traicionado,

Your movie analogy is great. I guess you're right. I am somehow afraid because I had hopes last sunday... but reading the ILYs between them the very next day made me mad.
I am going to stop spying on her.

One thing I don't understand.
What made you say that? All I can see is her laughing and having a good time. She's not uncomfortable.

Just gut instinct. Stop watching her and trying to read her body language. She is the one who wanted to talk. She is the one who laid down her plan. Up to this point, she has been lying to you but not in her mind. From her POV, she has just been hiding from you. Now she is flat out lying. I think this will start to wear heavily on her. Still operating under the assumption that she is a good person, she is going to burn herself out. Keep you plan going and get a grip on your paranoia. It is normal for you to be paranoid BTW - just control it as best you can.

Be patient. Give this time. Everybody knew she was lying to you but you. Read your own thread and listen to the great advice dewt and others give you. You are doing great. Just relax and keep it up. If you don't, I'll get on a plane, fly to Canada and hit you with a real 2x4 - a good knotty one all nice and hard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

traicionado,

You made my day. And it's not even 8.00AM.


I liked that. You're not the only one telling me about being a paranoiac. For whatever reason I feel good when people tell me to control it.

This one was the best. When I read 2x4 I remembered the hard work I've put in the basement to finish it. Just my FIL and myself. Those were the days... I love my house and I want to live in it with my family...

I will do my best to be patient.
Just about 10 min ago my W called me. She asked me if I was going to take my FIL on my business trip. I said "only if you go pick up this afternoon our older daughter from day care" She said (raising her voice) "I told last night I was going to go, of course I'll go". I said (low voice) "Perhaps I didn't hear when you said that, sorry."
She goes: "Call me from the road" Me: "OK. I will."
End of conversation.

Now I have to pack my laptop and hit the road. Looking forward to read your post. And others’.

I came back from my business trip.
I had a long chat with my FIL. I expressed my concerns but I haven’t told him about the emails. He is very optimistic and asked me to not stop now. “You’ve gone so far, you can’t stop now. You have to keep doing what you’re doing” he said. He really believes she’s going to come back… Me, on the other hand, I am not so sure… I checked again her emails and obviously there’s been contact.

I had a little chat with my W after we came back home. She was in a good mood (of course, she had contact). We talked a little bit about my trip. As soon as I asked her about her day at work she became nervous. She barely answered me saying ”It was OK.” I hate this type of conversation. I am tired of this. I don’t know how long I can wait.

At the end of the week I am going to ask her if she had contact with the OM.

I understand the feeling of "can't take this". Do you think it would be more bearable if you had some kind of solid Plan in place?

Obviously doing nothing is driving you nuts. Again, I can relate.

On the other hand, wouldn't it be better if the things you do were designed to improve your marriage instead of reactions to a horrible situation?

Please think about this. The truth is, I get scared when I read some of your posts. I'm afraid your emotions will boil over at some point and you will do something or say something that'll put you back days/weeks/months in terms of your recovery. I'm afraid of this for you because it's exactly what I did.

As for your wife, I'm very encouraged. It seems lying to you is not as easy as she might like it to be.

You gotta learn to look deep. It will help you with patience.

For example, on the surface, your wife is lying to you. But if you look deeper, you see that she's torn up about it. She knows what she's doing is wrong and she's having a hard time dealing with it.

I can't tell you how encouraging this is.

Not just from the standpoint of recovering from the affair, but also very much with the idea that your wife, in her core, is a woman of integrity and she will make you a fine wife. I'm telling you... it may take some time, but she will come out of her fog... and when she does, she will look back at how you are behaving now with much different ideas in her head.

So... let's talk about your plan...

Guys,

Don't ever forget one simple fact. Not taking action is NOT the same thing as doing nothing.

adrianc,

I have said before and will repeat. You have been your own worst enemy at times. You largely seem to have stopped doing that. Keep that part up. Doing nothing IS action. and sometimes it is the correct action to take even though it may be the hardest choice. Remember we are guys. We see problems and like to try to fix them. Your doing nothing is a very positive action because it shows WW your stability. It reminds her you are safe. She needs that now and will need it even more. Every time you blow up, you set everything back to square one. Stop shootin from the hip, Tex.

Why ask her if she had contact if you already know the answer? Why try to create a confrontation? What part of Plan A DON'T you understand? She is having an A. She will maintain contact. She will lie to cover it up. How can I explain this to you? Let the A die. Back off. How many times have you promised to stop reading emails? Go back and look at your thread. What happens EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU READ THE FRIGGIN EMAILS??? YOU LOSE IT! How can I make this any more clear? Stop spying on your WW. You don't need proof for that which you already know. I will go back to one of my previous posts: EARTH CALLING ADRIANC!!!

Set a plan in place and stay on it. You have just had a major breakthrough even though you may not see it - we can. Stop trying to control your WW. Start trying to control yourself. You are doing much better than when you started this thread all of it - what - about a month ago?

Oh and listen to dewt. I think he knows your number. And, since he is in Canada already, I can just DHL him my 2x4 and have him give you a thorough whacking for me, if necessary. Much more cost-effective. You do need a thorough beating, though.

Just for future reference and to save time in future posts, since you seem completely incapable of staying away from your WW's email I think it will be a recurring theme so we will use the new acronym TFE to refer to "THE FRIGGIN' EMAILS!". For an example of usage, please stay away from TFE. Please note that TFE should always imply capitalization of its corresponding words as well as inclusion of the exclamation mark by default.

There's also actions that you can take that are subtle and more based on healing you. Jogging in the morning is a great idea. For me, it was prayer.

Thanks guys for your posts. Now I can go to bed. Before dewt knocks on my door using the 2x4.

traicionado,
Your post made me laugh again.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
I promise I won’t spy on my WW anymore. I know she’s having an affair but I don’t see the A dying. I just can't. Maybe it’s just me… and I hope it’s just me.

dewt,
The temperature dropped in the past few days. It’s pretty cold here in the morning so I don’t know about running anymore…

One more thing. I made a boo-boo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. A big one. I told my MIL that I believed my W didn’t go for NC. She’ll probably tell my W tomorrow and she will get pissed off because I don’t trust her. All this just because I read the emails…

Can I get an answer for this: Should I call my W during the day or should I just wait for her to call?

Yes it is just you! Enough already!



Let sleeping dogs lie. Let lying dogs sleep. No, don't call. Avoid confrontation when possible and certainly don't create it.

The only line I can remember from "Dune": "I will bend like the willow". Memorize it. Otherwise you might as well just take a gun to your head and blow your brains out because you certainly don't seem to need them for anything due to their apparent lack of use... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks traicionado. No call it is.

Adrian

Our stories sound so much the same it's scary! So take some hope in your not alone. There seems to be a instruction book for these WW's and they all have read the same one.

I too feel good one day and bad the next. I try to always be happy around her and when I'm talking to her on the phone. Even when I'm feeling blue. I try smiling while I'm talking on the phone, believe it or not it comes across the wire.

I know everyone says start doing stuff for yourself, but it sure seems hard to get started. You just don't feel like doing anything really because the person that makes you stand taller, be smarter and fear nothing but losing her is not there now. But you have to force yourself. And you start for a couple days and then you don't feel like doing anything. So take a day off but get back on the horse.

Sometimes you do feel like giving up. I know I do. But then I remember the person I married. And I remember the times how she looked at me, smiled at me and said things to me that made me feel like a million bucks. And it's worth it to fight to the death to find that person again.

So let her be pissed. Do you really expect her to be happy because she can't seem to get away with lying on you and cheating on you?

Consider this a 2x4....

kah-THUNK!!!

If she says anything to you, you can answer (in all loving kindness) that when she starts to earn your trust, THEN she will get it.

WW: I'm mad because you don't trust me.

Adrian: You lied to me and cheated on me. You are STILL lying to me and cheating on me. I'm sorry you are mad that I don't trust you. I'm not thrilled about it either.

WW: Now you are calling me a liar! How do you know? The affair is over!

Adrian: Really? Are you telling me that you have had absolutely NO contact with OM?

You can say all this without being mean, Adrian. And yes, it will upset her, and yes, she may withdraw for a short while. Don't pretend the truth doesn't exist.



kah-THUNK!!! kah-THUNK!!!

There's a double for ya.

All this because she's having an affair, dude. All this cause she's lying to you. You checking her emails ensures that you know the truth about what's going on. Which is a good thing... because you are not getting the truth from her.

kah-THUNK!!!

That one was just for good measure.

ltw924 , welcome to MB. Sorry about the circumstances...

I have something for both you and Adrian to think about. Imagine for a moment that instead of an affair, your wives had some sort of weird illness. If she had alzeimers, would you stick by her? Would you keep your vows? This is the same sort of thing, only it's not alzeimers. The truth is that affairs DO mess with brain chemistry, and that really complicates things, but in many ways, you both could consider your wives to be sick. Will you stick it out? Will you provide the care they need to get better?

Dang... I don't think I really explained that properly... oh well, gotta go to work now...

And yes, WAY WAY WAY too cold in Canada for jogging. I'd suggest indoor jogging, but that's weird. Try downloading some stand up comedy instead. Your W will hear you laughing and come to investigate. Heck, who knows, you may end up laughing together.

I haven't checked her emails today and I won't do it.
She called me earlier but I won't call her later.

I feel good (as good as I can feel) but my back hurts a little bit thanks to dewt's 2x4.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Can anyone tell me what should I expect to happen when the fog surrounding the WW will lift up? Am I going to see a change in her behavior? Will she say something that would make me realize that the fog is gone? Will she show me any affection?

adrian

there is NO sudden lifting of the fog .. it takes time, sometimes a LOT of time.

you will know the fog is STARTING to lift when your ww says things indicating she was 'crazy to get into this', or 'how could I have done this' and similar.
Admission of wrong may take a whole lot longer.
Please do not expect quick easy recovery here, it will simply take time if it happens.

you must be patient, just keep working to a plan - have you got professional advice yet from the Harley's or similar??? - please do so it will be well worth it to you!
I think you are in a good position to get great advice & be able to use it to help end the affair.
Please dont hesitate to get the professional advice it can mean the difference between saving your M or not.

aussieswife,

Thank you for your post. I did have a session with Harley and he advised me to stay in plan A for as long as I can…


My feeling is that it’s going to take A LOT of time for her to say that.

Here is the website she’s working on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. www.scoreopolis.com. As you can see, there’s a lot of work to be done on it. Nothing is functional on the site yet. IMHO the A will not end as long as there’s website work involved. But I can’t convince her to stop working on it. It’s her drug because she’s working on it with the OM, even though she tells me he’s out of the picture.

adrianc, it may take a lot of time, but such negative thoughts reinforce your sadness. Concentrate on positive thoughts. Doing so can make a difference in the way you feel. Plan A is hard work. It's a bumpy road but you signed up for it so stay focused.

adrianc, please read the progression below. Print it out and place it beside your computer; put it in your wallet. When you feel the urge to read the emails or view the website, read it. Train yourself to think positively. It works!

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.



Whack! Whack!

adrianc, you spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the website and the emails. Both will drive you crazy if you so permit. Both are triggers. But you must pretend the website does not exist and that the emails do not exist. You tell me: when you read the emails and pull up the website, do you feel better afterwards, or worse? There's your answer.

ToddAC

I feel worse. That's why I haven't checked her emails today.
I have posted the website address because lots of people reading my thread asked me to do it if I could.

The progression you posted is printed and already on my the wall, right beside my computer.

Adrian

I feel the same way about my WW, except instaed of the e-mail/website it's wondering what she is doing in her free, unaccountable time. It will drive you nuts and make your heart hurt. Talking here helps me. I keep thinking that I just have to keep 'acting as if' everything is positive.

Both our W's have noticed little changes and when mine is warm and friendly it takes the sting out of the cold. But then our wandering minds think is she just saying that because she wants to remain 'friends' through this or is it a sign of waking up.

A lot of times I find myself going back and re reading posts that calmed me before or that I read along time ago in the beginning of this. They make a little more sense and help to remember Plan A takes longer in a WW sitch like ours.

We know our W's better than anyone else so we know what works. We have to make sure we know when we do something that worked. So we keep on that path and not do more of the same that doesn't really work. Our actions have to be solution oriented. My W seems to be coming around more with the friendly, happy me. Granted it's not all the time or it's not as much as I'd like but it might be a crack in the door. And I just have to control myself from seeing that crack and then wanting to kick the doot in and saying 'Honey, I'm home' cuz she's not ready to be home but hopefully she will be.

I hope all WW's know that us BH's that CHOOSE to stand by them, keep loving them and stand up for our M's are not weak or scared (ok the real word I wanted to use is [censored]'s) but are men with strength and unconditional love that we promised to them. And a much better man than just to say [censored] It and walk away.

adrianc, another memorable line from a not-so-memorable movie. "A Few Good Men" with Tom Cruise, Demi Moore, Kevin Bacon, Jack Nicholson.

"The truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth"

The problem is not the emails. The problem is not that WW is lying to you. The problem is you. These things are tearing you apart from the inside out. I told you a long while back that there is no point in recovering the marriage if you will spend the rest of your life in a rubber room. These emails have become a drug to you. You have to break this habit. You have to focus on the real issues. You have to focus on the plan. Stop staring at a burned out light bulb or you are going to crash this thing.

BTW, what is your plan?

ToddAC,

You should cut and paste the hand clapping speech Bigger gave you on that other site. That was great. Bigger made one important observation that apparently has not occurred to adrianc just yet. It was so fundamental that it is easy to overlook. Sometimes I forget it too. I encourage you to post it here.

ltw924,

I don’t know about you, but in my situation everything I do is rejected by my WW. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing what I’m doing.

I guess we’re all good people; otherwise we wouldn’t be on this board would we?