Adrian,

We get it. You always have that choice at hand because you have been betrayed. I don't see the affair as the betrayal that got you incredibly anger, though.

She betrayed your dreams...and you trusted her with them...they require tender, accepting hands.

She betrayed you by blaming you for her actions; telling you that you did greater misdeeds than hers...and you feel like the only one left sane in your family because you are already fighting for your marriage and she's saying you destroyed it. She betrayed your own beliefs.

She betrayed you anew by not being aware and remorseful, of claiming the A isn't a mistake, a transgression. And she said she "never" would apologize. She is saying what she won't do...just like she did at the altar when she vowed not to be unfaithful. She was wrong then...and I believe, she's wrong now...and can't see it.

This is the hardest part of fog babble there is...why we constantly say it is...these are our spouses we have believed without question for years and years. Now we are not to believe them. That's too difficult for our brains to get around that drastic of a change. Stop believing her, Adrian. You can choose divorce, rightfully, without regret because you own your choices. But does she? No...right now, she is out to hurt you like she is hurting inside...hard, swift, fast...desperately getting the bees off her, frantic, and onto you.

She is not making choices to any code. You are.

I get that. And then she really betrayed harshly...she wants to die. You might hear that as full frontal blame, too...that death would be preferable to you; that you have made life too unbearable with your love and willingness to love in face of her deception...for her to bear.

All of this is the death throes of not her, but the A. Feels the same to you, doesn't it? Like killing your love...because you believe her, and take her truth as your own. It isn't. Put it down, it's dirty!!! Now, wash your hands.

She told you something deep within her...a belief she's had since she was four...that if you hurt, run. That's what she asked her mother...why don't you run away? Then her mom betrayed her by not running away. Instead of learning to bear her own pain, discomfort she felt for her mom, she made a conviction to run when she hurt. Guess what? For 12 years, she didn't hurt. Not deeply. Rejoice. That's amazing.

This is her issue, not yours. She gave you that remembrance, mixed up and in between flinging pain at you...and I believe she showed you that you once held her secrets and realizations...you were intimate, loving and connected. She is acting like a child because she feels that small, vulnerable, no control and no way to fix her tears, just like her mom's. She's running and has nowhere to go...so she feels like dying. All of her own doing, her own thing, because you are representing love to her, like her mom did for her dad. They are still together.

See? People can learn that pain does end a marriage or love...indifference does. When the tears stop, the anger doesn't come, nor the feeling of being disrespected and put down anymore...that's where love ends. In silence and indifference.

You know how you said that it bothers you that WW doesn't understand your DDs at this age, no self-control, sheer little persons being themselves? She might have never understood that...because she had to take care of the adults, their tears, their pain, their problems. She's been about control her whole life and it hasn't brought her safety or security that she craves like air. If she can't control, she can't be loved. It is the only thing she knows.

Can you look at her like your DDs? That exposed, vulnerable and innocent of herself? That's a lot to ask...too much, maybe. It's how you love your way back, though. WW are not wives...they are lost children feeding on fantasy and wannabe's...not real. True children are real. Adults aren't. Very difficult to see that.

And her demand you not discuss the "problem" (that is SO wayward) with her folks is still protecting them, though it seems protecting her. She hasn't stopped. How said. No wonder her mother and father act like they don't have influence, the timidity. Their disapproval for her actions is driving her emotions like a runaway train, along with you, loving anyway, wanting her when she is unwantable and out of control. After all, her A wasn't fixing you, was it?

Please do not apologize for telling inlaws anything. "I am not discussing a problem with them, WW. I am telling them that your affair is killing my love for you. I am sharing my pain with my family." See? They are your family, too.

She is lying to you just like she lied about the affair and contact/no contact.

This may be the last drop for you. You choose and we don't judge. Your marriage was betrayed...please don't believe in the lies she told tonight; only in the secret. Your choice.

Yelling is abusive, Adrian. There is nothing in Plan A that says you cannot say, "You are being abusive. Stop." and if she doesn't, "Leave this house now until you can stop being abusive." Strong, certain and stern. Without raising your voice. Whisper it.

Prayers to all of you...and thank you for posting...you really listen well!! Your heart has love, Adrian...maybe more than you want in it right now. I understand that. No judgment.

LA

LA,



I didn't have the confidence to say it out loud but that is my gut impression. This may be the time when the fruits of adrianc's labor are just begging to have effect. If that is true, it is the tme where he must be the strongest.

I will probably have to reread your post another 10 times. There is a lot there.

adrianc,

I had a thought when reading your post and it goes back to something I wrote in one of my threads. It was a thought I began but never finished. I always wanted to so I guess I will now. It would take me forever to find the actual quote but what I said was something like:

"do I wish someday that WW would apologize and ask for forgiveness? Abbolutely. Do I believe it will happen? Probably not."

What I wanted to say and should have said is:

"do I wish someday that WW would apologize and ask for forgiveness? Abbolutely. Do I believe it will happen? Probably not. Is it a requirement? Absolutely not."

You have been wronged. You want acknowledgement for that. You believe it is your right and in a fair and just world, it probably is. Unfortunately that premise is wrong. This is not a fair and just world. Nobody ever promised it would be.

Will you love WW only if she capitulates and asks for forgiveness? Love doesn't work that way. Would it make you feel better? Sure. Remember that you have been hurt very badly. You not only have to heal the marriage, you have to heal yourself. If WW does commit to recovery, your healing will eventually come but it will be the last thing to come. You just have to suck up the courage and strength to get there but it will happen. You will get through this one way or the other. Your WW holds the needle and thread and she can sew up your wound.

Don't place conditions on your acceptance of WW. Just love her. If you reach the point where you no longer can love her, walk away. You are trying to convince yourself that your love is gone but I don't believe it is. Your emotions betray you.

You are going through a very rough time. You can also get through this. You may need some nudges to do that but never forget that everything you need is within you. It always has been. Eye of the tiger.

I had a rough night. I came to work, read your posts. They helped me a lot. I’ve noticed that I was misunderstood here and there… I knew I shouldn’t have posted last night. I was too angry. I might go back later and clarify those things you’ve misunderstood.
But right now I have something important to post. My WW sent me two emails this morning (CC her parents as well). After reading the first one I realized that even now she’s lying because she had more contact in the past to weeks than the one she said she had. She is still lying even to her parents! The second email was again an old one that she sent me the day before the D day, telling me how unhappy she was, but I am not going to discuss about that one too. She just forwarded it to me so I can remember…

Here is the first one. She forwarded me an email she sent the OM on Feb 24th. She sarcastically said in the header of the forwarded email:

This is the CONTACT I had with the OM in the past two weeks. For this, you reproached me for lying to you!

OM

From this moment I am asking you to please give up any hopes that you will ever be with me. We can’t and we’ll never be together. You were right, I could never leave my home, get divorced, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t have the courage. This is me, a weak woman, who was never strong enough to stand tall and follow her dreams, to say what she had to say. The proof for this is that even now, I choose the easier way for me by “telling” you this in an email, instead of looking into your eyes and tell you the truth.

Forgive me for letting you hope for so long, I should’ve known me better and avoid your suffering.

Don’t think that something has happened to me within one day, nothing has, I’ve just realized that I was letting you hope in something that I could never do, and it didn’t make sense to extend this suffering, our suffering. Forgive me.

WW


Any thoughts about this? It seems like a NC letter to me. I called my WW after I read her emails but she didn’t pick up. I left her a message telling her to call me if she wanted to discuss. No call yet.
I don’t know what I want anymore.

adrianc,

You and I are in a similar sitch right now so I will stay away from advice specific to your case because I can offer little help at the moment. Translation: I am also drowning.

One concrete suggestion I will make is the following. This is a community of folks who convene to share common experiences and form common bonds. It is well and good that you are talking through your emotions and anger. What you are not doing is giving back to the community, i.e., posting to and giving advice to other members. You may feel that you are so wrecked that you cannot offer meaningful advice to others. Nothing is further from the truth. There are both altruistic and selfish motives to do so. Firstly, your role in this community is defined by give and take; you want to do both, not only be a taker. Secondly and here’s the best part: when you reach out to others, it helps you. I can give you advice by retaining an objectivity that I cannot reserve for myself. The other members here are the same. Start reading and posting to other member’s threads. Seek those threads in which you detect a kindred sprit and realize what you can offer. The payoff can be huge or you, for the member and the MB community.

Okay, I lied. I will offer you some specific advice: do NOT call WW!

This is not an NC letter. She is telling him not to hope only she wants him to keep hoping. For me the key is "nothing has changed". How should OM read that?

If you have any doubts, don't call her. You made the effort. She sees the missed call. Leave it alone for now and regroup.

I think there are some keys in this email - maybe a grain of truth. Might just be a missing piece of the puzzle or two. I commented just a few posts ago that I couldn't understand what is keeping WW in your house. Might be simple fear. I love the "follow your dreams". Why does that show up in almost every single affair? My WW even bought OM a birthday card that said exactly that - verbatum.

I think you should give up the idea of ever talking to WW. Just send her emails. What a wimp she is. I think it may be time to start giving some thought as to how you can figure out what is going on between WW and OM. Something is not sunshine and roses there.

I think your position is improving from the sounds of it. Be patient. Let it come to you. Calm yourself down. Get some energy back.

I don't read that as a no contact letter at all. Doesn't mention a thing about not having contact (which I believe might be a requisite, IMHO)...however...

Thank you for sharing it.

Know why?

Your WW's actions are textbook...but her words indicate a huge problem that is not new to her nor your marriage.

She DJ's OM all over the place...and calls it cherishing. Ohmygosh...

I'm gonna highlight, because come what may, Adrian, you can benefit in yourself and your life from really getting this DJ to its core....

"this moment I am asking you to please give up any hopes that you will ever be with me."

She asking another human to not feel. To change. To not listen to the information that is their hope. Childish and unreal.

"We can’t and we’ll never be together. You were right, I could never leave my home, get divorced, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t have the courage."

Here's where no contract doesn't come into play...that we can't/never be together as a legitimate couple doesn't mean we can't have contact; heck, as friends, we'll be fine and contact is good. Okay, she's not saying that exactly, but that is what she was saying at the beginning (DDay) and does not address in this letter at all.

She is seeing this in WS fashion--reversed. She believes she lacks the courage to be a fallen woman in public, with history. In order to leave her marriage to be with him, she would have to have the courage to not care what anyone else thought--her parents, friends, other relatives and the general public. She's can't do that. How she is regarded matters to her. So, it's not courage...it's like reasoning yourself out of suicide...the right thing to do sometimes is NOT doing, right?

All fog in this email...but all are to AP's anyway.

"This is me, a weak woman, who was never strong enough to stand tall and follow her dreams, to say what she had to say. The proof for this is that even now, I choose the easier way for me by “telling” you this in an email, instead of looking into your eyes and tell you the truth."

Here is where she pretends to admit she is one thing while portraying herself as another. Did you miss the usual thing where one AP says the other won't really leave the marriage? They encourage them to go back as a ploy to get them to commit to the affair. Nuts, huh? Big part of the fantasy is accepting fantasy in return for it...not coming within the 5 o'clock shadow of truth.

"Forgive me for letting you hope for so long, I should’ve known me better and avoid your suffering."

Again, she commands forgiveness from someone as if it is her belief that that is possible and takes blame for his suffering, denying him, again, his own feelings and responsibility...and forgiving herself for not having known herself better which intimates that she knows herself very well now. And she doesn't, Adrian. Fantasy begats fantasy feelings and beliefs. Not real. That's where all the inner turmoil comes from. If we could replace our reality with fantasy, then no turmoil, right? God didn't make us that way. Our real beliefs (the vows we took, our self images through others' eyes) begin dueling emotions with the fantasy ones. Now she's unhappy if she does and if she doesn't. What a mess she made. Her email the day before DDay was ridiculous. She was responsible for telling you her heart, emotions and mind your entire marriage. Especially since last August, Sept, Oct...these feelings don't begin the day before you're caught cheating. But you won'd know the truth for a long time because she won't know the truth until the fog clears and she can bear to look at the why of it.

"Don’t think that something has happened to me within one day, nothing has, I’ve just realized that I was letting you hope in something that I could never do, and it didn’t make sense to extend this suffering, our suffering. Forgive me."

Again..."I will tell you what to think and feel." How DJing is that!!! She's not an AP...she's his MOTHER. She allows him hope...not his doing. He has no responsibility so no control. He just has to do as told...this wears out really fast. And again the command...you have no choice.

Adrian...this is how she allows herself to belief. Control all or death. Honey, your coping skills had to be that you believed it was better to give her the fantasy of total control than to assert that there was a better way to have relationship.

Now I have the incredible desire to rewrite her email.

"this moment I am asking you to please give up any hopes that you will ever be with me. You are a child who doesn't know what is good for him. Listen to your mother--we can’t and we’ll never be together. Mourn me, curse fate, but not me, 'k? You were right, I could never leave my home. You know me better than myself because you listen and don't call me on my lies, neither to myself or to you. I love that about you. It's so real, isn't it?

I can't bring myself to divorce, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t have the courage. Something in me says that I am not the kind of woman who walks away from her children, her H or her self-respect. Most of all, I wouldn't be able to control all of those people. I would be down to just controlling you, and although I enjoy that, it isn't enough of a challenge.

This is me, a weak woman, who was never strong enough to stand tall and follow her dreams, to say what she had to say. I cannot stand tall and allow anyone to provide, respect or control themselves. I hate their choices and being responsible for their feelings...well, except yours, of course. You're easy. Kids, husband, inlaws...now there's are tought being responsible for, but I'm up for it.

The proof for this is that even now, I choose the easier way for me by “telling” you this in an email, instead of looking into your eyes and tell you the truth. I do not want to look in your eyes and acknowledge all the lies and fantasy between us. I am not strong to say I used you and am still using you. I am weak in truth and free with lies, they hide me from my pain. Why do I keep feeling it then?

Forgive me for letting you hope for so long, I should’ve known me better and avoid your suffering. I should have been a better mother. Good luck with the whole destroyed family yourself, btw.

Don’t think that something has happened to me within one day, nothing has, I’ve just realized that I was letting you hope in something that I could never do, and it didn’t make sense to extend this suffering, our suffering. Forgive me. I enjoy putting fantasy over reality, so I lied to you about getting high with you for the rest of our lives. I know you're dumb enough to have believed it, though you said with your mouth that you knew I wasn't courageous enough. Turns out you weren't either--your wife had to be pushed too far and made the decision for you. You're a crying woos who doesn't have anything of his own but the fantasy I gave you. I might be your fourth affair, but I wouldn't know that. Talk to you tomorrow.

I expect the forgiveness to be signed in triplicate on my desk tomorrow."

I believe ending the A and recoverying her marriage would save her life. I just do.

LA

P.S. Sorry I misunderstood things in your previous post. I try to be careful, but I've got my own filter. Do you see it in my makeup email? I really got some issues, huh, Adrian? Give back and fix'em for me, 'k?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

adrianc; I hope this finds you in a better frame of mind. Please try not to let things affect you so hugely short-term. It's a long-run job, and your attitude shouldn't swing 180 degrees from day to day.

A word of encouragement: it can get better. It has for many at MB - including me - and it can get better for you. My suggestion: stay in Plan A, try to stay calm, show her that you love her. Best wishes.

adrianc,

I know you are tired and hurt. Even though you can't make yourself believe it right now, that goes away. If LA's interpretation of WW's email is anything close to right, poor woman. When I get in your frame of mind, I go back and reread my marriage vows and remember that, for WW, this is a time of sickness. I do whatever it takes to keep me going Someone told me I don't have to honor my vows to WW because I didn't marry WW - I married W. That is just total BS and I am not talking about a betrayed spouse.

The reasons that initially started you on the path to R you may have realized were flawed. That does not mean that R is no longer a worthy goal. It just means that you should try to do it for the right reasons. The difficulty lies in the fact that everything you believed in has now been shown to be a lie. Love, honor, till death do we part, all of that has been taken away from you by the one you trusted most. On the other hand, you now have an opportunity before you to show both WW and yourself what true love really means.

Personally I don't have any sympathy for my WW and yet I hurt for her at the same time. It hurts me to the core to see her suffer. I wish I knew what to do to make it better for her. I don't believe running off with OM is that thing. Not because I don't believe he won't make her happy but because I believe it won't last and when it is all over she will be alone with nothing - no children, no family, no respect and no hope.

What it comes down to is the simple fact that WW made a mistake. We humans do that. Should our lives become null and void as a result? I choose not to believe so. The only true risk I see in the R process is that you may lose your love for WW along the road but inertia keeps you going. What I think you need to stop doing is saying you no longer have any feelings for WW. Love is not a feeling. If you will base your actions on whether you feel good about WW or not, then you have become just like her. She began her A based on her feelings. Is that what you want to be too?

What I tried to post that night when I shouldn’t have to was:

The OMW will fly back home for 1 month, not the OM.


While we discussed she kept asking me to end the conversation, get in the store, buy the stuff and come back. So, at one point of time I just stepped out and that was it.

The only reason I haven’t filed for divorce is DDs. I was looking at DD1 this morning when I took her to day care and I realized I would miss her so much if I’d get a divorce. I started crying when she hugged me before she got into the classroom.


I was about to check her emails the other day. I got her inbox on the screen but before I read anything I closed my eyes and gave up. I closed all applications and walked away from the computer. I am so happy I didn’t do it.
I believe that she is facing a crisis because the A is ending. I feel that way. The letter she sent to the OM told me for some reason that the A is getting to an end. It might not be that way if the real letter is the rewritten one (by LA) then she is just buying more time. I personally believe that she is trying to end her A and she might be now in the so-called withdrawal period. I wouldn’t know whether or not she had contact because I haven’t checked her emails. On top of that there might not be any emails but that doesn’t mean they haven’t had any contact. They can do it over the phone or MSN messenger.

Last night I did my best to be pleasant. I talked to her, finished the tile job, made plans for today to go to a particular store (with DDs and in-laws). I am going to drop off at lunch time my in-laws and DD2 to the mall. My WW asked me to call her after that and tell her what time and where exactly she is suppose to pick them up (she will leave work before me). I guess I will call her since I have a good reason.

What got me really angry is the fact that she got intimate with the OM. I was her first man in her life and it meant a lot to her when we did it for the first time. You might say that she was just a child back then being only 17 years old and she didn’t know what she was doing. But she loved me a lot and looked at me like I was everything for her. And now, knowing that she was able to give herself to the OM it’s killing me. She could’ve betrayed me in different ways but this one is the most painful for me. There are no pictures of them being together in my mind, I never saw them together, but the thought of that is unbearable. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to over this. I am trying to look at it differently, to tell myself that it was just a game and they were simply two players, that the game is over and we’re back where we were before the A. But I am having a hard time believing that.
I am asking myself how do the people acting in movies do it? How can you passionately kiss someone just because the screenplay tells you to do it? How can you live watching your W acting in a movie and kissing AP? I don’t understand those people.

I like to believe that my WW will someday apologize to me. If we’ll ever go for R. then I believe IMO, that IT IS a requirement. Just because every time I made a mistake I apologized to her. I deserve the same.

Probably not. But if she acknowledges that what she’s done was wrong will help me heal and will help our R process.

ToddAC
Thank you for your post. I read other people’s posts as well. I did it several times, but I can’t focus on giving any advice. I don’t think I am in the position to give advices just yet. Maybe I’ll never be. I don’t know how to help myself to begin with. I might say stupid things and people might take them as good advices and I don’t want that.

This is definitely not what I want to be. I don’t want to be anything that my WW was (or still is) during her A. I wouldn’t lower myself to that level.

Do you think that WSs are not admitting their mistakes because they would look in the mirror and see themselves as losers? That they would agree that whatever they said was just one big fraud? That they would be ashamed of what they did and they lost the war? Maybe right now is just ambition driven by their personalities? They’ve gone too far and they might believe there’s no way back. I remember one email my WW sent to quite a few people after the A was exposed saying that she decided to take her life in her own hands. And now, she’s saying that she doesn’t have the courage to get a divorce. This is how she’s taking her life in her own hands? I feel sorry for her. I thought she was a special woman, a strong one, a W that you can rely on. Was I wrong? I hope not, but this is what I feel about her right now: WEAK woman.

I am not sure I believe she is yet to reach withdrawal because that will only come after NC is firmly established. But I do agree the A is in serious trouble. Too bad. Just hate to see that. Oh well....

I am glad you stayed away from the emails and I will tell you why. You and I both need to stay away from disinformation if we are to make good decisions. You said yourself that what she is saying is not likely the truth. Don't read her lies or it will distract you and confuse you. If you get caught up in what she is saying, you will be chasing lie after lie. LA is telling you the truth IMO. Better to listen to LA.

So the biggest loss for you was intimacy with the OM. That is your ego. That is a personal demon you will have to deal with. Don't take that particular one out on WW. She has enough to take ownership of. Your ego is your problem. You can do it.

There is no question that you will eventually have to heal whatever the outcome of this. If you are able to get WW directed to R, your healing will be an integral part of that. Have you ever asked yourself what you would do if she never admitted a mistake and apologized? I just don't think it is fair to place conditions on WW for your willingness to accept her back other than terminating the A. If you love her, it won't matter. As Ali McGraw said in Love Story: "love means never having to say you're sorry". You will heal. It will take a lot of time and WW will have a lot of responsibility in that. Just don't plan it. Let happen what will happen.

Don't try to tell yourself it was a game. It was never a game. It is serious business. People do those things in movies because they prostitue themselves for money IMO. They get plenty of takes to try it and look how many affairs result from it. How many Hollywood couple have long and successful and A free marriages? Don't look at movie stars as your role models. Not a good demographic.

You thought she was strong and have discovered she is weak. Maybe part of the problem is that WW has never been able to live up to your image of her. I don't know. Nobody knows and it doesn't really matter. She is weak, she made a mistake she can never take back. Some day she will look back on this with dread. She will hate herself and she will want you to hate her because that would be far easier for her to deal with.

I know if I had an A that I would be destroyed by my own guilt. It goes against everything I have ever believed. Humans have built-in defense mechanisms to protect us from danger and from ourselves. I have no clue what WW's coping strategy will be but she will definitely have one until she can finally come to the point where she can truly forgive herself. That may be a long time in coming too. It is definitely not an easy task.

I am glad you posted because I can start to hear you making some sense again. Have you called OM's parents? You keep dodging that question.

The firm NC will not be established by a NC letter. I believe that her email is the best she could/would do at least for now. Which is in LA’s opinion a non NC letter. I will live under the impression that they still talk. The OMW just called me and told me the OM told her that he doesn’t have contact with my WW anymore. Also, OMW asked OM to move out because she needs a H not a roommate. OMW believes that it is the end fro them. Nothing can be done anymore.

Don't get distracted by this but it just seems curious that OM moves out making it potentially that much easier for WW to continue A and yet she sends email. It is a bit confusing. It may be that WW is having an internal conflict. Poor OM. He is getting dumped by everybody.

Okay. Whatever happens to OM and OMW is not your concern. OM is not your problem. WW is your problem. Whether OM stays with marriage or goes with divorce has little bearing on the reality of the situation. Stay with Plan A and focus your attention on WW and don't worry about what OM does. Your WW will end the affair because she ultimately has no other alternative. Whether the two of you recover your marriage is all up to you right now.

Good morning, Adrian...

You know your wife. If this was an NC letter in your opinion, I'm behind you on it. I was venting myself. Did it do more harm than good for you?

"I will live under the impression that they still talk."

I'm hearing that as "I am choosing to believe that they still talk unless she shows me otherwise."

Have to point out...OMW..believes "that" is the end for them...like she isn't choosing to end the marriage. I admire you for staying conscious of your choices, Adrian. I'm very sorry for her.

Could be withdrawal..."I would like to talk for one half hour a week about our thoughts and feelings. Would Thursday nights be good for you?" And not allow yourself any other R talks...just sharing and exchanging. This worked well for us...H approached it like a trip to the dentist...and I drooled for it like ice cream...a year and a half later, we enjoy it and have expanded it.

Just thinking of you,

LA

It did more harm beacuse I want to believe it's a NC letter.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wish I had the gift of knowing how to express myself. Just like you, LA. The way you heard my statement was exactly what I was trying to say. Except that I couldn’t do it the way you did.

Are you suggesting me to ask her to sit down and discuss about R? She has not committed to that yet. And honestly I don’t know what to tell her. Except for the truth which is she’s hurting me (even though I thought a few weeks ago she couldn’t do that anymore).


Two days ago when he had that “nice” conversation I told her:
“When we are home we are just like two strangers in a hotel.”
She said: Speak for yourself. When I have to go home I feel like I am going to prison!”

That’s what she feels. I don’t want to hear that again from her. I agree that communicating with her is extremely important. Right now, we don’t talk while we are at work and when we get home we don’t talk while we are alone. The total time we speak in a day is about 10 min. That’s it! I couldn’t find a way to get her to spend some time with me because she avoids me and then blames me we don’t talk.

adrianc,

This is probably not unhealthy for you. It is a coping strategy that I adopted a couple of months ago and I still maintain. Let me explain how it has helped me.

1) The burden of proof is on WW. It is WW's responsibility to prove to me that the A is over and NC is in place.

2) If I assume it is going on, I have no paranoid desire to keep trying to find out if it is true because I already believe it.

The sad part is that it says you inherently mistrust WW but, given the circumstances, well....

I think once WW has truly committed to NC, then you need to give her the benefit of the doubt and change your thinking but, right now, this may be the best thing you can do for both of you. Just my opinion but it has done wonders for me.

She doesn’t see this as a responsibility. At least not now. She doesn’t believe she needs to prove me anything because she’s innocent (in her opinion).

Absolutely correct. That’s why I don’t check her emails anymore.

I went to Church today (just like any other day) and prayed to God to forgive WW and OM for they are sinners. I asked God to help me show my WW the light at the end of the tunnel. While I was there I felt so relaxed and, believe it or not, confident that the sun will rise again on my street.

I don't want to get into a discussion on theology but you just pressed my button. What you wrote sounds nice and noble but:

1) God didn't need the "heads up". All human beings are sinners. It is our nature. WW and OM being a subset of "all human beings" therefor makes them sinners too.

2) Depending on which brand of Christianity you happen to adhere to, praying that God forgive them may be a moot point.

3) Next time you go to church, don't pray to God to forgive them for their sins. That is the cowardly way. Instead, pray to God to give you the strength such that you can forgive WW and OM for their sins that have hurt you and your family. That, my friend, takes real courage.

Oh, and if you can some day forgive WW, don't necessarily tell her. Maybe later on in the R process this will be important for her but, for now (or when you can do it), keep it between you and God. Don't wear it on your lapel like a merit badge.

Okay. I am off my pulpit now.



Whether she believes it or not doesn't matter. You are right. At the moment she does not believe it. Some day she will and, until that day comes, just keep assuming that it is going on. Easier on the sanity.

We had a little discussion tonight. We went to a furniture store (with DDs and in-laws) and it was not bad. We talked a little bit, but she was very cold and nervous.
After we came home she told me (yelled at me):
"How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to my father about our problem? Did you look at him now? He's a mess. If something is going to happen to either him or my M I am going to hold you responsible for that!" Then she left the room not leaving me the opportunity to say something. After a while, she went to bad. I went upstairs and calmly told her:
"You can't control people. You can't control me. Please stop threatening me."
She goes (sarcastically): "If that is what you understood..."

What you always need to say in that situation IMO is:

"I am not the one who is having any affair. You are solely responsible for that. I never twisted your arm to have you cheat on me. If anyone gets hurt by that, you take ownership all by yourself. You can't blame others for the consequences of your actions. If anything happens to FIL, it all falls on your head."

Is that a DJ? Probably. I would drive that one point home anytime WW opens up that door. I think you missed an opportunity.

By the way, the sun did rise here today. It will probably will get to you in a few more hours - just in case you are up and still have any nagging doubts. I am watching it and it still appears to be on the right track. If it begins to deviate at all, I'll post you a heads up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />