Hello. I'm new here and I am so happy to have found this forum. I bought a lot of Affair books but none of them talked about the OW getting pregnant and I feel like that makes a HUGE difference in recovering from an affair.

Anyway, the situation is basically as follows (sorry it's so long-I tried to make it short I promise!): my BF and I lived together for a couple of years until we both graduated college (in Kentucky) and I wanted to go to graduate school in California (very good program). Unfortunately, though he tried, my BF was not able to get a job in CA. The job he found was in Indiana. So we are several thousand miles apart. He called me just before I was planning to go spend my winter break with him to tell me he had slept with a girl four times and she was pregnant. (this will be his very first kid as we have none-also difficult to handle) This was completely out of character for him. We have only been with each other and this is not the first time we have had to do long distance. I was in shock. I broke up with him immediately out of anger but then realized that I should not throw away our five-year relationship over this without taking the time to think about it rationally.

However, I did tell him that he owed it to me to fly out to California immediately and tell me in person and ask me for forgiveness in person. He asked if I would take him back if he did that and I said not necessarily but I definitely wouldn't take him back if he didn't make the trip. So he bought a ticket and was in California the very next day. He has no interest in the OW and I do love him.

It seems that everyone here is married (but of course I haven’t read every post!). I was wondering if anyone here had this situation before they got married. I have concerns about the difficulties involved of marrying AFTER this kind of situation. In addition, as I said it’s hard to work on trust issues when I am 3,000 miles away and the OW is about 3 hours by car away. I mean I don’t really think that he wants her but it’s uncomfortable, especially given the situation.

I am also curious about those of you who have chosen no contact. We have been told several times that we are terrible people for wanting this, but I hope that won't happen here! We (probably mostly I) am eager to cut off contact with her completely ASAP and I wanted to know if that is possible (given the pregnancy) and if so how soon? (Her due date should be in august according to my calculations.) We have decided that we won’t have contact with the OC. We went to see a lawyer during my vacation and I feel that he was not very helpful. He said that we could never escape contact with her and that my BF would have to sit down in the same room with her (w/lawyers) and come to a compromise (about what I have no idea). Also, he said that my BF will be responsible for 100% of whatever her insurance doesn’t cover for any complications with the pregnancy that her insurance doesn’t cover as well as 100% of the pregnancy!!! (Anyone know anything about Ohio law?) He is afraid of making her mad because he is afraid it could get worse somehow. I just want to be able to work on our relationship and not have this looming overhead. I don’t see how it can get worse.

The way we are going about contact with her now is she e-mails him through an address only I have the password to. That is the only means she is supposed to be communicating with him. Anyway, any advice would be useful. Or if there are posts regarding these topics please direct me to them.

Thank you!

Wewill, welcome to MB. Hon, this is not the way I would start out a marriage. If you are not married and do not have children I would run like the dickens. My life is nothing but pain because OW won't let go and my WH feels a bond with her due to OC. If you honestly think you can start a marriage this way then get into counseling with him right away.

WWR,

hi there. Welcome to marriage builders. Dont let the name fool you. it is about relationship building, not just for married people.

i can relate to a load of your story. My now h, then fiance and parter of 10 years also lost his flipping mind while we were seperated for a time and ended up sleeping with the ow and getting her pregnant. I found out about it all shortly before our wedding day. We were in a slightly unusual position in that when we were seperated h was in one country and i was in another 12000 miles away. Which meant that if h was going to be in the OC's life, as he felt he needed to be, we would have to move permentally overseas. for that and a whole bunch of other reasons not least of which that we really really wanted to work it out between us, we went ahead with the wedding and got married. It has not been easy to work through all of the pain of this situation but it can be done. i dont and never have felt like the fact that we hadnt at that time, signed on the dotted line, meant that his betrayal of me was any less.

Many people will i am sure tell you to run for your life in this situation. Some people feel that the only reason to try and rebuild in this situation is if you have children. I am sure they have a point. For me, i had been in a relationship with my h for just over 6 years when all of this happened. we had been living together for at least 5 and a half years of it. The only reason we were phyiscally seperated was becuase of a very lucrative work opportunity which came his way. when it all hit the fan i didnt feel like i could just walk away from that, such an investment of time and energy and love, without a fight.

i think pretty much everything you are feeling about now is exactly the same as anyone else on this site, whether they are married or not. i also understand the bit about it being his first child. We did not have any children either and it tore at me for ages the fact that he had given away that experience to someone whom he cared very little for, and effectively stolen it from me. it made me very angry. still does some times.

also i think you need to go and see another lawyer cause it sounds like the one you got was not very helpful.

i am not in ohio. infact i am not even in the states but i have seen enough about the place to know that the stuff he is telling you in questionable.

It is possible to cut off all contact while she is pregnant. Infact i think it is necessary to do so. You two need this time to start rebuilding your trust and love for each other. Be under no illusions here, when the birth comes, it will feel a bit like d-day all over again. If you can excise her from your lives during this time, and start healing from this together, it will help enormously to get through that time. i think from a legal standpoint it is preferable that NC happens as well. H does not want to be making any admissions of paternity, either formally or though deed until the DNA tests are done and he is established as the father. You never know, he could get lucky. It does happen every now and again.

Going forward, NC or C is the choice you guys have to make. i know right now you are for NC and i completely understand that. Sometimes NC is the right solution to the situation. I am sorry people have made you feel bad about that. in our situation we had contact. pretty much from birth. Our OC is nearly 3 now and we are heading of to court to get a formal visitation schedule agreed. Our Ow doesnt want to share so a court ordered agreement is necessary for us.

I would say though that i wouldnt make my mind up quite yet on NC or C. Some contact situations go really really well with no drama from anyone. Others go into drama overload. it seems to depend on the personailities of all involved. It is possible though to have contact with the OC and have absolutely minimumal contact with the ow. it takes planning but it can be done.

anyway, i will leave it there. i seem to have written an epic.

I hope some of it helps you. Again. Welcome to MB.

lots of love

Carolyn

I know exactly how people can make you feel so low!! I am still there but after finding this site last week and knowing that there is others out there that feel the same as me, or been there and done that. It made me drop into such a deep depression I was getting scared. But yesterday it dawned on me the ones that show their dislike and brought me down have not walked in my shoes. This past week when I feel low or confused I just go and read more and more of these posts, and just knowing that someone out there knows how I feel and I understand what they write is helping me.
The decsion about C or NC is whatever you guys need to decide together. I have read so many threads about both. My husband promised me right from the beginning about NC and tho I didnt know if to trust him him or not in the beginning, I really stayed on my toes and told him that if he did that I would have to end the marriage, but of course we did not realize then that their was a OC. When we got the papers for CS I knew that it might change. I left that decision up to my H, and the only input I put into that decsion is if he decides on having C that if we could arrange for him to pick up at a GP or GP drop the OC at our house. Cause I wasnt ready yet for the C between H and OW, not right now anyways, we was still healing.
My H decided on NC with either. I wont lie, I was happy with his decision. But I also knew that I had to make sure he was doing it for the right reason, cause I didnt want years to go by and then him blame me for the NC. So we spent many nights crying and talking, it is not easy to talk about but you need to make sure he is doing it for the right reason. And he decided that is what is best, for us and the OC. Women give up their child for many reasons, and it dont look wrong but F do not have that right without looking bad, and it is not fair.
I read a thread on here where the OC now a adult and met with them the first time, and was really understanding and I just pray that this OC when it grows up will be just understanding about our decsion.

Thank you all for responding. I think my biggest fear about C right now is that it will only be him. She is due in August and my program in grad school will last until May '07. I can't stand the thought of him having C without me there! Anyway, another quick question. I know maybe I sound bitter and angry but I am really trying to figure out a way to rebuild trust with him from this distance and it's not as easy as if we were together. So, I would like to make it impossible for her to contact him directly (call, e-mail etc.). In other words, I'd like to figure out who she can contact when the OC is born but without paying a bazillion dollars in legal fees. At the moment BF is phasing out the phone number (and e-mail) she has with other friends and co-workers to a phone number she doesn't have. So she will only have one e-mail address to contact him with (the one I and only I have the password to). But that is still hard. I have a panic attack just about every time I open that e-mail account to check it. It's just killing me right now. I don't want us to have to deal with her while I am in school here and he is working there. We have to do this together and we can't right now. We both know he will have to pay CS with the OC comes, but I wonder if deciding that requires that he see her? I know it may sound like I'm going to extremes here, but as I said, it's not easy to rebuild trust from 3,000 miles away. I wish I could move back with him but given the situation I'm not sure that me sacrificing my education is the right solution.

I know people will tell me to run but I've decided I don't want to, not yet. I think it is sad if people think the only reason to stay in a marriage or relationship is for the kids etc. I feel lik you can love someone just as much in a relationship before marriage as after. That doesn't change and that is the reason I'm staying-love. It is sad to think that people are only staying married because of kids or because they don't want the hassel of getting a divorce. I love him and if there is a possible future with us then I want it, I am just having a hard time getting through right now because I'm in school. Also, we may move to Japan for 2 years when I graduate. Partly to start our life together away from this mess and partly because it would help him get a pay increase and a few other reasons!

Anyway, thank you again for the responses!

Yes people might tell you to run, cause thinking rationally who would want to start a marriage that way??? Ask me if I was in your shoes what I would do I would say run..... BUT if you also asked me in the past if I would of stayed in my marriage if my H cheated on me.... I would of said NO WAY! But look where I am at. I did something I would say I would never do. I did something I said I would never do and I dont regret it. My first instict was to get away from him as far I could. But I looked in my heart and what i knew.
People should not stay together just because of the COM, they should be considered tho, but I do believe people give up to easy on marriage, but there are times when it should be split because in ways the effect is worse for the children for you stay. I looked in my heart, and did alot of soul searching. I knew my H, I knew what kind of man he was, the kind of F he was. And I still know to this day that he is truely sorry for the one night he made the baddest decsion he has ever made. But I know if it happened again that I wont forgive him.
You are the only one that knows your BF, no you wont trust him for some time, I hated that feeling of not trusting him. Deep in your heart do you believe that he is sorry? Is it really worth all the pain that is about to come?? Is he willing to try and win back your trust? And are you willing to try and understand his side too? You got the long distance and that is going to make it twice hard, at least I had mine there to constantly reassure my fears, so I can look him in the eyes and know. Your scared and your going to be on a roller coaster ride that you did not ask for, but you will find people on here that will understand and support ya in no matter what you decide.
I agree with alot of threads, there should be NC while she is pregnant, nor until the DNA test is done to prove he is the father. About him doing it alone?? That is a hard one cause you are so far apart. I would not want him to do it alone, I asked mine to let me know if the OW contacts him, and if she does I would like to be a part of it. But that is what we decided was the best for us both. What does he say about it???
I may not be the one to give the best of advice, I am still lost, my emotions are still raging back and forth, my wounds are so open and exposed right now, but i do know that we love each other deepley, and that our marriage is going to come first before the OW or OC, and we are putting each other feelings before each other. You will have to understand him, if he is truely sorry and he will need to understand your pain and that he has a long road ahead to gain that trust.
My heart yearns for your pain, fear, confusion, and not be able to trust, long distance is added on top of that and it is going to make it double hard (to bad he could not take some kind of job in California). And I like many others wished you did not have to go thru it because this something that i would never wish on my worst enemy.

Calm down, take a deep breath and relax. This is not a race and you can handle this.

First, the laywer was a moron. 18 years is a long time to have to pay child support. You could save thousands by gettting a good laywer today that will protect you in the future. IF your husband is the father, then he will be responsible for 50% OF MEDICAL and no more. It took two, and she is just a liable for the costs as he. That is one area that we fought and won easily on. If the bill was $10,000, our share was $5,000 and our insurance paid ONLY on $5,000 of the total bill. SHE was responsible for the other. Insurace policies can be written up anyway you so choose. Don't let anyone steam roll you here.

As for her right now? She has no reason whatsoever to be contacting him. He does not owe her support or consideration through this. Cut her off completely. No email, nothing at all. Give her the name of your laywer to contact when she has the child to do the DNA. PERIOD. There is no reason at all for contact. If you dont have a laywer, then have her contact some random friend when the oc is born. There is absolutely no need for comminication at all. Never will be if you are going no contact.

Lets assume the child is his. If you and he choose no contact, then do it. Once he is established as such, then speak to your laywer about child support (no getting around it), health insurance, etc. Then make arrangements for the payment of such. When you send child support, have it sent via a bank check, or anything that has no personal information on it. Never send her a personal check at all. Then move on with your life.

You are in shock right now, understandable. However, it is not the time for meltdowns. Now is the time to stand firm and take control. The choices you and he make are none of her business or concern. She really has very little say. If you choose no contact, she can't force him otherwise. If you choose contact, she can't say who or who can't be around that child. If you choose contact, you can also have it set up where you don't even have to speak to her at all. Really, this is all up to you two now. Her wants and needs and wishes can be totally disregarded, since she doesn't matter. Decide what it is that will work best for the both of you and move on.

So, take some time and read through this site. Educate yourself on your situation both legally and emotionally. Make sound decisions on what is best for you.

While you are speaking of pay increases, you may want to speak to a tax attorney on this. You want to see what is LEGAL to protect finances for you and your future family. But that can be discussed at a later time.

Right now, take care of you and make those decisions.

You will survive this and can thrive too. This is a small bump in the road and not worth destroying your whole life over. Get some good counseling, calling the Harleys would be a good start, considering you are miles apart. Worry about you and your relationship. The ow is not a part of that, so leave her and her issues out of it.

Take care

Lynn,

I just wanted to thank you both for your reply and your post about meeting the OC. Both very informative. Do you have any good websites to learn about lawyer fees etc? I have read some about a retainer but I don't know what that is? Do you (or anyone?) know how much it should cost (I know they vary, but a general figure?) just to have a lawyer for her to call with OC is born?



Carolyn and Thunderstorm,

Thank you both so much for sharing your stories and advice with me as well. It really helps so much to know I'm not the only one (even though I don't wish anyone else to go through this!) Thank you all so much!!!!


And another question:

To those of who who "discovered" the A...Was it hard to wonder if you ever would have been told or handling the honesty involved? WBF told me but I wonder if he ever would have if she hadn't gotten pregnant (or if he would have continued to see her). I know no one can answer these questions for my case, but I just wondered emotionally how someone else dealt with it.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time but you won't like what I'm going to say...

Lose this guy. Quick.
Just because you have several years invested in the relationship doesn't mean it's the RIGHT relationship, and you deserve better. I know it's hard to start over, but you would be glad you did in the long run.

The truth is that I don't consider the child in your situation to be an "OC"...you are not married, you were living very far apart, and for all this girl knew SHE was his girlfriend. I mean, it's very possible he told her you were and "ex"...

I have been in the situation in my past of having to realize that a man I loved was really a Class A Jerk, so I'm not telling you these things lightly. I know how painful it is...

Good Luck to you.

Hello,

First let me say that I am VERY sorry that you had that experience. But I don't think my BF is a jerk. I think he was stupid, but I don't think he's a jerk.

In fact, I do know what he told her because I got into his e-mail while he was at work and found an e-mail from her. Since he didn't know that I could get into his e-mail, I know nothing was modified. In addition, his e-mail saves his sent e-mails (which he never deletes) so I was able to see his replies (and there were none). Her e-mail to him stated that he had told her the truth which was: he loved me and not her. She said even though she knew this from the beginning she just wanted anything she could get from him (just one night etc etc). [it was quite pathetic]

Also, as I said in my previous posts I'm not here for advice on staying or leaving, I'm here for advice on dealing with the emotions of the situation and the roller coaster ride I'm in for. I don't really think that you know enough about my situation or my BF to know whether or not I should leave him. Not all men in this situation deserve to be left. He is a good man, a compassionate man, but had a moment of weakness. In her e-mail she stated clearly what the situation was (i.e. i was the girlfriend). So while I can appreciate your experience and I am very sorry that had to happen to you, I don't think the assupmtion can be made that it is equivilant to other couples' experiences and I am very, very, very sorry you had to experience that.

Whether or not the OC is an OC does not seem to depend on marriage (unless there are specific criteria for using the acronymn I don't know about). It depends on my own feelings. A relationship is a relationship whether or not there is a piece of paper saying it is one is irrelevant. We know (and he knows) in our hearts it is one and that is all that matters. We were in a relationship, he made a mistake and now the OW (no she wasn't the GF) is pregnant with the OC.

I don't want to start over for several reasons. Is it because I don't want to be lonely or I'm scared of finding someone? No, of course I could find someone. But I don't want someone else, I want him. I don't want a carbon copy of him, I want HIM. I love him and he loves me.

I hope you and I are both able to work through the pain we've experienced and come out on the other side no matter what and I am again sorry that you had such a horrible experience. I can only hope my experience will be like some of the other more hopeful stories I've read here.

Hello we will recover,

My H had an affair almost 1 year ago. The OW was also married. Our OC was born in December, and we have chosen NC. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. Everyone must do what they must do in their particular situations. I too have received flack about NC, mostly from OW's, and a couple of BSs. What I tell them and what I tell you is that noone knows the life I must live. My H and I must do what is best for our marriage first. We don't wish any ill-harm to the OC, infact we hope that she becomes a wonderful young lady.

Good luck and God bless you. I'll keep you in my prayers...

Thank you crazyhurt!

On your question about would of he told ya if he hadnt gotten pregnant, guess it will be one of the many questions that will probably never be answered. And not having answers will probably drive ya crazy off and on, it does me, my H told me the very next day, so I dont have that one question nagging at me, but still have tons of others. My only suggestion I have on that is when it starts to bother ya take a deep breath and try to tell yourself.... yes he would of told me no matter what.

Thank you for your reply Thunderstorm. I wanted to post an update to what's going on as well. I had a long talk with BF and we decided that no contact with her was best right now. So we are going to send her a final e-mail telling her our feelings and then we will send her a certified letter telling her that his phone number, e-mail etc. will all be changed and that we will contact her with the name of our lawyer before her due date for a DNA test. I think this way we will be able to work on rebuilding our relationship between now and when the OC is here. Thanks to everyone for the advice and support. I'll continue to update and I realy appreciate the continued support and advice!

I love your Charlie Brown quote!!!!!

Hello again everyone. Well I need some more advice on the no contact thing. BF and I have decided to cut off contact so we are working on a letter/e-mail to her to state our feelings and end contact. The issue is that the letter is also a reply to her e-mail in which she asks "what do you want out of this?". Now, we all know that she is not asking BF and I together, just him. I think that we should reply using "we" because we've already told her that I'm in this too. I think it is important that she constantly be reminded that she is always dealing with the both of us, not just him. He says that he doesn't want her to flip out over that and not listen to what is in the e-mail so maybe we shouldn't put it as often as I think. I guess what I'm asking is, is it important that we remind her constantly that it's "we" or should we just write the letter as if it were just him talking?

Part B to the same question is regarding visitation. BF doesn't want to rule out visitation yet being that the OC isn't even here yet but he has agreed with me that our relationship could not sustain that. I agree with him that he shouldn't rule this option out since I can't promise I'll stay in the relationship (although I'm trying). Anyway the paragraph basically says "I'm not sure what I want at this time regarding visitation. While I have no intention of raising this child with you, I won't at this time rule out that I may in the future want some form of visitation." So the question here is, should we replace these with "we"? I have no right to the kid legally but BF and I have agreed that either we are both in the kids life or neither of us is.

Thanks again for any advice. I'm a little tired so I hope this made sense!

Me tooooo!

I don't see a problem with an email from the BOTH of you. I'll let some of the other ladies reply, but I say WE is the best way to go.

Thanks for the response crazyhurt! Hmm maybe I should post the question in a seperate thread?

Hi everyone, I needed to vent so please forgive the rant that will follow...

My BF called me last night in tears. He told his mom that he wanted NC and she freaked out on him. Told him that she felt like she just had to see that kid and now she is torn because she feels like if she does that she will lose him and how hard it is for her. WHAT THE ******? WHEN DID THIS BECOME ABOUT HER? I am SOOOO mad. She doesn't care about him or me or us. I am in SUCH shock. I knew she was selfish but WOW. He calls me and says he is such a bad person for hurting me and he doens't to hurt anyone any more and he doesn't know what to do and how he will never forgive himself and everything. I kept telling him that he is a good person that made a mistake. I am SO mad at her. She is his MOTHER! She should be trying to support him and tell him he is a GOOD person and that she will stand by him no matter what!!! I can't believe this!

I told my mom about this and so my mom is going to call him and try to give him some encouragement and support since no one else will. I am trying to support him and be there for him but it is hard for me because I do feel hurt. I wanted so bad to give him a huge hug and fortunately he is flying in tomorrow (not because of this) so I will be able to look him in the eyes and tell him how good of a person he is. Has anyone else gone through this? With parents? He has always been very affected by her and her responses. He has been trying to please her his entire life and of course it is never enough and he doesn't even realize that she shouldn't be saying that. He says it just means that he really is a bad person. I don't understand how a mother can look at her son who she has raised and cared for and basically tell him that he is a bad person. AHHHH!!

Ok I'm done now, thank you...
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