Indifference can be caused by a few things, I think. It can be a defense mechanism to protect you from more pain, it can be a sign of repressed anger, a sign of depression and maybe other things.

It is essentially dangerous in that it can lead you to make very bad decisions. Cutting off your nose to spite your face comes to mind. IMO it is better to allow the pain and deal with it than to protect yourself under the cover of indifference.

Do what you can to shake this off. Watch Rocky III again.

I feel depressed, angry and frustrated.
I've made my decision. Next Friday I will tell my WW, unless something really BIG happens, that I've decided to file for divorce. This is not life. At least not the one I want.

Guess I was right...

Adrian,

I wanted to leave my H so much close to D-day, and was so wrapped around the axle that one time we were driving...He stopped at a stoplight downtown and I had the horrible urge to run. Just jump out and run away from him.

At a busy intersection, a row of traffic on either side just as the light turned green I jumped out and ran. I had no idea where I was going, I just couldn't take another second of pain or doubt.

I didn't care what happened to me, it wasn't that good a section of town. I had to get away.

I think everyone wants to run in one way or another. Emotionally, inside with anger,or by packing up and leaving. Because the prospect of living with someone that has hurt you so terrible is frightening and daunting to say the least. The very idea that we would be willingly keeping them in our hearts is terrifying.

This pain is so deep, that we go numb also. Again, its water around a blister. It so that we can proccess everything and heal.

One thing that helped me look at my situation differently was this.

When all was said and done, would I be able to look my children in the face and tell them with full honesty that I tried everything in my power to heal my marraige?

If this ever happened to them, what would I be teaching them? What if they were truly in love with the person who did it to them, and my example of cut and run led them to bad choices? If the person that did this to them could end up being the love of their life after the pain healed?

In the end it was my children that saved my sanity, their future that governed my will to keep this marraige going.

Please really look inside you, and wait until things start to even out emotionally a little more before you decide.

Snuggles

Dang straight this is not life, and especially not the one you want.

You are at the end of your rope. Taken all you can take.

Anger, pain, frustration... they are all peaking right now and hurting you terribly. The 'indifference' that you are feeling right now is to be expected. It's normal. It's you protecting yourself. In MB terms, it's called 'withdrawal' and it's very very dangerous.

I would suggest that before you commit to divorce, that you consider Plan B.

Plan B will protect you from further pain. It will give you some space and time to get yourself grounded so that you are not making decisions while in this emotional state.

It will give your WW a chance to experience the consequences of her actions without costing your family everything. It will give her a chance to see what life will really be like once your marriage is over. It will give a chance for reality to sink in. See how much she really likes life without her loving husband... without her children...

There's a reason the Harleys came up with Plan B. Actually, there's many reasons... and they are all good reasons.

I'm posting because I did the things you are feeling like doing now. I forced an ultimatum during Plan A. When things didn't go my way, I decided I'd had enough.

I learned, twice, that ultimately I wasn't done. I learned that my W... my FAMILY... was much more important... and that in the end, FAMILY is the most important thing in the WORLD to me.

BUT, the cost of learning those lessons 'my way' was VERY high. It's a price I am still paying and will be paying for years to come.

My Wife's affair is over but we are not in recovery. I bear a share of the responsibility because of the actions that I took when I thought I'd had enough.

It will be years before we are whole again... IF that even happens.

By sharing this with you, I'm trying to save you from that.

Don't go straight to divorce. Do a Plan B.

J

Yes. I did try everything. I wanted to have a W, not a WW. Living with someone who has a double life it’s not something I want. What should I tell my children? That what mommy and daddy are doing is something normal and they should do the same when they are all grown up? I agree that a divorce is not a good example either. But on the other hand what’s the best for kids? To see their parents fighting or to live with one parent and see the other one during the weekend only but no fights? It was HER decision to ignore her family, her H and her children, not mine.

My WW is working on her web site right now. Right in front of me. No shame, no remorse. I know that the first thing she’ll do tomorrow is email the OM whatever she did today. How long can I tolerate this? Ho long? I can’t live with the stress that every time I turn my head she’ll do something related to her A. I simply can’t.

I’ve been looking inside me for the past two and a half months and I’ve asked myself why I was doing what I was doing. I have bent all my principles of a marriage. I have accepted the fact that my WW got intimate with the OM. The pain for accepting that was too much. Way too much.

My heart tells me not to live in denial anymore and no longer accept her lies.



There can’t be a plan B! I have already asked her to move out and she didn’t want to. I can’t force her to leave.

Well that's good. Denial will kill you. Accepting her lies is totally unacceptable.


Yes, it was her decision to have an affair. It would seem it is still her decision. Fine. You have no control over that right now. BUT, you do have control over YOU, and how you handle this situation. So, are you going to make decisions that are going to lead you towards reconciliation and healing, or are you going to make decisions that will lead you towards more pain?

What I want to ask you is this:

How much do you love your Wife? (Not the WW, but your REAL Wife)
How much do you love your children?

How far would you go for them?

I would bet my bottom dollar that if it came down to it, you would give your very life for your kids.

So, if you are willing to die for your children, are you willing to live for them?

I KNOW how painful this is. I have been there. In many ways I am STILL there. So I'm not just blabbing here... I know... I'm not saying any of this lightly...

What would you do if your wife had some horrid disease and was disabled for the rest of her life? Would you stick by her to the end? What if that disease was really nasty, like Alzheimers? Would you abandon her to pursue your own happiness? I bet you wouldn't.

Yes this situation is different, but in some ways it's the same.

What I see you doing now is preparing to make decisions that will affect your WHOLE future, and your children's WHOLE future based on your feelings about a TEMPORARY situation.

You are making HUGE decisions based on your FEELINGS right now. Dude, that's the same danm thing your wife is doing. Please tell me that you have more fortitude and wisdom than that.

As for her leaving... well, you asked her to leave, and she didn't want to.

So, maybe it's time to get a little tougher.

Pack her things, leave them by the front door. Tell her that if she doesn't want to be a part of this marriage and family, that is her choice, but that you will no longer submit yourself to this abuse. You will no longer submit your children to this abuse.

You haven't tried everything yet. You haven't tried Plan B. You haven't tried calling the Harleys (who could give you WAY better advice than me) You haven't been to see a lawyer to discuss your options.

You think you are helpless. You are not.

You think you are out of options. You are not.

You think you are out of stregnth. You are not.

Please try to rise above all this. Again, I KNOW how much all of this hurts, but please remember, it's only TEMPORARY. And although 2.5 months of living with a waywards spouse is a helluva long time, when you compare it to the span of a full life, it's not all that long after all.

I will continue to pray for stregnth for you, and perseverence.

Take care,

J

Oh, Adrian,

You still look at O&H as a spontaneous skill...when it is a practicedcommittment to standard. I don't have the ability to force you to see this is where you error...that your belief one must do it naturally, spontaneously, that will kill your feelings, your family and your chance at a solid relationship in the future.

The opportunity to do what isn't being done for you...to demonstrate that you will be honest in the face of deceit, be open in the face of omission, all because it has no guarantee of the result you want? This is the human part of entanglement--won't give what isn't given. Basis for a tit for tat relationship.

You look more at her deceit than your lies of omission. Sitting in front of you, working on the website, you could practice telling your truth. "What I see you doing right now is choosing to actively continue your infidelity, right here in front of me. I feel thrown away, ignored and worthless. I see you as a woman who has chosen to kill two families and call it good. I want my pain to stop right now. I didn't think I could go ten days and here it is, 73, and I am numb from feeling stabbed by your choices.

But here you sit, in our family home, and I believe it is this desecration that feels like the drain to my last ounce of love. Your hidden cell phone, in plain view, that you purchased secretly to talk to your adultery partner. The website that is more important to you than your parents, children or me. I believe it is this, that you say this isn't happening, and it is. I will not allow you to replace my reality with your fantasy. This is destructive to my very soul. I will speak out and tell you reality."

This is what I hear you saying in my head and on these boards. Your choice to not speak is sync'd with results. Adrian, you choose your results. Results are not based on her actions/reactions. Just your choices. You will then know that you did everything you could, by speaking out, telling those things which you do not. Plan A isn't about how much pain you can take...it is about how true you can be to yourself and your family.

Your choice.

Do you think I have this incredible ability of spontaneously doing this all the time? I don't. I have automatic responses, also. On Thursday at work, for example, my boss jumped on me during a discussion, "You are being nasty!" because I had over-ennunciated four words (I was really tired and wasn't listening well to myself); I retorted, "I am not!" like a child, my automatic response. I did catch it right then, adrenaline pumping, "You may have heard it that way, but that was not my intention."

Practice. Practice. Practice. I added, "Do not define me. That is abusive." She said "We're burying this" and we moved on to finish...and instead of the adrenaline continuing, the anger, frustration and upheaval, I got a drop, a sweet pleasant null, because I needed the answers she had and I believe in her as a person but I no longer fear her. I statements aren't just for your spouse. They are for ourselves to say, "I am changed. I truly am honest, open, and will defend being defined by others."

Your wife, before WW, was exceedingly disrespectful. What she told OMW about driving men, well, shows she has a belief that manipulation is a survival skill she has had to hone. I stand by my belief that this was born in her of her parents...somebody had to be in charge. Even if they were 3, 4 or 5 years old. Leads to a painful, chaotic and unrealistic life.

I know, I've led one.

I can change...see it, know and do my best to live it.

There are no naturals.

Only those who practice their priorities and make priorities their practice.

Reality is you facing your fears, not your pain.

You're sitting there watching her. You go get your inlaws and bring them in and say what you think and feel, in front of them. You say I am desperate for the pain to stop, even while I know it will be years before it does. I want her to leave and stop bringing her choices to violate our family into our home. I need your help. Tell her to stop slicing me open, please.

Pack her bags, put them outside in full view, of neighbors with a cardboard sign that says, "Don't worry. Her new husband is going to take care of her!" give her Plan B letter; remember the one for her folks? Tell them to put it on the line...either they will do what is hard for them for the best for her, or they will aid her in leaving.

Let go the results, Adrian. I would have smashed the secret-but-not-secret cell phone...or thrown it away. You choose. Plan A is not denying reality...reverse babble is not playing along in fantasy, it is resisting to go there at all.

You have many choices, no guarantees and the only person you control is yourself. Stay in the reality.

Reality is that we don't own our spouses. In a human marriage, their choices are against and for their spouse and the marriage...two seperate things. You take all of her actions as against you...like you buy into her blame, when they are against the marriage. If you believe you will only love those who do not make bad choices, become lost or full of pain, then you do not want a human marriage, and will not get love that overcomes, forgives, bears, endures and thrives. You will stay in debt/gratitude mode...what you give, you better get; what you do is the standards for others. Hard, hard life, full of fear and powerlessness, Adrian.

I don't want you to have my old life--rather you want and embrace one with all of that. What you give is done from love, not expectation. That you are safe because you're in God's arms, and pain passes. That you fear is not a reason to act on it. That you fear is because you are human; seperate and equal to all others. You don't earn love, you are love, a child of God.

LA

Wow, LA.... good post... you gotta ease up or I'm going to have to expand my sig line again!

OHMYGOSH...

I'm downright trembling.

Now the wet stuff in the eyes...

I'm quoted. Holy moly!!! (Yes, I liked Robin more than Batman.)

Wow.

I sure don't live by that quote if I'm answering others' questions, do I? Help me with the conundrum, 'k?

Wait, I got it...I'm still answering my own. Whew. That was a close one.

I liked your post, as always, because you and Snuggles really get the timeline...and Adrian doesn't. He can't...he's smack dab in the middle. We're praying he does.

I told him six years. He was stunned. Then I told him that this reality is only for right now. Both are true...he's having cumulative pain of a life time right now...my worry is that if he doesn't grasp his part, it will be six years to unravel it...though you and I know, it would only take one day to run from it.

Just adds more prison time, right?

When are you and soulloss gonna post here again, on your own threads...your story is important for others and for yourselves. What is it in you both posting that was so unworkable?

See how fast I got over the trembling/crying reaction? Man, when I tell people to switch their focus, I know what I'm talking about! I do it, also.

Nice to know you can take it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Snuggles, dewt and LA

Thank you all for your posts. I've read them all twice.

We had a conversation eralier today and it turned out pretty bad. She denies that her A is going on, blamed me for checking her emails, etc. Even though I wanted to tell her that maybe it would be better if we got separated I heard myselfs saying to her the opposite. I asked her not to get divorced. She wants it but I told her that we shouldn't.
Then we only blamed each other for stupid reasons. I realized that it wouldn't take us anywhere. I told ther to think about how she would like to separate from me. I've noticed tears in her eyes.

About plan B. How am I going to pay the mortgage if she moves out? How?

On top of that, my main problem is the fact that I cannot go over the fact she's been intimate with the OM. I just can't.

She dosen't want to work on the marraige because "nothing can be changed".
She became nervous during our conversation, raised her voice, etc.
I can't have these type of conversations anymore. I am too tired. This has to end.

Plan B includes splitting the finances...all household costs get paid and the WS has to live off their share of the rest. That's how we did it. 'Course, WH moved in with his sister, rent free.

Your choice, Adrian. You can work out the details. Sell the house, file for divorce, do what you choose to do.

Why she doesn't want to work on the marriage is hers, not yours. Whatever her concerns were, whatever she wished could be changed, you didn't relate to us or I don't remember. Just the DJs, as I recall.

I won't judge, be angry at or disapprove of whatever you choose. My prerequisite is that you make your choices consciously--she is not making you choose divorce.

Make this your choice, if that is what you are choosing...it is manipulative of you to say to her, "Think about how you would like to do this." You choose. Plan it out, do the research...if you move out, how will she afford the mortgage?

This is part of the choice, Adrian. The pain doesn't end with the decision...the process is as painful, if not more.

There will be more conversations on splitting equity, children's time, insurance, car repair, a lot of details you cannot begin to fathom...they will be painful. You will feel tired of them as long as you wish them to not happen or be different.

Your choice.

We will be here for you. No doubt. We accept you and your choices, though they are different from ours. What is acceptable to you won't change our belief in you.

LA

Whatever ya wanna call it, 'affair' or not, any contact at all with OM is innappropriate and harmful to you and also harmful to the marriage and by virtue of that harmful to your children. Same goes for lying.

Dude, I've read like 5-6 threads today with this exact theme... ws getting busted and turning on the blame. Good Gawd man, your wayward is as typical as they come. And today, you got sucked into her script.

The wayward does not like Plan A. It messes up their justifications. You need to regroup from this.


Doesn't matter if the reasons are stupid or not. The moment you get into blaming, you have lost the battle. It's not like you're gonna make a blaming statement and the wayward person is going to all of a sudden say "You are right, I'm so wrong." ...even if you are right. Especially if you are right.


How about saying, "I really don't want to separate, but as long as you are still in contact, you are causing great pain to me and great damage to this family. I need to protect myself and my children and that's why I have to ask you to pack your things and leave until you are ready to stop your damaging behaviour."

See, no blame. No judgments. No attacks. You can say this with Love and still mean business.


How would you pay the mortgage if she moves out and it's not Plan B? How would you handle it if you moved out? Then you'd be paying your own rent, part of the mortgage and probably child support too. Geez, that's not very helpful is it? On the upside, I honestly believe that if she did move out and you went into Plan B... it would not be for very long.

More later... right now, I got parental duties...........

I did my parental duties tonight. Both DDs are sleeping.

My FIL and MIL were out this afternoon. That's when we had that "nice" conversation. I told my WW we would discuss the details of the separation after her parents would come back. As I expected, after they showed up nothing happened even though I told her "I'm ready when you are". We didn't have a conversation anymore.

You're right, she's not making me choose the divorce. But she chose to hurt me and I can't take the pain anymore. Believe me, I drive to work, I cry in the car, I drive to pick up DD1 from day care, I cry again in the car, I drive to nowhere, I cry again. I just can't stop crying.

It seems that no matter what I choose I'll be in pain. Why? Why can't there be a way out with no pain? If I keep going like this my DDs will end up being raised by their mother only because either my heart will explode or I'll end up in a mental hospital. I HAVE to do something...

Adrian,

I hear you. I know those tears...I cried all those places and at work, also. The pain was so constant, it became a companion. Yesterday I sat across from my H, talking, and something he said touched me and tears welled up and a couple dripped down. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't cry much anymore, do I?" (Did so much, often I didn't realize I was when I was.) "No you don't." "I feel very connected to you right now; grateful." That's all I had. I got to snuggle against him and in moments, it was gone, like a quick hug.

Depression gives puts tears where you trip over them, surprised, caught off guard. Seemingly for no reason. You are in crisis and have been for two and half months. If anti-depressants (ADs) could alleviate the tears, would you do it? What if the choice you made to not take them is the one you're wrestling?

Clarity before decisions is the best course. Clarity of purpose and choice. You sound like a man of no choices. You want out of pain, first choice. I've been doing all I can think of to show you how to lessen the intensity of your pain. My pain was caused directly by me believing my WH's words and my intense wishing for reality to be different.

I fought myself and lost. My heart remained intact; my mind took on reality, finally, with both hands. Read dewt's wisdom again:

"Doesn't matter if the reasons are stupid or not. The moment you get into blaming, you have lost the battle. It's not like you're gonna make a blaming statement and the wayward person is going to all of a sudden say "You are right, I'm so wrong." ...even if you are right. Especially if you are right."

Pain is for growth...suffering is when you refuse to get your lessons. Changing your beliefs will lessen your pain. It means changing the way you live your life. I hear you just want your old life back, the painless one...which it was for you. Do you want it back now knowing it was pain to your wife (not your WW)?

Boundaries. I listed all your other choices in previous posts. Her cell disappears and there is no working on the website in your home. She'll have to do that elsewhere. I lived for three months with my WH working with OW two days a week. To speak to him, I had to call and get her. OUCH.

I know your pain. These are boundaries you can enforce. You can. "I am asking you to not work on the website or call OM in our home again. Your choice. This is my boundary." Make it progressive...next offense, you bring inlaws and stand over here while she violates it, discussing her choice and your feelings. Second time, you cancel the internet provider or broadband service. Third offense, you remove the computer and store it in an unknown location.

You expose at her work. Difficult. Necessary. You are being respectful by informing them, which may explain absences, use of work email to conduct affair, and time on IM during meetings. You want their support to save your marriage and keep a valuable employee. You believe they may already know given the difference in her performance and behavior in the last six months.

You came close to keeping a promise to yourself. "I'm ready when you are" is very close to your truth. You left the outcome on her shoulders, not yours. You can discuss in front of her and inlaws the seperation, continued contact, and DDs without her contribution. You know that. You desperately desire her to own her actions and choices.

I understand. I know it thoroughly...right back there showing "truths" to my WH...that he was choosing to be an adulterer, a liar and all sorts of things...unlike you, at the end of them, I had to own, "And I did, too." I DJ'd, AO'd and SD'd one night. My WH stormed off to his room. Amazingly, in a few minutes, he came back down (a first) and restarted the discussion. That was the night I realized I wanted my pain to change my WH's choices. I didn't want my pain heard and understood...I wanted it beat it into him...I expected my WH to feel my pain. I had done so all our marriage.

My pain is my own.

His is enough for him.

It was an important realization.

It wasn't respectful. It was my truth. I had to change that.

Now...I'm making this too long, I know, and you're kind and very earnest in reading it. Another part of your life affected mine today. A few weeks ago I began sharing my MB stuff with my H...telling of posts, what I'm learning, and how I am feeling. Today was one about lies. I wrote about the receiver and the teller's part in lies. I told him I respected what he believed, what he shared with me as his truth daily, that I trusted him to be who he is...but I did not often believe him.

I asked him how he felt (he winced when I said that).

"Did that hurt?"

"Sure...."

"Why?"

And this man who thinks, who struggles to form sentences of truth to himself and to others, said slowly,

"It goes to an old belief. If I can't be believed, I can't be loved."

And he smiled, a little smile. We're getting there. What a marvelous belief to uncover. What struck me in my experience was the opposite, I said. My mother phrased it as, "When you lie, I can't believe anything you say." I said ILYs the most. If I'm not believed, I can't love. My stepmother was one to say to an ILY from me, "No, you don't."

Check that which you want most from your WW in yourself. This was a short conversation in passing. We reap what we sow, Adrian. Our sowing is our responsibility. Our choices. Get to those beliefs that are tearing you apart and speak them, write them, post them.

My H is startling to me. Irreplaceable. Not for his actions, choices or words...or desire to know himself. He is my choice. Love is a choice. I do not love him because I can trust him, believe him or live through him. He sees that daily. He knows trust is a choice of the giver. He can give evidence of being trustworthy and know he is, but it is my choice.

He says he trusts me, too...that it is his choice. He is choosing to because it makes him feel safe right now.

You can begin IC, Adrian. Enforce boundaries. Distract yourself with an affair. Take ADs. Put a sign on your house that says you're in pain and need help. You can seperate and divorce. You can tell yourself this is only today, this one day. You can go to Al-Anon, read more books on marriage. You can re-expose and widen exposure.

You can be brave when you fear (that lessens pain); you can practice your truth, saying it outloud in the car, driving nowhere, going to daycare and back again. You have many choices and they are yours. You might not have the choice of no pain, but much less pain will feel almost the same.

LA

LA, you rock.

Adrian, you rock too.

I cried a lot too. The OP in my case was our room-mate. The affair happened right down the hall from me. I went to bed at night alone and woke up alone many mornings, knowing that my wife was RIGHT DOWN THE HALLWAY FROM ME!!! Yeeeaaaaarrrrrgggggg!!!! That SUCKED SOOOOOO BAD!!!!

I had a list of songs that would tear my heart out. I would listen to them over and over and over and over...

Anyway... the point is that I got through it.

Time passes.

Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing last forever.

And this too shall pass.

LA,

Thank you for your post.

My choice was to save my M. Otherwise I wouldn’t be on this board posting. But I cannot do it by myself. My boundary is that she ends her A and start recovering our M. Period. It doesn’t make me feel better if she doesn’t work on the website in our home knowing that she will do it somewhere else.
I have asked her so many times to end her A. Yesterday she said “Do you know how many times I’ve tried to end it but you, the OMW and all your friends made things worse. I was talking with the OM about school related problems only but because of you we ended up talking about us again”.
She wants to laugh when she comes home, to have a good time. Well, I want that too, but I can’t lie to myself by laughing when I know that her A is going on.

I understand that her fog is still thick. Maybe thicker than before. I don’t know. What I know is that right now she doesn’t want her A to end and she doesn’t want to work on the M.

She called me this morning asking me to think about DD2. I told her a while ago that I wouldn’t forgive myself if I sent her to Romania. Now she wants to send her to day care. The same day care where we take DD1. Apparently they can accept 4 children less than 2 ½ years old! That would be so easy for me to drop both DDs at the same location. The only problem is that DD2 is accepted starting June 07 only. From April 27 till that day we are not covered. That’s the reason she called me today for. To ask me to think about how we are going to handle this.
The second reason she called was to tell me that we should go out today and discuss about us… I believe she wants to separate. I know that the OM is going to move out staring April 1st. She already has a place where to live.

dewt,
You don’t choose to have Alzheimer, but you choose to have an A. I believe it makes a difference. My reactions are based on that. If something bad (illness) would happen to my W I would struggle more than I am now because it wasn’t her choice and she didn’t deserve it. More than that, I am struggling for DDs not for her.

Dude... we did a simultaneous post. That means you gotta buy me a beer.

Here's something to meditate on... It helped me a great deal. It still does. I hope it helps you too....

It's found in the Bible, Romans 5: 1-5

1 We have been made right with God because of our faith. Now we have peace with him because of our Lord Jesus Christ.

2 Through faith in Jesus we have received God's grace. In that grace we stand. We are full of joy because we expect to share in God's glory.

3 And that's not all. We are full of joy even when we suffer. We know that our suffering gives us the strength to go on.

4 The strength to go on produces character. Character produces hope.

5 And hope will never let us down. God has poured his love into our hearts. He did it through the Holy Spirit, whom he has given to us.

That is absolutely true. However, recovering a marriage happens in phases.

Right now you are a phase that is very fustrating. Your job right now, through Plan A, is to do your best to prevent further damage. That includes working on tactics to end the affair, that also includes protecting your own feelings for your W and your mental and physical health. Plan B is designed around this idea. One step at a time, dude.


Sure there are diffences, but there are parallels too. Maybe alzheimer was a bad example. Let's use depression instead. The point behind it is that right now she's sick. Depression, affairs, stress, these are issues that wreak chemical havoc in a person's brain. It's a physiological FACT that right now your wife's decision making process is impaired.

That's why affairs are compared to addictions on these boards. A lot of the chemical and psychological processes are similar. It's not always as easy as it seems to just step away from that and 'wake up'. You gotta be patient.

I say if she wants to separate, you should let her go. This is the time where it is MOST IMPORTANT to stick to your Plan A. If a separation does indeed happen, her last impressions of you will be good ones. When her life starts to REALLY fall apart, she will remember how you acted and behaved.

My mantra to my W was, "I don't agree with this separation at all, but if it's what you choose, I will respect your decision."

Perhaps I could've talked her into staying (not freakin' likely), but if I had, she'd be FULL of resentment and that would do more harm than the separation.

It's tough to respect someone's decisions when you don't agree with them. Especially when so much is at stake.

Remember though... She has a right to leave the family unit. She does NOT have the right to make you leave.

Let us know how things go. I will be praying for you.