my wife had an internet affair for six months, but has told me loves me and wants our marriage to work. She has also told me she never really loved him... was just "confused", whatever that means. There was no phone or physical contact, and I am sure of that. Problem is, she wanted to keep him as a "friend", which obviously wouldn't fly with me. She told me it would go away if I just let it. I told her I needed her to tell him it was over, and to tell him what she had told me about our relationship and theirs. She has refused, saying she would just simply stop chatting with him. Should I insist on her telling him? I really feel like I need that gesture from her so I can put this to rest and begin to rebuild trust with her again.

Let her know how hurt you are. Tell her that any contact she would have with him would hurt you greatly. Ask her how she will asure you that she would stop chatting with him.

In other words, put the ball in her court. Tell her your problem, and then work with her to address it.

It's a good start that she has told you. She is probably thinking this just isn't as serious as you make it out to be. She is fooling herself. If you look at what she has said in response to you, it is about her. She thinks it would go away. She thinks she can simply stop chatting with him.

If you go to her and tell her that you are in pain about that, that you need reassurance, etc... that this is about you... I think that might help. It was probably very hard for her to admit this to you.

I think that there's a big difference between an affair being exposed and an affair being confessed. You can let her know how much you appreciate that she came clean with you. Now you want to work with her to rebuild your relationship.

Cherished

I discovered the affair. It was not confessed. I found out in November, and she has tried to convince me that it is "no big deal". She was cybering, etc with him, and that has stopped, but he has no idea I know about their continued contact. My wife has asked to end it her way, that it doesn't mean anything to her and I am making a big deal about it. At one point when I discovered the affair, she told me she thought she was in love with him, and told her friends the same thing. So because of that, it will always be a big deal to me, even though now she says it wasn't love. I don't care what it was- it needs to end and she needs to show me that I can trust her again. I feel like if she can't tell him she loves me and needs to stop chatting with him bceause it hurts me then she'd trying to hang on to him too... any advice?

You know what? My H broke my arm when I was concerned about an EA with a co-worker. The EA hurt worse. (Turned out it was a PA when I finally called OWH.)

Anyway, I empathize with your pain. Looking back, I wish I had understood more how serious this was. I thought I had the problem because I was so upset. At least you recognize how serious this is.

Look at what you are telling me: "that it doesn't mean anything to her and I am making a big deal about it." You can tell her that it is a big deal for you. If it doesn't mean anything to her, how can you two work together to make you comfortable rather than just her comfortable?

Remember that affairs are like crack cocaine addictions. She needs to have a commitment to you to limited computer access in order to end the addiction. It's not just a matter of her showing you. "Trust but verify."

I think your best bet is to focus on how you feel, not on how she feels. You feel threatened. You feel hurt. How will she work with you? If you go down the path of arguing with her about how serious this is, you've fallen into a trap. After all, it may be not serious. It may just look like that to you. Give her the benefit of the doubt and focus on how you feel.

Cherished

I watched my mom go through my dad's affair (twice), and so I guess I am a little more aware of what is (or could be) going on. My wife says she has no one to listen to her, because her family is disappointed with her because of what she has done (she started this a month before our wedding in September). She says all she has is her friends on the internet. I remind her that before this happened, she had me to turn to- we were best friends while we dated for 7+ years, but now she has turned me into the problem instead of the solution. I feel like she is in denial when she tells us she does not have feelings for this guy anymore... what can i do about that?

As a BS I sit and wonder with these...
Am I more hurt by the EA part or the PA part.
You know I think that they shared so many stories, so much in common, chats, etc, that the EA part hurts the most. So you might want to tell you WS that if you feel that way.

thank you for the advice... btw... where do I go to see a list of the abbreviations used here? I'm new here.