I don't know what's worse.... knowing that she lied( had a gut feeling)... or her still denying the truth.... THIS HURTS SO BAD I HAVE LOCKED MY HEART TO PROTECT IT!!!! <screaming internally>

Last night I got home from work and she was on her cell at the end of the driveway. I went to say hi and give her a kiss ( still showering with love) and she 'protected' the phone and shied away a bit.... I asked who was on the phone and she said her Mom.. YEAH RIGHT!!! ( I held back any emotion at that point to keep peace)... she NEVER acts that way with ANYBODY on the phone around me ( except the vivid memories of a past nightmare).

I walk into the house and get stupid I guess... I called her Mom... NO ANSWER. go figure... She walks in the room and I ask why she lied about who she was talking to... told her what I did and she said it was Laura in fact.... " WHY DID YOU LIE?" Now the defenses kick in on her part and she feels controlled and no need to tell me everything... ALL I ASKED FOR WAS TRUTH!!!

Since we had a mutual long-time friend from out of town over to visit, we kept peace.... THEN IT HAPPENED...

We are sitting in the living room ( 2 hours later) and her cell rings.... She answers WITHOUT looking at who it is and her volume was WAY UP.... I HEARD HIS VOICE and she was franctically trying to lower the volume and said " you'r breaking up, hang on let me go outside." OH PLEASE!!!!

At this point our friend is still visiting... NOT GOOD. He leaves and she is STILL on the phone at the end of the driveway....

My emotions were running WILD and I could not take it anymore.... I tried to keep busy.... took a shower and gave the baby a bath... but it didn't work, emotional overload... SHE WAS STILL ON THE PHONE...

Not wanting to confront this head on in my emotional state, I quickly got dressed and got to the garage, thru on my leathers, popped the garage and took off on my bike without saying anything to anyone, except my other son to keep an eye on the baby while he was watching TV ( we have done this MANY time before while we go outside for a bit).

I had a level head as to not get stupid on my bike, but I needed to 'escape' the confines of this emotional terror.

I drove around a bit and called a friend who has been there for me in times of need and very understanding and supportive, him and his wife.

I had been gone over an hour and she called my cell and left a msg (I did not want to answer). I called her back 15 minutes later.

Her voice was normal like NOTHING was wrong.. I expected some attitude over me calling her bluff, but not an oodle 'tude' as if it never happened.

"Why did you leave?" she asked....

"I heard his voice?" silence... then a chuckle, " What?!?!" " Who's voice?"

"I can't believe you are still going to lie about OM after I hear his voice and you tell me its over and done with anyway and it doesnt matter anymore."

She gives me all kinds of excuses as to what I 'thought' I heard... and I told her straight up " I DONT BELIEVE YOU, I HEARD WHAT I HEARD.... KEEP SAYING IT TO CONVINCE YOURSELF, NOT ME" I told her no matter what excuses she comes up with I did not believe her.

This went on for 30 minutes or so... I did not go home last night... I couldn't... I wanted to, but if I did...I don't know what would have been said out of emotion that would have potentially devistated whatever is possibly left of our marriage... and I told her so.

I ended the call with this:

" I love you with all my heart and I still remain committed to our marriage and our love, you have made YOUR choice to block me out and move one, but your choice does NOT choose for me... I choose to stay committed and hope that we can rebuild what we have started over 15 years ago. I love you..."


My heart feels cold this morning...I cannot cry, though I feel the tug of tears as I type all this. I think a protection factor has kicked in. I love her with all my heart and I want to express it, but right now, I cannot find the strength to do it under the current conditions.

HELP ME, OH GOD!!!!!! I don't want to do this again.... it hurts too bad!!!!!

<tears are here... I gotta go....>

Where do I go from here?

I continue to love her and not give up... I know that... but what else?

I want so many questions answered.... this hurts soooooo bad

Need more info my man.

First off, settle down. Panicking isnt going to help. There are answers for you, but you are going to have to settle down.

Anyway, I have not read your story before so will need some background here.

In His arms.

Thank you, Mortarman, for looking up his thread.

Lost...I can hear your pain, that full-face denial of your feelings...is that what you felt?

I remember hearing OW's voice...finding out my H's code words when he talked to her. I remember his "So what?" and admitting he was still telling OW ILY's while "try to decide whether or not to commit to the marriage." I remember.

Aliens.

Disrespectful, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, distracted and addicted...aliens.

Amazing strength telling her at the end of a 30 minutes looping conversation that you were still committed. Did you tell her how you felt? Describe it out loud?

We're with you.

LA

I told her was hurt and dissappointed and overwelmed with all types of emotions. Being in denial, I don't think she comprehended, or wants to for that matter... THAT I KNOW...

How do I tell her how I feel without getting all emotional?!?!?! Hurt, betrayed, disappointed, frustrated...

She sluffs it off... understandable... I remember that. she is trying desperately to get my mind off what I now know.

I am all too familiar with the FOG.... I just dont know if I can go thru it all again like I did before....

I sent her an email ( short) just telling her I made it to work safely on the bike ( I commute 140 mile a day) and not to worry, I was safe... ended with I LOVE YOU... and talk to you later....

no response yet....

She did leave me a voice mail at 12:48am stating something I said really bothered her... guess that will come up when she calls...if she calls

We are supposed to be going away this weekend, leaving tonight ( family get-together)... this should prove to be interesting....

She had already made plans for a trip to Las Vagas in May and one next weekend.... with a 'girlfriend' RIGHT!!!!!

This reeks soooo bad of a recurring nightmare of the past.... Im a basket case..... I cant eat, sleep, Im sick....physically... I cant go on like this....

She just called.....

She wanted me to pick up the D papers... I said no.. it was her choice, she wants them, she can get them.

Anger is taking over my being because she is talking custody already.... IM NOT READY TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!
<scream>

All this on the phone.... too much.....

I told her I love her and still remain committed....

WHAT DO I DO NOW!?!?! she is going to get papers today...


Motarman.....thanks

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2934297

Dude,

Calm down. My wife said and did the same crap. So did most everyone else's on here. Please read my threads starting in June 2002. You will see my panic also. And you will also see that this isnt new...and you & your wife are not unique!

The first thing in Plan A is exposure. Have you done this?

The second is to meet needs. Are you doing this as best as possible with her TOP needs?

Third, you need to consistently repeat your mantra. That the marriage is salvagable, you are not going to talk divorce, that the affair must end, etc. Repeat it even when you dont think she is listening. SHE IS LISTENING!! She will say you are wrong, it is over, get with it, etc. SHE DOESNT HAVE A CLUE WHAT SHE WANTS OR WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT...so please ignore her, okay? If she were a cocaine addict and she was runnign around saying how it was over and you should let her go to her dealer and do what she wants, blah, blah...would you listen to what she is saying and respect her wishes? Or would you ignore what she is saying, because you knwo she is out of her mind?

She is out of her mind right now. She is addicted to the OM. Dont try to make sense out of nonsense!

Cant remember if you said if you had kids or not but if so, make sure YOU have them. No leaving the house and sleepign somewhere else anymore, okay?

If she wants a divorce, she gets to do ALL of the work. She gets to move out and leave everything behind. She gets to file. You stay on mantra.

A great example of Plan A is DazedConfusedks thread. Go see what Dazed has done over the last 6 months. You will see that his wife said and did the same things. Watch the progression!

Anyway, if you cant control these mood swings, then go see the doc ASAp and get some kind of medicine that will help with that. I did, and it made a world of difference early on.

Stay cal...stay on message...expose...keep venting here...and be patient. Oh yeah, and if you are a Christian, I would also counsel you to pray and leave this in His hands.

In His arms.

Mortarman,

Thanks.... 4 boys 14 to 2

I mantra remains.... she wants to talk on the paperwork.... I told her I would not 'fight' over things(material possessions).... why would I, it would be taking away from the boys....maybe I should not have said that... I dont know.....

I am a christian, and have to put this is God's hands.... she was/is my strength ... now I feel I have nothing...

Expose to who? she knows I know... but denies it to my face... who do I tell? I don't want her to hate me....she will deny it to everyone anyway....

what about this weekend? do I got with her to family thing?

I only heard his voice.... but thats enuf for me..... and her actions dictate I am 1000% dead on.....

so... here I am.... nowhere to go.... nowhere to run.....

I have two supporting friends that are helping me deal with this as well.....

Lost,

Sounds like a replay of the last 8 months of my life!! Except she spent 4-6 HOURS A DAY talking to the OM since he was 2000 miles away. Now, she hasn't decided where she wants to go with her life at this point but we are closer to moving towards the NC and revovery than we've been since this thing started 8 months ago. It's still very much day by day though. Remember, there are NO garantees in life so, make the best of your own.

Take the Mortarmans advice. Some words of wisdom I read somewhere that sum up the best course of action when faced with those gut feelings...

"Don't just do something, stand there!"

Expose the affair to her family, to your family, her work, anyone that is involved in your life. The more folks that know, the better. It is ****** to pay at the beginning but it's the only way to force it to go one way or the other....

Slow down and think. Do you have any idea who the other man is? It is usually someone they work with, a friend, neighbor, someone from sporting stuff, old classmate, etc.

You need to stay calm, and collect information.

She is a housewife.... but she chats online enuf.... thats where I think they got in touch....

Start getting your act together on this. Get your legal act in a row. No way you let those kids go anywhere with her, okay? What state do you live in?


Taking away fro mthe boys? So you would concede custody to her? Think about that, okay? She is not of her right mind, and would have custody. Usually not a good thing. Also...NO TALK of divorce. Your mantra is "I will talk to you about our marriage, I will not say a word to you concerning any divorce."


No woman can be your strength, okay? Only Christ can do that. So, as you go thru this, the Lord is going to use this incredible bad situation to help YOU learn somethings about yourself and your relationship with Him. So, lesson #1 is that He is your strength and ALL that you need!


First off, do you have proof? Proof will help. If you dont have it, then find ways to get it (spyware on computer, hidden audio recorders, semen detection kits, private investigator, etc). But exposure doesnt have to mean you have proof in a court of law. You expose by saying that you know she is doing this, that you want to save your marriage and family and do whatever it takes to do that. The people you expose to dont need any proof. You expose to bring light on the affair!

The people you need to expose to are her boss, his boss, her parents, his parents, his wife (if he is married), your pastor, his pastor (if he has a church).

You dont want her mad at you? Man, read up on Love Busters on this website. Exposure isnt a love buster!! Love busters you must stay away from. Actions meant to protect the marriage are GOOD things, even if they make her angry at the time. Her anger is not a danger to your marriage...the affair is!!


Dont know. But I would expose immediately before you go. She might not want to go to the family thing then. But you have to expose and soon. The sooner light hits this nasty thing, the sooner the end will come. Affairs thrive in secrecy!


So, get more proof as you go along. But if it is enough for you, then expose now. You dont need proof. You just state it to these people as a matter of fact. Let her try to explain. Without individual issues to refute, she will just have to say "no I'm not." But then she is stuck. if she continues and gets caught, then she lied to these people. So, they will have to be more careful. But they dont want to be careful...they want to be together (addiction). So she will push harder for the divorce and make some ver yserious errors. And she will get angry at you not cooperating!


You have more power than you know! Learn what to do here. Learn how to get your legal act together so you get and keep custody of those kids. Learn abotu Plan A and Plan B. learn about ENs and LBs. Start learning! Because with the knowledge, you will see very quickly that you have more power than you think. And with an insane WS...it will be relatively easy to steer this in the direction you want.


This si good. And we are here to help you also, since we have been thru this before. You have a plan here. You need to learn it and follow it. Their relationship has almost no chance of succeeding. Start with that. The odds are that divorce will not happen. So, move forward and trust the Lord.

In His arms.

GOD is with you now.. You need to calm down, and look for him...

You also have friends and support here.. but you must focus...

All will be revealed... but do not panic.

What is meant to be will be and you can't change certain things.. All you have control over are YOUR feelings and YOUR fear, and YOUR pain and YOUR loyalty.. not hers..

All YOU can do is stay strong, stay healthy, get MC/Help and tell her how you feel.. and be patient.... the rest my friend is up to a power greater than us...

Be patient and stay true to your heart.. What is meant to be will be...

I will be praying for you and thinking about you...

EM

Okay, you can put spyware on the computer. That will give you the details.

6 computers on a home network.. I cannot get my hands on her laptop....

Im in turmoil.....

I need to go home and face her, but all she wants to do is talk of D...

With what I know... is it enuf to expose? Do I tell her family? Her Mom... her Grandmother ( we all are very close)

I must tell her to end it.... I know.... This is what I want to say:

"I understand that you are not happy and burnt out, I love you with all my heart and I know that there is hope.. even though you don't see it. You need to stop coresponding with OM and focus on our marriage... This is the RIGHT thing to do. Confusion has set and worsened by the presence of OM. I remain committed to you, our marriage and continue to love you through all of this becuse you are an important part of my life I cannot do without. We have been together for 15 years, good times and bad and prevailed through the roughest of times. We never really got to the bottom of things that caused us to drift apart in the past, thinking they were resolved. That was a big mistake. I honestly believe that if we work together to find the base of problems in our life together, though it may bring up many hurtful memories of the past, we can grow stronger together in our love and marriage. I want this to work.. for me... for you and our family. I cannot accept D as the answer to our problems."

any advise on changing this? Adding to it?

Help me please... I am numb right now....is this a protection factor that has kicked in?

She'll just continue lying to you. That is just the way they are. You need to do some checking and find out what is going on.

Since she believes our M is over... she is moving on... I have no business 'snooping'

I am waiting for a server to come up so I can check a few things... then make some phonecalls.....

Oh don't buy that stuff. That is what they ALL say. Just more fog babble.

Talked to her on the phone a little while ago....

Said we need to talk custody... I said no... we need to talk about our marriage.... we have 15 years together and I am committed to her and our marriage with all my love.

She doesnt want to talk.. its over... ok....well..

"maybe if your stop coresponding with OM, we can.


"THERE IS NOONE ELSE.... I CANT TAKE THIS!! YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT!!! TTO MUCH STRESS!!"

"Nope... its my house just as much as yours... this is your choice, not mine... you don't want to be around me... you can leave, but I am staying because I love you and committed to make this marriage work again."

"YOU ARE MAKING THIS DIFFICULT FOR ME.... WHY...."

"Im not doing anything... this is your choice... not mine.... Stop with the lies and admit to me there is someone else....eventually it will all come out, it always does."

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?"

"no.."

"I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THREATENING ME!!"

"I cannot help the way you feel and I did not threaten you, I love you... I simpley stated a fact that eventually it will all come out... If you FEEL threatened, then that just adss validity to what I already know... there is a OM."

"IM NOT ADMITTING TO ANYTHING!! THERE IS NO ONE ELSE!! IM DOING THIS FOR ME!!! I'VE BEEN UNHAPPY FOR A LONG TIME."

"Then why just two weeks ago did we dump a BUNCH of money into the house for upgrades?"

silence.......... "I don't know........."

" NOW I DONT EVEN FEEL LIKE GOING NORTH THIS WEEKEND... I NEED TO GET AWAY...."

"Why... we are talking and that is a good thing..."

"WE ARE ARGUING!!! YOU ARE MAKING THIS HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE!!"

"I will not give in or give up just to let you have your way when it not MY CHOICE to end this... I am committed"

How was that? Im trying to get off early and go home....

You did a VERY good job, IMO! Keep it up, loa!

Lori

Huh? Everyone of the people in affairs want to end the marriage (almost everyone). And everyone of them should be snooped on if the BS wants to still save the marriage. it doesnt matter right now what she wants. What do you want?

In His arms.