Mimi wrote on another thread:

What I've learned is that this is the way a marriage is supposed to be TRANSPARENT...

My FWH is like Jen...informing me of his whereabouts..without me even asking...he SEEMS TO LIKE AND WANTS TO DO THIS...

It seems like a POSITIVE THING for him..makes him feel CONNECTED to me in a positive way..

So I've stopped regarding it as being due to the Affair...I've become accustomed to this as being a part of OUR MARRIAGE..

WE ARE INTIMATE..CLOSELY CONNECTED...

HMMMMMMM very interesting, never thought of it working like that, I will try it and see if it works. I hope she don't think I am telling her too much of my where a bouts and being a pain or pest. Thanks Mimi and Believer, I am glad you are here for JE and I !!!!!!!!! Lostone

Lostone,

Well, midlife explains the attraction of having the A,but does it explain how you rationalized doing this to your marriage? Something to think about.

As for the transparent, if you want to be transparent talk with your W. If you are willing to put it all in her hands and her mercy tell her you are and ask what she needs to see and hear.

I think as you do this you will see why she has had problems as well. Given her childhood you can see why she would be very leary of trusting someone. So oddly enough, you need to treat her as if she has put everything in your hands for protection. It is an awesome responsibility, but as was just posted to you, it has it's rewards.

I think you might want to consider what your age is doing to you. You are a fair amount younger than I, so I have a clue as to where your insecurities lie...tell her. Understand that she has insecurities as well, and she needs to share them with you, and have you lift them from her shoulders with kindness, care and love. You two oddly enough are pretty much in the same positions with respect to many things.

One of the things is probably due to your age difference. She is coming into her own as a woman, and she is capable of doing things for herself, hence she may not appear to need you as much. That is a change isn't it? Meanwhile, you are reaching an age where it is apparent that you cannot do all of the things you used to, and further the horizon on many things including work is now in sight. Hence you may actually need her more than you ever have.

This is sort of a role reversal, but actually what it is that you two can now truely meet as lovers and partners. You are both capable of caring the load if only you will allow the other to do it. Hence this being transparent, is more about not protecting yourself so much but allowing her to protect you and you her. You have probably protected her alot, but now it is different. Explore the differences Lostone, I think you might be surprised that you two can find if you will simply trust her with your heart and your insecurities.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

great post JL!

Nikko,
Yes I agree, I am simply blown away with JL'S post!!!! I have read and reread it at least 10 times!! Very wise man indeed. I don't know how y0ou hit it on the head JL but I think you did. No I can not rationalize of why I carried on with the A and did to my family. I really was not thinking of anyone but myself and my gradification without regard, respect or any feelings for anyone else.

Being transparent will definately make me a better husband and father, and yes gain trust back into JE. There is so much to understand, it's funny at 52 I thought I knew a lot more than at 22 which I know I do but I still don't understand it all or know it all!!

I do know we all have insecurities, I guess some more than others,and we both need to share them, that is what marriage is all about!!

It's funny about what you said about the age difference, you also hit that on the nose! In the beginning of the marriage, I was her father figure, although I did not know it and she looked up to me for everything. We had children very young at least she was, she had 4 kids by the time she was 21, and of course I was 38 when the twins were born. Now a few years later, she was going thru Nursing school and getting out and coming into her own. Now prior to the collage she was a stay at home mom that did childcare and always was dependant on me, and I knew it, and provided. Now after her schooling I realized she really didn't need me, or at least this is my thinking at the time. Now all of a sudden, I am somewhat scared and insecure, etc. Your right in I am older now and can not do the things I used to and in some cases i do not want to do the same as this part of my life is different than when I was young. The things I thought of as important when I was younger, like washing the car weekly means nothing at my age now. I know now that we think different at different ages, and I am sure when I get near elderly I will again think entirely different than I do now. Yes I do think I need her more now than I ever did and ironicly she probabaly needs me less! Scary isn't it?

So for me to be transparent is for her to protect me or to allow her to and for me to protect her as well. Yes I always protected her and never felt like I needed protected. Is this a man's thinking or just my thinking? I come from that generation where the men worked and the women stayed at home. Maybe I watched too many John Wayne movies, He never needed and protection!!!!

OK got to go watch a "chick flick" with JE Thanks to all especially you JL You really blew me away tonight!!!!!! Lostone

bump

Lostone,

You said
I was a year or two older than you when I came to this site almost exactly 7 years ago. I registered some months later. What you now know is why I picked the screen name I did.

I realized very early on that when it came to relationships and marriage I was JUST LEARNING. I have been very fortunate in my life and therefore my ignorance had not hurt me or my W too bad, but MAN when I started reading here, a whole new world opened up.

Trust me on this, if you continue reading, posting, asking questions on this site, YOU will be a changed man. Not because you really set out to change but because you will see things sooo differently and seeing things differently, changing perspectives, automatically leads to changes in you and your marriage.

Your W has fears, you have fears, but what you both should fear is continuing the marriage you have and NOT having the marriage you can have. As you address your fears and issues and let her help you, and as you begin to see how much she has overcome and still has to overcome, you will feel for her like you never have.

I think you have a good woman on your hands, a tough woman, but ones that wants nothing more than to be loved, cherished and respected while giving the same things to you. The only real issue in my mind is will you let her and will you cherish what she can offer you?

Become her friend and partner, and YES her lover, and I think you will find that you will have gained more than you can possibly repay. She needs a man that loves her, Lostone, no matter your age, your physical problems, you can do that as long as you draw breath.

Now does this sound like a lot of "work" to you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It is not, if you focus on the reality of things and quit worrying about how you think she sees you. Lostone, this rebuilding marriage stuff can be frustrating, annoying, sometimes very painful, AND FUN. Have patience you have the rest of your life to practice, but don't burn daylight NOT being the husband she needs.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks again JL, You are truly inspirational !!!!!! and wise too, LOL Lostone

Hello to All again,
I am back , sorry for the delay, just busy working and also school vacation with wife and kids. We both had a great time this past week. We all went to the mall for a day and ate out as a family. This does not happen often as our busy schedule and also conflicts as I now work evenings and wife works days, trying to change this asap. I know I made a mistake taking a promotion but having to go to evenings for it, so now I am stuck for hopefully a short time. Also oldeer Son and Daughter both work and to get everyone off together is very difficult, but we did and had a wonderful time. We also managed to go sking for a day during vacation. My wife had a trigger that day as we had to drive by the OW'S place of work and her hometown. I knew as soon as we got close I made a mistake! It is terrible how such a thing triggers the BS. The fact is there is really no other route to get to the ski mountains. So now she says she will stay home rather than deal with the feelings. Any suggestions on how long the feelings will remain with her and if they will ever go away enough that we can drive by her place of work. I can not imagine how people go thru this when the OW or OM lives in the same town or friends of the BS or even related to the BS. Any way we ahd a great time as a family and it felt good!!

My wife talked to me the other night about telling the children about the A. She posted it to the board and got both answers to tell or not to tell, so we talked it over and decided that I would come clean with them and tell all! It was very hard to do, but I believe I had no choice! I too came from a broken family and my parents never told me anything and I did not want my children to go on like that. After all they are 17, 15, and 14yo twins. The two older ones actually knew what happened. I did confess and told them and answered all questions very openly, then we all like confessed our things, ie. kids and their problems growing up and other kids teasing, etc. My wife even confessed to our children about her abuse during her childhood and also drug and achohol related issues. Wow! I know we all have skeletons in the closets. I do feel so much better now that we can talk about anything as a family in the open. I do hope our children will feel comfortable and come to us and tell us how they feel. Now the biggest question they had to me and I am still having trouble to answer it myself is WHY??? Why did I choose to have an affair? When will I figure this out? My wife continues to ask me if I have figured it out as to so I won't do it again. I know in my heart I will not but I do agree that I do have to know why so I can honestly prevent it from happening again. Any body here that can give me some insight as to why I had to go out and find someone to meet my needs??? I know I am asking a lot! So I guess I am still lost or somewhat clueless. What was in that fog I was breathing?

Now about being transparent, I am doing better, I think. The cell phone bills came in that she ordered and there was no calls made to the OW or from her like I knew there would not be. She really has not told me much about them. I still have some feelings about her checking them and not trusting me. I do understand that she had to do this and that she will continue to do this. Now am I wrong in thinking she should tell me thanks for being honest and not finding any contact like I told her? Or is this again my selfishness thinking she should tell me she is sorry for not believing me. I am just thinking that she should tell me something. I guess I am a bit confused. Like I said before I never in my life had to be transparent, so its a little bit virgin territory for me.

I am now carring her cell phone for a while and she is carring mine just in case the OW calls my cell because of the NC letter that was recently sent out! We did recieve a call from the OW'S work phone on our home phone. It was made when neither of us was home and the wife questioned me about her work number. I really did not know her woirk number as I never called it. Anyway my wife toggled thru the phone missed calls and BAM!! up pops the OW's company name. This happened the same day that I think the NC letter would have reached her. So we are a bit concerned that she will try and call or make contact. Wow!! This is crazy!!

OK one last thing I want to talk about, I am sorry for the book tonight but I just feel like spilling my guts. My wife only wants me to use the puter to go on this site. I like to read the news on Yahoo and check my 401K online and look in Ebay etc. but she really don't want me anywhere but here. I will do as she wishes and hope as time goes by I can expand my internet surfing. As with so many A'S nowadays mine did start online so I do understand her fears so that is why I really do agree and respect her wishes. I understand but I just feel like she is controlling a bit too much. I know the controlling comes from her abuse as a child when she had no control over it so now she has to control. I know I need to be transparent but I still need to have a little slack on the leash. OK I better go as I think the bombs and rockets and baseball bats are going to hit me, but really try and understand my side.

OK Thanks again to all that have helped me and to those that are still helping me. I do have a long road ahead of me but I think we are going in the right direction!! Sorry again for the long post and also for not posting earlier than tonight. Lostone

Lostone, is there any way JE can monitor your internet usage? I understand why she's leary.

I'm an FWW by the way, I probably have already introduced myself but if I have I've forgotten. I also talk to JE a lot on Idiotville.

I think you definitely did the right thing telling your children. It's the first thing my H and I did after d-day.

My son took it ok, my daughter was very upset and didn't talk to me for a few days.

HOWEVER, my daughter and I are as close, if not closer, than we've ever been before. My son and I also have a wonderful relationship.

It's been documented on the board that when my H exposed to the OM's wife, I told my daughter and she rang my H that night and said "Dad, you've got BALLS."

We did laugh (after telling her off about her language).

They never asked why.

lostone.....get a monitoring program on the computer and have the reports sent directly to her e-mail. if you want to be transparent.....then do it. she wants to monitor the computer because you proved to her she shouldn't have trusted you with it. it has nothing to do with her childhood abuse...it has to do with what you did. pure and simple....you proved to her she shouldnt trust you....now its time to prove she should. stop looking for reasons for her distrust other than you blew it. you want slack on that leash....earn it.

also---since you admitted your affair started on the computer.....what precautions did YOU agree to as far as the computer goes and are you sticking with them??

Kiwi,
Thanks for the reply. Yes she can monitor the internet usage as i do not delete the history, she can always check it and see I have been good. It's a matter of me telling her I would not go on it after D-Day (May 05). So it's a open and honesty thing. I guess I don't really need to go on it other than MB. I do like to check out current events on Yahoo home page etc. but that is off limets also to me. hopefully someday the reins will be loosened. Maybe I'll start reading the newspaper, LOL. There was also a issue about me using the internet at work, for a while I could not access it but now I can and she didn't know as i failed to tell her, oops not very open or transparent, so I do deserve some of the learyness, so now I vowed not to access it at work. i know time will heal some of this and I will have some of my Liberty back its just this transition period that is hard to deal with. I'll be ok and I will do as I promised!

I do feel excellent about telling the kids, although they have not said much after I have, but too I work evenings and don't see them till my nights off.

Now to top things off my wife's best friend acroos the street from us with kids the same age and friends of ours, her husband confessed to her last night of his affair for the past few months to his bookeeper. He is apparently in love with the OW. So now I'm afraid we are going to go through all this again with her and her family. I know JE is the perfect woman to talk to and I am glad Sue (the neighbor) has her to confide in. I also think JE will get her to join here and have all the wise people here help her through this.

One question for you though, Does your H have triggers or did he soon or not so soon after the A??

Thanks again so much it is great talking to another FWS as I know you understand. Lostone

Here is some guidance, Lost...

I have concerns about the following comments that you made..





Sounds like the conviction to become OPEN, HONEST AND TRANSPARENT is totally coming from outside of you. You are not understanding how this is essential for any HEALTHY MARRIAGE. This is not SHORT-TERM behavior that only occurs during RECOVERY...This behavior needs to become a part of who you are as a MARRIED MAN..You should WELCOME AND EMBRACE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE YOUR DAILY ACTIVITIES WITH YOUR WIFE...You are beginning to sound sarcastic about this as if it is a bother and that you can't wait to GET YOUR FREEDOM BACK...

That's the impression I get..maybe I am reading this wrong...

Have you been reading the Harley books such as HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS or the viewpoints on this site about MARITAL RULES? I think that would be helpful.

lost one...let me make you a proposition.....would you like to trade what you have to get use to for what JE now has to get use to and her "new" reality???!!!!

Nikko,
You are right, no I would not want to trade! Thanks for reminding me

Mimi,
Don't get me wrong, I do not want all my freedom back. I do want to be transparent and yes I understand it is long term. I just need to talk to JE and set up and understand her boundries. I am sorry if I sound sarcastic, I can be at time, like we all can at times, but not this time, sorry to how I came across. Lostone

i'm glad i gave you a gentle reminder---you dont want a can of this whoopass!lol

go to her and tell her you dont want to screw up----so lets make an agreement and get this all out.....

ok lost---are you going to keep sneeking internet use or are you serious about saving your family and marriage. you seem very much like my hubby----it took years to finally get anywhere---is that the he// you want for yourself and your family. she will find out about lies....it always comes out.

choose lost----your own wants and needs and comfort...or saving your family

OK OK OK no internet for Lostone!! Ouch!!!! No big deal, and no I do not want any cans of whoopass, had some prior and I do not care for it, LOL Lostone

good---now go hug her and tell her its from me too!!!!