My first Thread so please all bear with me!

“Justempty” is my BS

I need help with Plan A, I just feel so lost and don’t know where to start. A little history is in order first I would suspect. I am 52, married young at 19 right out of Boot Camp, and divorced after 8 years and one DD. I was a BS in that marriage. Remarried 2 years later for 4 more years and one DS again ending in D.. I was a WS in that marriage. Married my BS 2 years later with 1 DS and 3 DD’S. I had a selfish affair for 2 years then D-Day. I never knew how much pain and suffering this A could and did cause for my BS, family and me. Never ever thought about how many people would be involved and hurt for my selfish ways. I have read The Dr. Harley’s books and understand his system. I have also filled out the questionnaires. Both my BS and I have gone through IC. I have been married to my BS for 17 years and did not realize she is my best friend and was always there for me. I have always had a hard time communicating with people, not a very good trait I might add. I know now I must start communicating and be there for her as she is for me. I know I need to meet her needs to fill her love bank or to at least deposit some. I know I have hurt her more deeply than I thought possible. I t just rips my insides apart to see and feel her hurt. So I am asking for help, something I never do much but I know now I can not fix this M by myself. I always thought of myself as “John Wayne” I know now I am not anywhere close. So please someone anyone tell me where and how to start the R. I always could fix just about anything and everything mechanical but am not very good at people solving. Again I feel so lost and clueless. I hope it’s not too late to teach an old dog like me how to be a great husband my wife deserves.

LIVE IN THE PRESENT..

Forgive your self for a past that is over and that you cannot do anything to change...

Demonstrate your love for her each NEW DAY...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm so glad you decided to post. Right away that tells me that you are very serious about having a great marriage. Very few spouses come here.

The marriage building plan here is not to go back to the same old marriage, but to work together to have a wonderful new one, a much better one.

Most folks don't plan to go out and have an affair. They get entrapped in one, especially if a friendship developed first.

If you have done the reading, you know that you can have no contact with the affair partner ever again. Also you need to be an open book to JustEmpty, as her trust level is probably very low right now. That doesn't mean it will always be that way, just at first.

It is also advised to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together. That is mainly to build new memories. Recovery is hard, but doesn't have to be all work.

Hopefully some of our wonderful X-WS's will pop in here and help you through all of this.

Welcome <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am BS and a FWW.

Quick ideas:

1. Listen, listen, listen (do not try to fix the problem). Stay in the room, give eye contact, and make remarks that show you are listening. Be attentive.

2. Help out with things around the house without being asked.

3. Do nice things/ make thoughtful gestures that show you care and do listen to her (example: if she has been really stressed--give her a day at the spa)

4. Do the things you did for her when you were dating...you know what she likes. Just do it again.

5. Be supportive/her friend

6. Remember foreplay with SF. Keep it interesting. Make sure she has an O. Sometimes make it really loving and romantic, and others...well, you know the rest. Hold her afterwards.

7. Plan dates regularly where you handle all the details

8. Be romantic

9. Let her know you appreciate her and why

10. Show her non-sexual affection too

11. Answer any and all questions about the A (even if you think it will hurt her)

12. Be transparent in your actions

13. Earn her trust back

14. Be willing to do whatever she needs you to do to recover from your A

15. Do not let resentment build up

16. Understand your A, so you do not do it again

Mimi, Yes, thanks, I know I can't change the past, don't we all wish we could! I will forgive myself in time, I am sure, but it is very hard not to beat myself up!!

Improving, Thanks so much, It's amazing, all your advice, my BS has been telling me the same, it's like she replied, very errie!! Thanks

No problem. I agree that the ENs are so important. I really understood the concept and how it contributed to the trouble in our M and why we did not feel loved, though we were. Each person feels loved in different ways.

Can you tell me a bit more about what ended your A and why? Did it just die a natural death? If you were the one that stopped the A, why?

Were you unkind to your BW when you were cheating? Did you feel guilty when you were? My WH is angry all the time. He is not himself. Others have commented on it too. He is not this person: a liar and a cheater who destroys his children and his wife with no sign or remorse. He is so much better than that. That is why I still want it to work...I know the man underneath all that. I just see him so rarely anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Did you feel bad about the affect on your kids? Did you even acknowledge it to yourself. That has been the hardest...watching my kids fall apart and hold their arms out begging him not to leave. I can take the pain for me, but I cannot bear to watch theirs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Believer, Thanks for your kind words, JE has lots of good things to say about you, I think you have helped her. I am very serious about having a great marriage, hopefully this will make it even better than before, sad to think this is what it took. The A was indeed not planned, it just happened before I knew it and then got way out of control. I wish I could thank the woman that called JE to tell her about it. At the time I was angry that someone would "but in" and spill the beans even though the A was already ended. But now I know it was a wonderful decision on her part. I do understand JE'S low trust level and I don't blame her. I do hope some X-WS'S will post and help me through this. Sorry it's taken me so long to make my first post. I think there are many caring people here that truly want to help. I truly want to be the best husband I can be. I should have asked for help a long time ago. Thanks again

Lostone,

Just a few thoughts. Is it possible to look at JE as a woman, and not a young girl? I know women don't like to age. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> However, I think for your marriage to flourish, you two need to work together, and that requires respect on the part of both of you. You are a team, and what that requires is that you are on the same page about the important things. Oh! you can disagree from time to time, but basically that should lead to a negotiation to a situation you both like.

You heard the tips about listening to your W right? But, what you are you listening for? That is the issue, isn't it? When you listen repeat what you think you heard her say, so that you and she know you understand. This will help you understand HER perspective on situations. You also heard not to try and "solve" problems when she talks to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Us guys LOVE to solve problems, but women often like to just talk, they don't have an agenda or action items, or at least not until things have been talked, and talked, and talked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> to death. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I am now ducking the incoming shells. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My point her approach to things will be different, accept it, enjoy it, kid her about it, and let her kid you. BUT, remember this you are both on the same side of things and she NEEDS to know you have her back emotionally, as well as financially, and surely with respect to your vows.

She is hurting, instead of weighting for HER to bring up some of the issues you KNOW she is hurting over. Ask her how she feels about them, listen to her talk, don't defend, and simply start things from your end rather than waiting for her. You are not her counselor, but you are her H and as such you more than just about anyone needs to know what is happening with her.

Finally, let her be the W you need and YOU be the husband she needs. You both need each other...show it.

You don't need plan A, what you need is to respect her, engage her, love her, and yes listen to her.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

LO

welcome to MB.

I am a FWW or FWS like yourself.

You have had great advice from mimi & improving and believer and jl , very wise people.

Now the big thing I would add is to ask you to really accept that YOU chose to cheat, that nothing anyone did 'caused' you to have an affair.
Because NOTHING your w or anyone did MADE you have the affair.
This is very often so hard to really accept. As a FWW I said it but it took a while to ACCEPT the truth of it.
I CHOSE to have an affair.

There are many circumstances and reasons why I chose that and probably many why you chose it, but we did CHOOSE to have an affair and reasons are NOT excuses. There simply is NO excuse.

BS I think need to hear that from us FWS. They also need to know WE understand it.

I would recommend counselling, get good MB counselling if possible - there is a good guide to obtaining counselling on this MB site - if you have not done so already.

If there are any questions you want to ask pls do & I will try to help or maybe get others who can ans your question to contact you on your thread.

This is hard, its very often horrible and running away can seem so attractive..but dont you dare. It takes some courage to face your short comings and actually do something about it. When you need to vent come here dont do it at home. you can yell at us and we wont feel a thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Its good to see you already getting some useful advice and I pray you both may find your way to a great M.

Good morning. JL got the talk, talk, talk thing right. I think most men don't get that about women. We tend to work out our problems by talking.

I think my biggest question after I found out was how it happened, and how my husband could keep from letting it happen again. Sadly, my husband didn't want to talk about any of it, and after 3 years, we are divorcing.

Good morning LO, and welcome to MB. I am always impressed when a WS comes to the boards. It shows that they truly want to do right by the BS. I am both a FWW and BS. You have gotten great advice so far. I would just add that you need to accept responsibility for the A and create boundaries to ensure this never happens again. Be open and transparent to JE as well as accountable for your time.

You may want to check out the book "Every Man's Battle" as well. Excellent material for a man trying to overcome sexual sin and weakness.

Welcome, Lost. JE is a good buddy, and we're glad to see you here.

Lost - Hope you are hanging in there, and figuring out why the affair happened, and how you can step up and help JustEmpty get through this.

just wanted to throw out another welcome! you have some of the best women here responding to you.....ask away. its a hard road to navigate alone!!

Lone - I will add my 2 cents, feel free to give me back some change <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You have a slight history of cheating here, my words of wisdom, (baahaa) are for you to soul search, and figure out what character flaws led you to this path of cheating.

If you do not fix the problem, then you will cheat again.

For instance, I have conflict avoidance issues (not good in a marriage) I have low self esteem (felt great the OM building me up) GAG I have low self worth, I am a people pleaser, I was weak, I could not say no, I could go on, but then you people might think I'm messed up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Figure it out, the WHY, then self improve, I believe it is a must for personal recovery. I believe it is a must for the BS to see you take action in your personal recovery, and if they see this action, this self declaration, it will help rebuild the M.

Oh and are you completely through the withdrawals of the A, do you now see it for what it was, or do you still think you were "in love"??? just curious as to where your head is.


KY

Improving, Thanks for the reply, sorry it took so long, no excuse, just I am new to this. To answer the questions, I ended the A, I just could not deal with it anymore, so I guess that is natural death? I don't feel as if I was unkind to my wife during but now I can't see how I I could be any more unkind than what I had done. Yes I always felt so guilty but for some unknown reason, I kept going back, guess I could not say no, until finally I got so far over my head I had to end it! Yes I felt terrible about the affect it has had on the kids, even though we both try and involve them as they are teenagers and a very difficult age. We both know that no matter what we have to continue to make their rearing first priority. I hope this helps, again I am new to this and it is a bit akward for me, I do know I need to do this and get the help from all the wonderful people here.

JL,
Thanks for the reply, It's funny after 52 years and in relationships for 34 or so years, what you said is "dead on" women do like to "talk" and men do like to "solve". I have never been a good listeneer, but do know I have to be be be my wife's best friend, which I so desparately want to be. Thanks so much for your insight and help LO

AW,
Thanks for the kind words, I know JE has been listening to you since the beginning. I have accepted that I and only I am the one for all the hurt, pain , suffering inflicted by the A. JE has told me she accepts some of the fault or blame but i know it was all my selfishness and needing attention. Yes I did choose and I regret it so much! I also agree about no excuses, there are simply none. Again you are so right in saying how much good advise is here from such wise people. I only hope that some day I too can be a wise man and offer much needed advise to other hurting ones later. I do not know when that will be but I truly hope I can be on the other side sometime! Thanks so much LO

Hello Again, Need help again, My BS had a trigger last night as a few of her friends came over to scrapbook. They have not done this in quite a while and when my wife opened up her book the renewing of vows pictures were there. It triggered her and she could not continue and had to do something else while all her friends scrap booked. She has like gone back to how she was just after D-Day. What can I do to help her get thru this relapse?? I feel so terrible again for what I have done, but this is not about me I want to help her!! I do feel so lost on this type of problem solving, It probably is so simple but I have a hard time getting it!! Lostone