Its been now six years to our marriage and we have three kids (five year
old son, three year old son and one year old daughter).

I have been separated from my wife in mid of Dec05. As my wife was keep asking for a divorce. I thought it is batter to give her sometime to think on her decision and also take sometime for myself to think more seriously on this
matter and once we both have made our mind, we may go ahead with our decision later on but we must not take this so important decision so quickly.

The reason of asking for a divorce: me and my wife had stop the
communication with each other on very silly things (like you always find a fault in my work where as I always tried to help her to do the things in batter way) and expecting from each other to make first step to start communicating. in this duration I was getting so depressed as well as my wife was getting depressed but on the same time we both were standing firm on our ego and not to take first step to start the communication. in this duration my wife started to talk with my nephew (my nephew [age 27] was living in my house from last one and half year) and when / how the affair started I dont know but I after reading the emotional needs I can see why the affair was started because I was not fulfilling my wife's emotional needs.

when I found that my wife had an affair, I asked her to stop it and lets work out together to sort out our conflicts and lets go to couple counciling. in the begining she agreed but next day she refused and said I want to finished this relationship, I cannot live with you anymore. I was so upset after hearing all that, and had no clue what to do, I called my brother-in-law and told him about the affair and he got angry with me on the same time my wife also refused having an affair and told her brother that I cannot lve with this person anymore who is lying / blaming me with such things. since then my in laws started to hate me and keep trying to make trouble for me i.e. not letting me to see the kids etc.

In the begining my wife was letting me to see the kids but now she has refused to let me see the kids.
Now I have got the impression from my wife's recent behaviour that my brother-in-law has enforced my wife not to let me see my kids and if I try to contact her, and she must direct me to him.

I still wants to resolve the conflicts and work on our relationship but I dont know where to start. everytime I try to contact my wife she is not talking to me.

Kindly can you please assist me in this situation what is the best way to handle the situation.
me 33
wife 33

Why are you out of the home? Is this home not in both of your names? If it is, move back in right away and stay. Tell her if she doesn't like being with you then leave but leave without the kids. She created this little mess regardless of the EN's you were or were not meeting. This is on her head and she bears responsibility for it. Read about Plan A ASAP on this board. Have you exposed the A to family, friends, people of influence? As far as the kids go (I assume as you say they are "your" kids together) there is no way that she can keep you from seeing them. If she does get a lawyer and take her to court ASAP and show her that your are serious and not a doormat. Keep updating as people here are great and will be of invaluable service to you.

Thank you hopeandpray, well me and my wife both applied the council house together, but council made the tenancy agreement on my wife's name, after I left the house I contacted the council and they told me that its your metromonial home thats how the council look at it, if you want, you can go back and stay in the house. but now I dont know if I have the right to go back once I have volunteerly left the home.

I have exposed the A to my in-law and they all got angry toward me and of course my wife has refused the A in front of her family therefore I am a lier in front of my inlaws.

Since my wife had told that she will not let me to see the kids I have contacted the lawyer and going to arrange court order to see the kids but then what I think if I send the court order to my wife, will it help me to resolve our conflicts in future or it will make the situation worst. sometime I think I should hold on for a while before sending her the court order !!!

KFH,

Do you have proof of the A? Before you expose that's the first thing you should have.

If you have proof then show that to your in-laws. What is your ethnicity? Are you Asian?

I ask because in some communities an A is a great shame upon the family. Maybe you can threaten to expose to the community.

MowTin,
u got it right I am an asian, and it is a great shame in our community. well when OM left the house he left his credit & debit cards and other bank details with WW and I have shown these to my inlaws. it is something very big that my inlaws can see why someone will leave such things with someone for nothing (though there wasn't any money in OM's account). when my inlaws asked the question to WW, she just said that OM left it with me cause he was going out of country, simple is that. and then myinlaws turned up to me what else have u got to prove your statement. of course I haven't had anything else but words to say.

well my inlaws has done the job to spread it in the family and other relatives already (they tried to use this against me but without realising that thier sister is also involved in this stupid story).

Now somehow I got the feeling that my wife and her family are blaming me for all the shame they are getting from all the relatives and family members. therefore not letting me to see the kids.

Today I have recvd two drafs from my solicitors to send to WW in regards with, first one, for contact arrangement with kids and second one for matromonial matters (to reslove through madiation or couple counciling) its has been clearly mentioned in the letters that I am not interested to see my inlaws and if there is anything we we have to discuss it should be between two of us. I m not expecting that WW will accept to go for couple counciling but I m keeping my options open. let see what will come in response to these letters.
KFH

KFH,

Did you read up on Plan A and Plan B? If this is like your Plan B, then you skipped a few steps.

Are you angrier at your inlaws or your wife?

LA

LovingAnyway,
you are right I am not following either plan A or B. I have read the both plans where in plan A I should be in the house and concerntrate on my actions and try to fulfil WW EN as much as I can on the other side Plan B if WW is keep in contact with OM then I stop all my contacts with WW unless WW agreed to follow on with joint agreement policy.

but in my senario, I m out of my house and have tried to contact WW but she is not ready to talk where as my inlaws are comming in & influencing my wife on the same time. Now I didn't get the chance to apply plan A though I wanted to try it first. on the same time I m hoping A has been stoped beteen WW and OM as its been opened to everyone including WW's family and mine as well as other relatives.

I m not agnry with WW and my inlaws but got feeling that my inlaws are making the situation worst (may be they think they r trying to improve the situation, but I can see its not helping) therefore I want get in contact directly with WW and not with inlaws.
KFH

KFH,

If you had proof of the affair then your in-laws would be on your side. They would pressure your wife to straighten everyting out. It was a bad idea to expose to them without sufficient proof.

Is the affair on going? If it is you need to gather some evidence.

If you can get any evidence then maybe it's best if you try to make peace with your in-laws. Explain to them that it's in their best interest for you and your wife to reconcile. I don't think a divorced Chinese woman with two kids is going to be able to find another husband in the Chinese community. I think she's bluffing about the divorce.

Is she going to marry your nephew?

P.S. How do you know for sure she was having an affair with your nephew?

Hi MowTin
well I caught her red handed, while she was on the phone talking to OM. then she agreed that she was interested in OM but so far they haven't done anything (sex etc). later I listend their coversation cause WW was thinking to finish A but still was feeling sorry for OM. WW was confused, after I told her that we can work out on our relationship, first she told me ok and next day again she start asking for D. thats where I got mad and called her family to open the A.

I am not sure but thinking of that A is stopped as the OM is not in the country anymore and WW has changed home tel no. I can't see WW going to get married OM. cause WW has already refused in front of her family that she has got no relationship with OM. and if she has to marry OM she need to inform her family soon or later as its not possible without their permission.

KFH,

Your wife is bluffing about the divorce. It looks like there is nothing you can do to get any proof now.

Just talk to your in-laws and ask them if they really think a divorce is good for their daughter and grandchildren.

I think your inlaws are the key in your situation. Forget trying to convince of them of the affair. Just tell them that you felt there was an inappropriate relationship and drop that issue with them. Focus on what is best for their daughter and grand kids. I doubt they think that her being a single mother is what is best for her.

After they get on your side then you can get to plan A with your wife.

Thanks MowTin,
you have given me such a great advise, I will do that indeed. I know my inlaws will be desperate to talk to me once my wife will get the letter from my solicitor. and I will try to talk to them in a same manner you have mentioned. first I was thinking to avoid my inlaws. but after you have suggested, it make sense to talk to them and to bring their attention to the actual fact, i.e. forget about what has happended but to think about what we can do together, to save the relationship.

hopefully, next week sometime I am expecting the response either from my wife or inlaws. I will keep you update with the situation, thanks.
KFH