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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 288
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 288 |
Are secrets in a Marriage okay? I value honesty and openness (no secrets) but my W seems to think that some secrets are okay.
C-
BS-me (40)
WW (39)
DS11 - The true light of my life!
EA (to become a PA on June 9th)
DDay Feb 5, 2006 ("I do not love you")
Real DD March 22, 2006 ("I think I am a lesbian")
Divorce Pending
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 269
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 269 |
NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!!
Secrets are damaging in a marriage!!! In fact, they are called LIES! When someone has a secret as well, they may be put in situations where they have to lie over & over to cover their tracks. This isn't healthy.
Let me give you an example:
When my H & I were dating, he let his car get repoed, but didn't tell me. I thought he traded it (but he never said one way or the other). OVER & OVER this came back on his credit when we were buying a house, vehicles, etc., then he was forced to lie - telling me he traded it & doesn't know what happened (I believed him because he went to a shady dealer - small dumpy lot - and I thought the owner was crooked). Anyway, he told his lie over & over and I even wrote letters to the banks about this debt with his story.
There is no such thing as a secret that doesn't promote lying or is a lie itself.
Lying: The deliberate act of deviating from the truth.
Keeping something from you is deviating from the truth. My H had this philosophy for most of our marriage & that is why we ended up here - one lie built on another & so on. Before you know it, he has no guilt about keeping MANY secrets from me.
Read the Policy of Radical Honesty on the site.
BS (me) 40 FWH 39
Married: 2/14/99
Together: 16 years
DD 6, DS 4, DD 3, DD 2, DS 2
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 288
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 288 |
My WW relates a secret to something that I do not need to know. She justifies this by pointing out my controlling nature. I understand that this could be babble and logic does not apply to a WS but I was just curious to see what the response is.
C-
Last edited by anon_1964; 02/10/06 06:34 AM.
BS-me (40)
WW (39)
DS11 - The true light of my life!
EA (to become a PA on June 9th)
DDay Feb 5, 2006 ("I do not love you")
Real DD March 22, 2006 ("I think I am a lesbian")
Divorce Pending
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My WW relates a secret to something that I do not need to know. She justifies this by pointing out my controlling nature. I understand that this could be babble and logic does not apply to a WS but I was just curious to see what the response is.
C- You know what? The only time I accuse my H of being "controlling" is when I am doing something I know is wrong and don't want him to know about it. Secrets are the same as LIES and erode the trust in marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 363
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 363 |
Melody,
The only time I accuse my H of being "controlling" is when I am doing something I know is wrong and don't want him to know about it.
Thumbs up!
That's what my stbxWH calls me-- controlling-- when I do not want him to be near pit babes and other young girls.
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 10
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 10 |
absolutely NOT! When you are married in the presence of GOD, you are ONE flesh. You will feel something is wrong if she is keeping secrets. Problems are coming if she feels some secrets are ok!
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