lost one---there is no way to adequately describe to you the devastation of something so "minor". (minor to you---not the bs...) and by the way----this has almost nothing to do with the internet...it has to do with her being able to trust your word. she may not even know that yet...believe me...i've been there....you have to be very clear in what you are going to do and not do....then stick to it as if your very life depends on it....because to JE---hers does.

OK Thanks again so much, I guess I do not get it yet! she says I don't! I will give her a hug tonight for you, Lostone

how are you holding up with whats going on with the neighbor...im sure its dredging crap up for you.

Doing fine with the neighbor, actually JE is talking with her, as I don't think she wants to even look at a man right now, LOL. Also don't know if JE has posted about her either so probaly let her handle it as she is much more smarter or well versed in this. Also neighbors going on is much different than ours, My A was over for a while (6 months) before D-Day and I want to R. He is deep in the fog and says he loves his OW who is also married, and does not want to R his marriage. Let JE tell you about him and what he did yesterday! OK Thanks again, You really are helping me, P.S. I did not give JE a hug for you last night as she was sound asleep and has been very tired!! I will hug her today for you! I did go to her work today and take her to lunch and brought her a rose!! Lostone

Good Stuff!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

good job lost....hopefully you won't be lost for long. i cant write much....im not even supposed to be up but wanted to check on you....je can explain why im not on today....

slow baby steps.....

No, I don't think I'll be lost for long, although I am a slow learner. Good luck on you medical stuff, JE told me. Lostone.

P.S. She gave the rose away!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> It gives her headaches, LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

dont be mad......you did something nice.

since you put up the angry face i have to ask....after being married this long how come you dont know they give her headaches??? i know your not happy with the outcome of what you tried to do....but come on....you should know her allergies. lol

this is why the road is long.....lots to learn.

wanna hear something funny---well funny to me. after d-day my wh was so stubborn. i couldnt get it out of my head he didnt even bring me flowers or anything to try to make up for it...like flowers are ever gonna make up for this...lol. but i was ****** bent for months about the flower thing...i even posted it here....well he finally, begrudgingly, months and months later got me a bunch of roses and a half assed im sorry....right after i put 'em in the vase i proceeded to cut their little heads off!! i was soo p.o.'d at that point.....

keep trying. do you know what her needs are and do you know what her love language is??

Nikko,
How are you after your procedure??

No I am not mad, I was just joking, and yes I knew she don't like flowers, it was the thought of it and me taking the time to stop and buy one for her that counts! I should have bought carnations, but not the same, I wanted to buy one rose for the meaning, LOL she told me I should have bought a yellow one! no I'm not hurt or mad, she just being honest!

I do know her needs, but you got me on the "love language" hmmmmm Lostone

lost---im ok---little sore but good.

ok--the thought was a good one.

about the love languages....its a book....THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. it desribes that there are 5 primary love languages...and we each show and recieve love in different ways. its a guide to figure out yours and hers.

to make it simple.....buying a gift for person a will send them into a loving tizzy....while person b will say....its nice.

person a recieves acts of love through gifts. person b doesnt. they may actually get more worked up over the giver doing the dishes.(acts of service.) once you know her love language----you then have a map of how to show her love in her language.

it took hubby forever to get this one.....coulda saved him tons of wasted time...lol he refused to learn though....he has since learned....

i had a thread once about hamburgers....i'll try to find it...it was quite funny....there were even t-shirts made!

This is starting to remind me of my WH. Roses are nice for someone who loves roses. And yes, you get credit for giving her something. But why not give her something she wants? I don't even know JE except for on this board, and I know what she wants.

My WH, even after years of marriage, would always ask if I wanted to go to a certain restaurant which I hated, and he knew I hated. Then he would do the "poor me, I was only trying to do something nice" act. GRRRRRRRRRR.

He also couldn't ever figure out what to get me for a gift. I love plants, books, animals, jewelry, and tons of other things. It was just not that hard. It was an excuse for laziness.

But this is RECOVERY..

A VERY DELICATE PROCESS IS GOING ON HERE...

Lost..give yourself credit for giving her the roses...

If anyone is talking to JE, I tried to last night..it will be ESSENTIAL for her to participate in the RECOVERY process..

GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS towards the FWS is necessary.

Seems like Lost felt bad for trying...

Thanks to all. I do feel much better now. I hope I am finally getting it!! I am so slow sometimes. Yes I know what JE wants, No. 1 openeness and honesty!! As for gifts she is hard to buy for she normally gets what she needs herself. I think hand made cards with hand written notes means the most to her. I will try and find that book "The Five Love Languages" I do understand that all people are different and what spins my prop my not spin someone else. Thanks to all the wise people here, Lostone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

so what is your recovery plan and what is your plan for meeting her needs. you believe open/honesty is her number one...what is #2,#3,#4,?????

we can help with you meeting them if we know what they are....and what are yours?

Uh OH I'm in trouble now, LOL I am not a planner, so I really don't know my recovery plan right now, I need to do some research and devise a plan. As far as a plan to meet her needs, I just need to be constantly thinking of her needs and fulfilling them all the time.

Her #2 need is Family Commitment, #3 is Domestic Support, and #4 is Conversation.

Mine are #1 Affection, Honest and Openess, #3 Family Commitment, #4 Sexual Fulfillment.

We did the questionaire 9 month's ago, I hope I got hers and mine right, if not I am sure she knows and will let me know the correct order.

Would love to have help meeting her needs and also help with a recovery plan, I am a bit slow, LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Lostone

harley taught my husband and i to make a schedule by using a calendar. we first made a list of needs we were going to meet that week(we start with week and work up to daily). write them down and then list how you are going to try to meet them. lets start with family commitment....first off how does she see family commitment??? is it game night? is it you taking care of the family so she can get a break...first define how she wants it met...ask her.(its discussion time...lol) then get yourself a small calendar and write in on lets say...mon. and wed. what your gonna do to meet it. tues may say write small love note. thurs...sit and tell her you want to answer any questions she has....tell her she has thirty minutes then your gonna give her a backrub.....do you get the idea. at first you can do 2-3 days a week until it becomes habit...then everyday. she should do the same. also take one day to review how you are doing and ask how you can change it?

more later---kids comming home....

did we lose ya???????

lost---you are at a critical time....could be make or break time???? why are you not in counseling with the harely's????? i really think you should call them.....

bumping this up---

Nikko,
I is still here, LOL I thought two days ago it might be make or break time, JE just had a bad day, and somehow that drags me down, I know I should be strong when she is weak and vice versa, but no I get into a bad mood or drug down when she is having a bad day! Then she has me read a post by someone that is in 4 months recovery and she still wants to call it quits, so I take it as this is how she feels, and I get in the break it mode. Actually she just wanted to show me other people feel as she does. What got me going downhill is she told me she will probably never love me again because of me lieing on my children's lives to protect my A and also renewing our vows as I was still having the A and in the fog. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I too don't know how I did these things but at the time I thought I had no choice but to protect my selfish cheating self. So wow!! If I lose her for this I understand! How I wish I could bring back time!! So no I have not been in the mood to post because I was afraid of what I might say, but heck, I should say whats on my mind and take the beating if I deserve it!

Thanks for hanging in there for me, I'll be ok! About the counciling I don't think I want to go through that. I truly believe we both know what we need to do and I would like to get through this with out counciling, I bet I get hit for this one, LOL. I will just need a little help in the planning the recovery.

Also I got her top 4 EN list messed up, she corrected me, LOL 2 is conversation, 3 is family, and 4 is domestic and of course I know 1 is open and honesty!!!

OK sorry I took a couple of days off, but I had too and I been busy working also!! Thanks again Nikko Lostone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh lostone.....

i am going to highlight this....



all im gonna say is i want you to re-read that 20 times....then i am gonna walk to your house and kick your a$$!!!! are you out of your everloving mind...thank god she isnt reading your posts cause if i was her...and we are alike....i would kill ya for that!!!

you dont think you want to go through that?????????are you kidding me....think of what she is going through and she didnt even get the excitement of being stroked and screwed by another person. it was shoved down her throat because im sure "you didn't want to go through all that" when it was time to adress the issues in your marriage!!!! sweetie---you are your own worse enemy....and that statement proves to me you are nowhere near ready to have a wife like JE---you dont deserve her! you are still all about you. pull your head out of your a$$ before you loose it all.....make the darn call and set up an appointment....show her what she is worth to you!!! and learn from the best how to fix what YOU ruined!

(rant over for the moment.......)lol. but i mean it.....