I, and I assume most BSs awaiting D, have been on a rollercoaster or emotions. I tend to go to extremes in those emotions, from being glad that I am getting rid of an alien WS, to feeling that I still love her very much and praying that she will come out of the fog and return home.

For the last couple of days it has been the "Love her and want her to come home" feelings. I know that this is not good, that she had an A and left of her own free will, and that she doesn't want to come home.

I am wondering if there is any way to combat this feeling? It seems to me that the perspective on this is totally screwed up. The WS tends to look at the 2% that was wrong with the marriage, and the BS tends to look at the 98% that was good about it. If there was some way to reverse that perspective, it would sure help a lot of BSs.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

For me- it is that simple-- when you have feelings of longing for the STBXS- think about all the negative things. For example, my wife and I have been together for 10 years- say 95% times were good. Well- that is 6 months worth of bad times to dwell on. Much easier to get over her when I focus on that.

I know you are right wpiman. It will be easier I think when I sell this house. I'm still living in the house we bought together and lots of memories here. There was so much good in our lives together, it's sometimes hard to think of the bad. I did save the D-Day emails between WW and OM, and I can always read them if I need to get mad.

More that anything though, I want her and my stepson to come home. I really just want to address whatever problems that we had (she admitted that her problems were deep within her and had nothing to do with me or our marriage), get her the help that she needs, and love her with all my might.

Well, my WH has made me so mad lately that I barely have ANY of those feelings left. He just keeps trying to hurt me and blame me for all of this and it just is not fair. He is being cruel when I don't deserve it & I just don't know who this man is anymore. When I focus on those things and when I realize that I actually feel better when I am NOT around him and when I don't talk to him, it helps me remember that me and the kids will be better off without him. It is still sad though because never in a million years did I think I'd be going thru this.

I know what you mean about being in the house. That is where I am and it's our dream home that we had built together, chose everything in it together, it's only 2 years old and here we are about to put it up for sale in the Spring. And I think to myself that it is so crazy that all the new friends we developed in our neighborhood, all thought we were the PERFECT couple, referred to us as America's favorite and couple. They all said how much they always envied us - we had it ALL in their eyes. They are all going to be so shocked when they find out what my husband is doing. I can't even imagine the day that the For Sale sign goes up.

It is sickening. I hate walking around this house - I try to walk around with eyes shut if I can do it b/c everything here is ME and HIM. EVERYTHING. And it just makes me so sad that this is what has happened. I can get myself crying if I just look at the basement and all the built-in wall units we had done, plus the dual desk area that we put in for the kids for when they are older and need a place to do homework. I just cannot believe that my future isn't going to be what I thought it was going to be, just a mere 3 months ago. He did all the work in the basement himself over the summer. And here we are...he is done, met someone else and doesn't even want to try. I don't know who this man is. He has no morals and he is behaving in a manner that is just unbelievable. I look at all of that stuff and I don't even want to be around him or listen to him talk anymore. He says such hurtful things to me...like "I'll file Mental Cruelty against you!" or "There you go being the selfish b*&% that you always are!" "This is all your fault! You RIPPED My heart out!" (When he is the one that is w/another woman!) It is awful what this has come to. So disgusting. I am so sick of being blamed for it all. I am so sick of listening to him make idle threats at me. I honestly don't even know what I would do if he said he wanted to come back. I don't know that I have those feelings anymore. It's so sad.

I'm sorry for hi-jacking your post, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone.

Thankful,
I know the exact feelings that you are talking about. It's amazing how when an OP gets involved, everything changes so rapidly. They forget the years of love, the work put in together to build a home, and all the good times. And the cruelest part is that they blame the BS for all the problems.

I saw WW briefly this morning as I dropped off some mail for her. She got it, mumbled thank you and never even looked at me. She looked so beautiful and I wanted to say something, anything, but I just handed her the mail and left. It is so lost, I just can't let go.

Tired41

Tired41

Oh yes - I know those feelings well.

I saw H Saturday for lunch. It was nice, and when I look at him I think we'll be together forever (odd since he filed for divorce and we're marching in that direction). He called the next day to thank me for my support (we've sold the house and I've sent him some ideas about where he might want to consider moving), and then he said:

you know, this is your house too. Would you and the dog like to come over for dinner and stay the night? No pressure for sex, I just want you to be able to enjoy the house.

Wow! I was shocked...and confused. I had to decline because I had plans yesterday evening (that took some control to not just cancel everything and run over to the house). I asked for a rain check for next weekend. He hesitated and said he had some plans...but maybe Sunday would work.

But now I'm confused. Of course I have those Loving Feelings. I've never stopped loving him..but I don't want to be his sex buddy, and I don't want to get any more upset and confused than I am - BUT of course I want to encourage his kind thoughts towards me...

What to do??

I think the hardest thing to deal with is the fact that I thought I knew this man for 7 1/2 years. Everything about him and thought he was the sexiest, most wonderful, caring, loving, moral, righteous, most intelligent man I had ever met. And then this happens. And I am getting blamed for it all. As I said, never in a million years did I think this man would do something like this to me. I think that is what makes me the most upset. I am so sick of crying. And sometimes it's so hard to fight it and you never know when/where it's going to hit. Some days I feel so strong and others just SO very weak.

Cis,

I don't understand the comment and dinner invitation either. After so much negativity for so long, something pleasant must be nice. I would be scared though that I would get my heart crushed again. I hope this works out for you, just be careful.

Thankful, we sound so much alike. I've been married once prior to this marriage, and I made up my mind at the start that I would never take this one for granted, and I didn't. I told her everyday that I loved her and that I though that she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and I meant every word of it. All through our 6.5 years of marriage, all she had to do was mention that she wanted something and I found a way to get it. I was emotionally supportive of anything that she was interested in. For example, she wanted to get into photography, so I bought her several thousand dollars worth of cameras and equipment, encouraged her to take classes, bragged on her work, and displayed a lot of her pics. I truly tried my best to make her dreams come true. I thought, even as late as this time last year, that we were doing good. She would always say "You're the best" and that "I love you so much". Every few months I would ask her "Are you happy?", just because I wanted to head off any potential problems. She always replied "Yes, very happy". We talked frequently about things that we wanted to do and places we wanted to go in the future. Then last May, she totally changed. I figured out that OM had came into the picture, and my loving W had turned into somebody else (damned alien). Even when I first suspected and confronted, she said "We have a good marriage and I love you, please don't leave me". I didn't leave, and things steadily got worse. Now we don't talk or even acknowledge each other when we meet in the hall at work. It seems so strange and hurts a lot.

I would never have thought that we would end up like this. I really worshipped her. I suppose that may have been part of the problem. I just don't know.

I have been so tempted to call her and say "I don't like this anymore, let's start over, come home". I know I can't do that, that it would only hurt me more, so I just try to ignore those feelings.

Tired

Gez - I've held onto loving WH for almost 3 years - even though he's hurt me and himself over and over again.

What I've been striving to do is think of all the times he hurt me, verbally, emotionally, then a few physical blows. Remind myself that he and he alone CHOSE to lie to me, to have SF with many OW, to degrade, demoralize, etc.etc. He CHOSE to steal MOW away from their BS for his own SF, to hurt children by stealing their mothers away from their families,etc.etc. all for his own satisfaction...

WHY AND HOW COULD I CONTINUE TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT CARES FOR NOONE BUT HIMSELF...

I really try to not think about our early years together, vacations, holidays, just hanging out and enjoying each other - those days are GONE and I must face that. The man I loved is GONE..I must consider him dead and grieve the lose and move on..

It's very hard to face the truth but you must in order to heal and let go of what isn't there..

HUGS

Try to think of it this way, it was all about him. How the vacations made him feel, how you made him feel...him, him him...

You need to explore why you consider that love. Not because of him, but because if a decent guy came along, would you want him? IC would help you look at why you choose him. Which of your parents does he remind you of? You are a valuable person who deserves more in life. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself at least three things that are good about you.

I'll start. You loved him (and I'll guess those around you) more than yourself and gave all that you could to someone who just could not appreciate it. HUGS

Demand more and do not settle.

Boy did that just strike a chord and make me cry - we do sound very similar. I was previously married also and I thought for SURE this time, after all that time in-between (6 years to be exact) my ex-H and meeting my WH, that I had really figured out who I was and what it was that I was looking for. That I would never let happen what happened before. And when we found each other I was so certain that FINALLY I found the one - finally, the man that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. The end all be all. No one on this earth could have treated me better than him. No one has EVER made me feel so loved, so cared for, so special - the way you indicated that you treated your wife, well, my WH treated me the exact same way! He had me up on a pedestal, he thought I was most incredible woman he had ever met and we always told one another how much we were thankful for what he had and that we found each other. There wasn't ONE single time that we ever hung up the phone without saying I love you. He did SO much for me in an effort to always make me happy. And in the long run, it seems it turned out that he just did TOO much and gave too much of himself and felt that he wasn't getting anything in return. He felt that I didn't ever really listen to him, didn't really hear him. He always did things MY way, just to make me happy. Part of me believes him when he says this is mostly my fault. Maybe he treated me TOO good & ended up resenting me for it. I am learning alot through IC - but it is so sad that it is too late for this marriage. Too late for my children. And sometimes I can't help but think that they will be brought up in a broken home, all because of me. All because I let my WH treat me too well and for whatever reason, didn't make him feel appreciated.

He called me this afternoon to apologize for the way he acted last night. It has become such a pattern with him. He says all those mean things to me, acts like this total alien-being and then the next day calls me to apologize and talks to me like the man he used to be. I never know which one I am going to encounter. It is so crazy. He was a completely different person this afternoon. I actually scared to answer the phone when he calls - I don't know which man I am going to get. That's why I told him I'd rather talk to him as little as possible, but whenever I say that, he finds a way/reason to call me. Like this afternoon's excuse was that he just wanted to let me know that he had our digital camera in his pocket still. And then that lead into him apologizing once again.

I honestly don't know what is going to happen on a daily basis. Something different happens EVERY single day. I am more than ready to get off this emotional roller coaster. I just don't know when it's going to end.

Dear hopeful: I swear our situations are so much alike. Except my H and I are still in the same house until the D is final. Maybe sooner, I've been thinking about moving out but I can't seem to get the nerve up to go ahead and leave. I want to be with him for as long as I can. What do you think is going on in our H minds? My H and I still have sex, have gotten along better in the last two weeks (other than my crying spells) than we have in a long while. I think my H is just being this way becuase he's so tickled that FINALLY he's getting rid of me. I just don't understand him. He's sending me mixed signals and I don't like it, it's like false hope. But at the same time I long to be with him so much that I just go along with him, hoping he'll change his mind. Any thoughts? I'm praying for you.

Itsoonwillend,

I'm no expert at this by any means, but it sounds like your H is a cake-eater. I read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson and I would recommend it to you. I only wish that I had read it back when this all started.

Happy Valentines Day to everybody. I did not send a gift or card this year. It was hard not to, but I stood firm. I do still love her very much, even after the ****** that she has put me and our family through. I guess that's a sign of true love or true stupidity, I don't know which. I'm hoping that after the D is final and I sell our house, I can get some closure.

Tired41

Tired: I'd say you are right about the cake eater part. I only hope that after the D is final, he'll miss his cake. He'll realize that he misses his cake, and wants the cake back. For good. That we can start over from the very beginning, new everything, with both of our wrongs put behind us. Is that wrong of me? Honestly. Am I just being weak? Should I stop this??? I don't know what to do. As far as the book, is this something that can help me? What is it about....I'm all for doing anything that can further my growth. I cannot further his growth, that's his choice and he's made it. I now need to focuse on my growth. thank you for your input, I appreciate any help, words of widom and encouragement. Thank you so much. And God bless each and every soul who is on here trying to help those in need. I don't even know you people, but yet it seems my only friends right now are people on MB. Sorry, I'm spilling my heart today. Sometimes I get in those moods. Today, Valentines day is one of them.

Soon,

I know that I, and possibly you also, love without boundaries. "Love Must Be Tough" deals with this issue. My initial response to my WW infidelity was to cling to her, trying to make her understand how much I loved her, how much I needed her. This probably did more to drive her farther away than anything else. Dobson, in this book, explains how this is human nature. He proposes, "opening the cage door" if a WS wants to leave. It puts a lot more pressure on the WS if their safety net is removed. My WW, for example, always knew that if she found out that OM doesn't fit her needs, that she could come back, sort of like a risk-free trial offer. I felt that I understand things better after reading this book.

I don't necessarily feel that it wrong to start over, if the intent is in WS heart to truly do that. I wouldn't want to get in a situation where the WS came back in the fold only long enough to find another "fix".

No, whatever you are, it is not weak. I've said before that "I am truly amazed at the strength and fortitude of the BSs' posting here. When faced with the adversity that most of them endure, they are still willing to work, to trust and to love. If some of our WSs' had only a portion of that strength, life would be so wonderful." WSs' have no inner strength as they do whatever it takes to make themselves feel good, with disregard to their families.

I feel the same as you regarding the people here at MB. We all have a common goal to save our marriages, to do what is right, to love and be loved. That is the bond here, I think, that makes us a family.

Happy Valentines Day to you. I'm down a little myself today. But you can believe that I and the others on MB, are sending our thoughts, prayers and love to you. As you can tell be reading the posts here, that love is something special.

Tired

I was the WW first, now the BS (although my H wont admit it, I have proof otherwise, all he says is that I don't deserve an explanation). I just wanted to make clear that I made big big mistakes and own my responsibility for my actions and let you know that I'm not trying to act like a victim. My H did a lot of things wrong in our M, he won't admit to any of them. but I do take full responsibility for destroying our marriage, and it was me who wanted to put 110% into making our M work. It is not until know that I have realized that my 110% won't do diddly squat if my H doesn't want to contribute the same amount. I wish I would have stayed on MB since the very beginning, our M may have worked. I still pray he'll come back. I pray that he'll miss me, which again may be wrong.

I live in San Francisco and there are more articles in the paper about what single people can and should do on Valentine's Day, than there are romantic articles! So - I don't feel so alone.

My fear (among many), is that I will be hung up on my STBXH for years to come. THAT would be tragic. I know he can and probably has "moved on", but I remain in the hopeful mode. At some point I'm sure this will shift, but I am so slow to change things in my life, and I always go kicking and screaming...but in every situtaion the change has proved to be a good thing in the end.

But we're in limbo. I did hire an attorney, but nothing else has been done on the divorce. We sold the house on Saturday, so lots of time and effort will be put into all of that... I don't know - I'm sure he expects me to make the divorce happen since that was my role in the marriage - organizing things and making things happen. I'm conflicted. because if I don't do anything, the divorce will drag out and two things can happen: the goodwill of our relationship will fade (or be influenced by a new girlfriend), and he may be less generous in our settelment, or I guess there is a small chance that he will decide that our marraige is worth working on...

I just take it one day at a time. I'm so busy at work that I'm inclined to take a back seat and see what happens.

So to my dear MB friends - the articles say treat yourself to a wonderful day...buy yourself some flowers, chocolates a massage and love yourself like no other!

xoxo
cis

Valentines Day. This morning he gave me a big hug and I wished him Happy Valentines Day. I sent him a gift basket at work and an e-card, will give hime another card tonight. And the boys are at my moms, I will stop on the way home and get a bottle of wine. Am I enabling him?

Sounds very nice. Wish I was being enabled!

Seriously though...if he's just a cake eater....am I enabling him to just eat away. Am I just setting myself up here for future punishment? He called a little while ago to thank me for the ecard and goody basket....he was whispering. And called from a different #. I asked him where he was, he said he was in the interview room, and he was whispering becuase he didn't want anyone to hear him, cause he said he had to use the bathroom. I suspect that his "new interest" was close by and didn't want her to know that he was on the phone with me. Maybe I'm just reading to far into things, but so far my instincts have been right. All right. It makes no sense too me....my H sends me flowers at work so I run to the most deserted room to call him to thank him and then tell him I have to go to the bathroom, all in a whisper. This makes no sense to me. What is more stupid, is I have caller id here at wk. So I seen the number, and I said "what number are you calling from? It's showing up differently....he says. Oh is it, am I calling from a different #? Like he mistakenly thought he was sitting at his desk and suddenly he just "appeared" in another room. Oh my god! How did I get here!? Tell me what I am doing. Someone. Tell me something to get this craziness outta my head before it explodes!!!!!!!