Can she come here and at least read? I think that OM will have second thoughts. It happens all of the time, especially with a new baby.

Somehow you and she need to hang in there. Look at this as a war, not just one battle.

Adrian, just posting to let you know that I'm thinking of you this evening and hoping that everything goes nice and smooth.

Here's an idea for exposure that you may find interesting... it's pretty extreme and I'd urge you to give it some careful thought and consideration before following through...

After no contact had been promised, I got into one of my wife's email accounts and found that her affair partner had been continuing to send love notes. There were also a couple of 'joke' emails that had been sent to all the other people on the APs contact list.

What I did was forward the 'love note' to ALL the people on her list, and included a small note from me explaining the situation and asking all these people (strangers) to help save my marriage by urging OP to stay away from my wife. I'd guess 25-30 people got this email, many of them at work.

I did not forward this to any of the contacts on my Wife's contact list as when I found these emails, they had obviously not been read, but the fallout that OP experienced was HUGE!

HUGE! HUGE! HUGE! HUGE!

I felt really bad doing it, because revenge is really not my style and really and truly I had (and have) not bad feelings towards OP. But, the point is that it was extremely extremely effective. Effective to the point that when I last heard, OP was planning on leaving town forever.

Anyway, I was just talking with my Wife about that today, and although she still has pretty hard feelings about me doing that, I'm pretty sure that killed any and all contact between them.

I thought I'd share that with you. It's well established that exposure is the number 1 affair killer, and I'll tell ya, that is one HECK of an exposure.

Something to think about.

J

adrianc,

I can't speak for everybody but I am in communication with a few other BS's aside from this forum. Let me assure you of one thing - WE ALL HATE PLAN A! So don't feel so alone. It hurts me to think that I have to be so nice to someone who has betrayed not only me but also some of my fundamental beliefs. I just remind myself that I love WW and would give my life for her. Do you remember way back in this thread when I asked you what "pure love" was? You never answered. Why don't you take some time today and just think about love - what it is. When I get really down about Plan A, I go back and remember the times before the A. I remember how happy WW made me and I made her. These are just some things that work for me. You need to find what works for you and, whatever that is, practice it and get really good at it.

You are doing some positive things. You have been creating a lot of your own stress and it has been driving you crazy. I think if you stay away from the emails it will help a lot and you will see you stress go way down. One of the things that happens to us BS's is that our perception becomes extremely acute. We notice everything. What shoes did your W have on when she went to work yesterday? I only ask that because women say we never notice shoes and that is the first thing they notice. I never have understood that.

You need to do a couple of things IMO. You need to stop planning your course to such detail. I said before you are not the people in SAA. I personally adopt a very long term view (i.e. R) and a very short term view (today). You have been trying to play chess. The problem is that chess follows rules and a WW and a OM don't.

That is great news about OM and OMW. Go back and read what believer told you a few days ago. Didn't she predict that? Why is she so smart I wonder?

Okay that is sort of good news. The bad news is that has nothing to do with WW. Focus on WW and Plan A. Focus on you and your mental health. It won't do you any good to successfully recover if you are going to spend the rest of your life in a rubber room.

There is something I wanted to say about one of your posts from a few days ago. You were talking about how you wanted to know where things were going with WW and you wanted to talk to her about it. How about trying to look at it differently? How about deciding in your mind that you already know where this is going? You have decided that you and WW will successfully recover. You and WW will have a stronger marriage than ever. You and WW will live happily ever after. You already know it - WW just has not seen it yet but will eventually. Your job is to give her time and guide her there.

Adrian, at this point, you should go back up a post and reread what Traic just wrote. It has some awesome insight and is more true than you might realize.

What kept me going was the thought that I wasn't fighting to win back my wife as she was, but I was fighting more for a way better future somewhere down the road. Now, even though the road has been very hard, I'm glad that I picked myself up from my own blunders and didn't let the pain of my experience totally make all my choices for me.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, with all of my entire being, that if things work out between me and my W, that it will be the best frikken marriage EVER!!! I also know that if things don't work out, that I will have the skills and tools to build a great and satisfying relationship with someone else in the future. It's like a no-lose scenario.

I like scenarios where I can't lose. Don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

John

Thank you all for your posts.

Here is how the V day was:
The "date" was a cold one.
No kiss on the cheek for the rose I gave her.
No real attention paid by her during dinner.
Eye contact avoided as much as possible.
Conversation was made only for saying something but never got a real point. I tried to bring the girls into the picture, talked about vacation but the idea was kind of rejected. She told me a story from her work. I laughed a little bit but...
We played some of those games. I looked at her and realized that she was physically there but mentally was you know where.
After we left she didn't say anything regarding the dinner or the games. She never thanked me for taking her out for V day.
But hey, who am I to have demands?


traicionado,
For me pure love is when whatever I do, I do it for my W to see her happy. My efforts would double is she's not happy. Pure love is when nothing matters except my W's happiness. And I know that if I tell her to leave with the OM then I will make her unhappy. I know that they wouldn't last for too long together. That's why I want to go for R.

dewt,
I like the no-lose scenario. So far, I already fell good knowing that all my friends appreciate me for what I am doing to save my marriage. I am going to think about your email scheme. But since I decided not to check her emails anymore...

Actually I told my WW that if leaving to be with the OM was what would make her happy, I would fully support it. I can't decide what will make my W happy - only she can do that.

Stay away from the emails. I think dewt did that in a different context (like maybe after NC was supposedly established). You say you have exposed as much as you can already. You know that WW and OM are still in full flaming A. An email campaign right now will not prove anything.

Go back and read your thread over the past 48 hours. Look at how you have stressed over the "movie" email. At the end of the day, you decided to do nothing about it (as it should be). But look at how much energy, stress, lost sleep it caused you. Look at all the posts people sent you giving you advice about it. If you had never read that email, you could have spent that time much more productively. Think about how many man-hours (you and us) were totally wasted by that email. Look at the "late for work" email. That one blew up in your face. Stay away from the emails already.

Later, after your WW supposedly is in NC, the emails will be worth checking again.

Let's consider the bigger problem. The biggest problem with the A is loss of trust. I don't know how you get that back. I know WW will have a lot of responsibility in that. You are so paranoid right now that you are becoming your biggest risk of failure for recovery. You know you can't trust WW right now. You know she is a lying cheat right now. Accept it and move on. Don't try to continually seek proof of that which you already know. Who are you trying to convince?

I am going to give you another analogy because I think it applies to you. I'll give it a shot anyway.

On December 29, 1972 an Eastern Airlines jet crashed into the Florida everglades just prior to landing. The air crash investigation resulted in this being a classic textbook example of how everything went wrong while the crash could have been entirely avoided. It is still taught to pilots today as a lesson in crisis management.

In the cockpit of that plane were a pilot, co-pilot and a navigator. They were making preparations for landing and lowered the landing gear. As they did this, the indicator light showing that the gear was down and locked did not light up. The pilot and co-pilot repeated the procedure with the same result. The pilot got out of his seat so he could look at the light more closely. Both he and the co-pilot tapped the light to see if it might be a fault and mybe get it to light up. Nothing. They argued about whether the gear was really down or not. They played with the light for a while with no good result. It refused to light up. Finally the pilot told the navigator to go below and look at the gear to see if he could visually confirm it was down. He got his flashlight, opened the hatch and went below. Meantime the two pilots were still focused on that light trying to see what the problem was. The navigator finally was checking the gear and he could see that it was down and properly locked and he yelled that to the captain. He also saw something else. Through the hole in the plane where the gear was, he saw the reflection of the moon where it should not have been. Then he realized that they were just a very few feet above the water of the everglades. By the time he yelled to the captain, it was too late. The plane crashed. 100 of 176 people perished.

The investigation showed that the problem was a faulty indicator light. A 50 cent light bulb had burned out. There had never been anything wrong with the landing gear. Everybody was so focused on that light, nobody remembered that the plane was no longer on autopilot. At any time they could have simply looked out the window and realized their position. They never did. Not once. If they had not all been so focused on something that was never a real problem to begin with, they would have landed safely.

I think dewt did that in a different context (like maybe after NC was supposedly established).

Yes, that is exactly the case. And I think you make a great point about obsessing over it to the point of being the bigger threat to the marriage. I know full well that I myself was at that point for a while.

In the end I stopped checking my wife's emails. I realized how much harm it was doing to me. I also realized that my wife is intelligent enough that having been caught once, there's no way she would be caught again. I gave the whole thing to God and just let it go.

As for your valentine's date, all things considered, it sounds like it went as well as could be expected. Like I posted before, this is more of a marathon than a sprint to the finish line.

One thing ya gotta realize about people having affairs...

On one hand, you have the serial cheaters, who cheat and lie and sneak and have no problem doing it.

On the other hand, you have genuinely good people who get sucked into a situation that goes against all their core values. This amounts to a terrible battle going on inside them, and the conflict can be very overwhelming.

We as human beings are hardwired to avoid pain. It's a psychological fact. In fact, we will do much much more to avoid pain than we will do to gain pleasure.

I believe that this is the basis for what we at MB call "the wayward's fog". The wayward knows that what they are doing is despicable. They can see the pain they are inflicting on their spouse, who they do love. They look at their children and on some level, they are VERY aware that what they are doing is going to harm their children. To deal with this pain, they re-write the history of the relationship. They remember and emphasize only the bad things... sometimes they even make stuff up and convince themselves that things in the marriage were truly unbearable. They come up with all sorts of justifications for their behaviour. They purposely promote conflict with the sole purpose of creating more distance between them and their spouse. Why? So that they can live with themselves.

That's why your wife seems so distant from you. She has to be, otherwise the inner conflict will tear her apart.

In fact, to tell the truth, if you had posted that she'd been all full of affection tonight, I'd have some very very grave concerns about your chances of saving your marriage.

Your wife's behaviour... tonight... and the insane demands of her email, all tell me that she's a person of integrity who loves you and who is trying very hard to justify her behaviour to her own self. Think of it. That email she sent you was insane. Those demands COMPLETELY unreasonable. There's no way you could agree to those, in fact any normal sane person would be outraged by such an email. It would be perfectly natural for you to be so upset by that email that you would start an argument with her. That would then allow her to justify her actions... because in her mind, YOU are the one who is being unreasonable.

This is the part of the reason the MB tactics work. If you are doing a good Plan A, you don't rise to the bait of emails like that. You don't react badly to evenings like the one you had tonight. It's not a quick fix, but it does a helluva lot to diffuse those justifications that allow her to keep on with her affair.

Here's another good example. She's promised to go NC after valentines day. I suppose it's possible, but I'd bet my last dollar that it's a complete crock. What happens when you find out contact is still continuing? You get upset, more dischord, all of a sudden, she doesn't feel so bad about continuing contact.

The Harley Plan recommends a good 6 months of Plan A before going to Plan B. My intuition tells me that it won't be that long in your case, but it also tells me that this affair isn't over yet. I don't want to discourage you, but I also want you to be prepared to hold your ground and not be crushed when things don't go as you hope they will.

If I were you, I'd continue to be focused on being pleasant. That doesn't mean you allow yourself to be a doormat, but read like crazy on this site and learn as much as you can.

Here's a good place to start:basic concepts
But specifically, read up on:lovebusters
And become a darned EXPERT on Plan A

If you get through all that and your coffee is still warm, you can keep going by reading some of Harley's articles

Anyway I'm going next door to visit my wife/ex-wife/bestfriend (we're not really sure what the heck we are) and then going to bed.

I sincerely hope you are doing well.

Oh yeah, one more thing... Traic, that airplane story... that's pretty freaky.

John

adrianc,

One thing you need to be prepared for is confrontation. Once you have a well-established Plan A, this is going to frustrate WW. You are going to see her start provoking you. She may not realize she is doing it but she will do it anyway. She wants to create a conflict. Then, once the conflict is created, she will justify in her mind that she needs to go see OM to soothe her feelings. Even if you don't argue back, she will still blow everything out of proportion. WW's just do this. It is a natural part of withdrawal. It may not have happened yet but it will soon enough. Just be prepared for it. The best thing you can do is just remain calm. Don't fall into her trap.

You are going to see her start provoking you.

So true. Blame and unreasonable demands are likely to be a very popular tactics, judging by the email she sent you. Ideally, by educating yourself on the "wayward script" you can see it coming and have your reactions prepared beforehand. When you understand it, and are expecting it, it's a lot easier to see it coming and it doesn't hurt quite as bad either.

Adrian,

See why moving your post helps? I wouldn't have thought of that...Trac & dewt seeing that she will start provoking you. I had no clue. I'm sure I did it. I know WH did. Didn't think of it.

What book are you reading now? His Needs/Her Needs?

LA

dewt,

Where is that script printed? I could use it. Does it come in a Cliff Notes version? (Are any of you old enough to remember what Cliff Notes are?)

LovingAnyway,

Can you please give some input on this from your perspective?

ardianc,

I hope things have gone well the past day and things have calmed a bit. I have been wanting to talk about MIL for the past few days but never could get it in. It bothered me again most of the night so feel I should bring it up now. First, please understand that the only things I know about Romania are what I have seen on Discovery Channel and Dracula movies. Your MIL's attitude still puzzles me so I don't know if it is cultural (i.e. she is Romanian). I have not lived everywhere in the world but I have covered most of it. One thing I have seen that is pretty much universal is that most mothers tend to treat their daughters as their little children and always want to tell them what to do. Your MIL does not do that.

It bothers me that MIL went to the hospital to see the OMW but maybe they have known her many years and felt it was the polite thing to do. Don't know. I hope that was the reason. You said MIL told WW about the "late for work" email. Was it a scolding or a "head's up"? Did you hear what was said for yourself?

If I remember right, MIL is only In Canada for maybe 6 more weeks more or less. If MIL is truly against this A, I would like to see her step up her effort. Most good children do not want to look bad in ther parents' eyes. We are operating under dewt's assumption that WW is a good person that made a bad mistake (and I am betting it is a good assumption). A WW can lie to you, friends, family, pastor but they know they are just little girls in mom's eyes. Most children don't want to hurt their parents in any way. The fog is also thick unfortunately.

If MIL is truly in favor of WW saving her M with you (and I am not yet convinced), then you need to enlist her help and get as much as you can out of her for the remainder of her stay in Canada.

The MIL and FIL should either be adamantly against the A and totally ashamed of their daughter or totally in her corner asking her what she ever saw in you to begin with. This A is serious stuff. Look at all the people who will suffer. I can't accept that MIL and FIL are such wet biscuits so why are they? Don't they realize that their grandkids will be permanently affected by this?

If MIL and FIL are against the M, cancel their visas and ship them home now. If they are pro M, tell them they need to get their butts in gear. If they can be an asset, maybe you can get input here on things they can do and say. Just remember to not let MIL in on your primary plans and ideas. Keep her program aside from yours. Always show MIL how much you are trying to save the M and always remind MIL how much you love WW without going overboard. I guess just try to show MIL that you are being the kind of husband that she would want FIL to be if they were in your situation. Don't appear weak, indecisive, sappy, etc. to MIL. Show her how strong you are.

Okay - I got that off my chest.

I am no expert on this but I would like to see other posters' input.

Trac,

Have to say, cancelling visas would be a heckuva Plan B letter and you validated my creative suggestion for Adrian to do just that. I agree wholeheartedly with your perspective because they are present, in the house, and I think you read where I said standing by when someone does evil and not acting against is also evil...I meant the ILs.

I would also like to understand Adrian's feelings about ILs better. From what I read, he is polite, inclusive and respectful. Could this be a triangle of conflict avoidance?

I believe MIL is not to be trusted as an ally and have no clue why. I don't comprehend her agenda or perspective. Could she have an affair in her past?

So, we're in the same frame of mind on the ILs...though I believe FIL just as culpable. He's demonstrated he is affected and has an emotional response. Maybe they both have the belief that to interfere (take action) is disrespectful?

What do you think about a Plan B letter just for ILs right now?

And what does Adrian's parents say about all of this? Adrian, do you call your folks?

We're here for you. I very much appreciate Trac and Dewts thoughts and efforts. And prayers and mindfulness. Thank you so much for being here.

LA

Trac-

LOL @ "Are any of you old enough to remember what Cliff Notes are?"

And yes, unfortunately, I am.

God Bless,

-Caren

Ditto to Caren's admission...

I remember them, too!

An update...I found where my son printed out the "Sparknotes" for The Great Gatsby. Online and free.

Arrrgghhhhh.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I didn't use Cliff Notes. I was too cheap and felt that they were used against me, the reader, the addict. :::: I've come a long way, baby.

Remember that one?

LA

LA,

I am leaving for Bahrain this AM and will give it some thought. I hated to suggest this because I think adrianc generally needs to shift out of surveillance mode right now but, if there were one thing I would really like to know, it would be exactly what MIL and WW say. I would love to hear a few of those conversations.

MIL has always been a yellow flag (caution) for me and I can't put my finger on why. I have seen (in the original thread) some possible conflict issues between adrianc and the IL's. The finger swatting, grumpy moods, etc. I still think maybe adrianc had some past PA behavioral issues with them and maybe there are some hard feelings. Maybe MIL never approved of the M from the beginning. Don't know. Something just doesn't fit with MIL.

I would like to find a way to understand what is really going on inside that brain of MIL. Hidden recorders? I feel like I am feeding the paranoia beast again - it is such a hungry animal. If I were in adrianc's shoes, rightly or wrongly, I would spy on MIL for a few days. I would like to hear what MIL and FIL discuss regarding the A also. I would just like to understand what they are really all about. Are they allies, enablers or just pathetic milquetoasts that occupy more space on the planet than they deserve? (Ouch! Where did that come from? Sorry...)

LA,

You mean the cigarette? Yes I still remember the tune.

Hello everybody,

It’s been a very, very, long day for me. I woke up 5.15, did my usual 1 ½ mile run (I should increase it, shouldn’t I) and hit the road at 6.15. It was again that day of the week when I had to go on the business trip. Boring as usual. Same drive from Toronto to Detroit and back, same people to meet at Ford and so on.

On my way back from Detroit the OM’s wife called me. She was home, just came back from the lawyer. She went there with the OM. They did a draft for legal separation agreement. The OM was crying all the time. After they left the lawyer’s office the OMW asked him “If the OW would call you today and asked you to move out with her, would you do it?” His answer was “Yes, I want to be with her”. The OMW was crying as well and told me that her whole life she dreamed about giving her child the childhood she’s never had (her mother died when she was very young so she was basically raised by her father only).

On my way back home I decided to try the parking lot of the closest theater from our home. Guess what. I saw my W’s minivan and shortly after that the OM’s car parking right beside it. I could watch up to the point where the held hands together. Then I decided to turn my head, turn on the engine and leave. I said to myself: “Last thing you need is to have an image of them in your mind doing more than holding hands together” So I drove away. She came home at 9.00PM! The movie ended at 6.30 and it takes you about 10 minutes to drive form there to our house. I was in the living room with our older daughter watching Little Mermaid. She came in, went straight upstairs without saying a single word. She ignored both me and our older daughter. The layout of our hose is that way that you can walk upstairs without being seen from the living room. I heard someone walking upstairs and then I realized she went straight there. Looks like she had a long chat with the OM. And since she didn’t have the strength to tell me face to face she was having an affair, I guess I will get an email from her tomorrow morning with some updates.

So, I haven’t had the chance to read your posts until tonight. Even though I knew that my W was with the OM I was OK. I opened up a beer with my FIL (who also knew where his daughter was). BTY, after I saw her minivan, I called my MIL and asked her if my W was home.
MIL: “She’s not home yet” (That was at 4.45PM)
Me: “Did she call you?”
MIL: “Yes, she did.”
Me: “Did she tell you she was going to be in a meeting?”
MIL: “No.”
Me: “What did she tell you?”
MIL: “She told me she was going to meet the OM to discuss… I’m not sure I should’ve told you that but that’s it.”
Me: “OK. I’m still on the road. I’ll see you later.”

dewt,
I have to say that I laughed out loud when I read
“Anyway I'm going next door to visit my wife/ex-wife/bestfriend (we're not really sure what the heck we are) and then going to bed.”
I liked this one a lot! Thank you!

Also, your comment “those demands COMPLETELY unreasonable” made me think about this:
The letter I have posted is basically my translation from slang Romanian to proper English. I couldn’t express myself better in English to reflect the true meaning of what she wrote. I am questioning myself, if you had this reaction to the translated letter, what would it be your reaction if you knew Romanian and read the original letter?


Traic,
I didn’t know about that plane’s story but I agree with dewt, it’s freaky.
Also, I totally agree with the stress that reading her emails caused me. I stopped reading those. We’ll see what tomorrow brings me.

LA,
You are the best! Moving the post made a difference.

MIL and FIL are pro M. Totally. I am not sure anymore who said the MIL might not be trustworthy… I have to disagree with that. I “saw” a conversation between my MIL and my W which is basically the MSN Messenger log that my W emailed to herself. Why did she do that?” No clue. Anyways, it was pretty much something like this:
My W: “The OM told me he felt that something bad is going to happen this week… He felt that I was going to tell him that we should end the A.”
MIL: “What did you say?”
My W: “Nothing. But I don’t know how come he could sense it. I can’t go on like this. I can’t hide anymore.”
MIL: “You have two options: Get a divorce, or come back home to your family. Think also about your image in the future. What would people say about you? So what’s it going to be?”
My W: “Now you too care more about other people say and not about what I feel? If I don’t talk to him one day I am walking dead.”
MIL: “So what’s it going to be?”
My W: “I can’t hide anymore.”
MIL: You should listen to me and to your father. We are old people and we know what is right and what is wrong. You have to end the A. At least for a while.” (Why only for a while? I didn’t get that. Maybe she was afraid of getting my W upset by telling her what to do?)

MIL told me a few weeks ago that she would like to see us the way we were in our first year of marriage.

About canceling their visa. I can’t do that. I have no authority.
My parents are totally with me. And if I think about it, everybody is with me.

Thanks again for all the posts.

I am not suggesting you do this just yet but all you have to do is report to Immigration that MIL is seeking employment. That will get her back home.

Now:

MIL: “She told me she was going to meet the OM to discuss… I’m not sure I should’ve told you that but that’s it.”

Am I the only one who sees what is wrong with this picture???? Wake up!

Adrian,

Man, the fog is thick! Thank you for translating the MSN messenger conversation. I would like to give you my own fogese translation, which is my speculation, but I spoke it and heard it, so here goes:

My W: “The OM told me he felt that something bad is going to happen this week… He felt that I was going to tell him that we should end the A.”

W: OM and I connect on a higher plane. He had an eerie feeling that something terrible was going to happen this week...though he knew about his wife's appt with a lawyer...he only feared that I would break up with him. Doesn't that just say I'm more special than anyone? He fears losing me. I am not destroying my marriage; I am saving OM from his fear."

MIL: “What did you say?”

My W: “Nothing. But I don’t know how come he could sense it. I can’t go on like this. I can’t hide anymore.”

I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. That I feel slimey, deceitful, guilty and shameful. I like the fantasy we're living in and that would bring in too much reality. That's why I'm going on like this, hiding. I'd rather lie to you and say we're breaking up and have to talk about it than admit I'm still hiding.

MIL: “You have two options: Get a divorce, or come back home to your family. Think also about your image in the future. What would people say about you? So what’s it going to be?”

My W: “Now you too care more about other people say and not about what I feel? If I don’t talk to him one day I am walking dead.”

I don't want to hear that my fantasy is harmful and leaves permanent scars. I don't want to be the woman who left her family, either. I have to figure out a way for this to be Adrian's fault. I hate you pressuring me with irritating reality. I'd rather not decide, thank you.

MIL: “So what’s it going to be?”

My W: “I can’t hide anymore.”

Adrian knows, you know...everyone knows (except work, thank goodness!), so why do I have to do anything? I am a woman of integrity and couldn't be deceitful, so I can't hide anymore. By telling you this, I won't look like I'm still hiding, which I am...from myself.

MIL: You should listen to me and to your father. We are old people and we know what is right and what is wrong. You have to end the A. At least for a while.”

I think your MIL knows that no contact comes first, then restoration of WW's feelings for you, Adrian. She is coaxing her little child to come in out of the cold, but promising she can go back out and play after she warms up.

How'd I do?

I do like how MIL kept asking what WW was going to choose to do. Over and over. Love that. Maybe MIL is a bit manipulative but firmly on Adrian's side?

Adrian...when your MIL said that WW was off to talk to OM, could you see yourself asking MIL how she felt about that? Maybe the way to understand her methods is to be more direct in showing you care how your ILs are feeling and what they are thinking. Mutual concern. ?

Yippee about everyone being with you!

When you're on the side of right, you're in a crowd. When you're on the side of wrong, you're usually in an affair.

I like pretending I'm quoting great people when I'm just making stuff up.

LA