, the games, and realized they couldn't sustain a relationship for more than a couple months without breaking up/making up, but perhaps when OW moved out it was an "ultimatum" that she would no longer see WH until he D. ??
If so, it doesn't speak very well for WH having much dignity, courage, or ability to see past the manipulations, games and control of the paranoid OW !

My other thought was that WH has actually convinced himself
that he's better off "on his own", still firmly believes
that his unhappiness and discontentment were me/ the M,
and this is why he is unwilling to reconcile, not interested
in MC, "doesn't want to change", and says he doesn't want
"to be married". Can it be that it's not the OW, but that
WH really likes having his own house, his own things, his
own things, no committments, can do what he wants and that
is enough to make him give up his best friend (me), nice
home, dog he loved, fun times, trips, plans, etc ????
We did everything together, didn't fight, had fun together,
talked about our future dreams and plans, so what was so
bad about that ?? I get the feeling that WH thinks his
feelings for me are gone and not recoverable, and that maybe
too much time or too many things have happened.

When I think of it now, I think it seems like WH has been
trying to "wean" away from me and our life for a long time
now- like having his own place, wanting all new things and
none of "our" stuff, getting his own dog, starting to pay
his own bills, gradually bringing more things from our house
to his, no longer wanting help with his meds/Dr appt/IC,
etc. so perhaps he was slowly making the adjustment, and
hoped he could just "disappear" ? I do think in our talking
last week that he even said something like "I am trying to
distance myself from you and Gracie (dog)".

I wonder if WH is in such a hurry because he finally got
"off the fence" where he was cake-eating for so long, made
his decision, and now wants nothing and no one to change his
mind ?? Could he be afraid to remember the good times, our
life, things he misses, and this is why he never wanted to
talk about thing or hear about them (or is it guilt ?)

I know that WH's life w/OW is likely all happy, fun and
great, and that they have little chance of lasting, but it
seems like it could drag on for a long time. I think that
there will be a day, sooner or later, when WH will come out
of the fog finally and realize all he's lost, be full of
regret and sadness. There is some satisaction in that, but
it seems it might be a long ways down the road, and in the
meantime I'm the one who has to deal with loss of my family,
home, his family which meant a lot to me, big financial
troubles, and living with heartache. Seems so unfair !!!

I know I'm sounding very melodramatic in my venting after
this long day, so I'm going to get to bed and hope to wake
tomorrow with some better attitude and mood. I know there
might still be some hope (if he files we will have 90 days)
but how do you keep some hope and faith alive, while still
trying to plan, move on and accept ?
Prayers please.
Slammed

stop it stop it stop it...

he wants, he thinks, I wonder if he, he's trying to, he won't find, he he he...

He may be trying to wean off you, Slammed -- but when are you going to wean off him?

Don't "get to bed and hope to wake up tomorrow with some better attitude and mood." Don't wait for your attitudes and moods to happen to you. You are in charge of them NOW. You can choose your attitudes and moods.

You won't start to get a better mood till you start forming the attitude that you are better off not speculating about him and obsessing about him. This is just pragmatic: you don't have enough data to form any real picture of his inner life right now. You can assume it's following the general pattern we've described to you, that fits the WS template. But beyond that, you are just forming pictures to torture yourself. And it works.

Here is your new mantra: "I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know what he's feeling. And I don't need to know."

Repeat hourly.

I agree with this 200%!!!

Eav, does this same thing.

I just can't conceive how you guys feel/think that you have the POWER to know this about your WHs. There is NO WAY, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that you can possibly figure this out.

IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!

As we have said before over and over again, Slammed, you can only KNOW what's going on with YOURSELF.

Wonder what causes this pattern of you guys assuming that you can possibly know what's going on with your WH??

He doesn't even know what's going on with him because he is so SCREWED UP in his FOGGY STATE. Simply put, without any deep analysis, HE IS ADDICTED TO THE OW...an ADDICTION is NOT RATIONAL.

I still have not been able to FIGURE OUT or to UNDERSTAND how my FWH could have had a relationship with the OW. I can UNDERSTAND what caused the affair..but what it was ABOUT HER???? I still can't COMPREHEND and probably will never COMPREHEND. Why he would risk losing EVERYTHING FOR HER? He got ADDICTED to how she made him FEEL. How could I possibly UNDERSTAND THAT????

Thanks A.M. and Mimi,
In re-reading my post from last night I do see that I was
certainly "all over" the place with questions and thoughts.
As you know, the new development of WH wanting to file was
very unexpected and has totally thrown me and left me very
devestated.

I know I have no power over the situation and can't possibly
understand all the why, when, where, etc. since none of this
makes sense or uses logic a non WS can follow, but I have to
come to an "understanding" that makes sense to me, whether
its right or wrong- that's the only way I can process, deal,
and live with this mess....

My previous "understanding" was based on the basic script of
the WS, and I was able to feel enough "peace" with that to
let it be, but it's going to take awhile to come to that
place in the new situation (and not even knowing if he's
really doing it is hard too).

I know there's nothing I can do, except prayer and sticking
to Plan B, but it feels so passive and frustrating, like I'm
doing nothing ! I continue to work on my own issues, job
hunt, daily life, and my health/diet program but that doesnt
feel like much when WH has the power to change everything
in my life by filing for D and my being able to do nothing
to stop him.
Can't even delay things since there are aren't many issues
(custody,etc).

Guess I really thought that Plan B would give WH a taste of
what D would be like and that he would strongly react. I
guess he did, but he went opposite of what I expected and
hoped.
Thanks for prayers and continued support/thoughts/ideas.
Slammed

Slammed:

Don't you see how these statements contradict each other? How can you come to an understanding of something that can't be understood?

I understand the desire to make sense of it. Now I recall that when I would begin to engage in such questioning, I would literally shake my head, telling myself that I had to ACCEPT...."IT IS WHAT IT IS".....



Your WH is continuing to follow the script. My WH thought he wanted a divorce..was more than happy and glad to sign those LS papers...told me: "Face it..it's over..I never loved you,etc."..all part of the SCRIPT!!!

What I did differently than you, Slammed was to do what I could do to control my own life. I turned him and my marriage over to GOD. I ACCEPTED MY TOTAL LACK OF POWER OVER HIM AND THE SITUATION. Part of my acceptance was getting to the point in saying to myself: "IF WE DIVORCE, IT IS GOD'S WILL because I have done everything that I can possibly do to change things. It is out of my hands." I ACCEPTED that we may have divorced. That is the risk of PLAN B but PLAN B was the LAST RESORT...MY ONLY OPTION..YOUR ONLY OPTION...all that YOU could have done..



I guess you think I don't have the right to be saying this since I didn't divorce and reconciled. But I honestly got to the point of acceptance and WAS MOVING ON..that's what SCARED MY HUSBAND..He knew that I had developed the DETERMINATION and POWER to MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM! I refused to give him this POWER over my life. I saw that as giving in to EVIL FORCES (you know my religious point of view) and I saw myself in a BATTLE against SATAN (actually). I was not going to be DESTROYED. So, as you know, I put my house up for sale and started looking for a house of my own.

This is why we have encouraged you to even look for jobs out of your city. Your focus needs to be on taking care of yourself and on not allowing his decisions to destroy you.



It's definitely not over yet...

You have not gained his RESPECT. That is ESSENTIAL....

Remember you went backwards a few steps... after the door scene..now it's time to get back up on the horse and develop some sort of PLAN FOR YOURSELF....

Wrong.

You don't know what he's thinking, feeling, hoping.

But you do know he's coming after you with a knife to cut your life apart. He is divorcing you, Slammed! Please take this seriously. By "seriously," I don't mean indulging in emotions about it -- I mean get real and make some plans.

The game plan has changed, but you haven't.

If the divorce goes through, the cool-headed plans and decisions and preparations you make during this process will have a HUGE impact on your future well-being.

That, and not his impulses, problems, thoughts and moods should be your focus right now.

Thanks, Mimi.
Yes, you're right, "understanding" something that is not
understandable or logical is contradictory, I just didn't
have a better word for the process of trying to make sense
of it all. I guess I could say I need to have a "theory"
rather than an understanding. I think that theory is going
to have to be "it is what it is" right now !

What I mean by saying that WH has the power to change
everything in my life is my thinking about the unfairness
of it all, same as for all of us that have gone through
the disaster of A.
Just the signing of a peice of paper and a quick legal
action will mean I have to give up the house I love, take
on "single parenting" of our dog, which I never expected,
go from a very nice lifestyle and good financial situation
to a very difficult one, lose my ILs, SD, and WH's family
as my own, and most difficult of all, lose the potential
we had and all the dreams and goals that I had, since they
all were tied in with WH and our life. That's what really
sucks !!

I know that I have to accept that we may divorce. I know
that I can't keep it from happening and if it does, will
have to do my best to live with the "fall-out" that I never
expected, wanted or deserved.
I know that I have more faith and strength than WH and believe I ultimately will end up being okay, but know it will be very hard and a long road to get there.
I have given the whole situation over to God so many times, asking that the A come to a permanent, total end and WH's heart and mind come clear of fog, ready to work on the M and love us again. If it never happens, then I will have to
accept that it was God's will, and follow that by faith,
even if it is not what I wanted for my life.

Strange but WH even mentioned my previously having my own
home, traveling, being independent, and having friends/
family for support in one of his IC sessions I attended.
I don't know if it was a "compliment" and maybe showed some respect for me in that regard, or if it just helps him to
alleviate some of the guilt over what he's done, by feeling
like I won't like it and will be sad, but "will be okay" !!?

I've hoped to show WH that I have had the determination and
ability to move on without him, by handling the house and
yard upkeep and asking nothing of him, by taking good care
of the dog, keeping the expenses and bills in order, and
plan to put the house up for sale and look for my own place
once I have a job and can move forward with that... other
thoughts on things I can do to gain respect, show I can/
am moving on with or without ? Plan for myself ??

Slammed, I'll stop posting if you want me to, but why don't you focus on really doing these things, and not "showing" them? You are still focused on impressing WH, showing WH, gaining WH's respect ... and he senses that.

It's still all about him. And since he has a great deal of self-contempt, your trying to impress him positions you at a lower level.

Thanks, A.M.,
Very true, I don't know what WH is thinking, feeling, or
hoping- or if he will really file or not. By virtue of his
being a WS, along with the bipolar and everything else, he
is very unpredictable.

As I did last year when he did the same thing, I am taking
it very seriously however, and assuming the worst will
happen. Since we did go through this same thing before I
have talked to lawyers, attended the mandatory initial
conference at the court, and know my rights and the process,
so there's nothing more I need to or can do right now other
than get a job so I will have my own income and insurance,
and then I plan to sell the house and get my own place-

Unfortunately we are in a "no fault", "no grounds" state
so there's nothing I can do to delay, no way to somehow list
the OW, and little to dispute, since we have no assets left
to divide except the two houses and a few belongings, plus
the 90 days waiting period. I think it's WAY too easy to
get D around here !

Slammed

I am going to make a VERY bold statement, and as AMM said above, if you want me to just stay off your thread, just let me know and I will respect your wishes. But I feel strongly lead to share something with you.

Slammed, when my WxH first left me for OW#1 I thought to myself “Oh no, he wasn’t that great of a catch in the first place, so if he has found someone else, and dumped me, then I must be REALLY bad” if I couldn’t hang onto him, then I would never find anyone else. After all, I must be lower than dirt if he could replace me so easily.
I know this will sound rude – but the truth is – my WxH was not all that great. He was a nice enough guy. But he has been a security guard at a community college, making about $15 per hour, for 15 years now. He has zero ambition to ever do anything else with his life. He only went to church if there was nothing good on TV that morning, and never volunteered to do any service projects. He is overweight, short, and had horrible table manners. He chews with his mouth open, and makes all sorts of noise. He rarely bought me anything, but managed to find money for guns, fishing gear, and hunting gear, anytime he wanted to.
In spite of all that, I always figured “well, he may not be everyone’s idea of a great catch, but he is my catch, and I love him, and I KNOW he will be faithful to me for ever” so when he left me for another woman, I figured that I must be even worse off then I realized. If I couldn’t even keep him around, then I was lower than low.

What little self esteem I had – flew completely out the window. And when OW called me to say “Look, WH and I are WH and OW now – we are a couple – and you just need to get over it” I was destroyed even further.

So I KNOW where you are coming from.

And here you have a WH who has this whole other issue to deal with – his BiPolar disorder that you keep trying to nurse him through, and he has made it quite clear, he doesn’t want to be nursed though it. He doesn’t want reminders to take the meds, or go to counseling. But I feel like you keep thinking that if you could just get him to agree to do the minimum amount of work it would require to be your H, that having him is better than nothing, and after all, you can’t do any better than that.
If I could give you one little bit of advice – you truly need to work on your own self esteem and put all other issue aside for now. You are a human being, not a piece of pottery. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You have value. You are capable of great things. You have dealt with a lot of crap lately – but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a good life.
Your WH has left you – that does not mean your family is destroyed – it means his is. Your family consists of the people you choose to be family with, and he cannot touch that. Perhaps HE is no longer part of your family, but oh well. That is his choice. He is gone – that does not mean your whole life, your whole family, is gone.

Slammed – your WH was lucky to have you in the first place. Dang lucky. He had a wife who loved him in spite of his depression, his mood swings, and his sense of entitlement. And what did he do? He actively went online looking to replace you. He does not deserve you. I am not telling you to “go find someone else” But I do want you to know that there are a LOT of men out there, your age, who are lonely and wish they could have a woman with half the care, the consideration, the love that you hold. You would be a great catch for any man. If your WH cannot see that then his disease is even worse than you realized.

Thanks to both of you, AM and WOF5.
I appreciate the input, care, and thoughts you both share
and surely hope you will continue to post to me- it helps !

I know that my having self esteem issues has made the A
more difficult for me to deal with because it has really
set me back as far as lots of improvement I made over a lot
of time, but never have I felt that OW or WH were "better
than me", that I was "lower", or that I would "settle" for
H coming back without a real, true committment to a real
marriage again and all the effort, honesty and hard work it
would take. I don't want H back unconditionally.

I don't and can't understand what made WH go looking online
or start the A with this trashy OW, but have to feel it was
a combination of things, from some unmet EN, to MLC, to his
bipolar, to possible SA. I know that OW is nice looking and
perhaps she even has some good qualities, but she is only
different than me, not better, and I certainly think she has
some very serious issues and problems herself, based on her
behavior, so I don't feel a bit envious or jealous of her.
I think a person who has to manipulate, control, take the
husband of someone else, put them down, and play games to
keep a relationship is not much of a person. Plus, I know
how WH is and how it is to deal with his moodiness, meds,
issues, etc.

I think my long-standing faith in H has been based on the H
I have known and been with for so long. H really was a good
guy. He was a very kind, smart, sensitive, shy, and we had
shared the same sense of humor,goals, interests and beliefs.
I loved that I would see him really trying hard to please me
by doing things with my family, spending holidays "my" way,
taking me a place to eat I liked even though he didn't, and
felt like he really struggled with the illnesses that he
couldn't control. He was (still is) very nice looking, in
good shape, works hard and has lots of ambition, and I was
always proud of his working up the ladder and becoming good
at his job and the lifestyle we created.
I don't know if that person is gone forever, due to the Fog,
the mental illness, MLC, or choice, but I do miss and still
love that person. I always thought he was "still in there"
somewhere, even in the foggy, wimpy, thoughless and selfish
person WS is now, and that was what I still had hope in-

I don't know that I've ever though of WS as a "great catch"
but I always felt like he was the right catch for me, and I
for him. I didn't think he was perfect or expect him to be
and althogh it was frustrating and disappointing when he was
first diagnosed with depression and OCD, that wasn't a "deal
breaker" for me. Neither is the Bipolar, as I just wanted
WH to be able to feel better, live a normal life, be able to
be happy and healthy. Obviously however, the adultery and
accompanying chaos ARE deal breakers...

If we do divorce, I will be very heartbroken, sad, hurt, and disappointed from the loss of not only the H I knew as a person and life we had, but also for the loss of our potential and my best friend.
I dated lots of people before WH, was never in a big hurry to marry, and didn't marry him until we had dated over two years and I was 35 years old, so I've never been one to feel
I "had to" be with someone or settle, and it would be very
unlikely I'd ever marry again, after all this.

I really was touched by your comment that WH has lost his
family, not me. It's true that my family- parents, sister
and dog have always been and will always be my family and
supporters, no matter what. I will be sorry and sad to lose
WH's family, as I got truly liked his parents, brother and
daughters, but nothing I can do about that.
I also have lots of good friends which is something WH does not have- he has a few casual acquaintances at best, no close friends, and an odd, but not close relationship with his own family. I guess his dog and the OW are it.

I realize all of you are trying to boost my spirits, give
me some strength, determination and confidence, and I do
appreciate it.
Slammed

Well I'm going to make an even more radical statement.

I don't think you can work on your self-esteem.

I don't know that anyone can work on their self-esteem, or has ever succeeded at such a project.

For one thing, working on self-esteem still keeps you locked within the world of self -- and that's why we have low self-esteem in the first place. How on earth can we know what our real value is, low or high? Thinking about it is one way to stay selfish -- and for Slammed, it's one way to keep her locked into thoughts about WH.

Go do something else. Read a great book -- join a book club. Learn a new language. Volunteer at a hospital. Join Amnesty International. Actually accomplish something, so your self-esteem isn't based on your own opinions of yourself.

I don't know what state you live in, but mine is similar. But if his income is so much above yours, I can't believe you aren't entitled to some support. And, because of delays, my process took over a year, even though most Ds in this state take six months. But I don't think the answer is delaying tactics.

Slammed, I said to you a long, long time ago that I think your WH has outside problems and multiple addictions. MB doesn't work for these people -- the Harleys said so. They advise going straight to Plan B in such cases. You can't "show" your changes or do Plan A -- because you weren't the problem.

Your WH split when you started putting pressure on some of these problems and addictions. So did mine. This is a well-known syndrome described by Frank Pittman in Psychology Today. Pressure on reality causes flight into fantasy -- a "romantic affair."

This has all got nothing to do with you, and never did. Sure you can review the past and see what might have been different. But with a bipolar man with sexual addictions (and alcoholic or something too, no?) -- the problems are 98 percent his. You are trying to take on more than your responsibility, I think, as a reaction against your powerlessness. Perfectly understandable -- but it's a dead end.

Turn that energy and drive towards people who can use it. Volunteer at a local school, or in your church.

Be tough. Be strong. Not for him -- for your future, and the people who are in the future you have not yet created.

I was very touched by WOF5's post as well. Very nicely put. I agree with her completely, Slammed - you have so much to offer, and if your WH does not see that, it's just so unfortunate for HIM and he will greatly regret it later.

Milk

I think this whole post was wonderful advice, Slammed. Identify some causes that are important to you and volunteer -- tomorrow. Get out of the house, find a new path. The volunteer work may lead you to a new career and a new life. Create a new life for yourself, doing what is most important to you. You seem like a person who has always supported and made others come first and that H was the center of your life. It's your turn now. Forget your H -- focus on a separate life. If he ever comes around it will be because he sees you moving on without him. If I were you, I'd go file first and take total control of the situation. Then, I'd start a completely new life. Your life is changing anyway. Instead of feeling helpless, take control and forge ahead into a unknown territory. Take some risks. And start now.

Your H is a sick person. Don't let him infect your life anymore.

You can do this.

Slammed, I'm going to probably be the one that you do ask to not post to your thread anymore - and I will respect that if you truly wish me to shut up...

I think part of me gave up on your recovery of who you truly are when I never received an e-mail from you about the job opening in my company - your abilities at your previous job would have been tremendously appreciated AND compensated where I work...

But somehow, even though I knew that you might not respond to my invitation, painfully, I could guess that I maybe even understood the reasons you would avoid my offer.

Here's what we have in common:

alcoholism and addiction in our relationships
bi-polar marriage partners
work aptitude - ability to solve problems
caretaker for our family - we're the responsible ones, who make sure the bills get paid, the family gets fed, and all those itty-bitty details get covered...

Here's what's been recommended in the past by many here:

Self-care
Al-Anon
Focus on healing yourself, independent of your husband's decisions
Take control of YOUR choices - what would you do if your husband didn't have a say over what YOU choose to have in your quality of life.

Here's what I know is on the other side of that great unknown that you keep avoiding stepping into by taking ANY of their (and my) advice:

[color:"red"]Purpose[/color] that expands beyond mothering, rescuing, and otherwise rehabilitating the selfish little black hole you refer to as your husband.
[color:"red"]Energy[/color] Imagine losing 200 pounds of useless flab in one healing breath and realizing that you are still you - with or without him.
[color:"red"]Peace[/color] - so what if he serves you with divorce papers - he's still looking to you to fix his screwed up world - he's going to cut you off thinking YOU are his problem - only to reel you back in when he finds out he needs rescuing again.

[color:"red"]That stands for PEP!!!![/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

One therapist once pointedly asked me the question that EVERY woman co-dependent to an addicted or bi-polar husband should be asked:

To which I responded


To which she responded


Slammed - get out of God's way and let your husband fall - perhaps then, he can let God heal him - because frankly dear, you are not God and you don't have that power, no matter how much you wish it!

Just in case I wasn't clear...

The fire I just outlined for your personal recovery is the one that I personally had to walk through - I know every burning coal and every blister intimately.

I know what it truly means to be powerless over my husband's choices, and have found what it truly means to be empowered anyway.

That's all I'm trying to give you here - not a 2x4 or any other kind of disrespect - this is as direct and loving as I can give to you - it doesn't get easier until you let God handle your husband.

Beautiful Post, Kayla....

I will beat Slammed over the head if she wants YOU to stop posting to her.

I had to do EXACTLY what you did with my FWH... as I was trying to say earlier to Slammed... but you say this so eloquently.

MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU...