lostone: So, let me get this straight:

You are real sorry you had the A, and you would do *anything* to set it right...EXCEPT pay $75.00 because it would offend your principles. After all, you were a lying, cheating SOB six months ago, but now you're a changed man, and she should trust you and forget that for the past several years you've been lying you a** off to her.

Get real...I don't believe that your phone records are clean. No one with an IQ over 50 would believe you either.

SO, get with the program and pay the $75.00, and take the sh*t you so richly deserve.

Lostone,

You said and asked
Yes, you are wrong. In fact you WANT her to check on you constantly. Trust me on this, the more she checks, the more she finds that you are doing what you say and you are where you say you will be, the MORE confidence she will have in you AND the marriage.

Lostone, YOU WANT HER CHECK OFTEN AND FOR AS LONG AS SHE WANTS. It is the best thing that can happen to you and your marriage. You have nothing to hide right? Then she will find nothing.

Perhaps, it is time for my standard lecture on trust, which by the way Harley points out one should NEVER do blindly in a marriage. Trust is nothing more than the preceived ability to predict behavior based on past events. More importantly the more recent the events the more heavily weighted they are. Now, consider what I just said about Harley. Do you see where 'blind' trust comes in. It is NOT based on data specific to the individual and therefore is not particularly useful in a marriage. Many people have it but that often leads to people taking someone for granted.

Well your W check up on you for the rest of your life? Probably not but in a way you really want her to. Why? Well it means she fears losing you, it means she is still married to you, and it means that she cares what you do. Lostone, she will come to the point that she will only check up occasionally and if your word is your bond, it will become tiring and even if she is still a bit worried, she will realize that her worry is not worth her effort...eventually.


But, the very fastest way for your marriage to recover is for her to collect data and as much as possible that tells her you are a good man, an honest man, and who you say you are. Encourage her to check. Give her email passwords, cell phone bills, whatever she wants. You will only gain by this.

As for her wanting to yell at you, I have a question. Can you take it? If so, tell her you can handle it and to let it out. However, you don't have to tolerate verbal or any other kind of abuse. So set your boundaries but if she needs to open up to anyone it should be you. Let her vent her anger knowing that once she has she will feel better and heal a little bit each time.

Doesn't sound very appealing does it? But, Lostone, part of the problem in this marriage it seems to be just based on what little I know, is that you have a hard time being in an inferior position to her, probably because you have always been the adult in the relationship. Realize that if this marriage recovers she will end up an adult as well, and frankly you will actually have a better marriage and REAL partner.

Tough stuff Loneone, but I think you have what it takes to handle it.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Lostone instead of viewing this as something that hurts you, I would strongly recommend that you consider it an OPPORTUNITY to show her WHO YOU ARE. Sieze the opportunity Lostone and make this checking a POSITIVE thing in your marriage.

JL said:



Interesting.

I find this to be true of my FWH.

He continues to painstakingly want my help in maintaining his NC with the OW. Now, he is worse than I am about this.

Plus, as JL indicates, my FWH seems to find pleasure in evidencing his continuing commitment to me and the marriage. Of course, he most enjoys the resulting ADMIRATION and AFFECTION that he receives from me in return....

Listen to JL, here..he says it best....

Yes Believer, I agree, I am probabaly more than somewhat like the typical man, LOL I am also very much like a woman when it comes to sensitivity and emotions though, so I should know how she is feeling and what is important. I know I need to think about things that are important to her. This is so hard, but we will make it through! Lostone

Thanks, JL, How could I be so blind, You do say it best! I never seen it that way. Thanks for all your help, maybe someday I can be as wise as you!! Lostone

If you truly want the trust from your W that you think you deserve the you must be completely transparent, hide nothing, even better you should provide cell bills, phone bills, etc... before she even asks, that in and of itself will earn her trust very quickly, worrying over $75.00 leaves her thinking she is worth less than $75.00 to you.
Not a very good place for her to be and it puts you back on the firing line as a prime target.

To quote Lemonman here "Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it."

WSs, not all, but more than I'd like to think about, including my WW just don't get it. Be open, up front, if she hears bad or good it should come from you first.

Anything you think she might want to know provide it to her before she asks.

Just my .02, and what I would like my WW to do!

bump

thanks believer

I have to run out - but I will be back soon to read and respond <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It really is not about the money, as I don't have any since D-Day, LOL, I am trying to understand why she wants to check up on me. I am trying to and I would be the same if I was a BS. I was just wondering how long does this last? Till I prove myself to her again? Months? , years? And yes I will get it, I am just a bit slow, well ok a little bit more than a bit slow!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Lostone

lostone, it will take as long as it takes for JE to feel comfortable. Your behavior drives some of that time table. That is why we encourage WS to be transparent in all they do. She should not even have to snoop because you giving her copies of the bills or online access, your email passwords etc..and check in often with her. Let her know your agenda. Make it your JOB to let JE know she can trust. It will come in time.

It may take years, Lost...

Thinking back to JL's post, why does this matter so much to you? What's the problem with her checking up on you? You are going to be COMPLETELY OPEN WITH HER ABOUT EVERY SINGLE THING THAT YOU ARE DOING ANYWAY, RIGHT?

As I suggested to you before, FOCUS ON THE PRESENT..FOCUS ON TODAY!!!!

Your right it should not matter, I guess I am just a bit insecure, I know I have been behaving and I think she should, but I do understand, or am trying to understand Lostone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

{{lost}}

Can I tell you something from experience? You will get it in time. You really will. You are still putting yourself back together, once you have been out of the A for a long, long time you will look back at all of this with amazement and possibly amusement.

I agree with FF.

This will take time...

RECOVERY IS EXTREMELY HARD...especially during the early stages....

So there is hope for me???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I sure hope so as this is the most diffecult time of my life....so far! Thanks for everyone's inspiration and help!!! Lostone

Hello to all again, sorry for not being on here as I was busy working and loving my wife. I am having a hard time being transparent, I guess I have never been in a place where I had to be, so now I must learn how to be that way. Any pointers on how to do it? Or do I just do it!!! Also I am still afraid of losing her. I am also afraid of the cell phone bill, although I know it is clean, I am just afraid I guess to face reality and face the facts of how terrible of husband and father I was. We seem to really enjoy ourselves right now and I am more happy than I have been in a long long time, I am just afraid that I will lose it, if I don't get my head out of my butt and start moving, wife is a bit impatient. OK I must go to work. Thanks to all that is helping me be the man I really am or can be!!! Lostone

Good job on the no contact letter.

Yes, your wife needs your passwords, access to bills, an accounting of your time, and any questions answered. But it won't always be like this.

By the way, have you done any thinking about the "why" of your affair?

Lostone,

Ask her what she needs or would like to have. Being transparent is scary, especially when you are not sure you will be protected by the one you love. It always sounds easy but it is not as easy as people think.

On the other hand, you are getting an idea of how she feels. If she is transparent, gives her heart to you, puts her life and future in your hands will you protect her??? She needs to know this, and one way is to do exactly what you are asking her to do, put your heart and love in her hands.

It is risky as you don't know if she will forgive you, or respect you, and certainly perhaps not protect you. But, is she worth the risk to you? That is a question only you can answer.

If you truely decide to do this, you might discuss it with her and lay out YOUR plan for placing everything you value about yourself in her hands. See if she has some ideas along those lines.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks again for the help. I will become transparent, it's just I have never had to be under the watchful eye, but I do know it's necessary after all I was a very very bad spouse. I am sure I will get used to it after a while.

About the "Why" ?? I asked this question many times and yes many answers, mostly they all sound like excuses so if it does please understand. My best honest opinion is that I felt like I was unattracted and old, balding etc. Mid-life thing. Does this make any sense? As I look back I don't think any of it makes sense other than I was selfish and not thinking at all! It was my choice and boy do I wish I could have that day back now!!! Lostone

Well, that could be it. It is a nice feeling to have someone be attracted to us.