That is the usual twisting of words, and people with bipolar can be very persuasive too to the untrained person that doesn't see the deceptiveness in it. You see if he twists it around to look like you said it, then he won't look like the "bad guy." Then he can blame it on you. It was all a manipulative tactic. Notice, when he said it, was in front of the IC? But the IC isn't going to confront him on those things, because she gets paid to see him, she is on his side. Many times IC's are enablers, instead of steering a person in the right direction, they just go with whatever the person is doing in his life and hope for the best for him, instead of confronting and coming right out and saying "you know you are really going in the wrong direction, and if you don't turn around, your headed for disaster." Why doesn't the IC do that? Because she knows he probably wouldn't be back and they would get no more money from him. He's not interested in IC, meds, or a recovery plan. The only reason he began going was to make himself "look better" on his DUI charge, and to try to get some leniency on that. Prior to that he was doing nothing to get help.


I do believe he cared about you during times in your marriage, but in a bipolar episode he doesn't care about anything but his self. Affairs are always based on self-centeredness, but with a person with bipolar it's worse, the destruction is worse. His condition has taken a turn for the worst. If you think back to his prior marriages, wives who have left, children he has left, all of those were probably done during a manic episode, and it won't end until he is "sincere" about getting help, mentally and spiritually. Until then it will be the same cycle with everyone he comes in contact with. It will happen with OW also, either she will get to the point she can't stand it any longer and leave, or he will leave again for another OW.

I feel very sad for the victims of such an emotionally, mentally destructive illness, but I feel most sad for those that get hurt by them, especially women and children. I really believe those with such a mental illness should remain single and without children, but we can't change that can we? When Dr's say it's an illness like cancer is an illness, I don't believe them. Cancer patients don't leave people so wounded and hurt by infidelities, financial destruction, and they don't leave there families for their own selfish destiny's.

I know it seems like you have lived in a dark valley Slammed, but when it's all over, and you heal, you will see more light in your life than you have ever saw. There will come a day when you say you are thankful that man is out of your life.

Blessings,
Lady

LS,
I think it's true that WH could have twisted words around in
order to sound "good" for the IC, although much of what he
would say there were things he also said to me, in talks
between just us, at times. Guess it's going to be another
thing that just doesn't make "sense" and has to be "chalked
up" to to the confusion and "waffling" that he seemed to
have going on all the time.

I really did like his Psych and feel like he could read WH
very well, but thought the IC was definitely an "enabler" !
I believe WH was sincere in seeking help after the DUI,
finally scared, anxious, and depressed enough that he did
realize something was really wrong, more than just the
"depression" that he had been diagnosed with before. He
really did make an effort to get help many times before, tried many Dr's, and many AD's, all of which didn't help, and as we later found out, may have made him worse when they
finally realized he was bipolar (in Jan 06).

The hardest part for me to understand is that WH never
showed any signs of the BP until just before the A began,
about this time last year ~ his Dr has said he likely did
have it before that, but it may have been less severe and
him able to control it better- no way to know.
He has never been married previously, had just a couple of
relationships prior to ours, but I did see the pattern of
the other person always ending it- for various reasons.
We were together for quite some time before getting married
and I can honestly say I never saw any signs of illness or
strange behavior, so perhaps his Dr is right in thinking he
has had a later "onset", or that it has just more recently
become too much for him to control...?

The last year has been very dark and difficult, for sure.
Makes it all the more difficult that prior to this, our
life was so happy, loving, and just "normal". I miss him so
much as my best friend, partner, and constant companion !

Decided to get some take-out for dinner, and will watch a
couple of shows I enjoy~
Thanks for the support, thoughts and prayers from all ~
Slammed

Another gray day- but I'm up, have read the paper, eaten, and have gone through today's list of job prospects.

Got a call from MB this morning, and now have an appt with
SH on Mon. morning ! Really debated doing it since funds are
very tight, but decided it'd be worth it to feel like I did
all I could, plus thought SH might have dealt with someone
with similiar circumstances before (Bipolar spouse, ties due
to finances). I was asked to fill out a couple of surveys
for Steve ("Love Bank" and "Personal Inventory") which I've
already done and sent back.

Have had no msgs or calls from WH since the court meeting on
Wed. and no calls from OW since the nasty message she left
over a week ago.

Don't know if it will make sense to anyone, but I have such
a distinctly different "feeling" coming from WH lately (odd
sounding, I know, since we have no contact). Only way I can
explain it is that I've still felt a sense of "connection"
with WH, even througout the A. Guess that was partly due to
his still keeping at least a little contact,and his still showing signs of being "on the fence".
Made me still feel there was some hope, and that he wasn't so sure" the relationship with OW was what he wanted. I still felt like he was keeping a bit of "us" alive, and was not entirely "teamed up" with OW since he was he did still
call, keep some contact, which I'm sure she knew nothing of
and wouldn't have liked.

The newer feeling is more like the "connection" I still felt
has been cut off. Maybe this is partly due to the lack of
any attempts at contact, other than some very brief msgs
about the finances, etc. but it "feels" like he finally got off the fence, on OW's side, and has closed the book on US,
permanently. Feels like he is now really "with" her, which
I've never felt before, despite the A and all that's gone
on with that.
Did not feel this way last year when he filed the D papers-
I just had a feeling he was not going to go through with it
and never got so down and discouraged about it.

Don't know if this is coming from "me", or is really some
kind of a change I'm "getting" from WH, but it's an awful,
heartsick feeling that goes all the way down to the pit of
my stomach.

Never will understand why he's chosen to D now, more than a
year after the A started and after all the drama and issues
that you'd think would have "killed" the fantasy long ago ?
Would think, if anything, the addiction would be fading for
both of them, not getting stronger. That's definitely a
question that is stuck in my mind, with no answer.

Not looking foward to the weekend- my best friend's BF has
returned from out of town, meaning it'll be hard to see or
even talk to her now, and another friend I often do things
with is flying out of town today on a short trip.
I will be having a "belated birthday" celebration with my
parents, and always have some housework, yardwork, laundry,
to be done as well, and thought I might rent some movies
as well...
Slammed

Why not reading a book about one of the great ladies in history, as I advised you? Teresa Avila, Golda Meir, Elizabeth I, Hildegard of Bingen?

Why not volunteer time at a hospital, or charity?

Why not write letters for Amnesty International? Go to their website, there's tons of help you can give, with no obligation.

Sitting on your butt and watching television is a poor idea.

Who do you want to be five years from now, Slammed? With or without him. Start being that person now.

Are you the sort of person who wants to be a woman spending her weekends doing yardwork and watching videos?

The future begins now.

slammed

i AM the sort of woman who would be happy spending her weekend doing yardwork and watching vidoes with my partner....but for now, i'm doing it alone

i find those things relaxing and enjoyable

Sounds good then!

Frankly, when I began Plan B, I was determined to stay socially active, not withdraw an inch from the public role I had had.

As my Plan B deepened, however, I figured out that's not who I wanted to be. I prefer solitude, thinking, reading, writing. I prefer family to empty socialness. I became more deeply rooted in who I am.

Maybe it's the same for you.

Nothing much to report over the weekend~
Got an expected call Sat. morning asking if I could come to
a job interview that afternoon. It was for a position as a
receptionist/Admin Asst. at a bankruptcy law firm.
The interview itself seemed to go fine, but seemed to have a
lot of people there interviewing and I wasn't sure what I
thought of the place- the office looked run-down and dingy,
was in an old house, and was in a "not-so-great" part of
town.
Another unexpected happening in the job search- got an email
this morning from my old boss (job before last) saying she
wondered if I might be interested in working for them again.
(I managed their govt. contract supplying travel services
to the Govt. about two years ago, a contract they have since
lost). Her message said they no longer have many locations
"on site", but that they do have people working from their
homes, including one of my former co-workers. I am going to
reply back to at least find out more about what it would be
like, the pay, benefits, etc....

Otherwise, the weekend was okay and pretty uneventful.
Did some housework, yardwork, and enjoyed getting out for the interview and my errands on Sat.- it was a beautiful,
warm day.
Yesterday it was rainy, cold and "dreary". Finished up
my housework, and went out to lunch with my parents, then
worked on some crafts and watched a movie later in the day.

Like you, A.M.- I'm not terribly social, but I did enjoy the
ocassional special event or "dress up" function (most were
related to WH's job) and liked it when we went out to eat,
to movies, to a dance/night club once in awhile, and all the
time we spent with family or friends. WH and I spent much of
our free time together, but often doing "un-exciting" things
like house/yard projects, watching movies, sports, running
errands, and things with our dog.
I've kept up doing many of the same things, although I have
to admit doing them alone is not nearly as fun as it was w/
WH. I've filled some of the void with more of some of my
old favorites- reading, writing, crafts, music, and working
on the family history that I've always enjoyed.
It's been harder though, since not working, as I start to
feel a bit "housebound" and bored with everything and the
lack of social/people contact. I know that working again
will make a big difference on that...

Will update seperately on today's appt. with SH.
Slammed

See previous post for update on job search and weekend.
This post is regarding counseling with SH today:

Had my counseling session with SH this morning- found him
to be a great listener, very understanding, and SO positive.

Gave him the background details of all the mess with WH's
illness(es), the affair, OW's "psycho" behavior, my Plan
A and B, etc. Some of his thoughts were :

The illness (bipolar) playing a huge part in the affair
since "lack of impulse control" goes hand in hand with
bipolar disorder. Feels WH getting illness "properly
managed" with meds and therapy would solve a large part
of his/our issues almost immediately.

That WH has two "addictions" to struggle with- that of his
illness, and the affair as well.

Thinks WH probably does like the "freedom" of having his
own house, doing his "own thing", doing whatever he wants,
when he wants, and with whoever he wants, but that it is
a very short-sighted vision, that doesn't last long and
has no foundation.

SH feels that I am the "truth", "reality" and "direction"
that WH wants and needs and doesn't have on his own, and
that I've given him enough basic information for him to
know how and what it would take for us to get our marriage
back on track. Said my position needs to be "representing
solutions" for WH.

Said Wh's behavior seems to be "all over the place" and
somewhat out of control, due to his emotions and actions
being dictated by OW's emotions and actions, and my not
having had a choice but to have been affected by that.

Said he felt I still had the energy and strength to keep
trying and work this out, but needed to protect myself more
and better.

SH thought OW sounded like a very unstable person with some
real issues of her own. Agreed on my continuing to have no
contact or dealings with her at all, document if she calls
or sends anything else, etc. and get a RO if needed, if I can. Says he thinks her calling here is her "venting" her
frustration with WH and their problems (strange mentality).
Said he's sure the times her behavior have been most odd
have been times they are fighting, she doubts WH, or feels
otherwise desparate or threatened. He definitely does not
think they have a relationship with any future.
Definitely thought it sounded like OW plays games, controls
and manipulates WH, is very naive herself, and has "broken
up" then lures WH back in order to meet some ego need of her
own by making him "prove" his love by meeting her ultimatum.

SH said his best suggestiong was to continue with Plan B,
a dark as possible. Said I should do new Plan B letter,
emphasizing both that his behavior is too painful to me, that there is a way to fix our marriage and make it great but that as long as he's involved with OW AND his illness is
unmanaged, we are "stuck". Said doing the new letter will
show WH that nothing has changed in my position, and will
emphasize the effect his illness has on him, which was not
mentioned in my previous letter.

Said he doesn't really think that WH will follow through
with doing anything more on the D- that he is probably
doing only the minimum he had to do to appease OW and may
be getting increasingly frustrated with her control on him.
Suggested I do all I can to "drag my feet" on the D.

Finally, he said it's good to do the new PBL and be as dark
as possible, even if WH goes forward on D, but if that
becomes the case to call him and we will change the plans.

I feel a little more hopeful and it did also help to hear SH say "I am not crazy". Also to have him say I had done the
right things, laid a good "groundwork", and should take SOME
but not too much of the blame, as well as feeling there is
some hope of positive change were great.
Sure wish WH would talk to SH, as he's so positive, and
that is what WH seems to really need. Know it'd be a LONG
ways down the road though, if ever.

Just doing some computer work on this cold, dreary and wet
day, and have music rehearsal tonight. Our forecast for
tonight/tomorrow is mentioning ** SNOW ** !!

Slammed

Great, Slammed !!!

I was correct in thinking that your WH and the nature of his relationship with the OW is alot like my situation was... except my H doesn't have BAD.

Alot of Steve's advice to me was the same as for you...

Get to work on the PBL...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

i'm glad that steve helped you to see things more clearly. i always felt that way after talking with Jennifer also.

she also told me that she didn't believe my H and OW's relationship had any future together...because of her children, her continued close contact with her H and the fact that he lives with HER mother, also that she has allowed her children to stay with her mother and H...for whatever the reason...jennifer believes that as a mother who has said "my children are my life", OW will not give her children up for long and if she moves one or more in with her and my H.....he will see reality really fast!

it all sounds good but nothinghas happened yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i like the idea of you writing another plan B letter so that your H knows that your feelings haven't changed and i've stalled my D for over a year so far.....so it's possible

it sounds as though you got some good advice!

Hi Slammed,

Thanks for posting on my thread. Glad to hear you have received those phone calls. I think it will help you get 'distracted' a bit once you start getting busy with interviews. Also you can start planning your financials, which can give you some sense of comfort.

I am also glad that you were able to speak with SH. He is quite powerful, isn't he? Last year I spoke with him 2-3 times, and it was very helpful emotionally. I felt that I had some type of 'plan', which made me feel like I was in control. Don't raise your hope too high at this point, but I do believe your WH could never get anyone who is better than you, and he will realize that someday.

On my end, I am not doing so well because of my own stupidity. I thought WH was calling because he was worried about my medical condition, but of course that was not the case, and I am hurt. Yes, I see why people here tell you to 'protect yourself' emotionally, because you can't keep getting hurt. It's just so amazing how selfish WH has become (he has always been, and even his father has said so, but I did not think he was capable of ONLY demanding in return for NOTHING), though. I know he sleeps just fine at night, which irritates me, but I don't know how he can get this mean and still believes he is a good person and I am the bad guy.

Thanks for your update and take care -
Milk

Thanks Mimi, Eav and Milk~
It did help to talk to SH, especially since he seemed to
think there was still lots of hope, although I am trying
to temper that with not getting hopes up too much. It also
made me feel like I was understanding things as much as is
possible, and doing the right things.
Like you said, EAV, it all sounds good, but nothing has
happened yet !
I am working on the revised PBL, using SH's suggestions.
Also have to admit, I feel very nervous and worried about
the passing time and only a little over a month until the
waiting period for D would be up !
I believe the affair will end eventually, but just can't
"see" it happening that soon. Right now, WH seems too caught
up in his own little world and too tangled in OW's "web"
to have the energy/courage/gumption to end it, and OW seems
totally obsessed and determined to keep WH under her "power"
and "win" over me, that I can't see her ending it either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Both IC and SH agreed that it sounds like WH's bipolar
illness is not "properly managed" and that he may still
be in the "manic" cycle. WH is not one who gets in the
very "UP" mode, but has very much demonstrated "lack of
impulse control" and the wavering moods and emotions of
the "mid range" (think it's called "hypomanic").
Another thing that made me wonder about this is that a
postcard came yesterday, addressed to WH, from the local
Mercedes dealer. Said "thanks for your recent visit" and
made it sound like WH had possibly expressed interest in
a car. I shook my head and thought "Last thing WH needs is
an expensive car !" but realized that WH does not think
like a "normal" person who'd realize they already have a lot of big bills- from credit cards, to his fancy house, all new belongings, hot tub, boat, dog, and already having one expensive SUV ! (and not even having a license !)
I also realized that he could have just been out looking at
cars for "fun", or with OW while she looked for herself
(although she's more a "truck" kind of person and already
has a nice truck and our old SUV), but WH has always been
very impressed with "status" and in the past year has sure
gotten more and fancier "stuff" (MLC).

Haven't posted as much or been on the computer as much this
week as I'm having a problem with my neck/shoulder.
Have had, for several years, trouble with one side of my
neck hurting and becoming stiff, which then radiates down
that shoulder and eventually makes my arm and fingers feel
"tingly". (probably came from years of holding the phone
between ear and shoulder while typing). I had an MRI a
couple years ago and was told I had some ruptured discs,
and was told to "be careful with my neck" (exact quote from
the DR), as well as to use pain meds, cold/heat packs, and
sleep with contour pillow.
I've had a "flare up" this week, making my neck so stiff
it's hard to turn my head to one side, my shoulder stiff
and tight, and my arm uncomfortable, so have done all the
things I can do to help it.

A couple happenings on the job front-
Got an email Tues from an old boss (job before last) asking
if I might be interested in working for her again, still
doing travel, but working from home. I asked for more info
and found out it would be taking calls, emails, and working
the Govt's automated travel system, much like I used to do
in an office, but from doing it from home, using a phone
hook up and computer they'd provide. (They have no local
offices here- their office is on East Coast). I've been
thinking about it and weighing positives/negatives, which
include convenience of working at home (don't have to get
out in bad weather, comfortable, don't have to dress up,
saving gas),doing something I have lots of experience with,
and finally having a job, but also some concerns about how
I'd feel working at home, alone, kind of "isolated" like
I've been while unemployed, and no social contact.
Also, it doesn't pay as much as I was hoping to make and
she has no health insurance (will contribute towards some
but I'd have to find my own plan).

I also got a call to come back for a 2nd interview with the
law firm I interviewed with last weekend, but the next appt
isn't until Monday. Don't know what the pay is, or how
their benefits are, so need to know that to help decide
what to do.

Wish the better jobs I applied for would call ! I am fearful
I'll take a job, then get a call from one of the jobs I'd
have liked better !
Slammed

Slammed,

First, on your job end - I would say, just keep trying and going for 2nd or 3rd interviews. If they offer you a position, you don't have to decide right away, and you can always use that to leverage your position for others you are applying for. Don't feel bad if you thought you would NOT get the other job and accept the less-preferred one, and if the other one turns out positive, then you can think about it then. I am the same way, I would hate to say 'yes' to one job and then change my mind - I have never done that, but in your case, you are out of work, you are in the middle of D, and you just need financial support. You have to take whatever that is available. Sometimes you may have to do what you otherwise would not do. It is not like marriage vow, you know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Although I would think the benefits would be better at the law firm. And if you think that the prospect of career in the travel field is not too good, because of the advanced computer system, etc., then this may provide you an opportunity to switch your career.

Your WH is just like mine - my WH bought a motorcycle while he was complaining about bills and debt. And he said he did NOT have enough to contribute to DS4's school or house expenses. They are soooooooooooo selfish. My WH's siblings are all saying "we thought WH might be turning the corner but when we heard that he bought a motorcycle, we felt, wow, he is still so deep in his own unrealistic and selfish world!"

Your WH is the same way - why on the earth, would he go see fancy cars, when he just bought another house and furnishings, has many bills, and like you said, he can't even drive now! Maybe it is like when you try to lose some weight, you look at beautiful clothes and swear to yourself "okay, if I lose xx lbs, I will buy those", but buying beautiful clothes (you can pay it off) is one thing, purchasing a luxury car is a completely different thing!

Have a nice weekend Slammed,
Milk

Thanks for your post, Milk.
Just got done looking at the weekly job update I get from
one major job site, as well as looking at the City and Fed
Govt sites, which update on Fridays- unfortunately nothing
new today. I also called a place where I'd dropped off a
resume two weeks ago, and was disappointed to hear they had
filled the job- it was a position I think I'd have really
liked.

Also got a message from my former boss, regarding the work-
from-home job she is offering, saying that if I want to do
it, she'd want me to start just as soon as they could get
the equipment shipped and things set up.
My biggest hesitation with that job is not knowing if I
would do very well working from home without any social
aspect, the pay being lower than I need, and it not having
insurance. I would probably have to get a 2nd, PT job, esp
if I wanted to try to keep the house, but most PT jobs don't
have benefits, so still would have an issue with insurance.
Haven't looked into it much since I've always had group
insur through my own or WH's job, but I think individual
health insur is probably quite expensive. Also realized that
if I have to put the house up for sale, it'd be hard to try
to work from home while it was being shown periodically,
as I'd have to be working 9a-6pm M-F. Might have to have some type of arrangement that it could only be shown at my
lunch hour, or weekends..

Wish I knew more about the law office job- such as the pay
and benefits. It is just two attorneys, working in an old
house, not a very big organization, so don't know if that
makes it more or less likely the pay would be good, or that
they'd have good benefits. When I go for the 2nd interview
on Mon. I plan to ask about both.

Your WH and mine both seem to think in a very similiar and
odd manner, definitely not with any logic that makes sense
or seems reasonable to me. And, both seem to need to keep
buying "things" as though it's going to solve their issues
or make them "happy", only to find out it doesn't.
In a counseling session soon after the DUI and at a time
when WH seemed to be thinking more clearly he told his IC
that he always felt "discontent" with whatever he had, and
that he felt the need to get "more", "bigger" or "better",
even though that still did not make him content. He even
specifically mentioned that house that he was renovating at
the time, saying he liked it and enjoyed working on it, but
probably wouldn't be content with it for long.

I can definitely attest to that, as WH in recent years was
always wanting something else, "newer", "bigger" or "better"
and would often buy thing that he then never used- like a
bike he rarely rode, sports equipment, a PlayStation, CD's,
movies, books, and the like. We loved our house when we got
it (and I still do) but eventually WH started to find fault
with it, saying he didn't like "this or that", didn't like
the neighborhood, didn't like the layout, etc.
WH wasn't always like this however- he comes from a family
with a very basic, small house out in the country, nothing
fancy, not a lot of posessions and no big $$$. When WH first
moved here he had an old car, and no job, and the first few
jobs he got were very average. Gradually, he moved up in
jobs and pay, and it seems like the more he worked with some
high income clients the more he was impressed with money,
more possessions, and status and the more he wanted that same lifestyle himself. We kind of "balanced" each other,
as I was more conservative, not a big spender, happy with
nice things but not needing "more" or "fancier". We talked
about purchases, and often would compromise. I also felt as
long as our bills were paid, we had some savings, and it was
within reason, that WH should be able to get some fun "toys"
or things he wanted when he made bonuses at work, because I
knew he worked very hard. I often benefited from that too,
as he was generous with buying things for our house (some
nicer furniture, decorations, renovating, etc), or things
for me (clothes, shoes, jewelry) when he made extra money.
I feel I always expressed pride and appreciation for WH
and his doing well at work as well as the things that he
provided or us/me.

Can't say it wasn't nice to have a nice lifestyle- I did
enjoy having some new clothes/shoes sometimes, making our
house nicer, being able to stay at a nice place on a trip,
etc. but it wasn't a "need" for me- I was just as happy with
him and life when we had much less and lived in my condo !

This has made me wonder at times if part of the A and all
that has happened has fallen under this same pattern- WH
moves up at work, makes more money, feels "entitled" to new,
nicer/fancier things. Our house and belongings aren't "nice"
enough, so he gets new. He thinks a "successful" person
should have a hot tub, boat and nice vehicle, so he gets
them. And, finally maybe I wasn't "fancy" enough either, so
he hooks up with OW, who he apparently must think is more
"fancy" (if you like the bottle blonde, long hair, heavy
makeup, tight clothes type) than his "plain/average" wife.

WH once mentioned that he felt he "should be with" someone
who is more "his equal", although I don't see how this fits
OW- she is a sales rep for a food company, not some big
CEO or something. And, in my view, from the way she's acted
even to him, and to me, with her nasty messages and calls,
sending packet to me, lies, paranoia, etc. she may be nice
looking on the outside but is VERY ugly and has some very
major issues on the inside !

I'd guess what it all comes down to, for your WH and mine
both, is a real emptiness inside them that they keep trying
to fill with other things- cars, houses, motorcycles, OW,
etc. and they keep finding the same result- that it doesn't
fill the space at all or make them happy or content.
My IC has mentioned that people like this, regardless of
it being from MLC, upbringing, or mental illness, probably
have a very low self esteem and self image, and are trying
to make themselves look good to others to boost themselves
up.

I am feeling angry today- thinking about how unfair it is
that I helped and supported WH emotionally and financially
when he moved here and had no job, when he changed jobs many
times (has had 10 jobs in 11 years I've known him), when he
was unemployed, and when times were pretty "lean", but now
that he's moved up and makes more money, it's OW who is
getting to enjoy the benefits of it. (the nice house with
new, nice furnishings, hot tub, the boat, the dog, the car,
staying nice places on trips, nice gifts, etc.) and ME that
loses my whole lifestyle, will likely have to move to a much
smaller, less nice place "making do" with my old furniture
and belongings, taking care of the dog, and struggling to
pay basic bills, much less have nice trips, gifts, etc...
It's SO unfair that I lose everything while he won't lose a
thing or be "penalized" at all !!! Just venting !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Shoulder/neck a little better today.
I hope to meet a friend for dinner tonight, and am trying to
make some plans for something fun on the weekend.
Slammed

Slammed,

Yes, it is SO unfair - right now. It may remain unfair financially - for a while.

OW does not sound like a classy trophy wife type AT ALL. Either he gets tired of her or she wants to get out first, I don't know, but their R will not last. In the mean time, however, your WH spends loads of money on her and/or them, and he will never see the money again. And after thir R goes down the hill, he will feel even more empty. That, is not something you don't have to go through, and if you can quantify such feelings somehow and put on some real big negative values, then in the end you come out ahead of him even financially.

I think about the 'fairness' a lot. But I do still believe that those people end up paying the price. It's now OW's responsibility to drive WH around, that has some cost too, you know. AND since she thinks she is entitled to WH's belongings, she must be so mad each time WH has to cut checks for you. That is COSTING her as well.

Are you sure you won't be able to get the alimony? Especially now that you won't be able to get the type of job that allows you to maintain the same level of lifestyle?

Your WH's previous GF does not like him; his own daughters disowned him; and now he is making his own wife very upset and sad. When he realizes that he is all alone in the end, because he has made so many enemies..., then he realizes what a big price he had to pay to get those 'fake' stuff to fill the void in his heart...

Take care, and enjoy your weekend.

Milk

Thanks, Milk. Really having been going through a variety of
moods and especially anger lately, particularly over the way
that WH has treated me and the unfairness of it all- just
makes me feel like I've been thrown out like a pair of old
shoes that WH didn't want.

I know from people I've known personally and all you hear and read that divorce is not fair and usually is less so to the woman, but just really bugs me that I'll be the one who is struggling and giving up my lifestyle and things I loved,
while WH won't have to change a thing or feel any "penalty"
at all.
Guess I do have to place some value on knowing he still will
not be a happy or satisfied person and that somewhere in him
he must have a heart or conscience that will be eating away
at him. Have to hope and believe too, that someday he might
actually get out of the fog enough to remember and miss the
happy life and marriage we really did have, and all he lost
someday, but I'm beginning to feel like he can even "shut
that off" enough to just convince himself things really were
miserable.

I know it shouldn't matter to me what he thinks or feels for
me, but it really does bother me to know that he seems to
hate me now and want nothing more than to be unattached,
as though I'd hurt or treated him terribly, when I really
didn't ! How does a person act so cold, so uncaring, so
detached from someone who was their best/only friend, and
who never did anything but show love, support and care ??

I know ultimately WH and even OW will end up paying a big
price, when each comes out of the fog and realizes all the
money and time they wasted on their empty,fake relationship.
Don't know much about OW's finances, except she must make
decent money to have a house, her horses, dogs, truck ,etc.
Don't see any receipts or info on his expenses anymore, but
it used to always appear that it was WH who paid for their
eating out, trips, etc. so he is probably the one running
up the bigger bills, so he can "look" good, so he will
likely be the one suffering the financial consequences
eventually. I'm don't know how much OW knows about our
finances at all, or about WH still paying towards the house
and expenses, but I'm sure he probably makes himself sound
like he's trying to "be nice", or uses it to make me sound
more pathetic, helpless or dependent on him.

Did ask both attorneys I consulted with about "alimony"
(knows as "spousal support" here) but was told it rarely
awarded anymore, and especially in a marriage that was
under 10 years, with no kids, and when I've always worked
and am able to continue doing so. (great, I'm penalized
for being hard working !)

Had the 2nd interview at the law firm today, but need to
run so will update on that later. Also, will have to re=
post my revised PBletter- I posted a big message on Sat
with it and it was gone today !
Slammed

Hi Slammed!

How was your 2nd interview go? I hope it went well and that you are feeling a bit less anxious about your finances.

I totally understand the feeling of 'unfairness' of it all. Nothing is fair. I am the same way - I will be 'penalized' for being an honest hard worker, while WH will benefit from being a slacker, because while they do NOT care about WH's porn addiction, drug addiction, emotional affairs, etc., when it comes to dividing assets and deciding on child support, they DO care how much I make. I have always made the down payments for cars, houses, etc., while WH used his money on porn videos, books, drugs, fancy car, etc., yet it is ME who will get financially screwed, which is almost a joke. It's better off to be a lazy husband who makes little and yet uses his wife's money to chase other women and porn stars, and purchase drugs? What kind of system is this???

But you know what, Slammed. As for the finances, I let go. I am finally at a point where it really does not bother me that much. Last year, I was where you were - I was furious. It really did not make any sense whatsoever. I hated that WH will not pay his 'price'. But I realized that, it's just money. WH may not pay the price financially, but he WILL in other way. If I can improve the situation, whether that means WH will no longer be in my life, or WH changing a lot and coming back - whatever it is, which requires spending some large sum of money, I think I am okay with that now. It is like a tuition for learning about life. Well, it is the most expensive tuition I have ever paid, but I guess life is worth learning about...

It will be tough at the beginning, but you will be okay in the end, Slammed. And IF you and your WH ever get back together, whatever money he has or you have will be pooled together again. And IF you two do not get back together, you will become financially independent again, which I am sure will give you some sort of freedom eventually, and also who knows, you may meet someone else again in the future. Finance is a big part of life, unfortunately, because it is so expensive to just 'live' these days, but try not to worry too much about it. You are still young and thank God you have always worked. It could have been worse. If you haven't worked for 15 - 20 years - then finding a job that can fully support yourself will be much harder.

Milk

hey slammed

please post the plan B letter you revised and sent and your H response

AAARRRGGGHH !! Just lost another long post again- this has
been happening so often lately and is really frustrating !

Too tired to think of it all now, so will update tomorrow
regarding yesterday's job interview, and dilemna with job
offered by my old boss.

Milk- Found your thoughts about the fairness, particularly
about finances, to be very helpful. More on that later.

Eav- Had posted my PB letter over the weekend but it was
another post that disappeared so will have to do it again.
I didn't get any response from WH, but feel like he's so
far "gone" now that he probably could care less about any-
thing I feel or say.

Tomorrow is the one year "anniversary" of DDAY, when OW
called and exposed the whole affair, which is bringing to
mind a lot of hurt, anger, frustration and disappointment.
I'm also really having an issue with all the "satisfaction"
OW must be having at feeling she has "won" over me.
She must be awfully "full of herself" knowing that WH is
giving up 11 years together, our house, our dog, and OUR
LIFE to be with her. Must be another "notch" on her belt
for how effective her manipulative and control games are.
Makes me want to slap the lying, cheating, "she's so great, gorgeous, smart, independent, strong", phony bleached hair,
heavy makeup, tight clothes and trashy mouth look right OFF her smug face. Cannot tell you how much I HATE her right now
and I am not someone who usually ever even dislikes anyone.
How do I ever get over the fact that someone like this who has shown total and complete disrespect for me, my marriage and even WH, insulted me, lied to me, lied to WH about me,
treats WH like a "puppet on a string", and laughed about the
way she could "play him" has managed to do all she set out
to do in finding a man who would do all her bidding, fall
for her games and play right into her hands and has the
person and everything I valued away from me ????

Slammed




NEVER would I have thought the affair would still be going
on or believed all the drama that has gone on in the past
year.

i'm with you slammed

saturday was the anniversery of us getting engaged....i cried

my H and OW stole the specialness of that memory from me

just think, OW had two men fighting over her....like she's some prize

so did both of our H......like they deserve to have us waiting around and hoping they will "choose us"

ironic isnt' it? the ones who are cheaters and liars have good, honest, faithful people fighting over them.....praying they will come home

at least the OWH came to the point where he said he didn't want her back...ever

he said she would always be a cheat and a liar and he would never feel the same way about her....

and i will always know that OW begged her H to let her come back...more than once

and they almost did get back together....just my luck...when they were about to reconcile i called OWH and told him that i had just spoken to OW and she had told me that although she loved my H, she would "give me a chance with him againbut if he called her to say he was unhappy 8 months or 8 years in the future, she would be there for him"

so her H told her to forget about reconciling.....guess i really messed things up for myself with that

but slammed....it doesn't make sense....again OW felt as though she was giving me the "gift" of having another chance with my H

they don't deserve the love and loyalty we have shown to them

and even though we will always know that we fought for our marraige and did everything we could to save it.....to everyone who knows me, i'm crazy for waiting around hoping some cheater and liar will want me to be his 2nd choice...they think i'm crazy for even being willing to take him back

so do I really come out of this with my dignity? it sure doesn't feel that way

if we reconcile do I come out of this with a "prize"? it sure doesn't feel that way

and if we don't, do i come out of this happy to be rid of him? nope to that too

financially i came out ahead...way ahead...big deal
my H said all along that he had everything that a man could want but he wasn't happy

so now he has less money, older things and fewer "toys"... but he's happy

me, i've got lots of new things and i'm not hurting for money....but without him to share it all with, it's worthless

in my mind...they are the "winners"

they CHOOSE their lives....we are learing to live with what they left us

and to add to my joy....the OW told me that she's "a size 12" and not perfect but she is my H's friend and they have fun doing all the things that i didn't do with him

i'm getting pretty discouraged slammed, october is such a hard month for me because of all the days that used to be special....then come the holidays...even better right?

oh well...thanks for coming to my pity party!

where's the cake??