Well, there will be lots of ups and downs. That is why we call it the rollercoaster.

Have you figured out her top emotional needs, and are you trying to meet them?

Is she in counseling? Your d-day is just a little before mine. If she wants to talk off list, let me know and I will give her my email.

The triggers are rough, but it helps talking about them.

blessings

By the way, your wife always talks kindly about you. She said that you stepped in and were her white knight in shining armor.

I really wish that you would both post. (Sorry, TJ from your other thread).

Anything about my wedding still makes me ill.

The biggest help my FWH can be to me for something like that is to just be affectionate and loving, and it smooths the bumps a bit. Everybody's different, but for me a hug goes a long way.

The problem is that I was involved in my A when we renewed our vowels!!!! So any rememberence of that day is an instant downhill ride on the coaster!! Lostone

of course it is. have you asked her what she needs from you right now?

Yes, and she said that I can't do anything, she has to deal with the feelings, and fix herself. Lostone

Oh. No wonder your wife was upset. I don't know the answer to that one.

My husband took me to Las Vegas for our anniversary the first year he was having the affair. He did the whole bit - wined and dined me, bought me a diamond necklace. When I found out, I was very hurt. I mean, why pretend?

Is she in counseling?

Lostone,

You said
Well, she is right AND she is wrong. You can do something, you can tell her you love her, you can ask if she wants to talk about it...ANY TIME. And you tell her you are so sorry for the pain of this. She will need to know that you "get" how hurt she is, although you really won't fully understand it as you are not her.

But, you can hold her when she triggers and she will. It is part of recovery.

God Bless,

JL

I'm just curious about the WS mind. Why would you renew your marriage vows when in the middle of an affair?

I have told her I love her and how sorry I am and that I am here for her if and when she needs me. She is so withdrawn right now and it makes me soo sad that I really can't do much. I am hoping that she will come around real soon. What a roller coaster ride, just 2 days ago we were on top loving every second life has to offer, and now after the trigger, we went to the bottom at 70 mph and 200 foot drop. I hope we can ascend to the top again soon, as I don't like it down here. Why does here emotions trigger mine so much? It's so wiered I like to say osmosis (sorry for the spelling) when she is happly, I am and when she is sad, I am sad and feeling guilt again that I know I am the one that is causing all this. Boy how I wish I could turn back time!!! I guess we have to play the cards as they are dealt.

Now about renewing the vowels while in the A. I knew this was coming and I deserse it. I was in the fog I guess and living a double life not thinking I would be caught or really not thinking at all for that matter. This has been the one thing that has made me upset the most. I look back and defend it with "what else could I have done" Tell her I am sorry I can not renew the vowels because I am seeing someone else. So no again like I have always done like in my other 2 marriages, I took the easy way out and pretended. However now looking at the pictures I was not into it and looked so distanced. That is why she is upset or just one reason, because she did not see me not myself. I hope this kinda makes sense as to why I went ahead and renewed my vowels for her and not for me. I would love to have the oppurtunity to do it again sometime but she says she will never do it. That hurts but I do understand. Hopefully time will heal and we can be in love more than ever and have a greater M than before also. Thanks again to all that are with me. The writing or posting really makes me feel better and spilling my guts is better than keeping it in or sweeping it under the rug, as I have always done, just didn't know it doesn't always work if it ever works. Lostone

Wow, renewing your vows for her, but not for you, makes no sense at all.

Your wife really admired you, so I can see why this would be so hurtful to her. You went from a white knight in shining armor to a cad.

If I was her, I'd toss all the pictures. They are fairly meaningless. I hope you didn't spend a lot of money renewing the vows.

Anyway, the roller coaster goes up and down a lot at first.

By the way, did you write a no contact letter to the OW?

Not yet on the letter, as I thought it was not necessary, but I am going to do it probabaly tomorrow. I know I need to do it for her. I really feel like a POS right now, wife is very upset, and I get very bad emotionally when she is upset. BTW what is a cad? Lostone

{{lost}} your comment about your moods being tied to your W's worries me. You sound like you have a co-dependent relationship. You both may want to read a book called Passionate Marriage by Snarch. He addresses emotional fusion in it. You can also check out some co-dependency books like "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

BTW, during his first EA/turned PA my H bought me a new ring..sort of a replacement for my engagement ring that I couldn't wear anymore. The problem was he didn't mean it as anything other than passifying me at the time. I cannot bear to look at that ring and refuse to wear it.

A cad is the opposite of a knight in shining armor.

A no contact letter is always suggested. In your case it is not so much about informing the OW, but in making your wife feel safe.

There is one here, somewhere.

Here is one suggested by the Harleys -

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Well then right now I am a cad, hopefully I can be here knight in shining armor, in fact I never considered me a knight thruout hte M. I never realized it till after D-Day when she told me. I never for some strange reason, knew the love and admiration she had for me. I do now, just hope I did not do so much damage that I will lose her forever. I don't know if I can go thru that. I always thought of being John Wayne but I know now I am far from that. Thanks Believer for your help, this board is helping me so much, I never knew, in fact i would get upset that my wife was spending so much time on it, but know I truly understand, thanks again oh so much!!!! Lostone

It does not work and probably led to your A. Be honest. If you evade or omit things, these are still lies.

"Codependent No More" really helped me to understand the dynamics that contributed to my depression/anger/resentment/pain, and what contributed to my A.

Now, I know I can only control me and that is what I am doing. It is quite freeing actually.