I have good days, and bad days. Today is one of the bad ones, yesterday was a good day. This morning I woke up pretty depressed. The worst thing for me is the mental images of my H and the OW having sex. He had his A while in Iraq for 15 months, and gave into his sexual urges after 5 months away from me. It was not an EA, but it was a very PA and they had sex 5 or 6 times over the course of the last 10 months of the deployment(H cannot remember exactly). The WORST thing for me is picturing the intimacy in my head, and I am willing to bet that what I am picturing happened is much worse than the actual reality of the sex. H just keeps saying "it was just sex, there was no intimacy" He swears he only shares true intimacy with me. I am so sick over this. I want to work my marriage out, I love my H dearly and he is begging my forgivness willing to do literally anything to get our life back. One day I think I'm going to be OK, the next I think I am going to die! We are going to counseling together (as I stated in pervious posts) and H has been literally "kissing my a*s" since he confessed the A. He has already told the OW - NO CONTACT, and swears he has no emotional attachment to her AT ALL. He only wants me. But, how do I get past the images in my head to start healing? It's only been 2 weeks, and I guess I should be less hard on myself, but I just hate the way I feel right now. I am sick to my stomach on a regular basis. What do I do?

As a side note, my therapist wants me to take anti-depressants, but I am a very competitive marathon runner, and don't want it to affect my running or my weight (as I am very athletically fit), so I have decided against it.

Tina - Good morning. You should think about anti-depressants. There are many out there that will not affe your weight in a negative way. Wellbutrin, for example, helped me lose and maintain my weight... But most importantly, it made me feel better, and just took the edge off when bad feelings popped up...

Side Note - I also used to obsess over the images but it takes time and you will be able to push them out of your head... Best wishes!!!

Tina - I think that the fact your husband has confessed to the A, has told the OW "No contact", is going to counselling and appears to be "kissing your a*s" is all incredibly promising. It's still such early days so the images are fresh in your mind but you have the chance of real recovery when the WS is willing to do ANYTHING to win back your trust. Time really does heal these wounds but you will find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster for quite a while to come. TT

Thank you both. It helps to know this is all natural. I do honestly believe H wants to be with me forever. I just don't want to ruin what could be a stronger marriage in the future with my mental images, and then make a decision to leave because I cannot handle them. I hope they go away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It may take some "training" on your part. I found that if I ever had any unwelcome images pop into my head, then I would immediately think of something neutral (the ocean, a tree, a pile of bricks, etc.). I also tried to keep reminding myself that the actaul sex wasn't important, it was the reasons "why" that I needed to focus on. I found that the images went away fairly quickly and now they rarely pop into my head.

Good luck.

That's a good idea. I guess for me I am confused as to "why" it happened. They say that when an A occurs there are deep problems in the marriage. My husband cheated after being away from me for 5 months (and another 10 months to go) in a war zone. I really didn't know we had any problems in our marraige, and WH says it was just for sex due to being away. So, I guess that is why I focus so much on the image, because I don't really think there were hidden reasons as to why. Maybe I am niave & stupid. I guess I am to have been stupid enough to believe my WH would be faithful for 15 months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(((Tina)))
I am so sorry for your pain. Don't you wonder how you can have flashbacks and you weren't even there? That has been none of the hardest things to deal with for me as well.

2 weeks is not very far along, so don't beat yourself up over thinking about it.

Will it help you to ask him details? I know for me I had a morbid curiostity about it. However, once he answered the questions, I saw that the scenes in my imagination were much more intense, more romantic, etc than reality. That really helped me put it in perspective.

Do you journal? That was a huge help for me when I had those awful feelings writing it down helped so much. Along with journalling, I wrote letters to him, to her and to God. Now, I didn't mail the letters, so I was able to tell them all how I was feeling.

Another thing that helped was being able to express the anger. I did that in the letters and by getting by myself to scream out at how much I hated what had happened.

Please remember that recovery is a cycle. There are going to be good times and bads. There will be days you feel like you are living all this again. Each time you deal with it, the next time it gets a little easier and easier. It is like you keep facing a dragon and each time you fight the dragon, you get stronger and it gets weaker.

Don't dwell so much on the why, focus on what is now and the recovery. Of course needs were not being met when you are 1/2 a world a way. Yours were not being met either, yet you didn't make the choice to have an affair. Know it was a choice he made- it was not about you. Work on meeting his needs and making your marriage affair proof.

May God bless you on this journey.

Tina, I'm retired military and I've been on extended deployments to combat zones. I, and the men and women around me, managed to keep our pants zipped up tight the whole time.

Tina, the following is from, of all things, a review of a book available on Amazon.com. The reviewer disagrees with the book’s premise. I don’t know who wrote it, it was done anonymously, but the review was clearly done by a professional counselor or someone with unusual insight.


Tina, what I take from the above and from what you’ve said is that your marriage may have had some vulnerabilities in it that your husband decided to solve with a series of inappropriate choices. They were his selfish, self-indulgent choices though, and he needs to take complete responsibility for each one of them. That your husband readily accepts his responsibility in having the affair is an encouraging sign.

He needs to understand why he indulged in adultery though. One can perhaps understand some of the things that contributed to his state of mind. Alone, overwhelmed and disoriented by armed combat, lonely for the first time in his life…all of these may have played a part. But…there were tens of thousands of other soldiers in the same place your husband was who did not succumb. I suggest your husband needs individual counseling to find out why he reacted to the stresses he was under in the way he did.

For my money, you most certainly should examine your marriage to see if each of you were aware of and working to meet your separate emotional and physical needs. The principles expressed in Dr. Willard F. Harley’s Surviving An Affair, and the various articles here on the MB website will help you in this. Additionally, you and he can explore the vulnerabilities in your marriage in an open, non-judgmental forum that a pro-marriage couple’s counselor can afford you.

Good luck in recovering your marriage. My thoughts are with you.

(If you want to read the whole review I mentioned above, I'll be glad to email you the URL (to an address that keeps you anonymous). I'd post it here but I'm uncertain about the MB policies on outside links.)

I'm happy to say that a lot of my mental gymnastics have been coming under better control in my life. A couple weeks ago it was so bad that I had an anxiety attack while sitting in church.

My dad, brother, DD and myself all suffer from ADD/ADHD. This has prevented me from being able to stop my mind from wondering into those areas I'd rather not. Last week I finally weent to my doctor for some help with it and he put me on Stratera.

This is not a cure, just a way to help me control my thought process better. The anxiety, I deal with through prayer. It has helped tremendously. It also allows me to control some bouts of anger and depression by not dwelling on the issues.

Just some food for thought.


FN

Thanks for all of your responses. It really helps.

Your story sounds a lot like mine only the battlefield for my FWH was our hectic home life. He also was with the OW 5 times. Sometimes (I am 8 weeks out from dday) I feel like "whats the big deal...he loves me...he never loved her...it was only sex...I will survive this" but most days its pretty dismal here. Crying, wondering, resenting, and most of all regretting that we are not what I thougth we were. Better than week 2 but still tough. All I can say to you is stay tough. I am trying my best to do the same. I cant throw all this away for 5 nights of foolishness.

Thanks again for all the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone. I managed to get through the weekend almost without thinking of the "act" of what he did. Although it does creep in here & there, it is starting to go away very slowly. I have normal moments now, 2 weeks out, and I assume that the longer we go, the more normal moments I will have.