dewt,

Heineken, if it’s ok with you.


I have to admit that I forgot to main purpose of plan A. I will do my best tonight and if she decides to separate then I will tell her that I respect her decision.

Heineken? Sure man, whatever you like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


It is very very easy to get off track. As human beings, it's a programmed, natural response to avoid pain. We will go to extraordinary legnths to avoid pain. That colors our thinking, our logic, our everything. Even though I could be called a veteran of this whole marriage building thing, I struggle with a constant battle inside myself.

What I want now verus What I want most.

What I want now is an end to the pain.

What I want most is a happy marriage with my beloved Wife.

If I want the happy marriage, I gotta get through the pain I live with daily so that the marriage has a chance to grow. Not only do I have to get through it, but I also gotta FLOURISH through it. I gotta grow and improve myself.

I could end the pain anytime. I could give up, walk away... wash my hands of this mess and start rebuilding my life tomorrow. But that would cost me what I want most. Which is a happy marriage, and a stable family for my sons.

Heck, twice (arguably thrice) already I thought I couldn't take it anymore and declared myself 'done'. I found I was wrong. I can take it, and I will take it. And NOT ONLY that, but I will do my best to grow through it and come out BETTER and STRONGER.

Doesn't mean I don't falter sometimes, or doubt myself... but my eyes are on the bigger picture and that helps me keep my perspective.


That's fine. What else can you really do anyways?

That being said, it's fair to be honest about your own feelings. You don't have to tell her that you agree with her decision.

Here's your assignment... (if you choose to accept it)

Follow this link to Plan A/Plan B and read read read. Have it fresh in your head when you go into this conversation.

The other thing... tonight, do not make any big statements to her. Listen, reverse babble if you want (and can do it without lovebusting) but mainly, don't make any commitments and don't make any decisions. It is perfectly fine to say, "I can't answer that right now, I have to think about it."

And for crying out loud, don't you agree to move out!

Obviously what I want most is more important than what I want now. But my point is, can I take absolutely anything to accomplish that? Can I live my life knowing that my WW is in bed with the OM. That I agree that she is only doing it temporarily and she’ll come back to me? I can’t go over the fact she’s already been with the OM, how am I going breath knowing that in that very moment she gives herself to another man??? It’s too much for me. That’s why I’m saying that if she leaves, then she leaves for good. I was told that I should not think like that and not worry about it right now because I wouldn’t know how I would react if she came back. Still, I can’t pretend that I don’t care and move on.

I read, read, read. All of it. It says that recovery can begin as soon as the fog lifts and the A is OVER. Well, we’re not there yet. Maybe we’ll never be there. Okay, I read the rest of it too and will have it in my mind for tonight.


OK. I know I’ve made many mistakes and I’ve done stupid things but THAT will never happen. If we separate, the house will be put for sale. As much as I love our house, I can’t accept that WW will stay there and I’ll live somewhere else. No sir. Never. And since none of us is financially capable to pay the mortgage alone, it’s going to be sold.

"Can I live my life knowing that my WW is in bed with the OM." Totally in your power, Adrian. We advise you to not dwell where only harm will be. You are not to this decision yet--you dwelling on it now is drawing your unknown future into a present that can't handle it right now.

If you decide you MUST decide this inside yourself, or why else try (your daughters), then you will be making this decision with less knowledge or tools than you would otherwise have in your near future, because your WW is still WW and not the woman you love. Same thing...your WW gave herself to another man...your wife didn't.

If you can't leave that for now, that gun in the room you feel you're ignoring, which will tell your future by you pulling the trigger, I'll still respect your decision. I might even be here for you in your future, when the regret and remorse weigh your heart and slow your steps painfully down because you will have that knowledge, those tools, and have already pulled the trigger before its time.

You'll survive that, too, but you won't have any choice then as you do now.

So glad dewt, Traic and everyone are here for you, as well. Your choices, your power, your friends by our choice.

Plan A--you can work on you, shine, and choose the marriage. She has all her choices. Changing your patterns, the way you react, believe and speak, changes the dance. Have you fallen out of step, or are you still dancing to old rhythms?

LA

Lemmee give you a brief of the last 2 years of my life:

-X-mas 2003 Wife's affair with roommate (2 months of this I lived through... knowing what was going on and completely messing up Plan A)
-6 months separation with me as single parent to young son (8yrs) who is completely traumatized - affair is off and on (I still don't feel I know all the details)
-After 3 months, I 'give up' and start dating
-Beginning of June, Wife moves back with me but still won't commit to recovery
-D-day in June when I discovered 'secret' email account set up by 'friends' for W and OP
-W takes son back to old town (where OP lives) for summer vacation
-End of summer, I 'give up' and start dating again.
-End of Fall I realize I'm being an idiot and get back on the marriage building train
-January my beloved Brother is killed in an avalanche
-I get back from funeral to find I've been laid off due to jealousy (of my pay) by other employees
-Another D-day where I find Love-letter emails from OP(by complete accident) which show A has been ongoing
-I get job offer in Ontario and move to Kingston into one of the worst slums I've ever seen (owned by one of my bosses)
-A fouled up insurance contract means no regular paychecks all summer
-Wife and I separate again (largely because of stresses regarding my employment and related issues)
-Fall, no work coming in but my boss/landlord is building his own home (mansion)
-He offers me some work but at subsantially reduced rates
-As soon as he finds someone who'd work cheaper, I'm no longer working for him
-Both bosses assure me that work is coming in
-No work comes in
-A few weeks ago, boss dropped off an eviction notice so it's very possible that by the end of the month I will technically be homeless.
-My car is on it's last legs and I can't afford to have it fixed. When it dies, it takes my ability to produce income with it.

Obviously this is just a brief list. And it is in a very 'poor me' format because I could very very easily dwell on that aspect of it. It would be easy. I would be justified in complaining that this is a lot for guy to bear.

The point is that, 2 years ago... there was a point where my W was having an affair and I was %100 sure that I couldn't take it anymore. I really believed it. There were panic attacks, and regular sobbing sessions with me curled into a corner wanting to die, there was a throbbing knot of physical pain in my chest that would never go away... I was totally wrapped up in the pain of my existance and just knew that I couldn't take it anymore.

I was wrong.

And apparently God wanted to prove it to me. He proved to me that I could take much much MUCH more and still put one foot in front of the other... still choose to keep working at it...

The point is that you too have so much more stregnth than you know.

It is easy to get wrapped up in the pain and that feeling of hopelessness, but in the end, there is really no limit to what you can accomplish.

When you finally realize that you are not weak, you stop feeling so weak.

When you finally accept that so many limits that you think are absolute are just illusion, you come to understand that there are no limits except those that you agree too.

Geez, that last sentence made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Adrian, don't sell yourself short.

You can and will get through this.

And it is totally up to you HOW you do it.

I will post more later, when I'm making more sense. Right now I'm quite under the weather, heavily medicated and babbling.

Oh yeah, and I've also realized that (despite how this post reads) my W is one of the coolest people I know. She's made mistakes and so have I. She's also come through for me more times than I can mention. Still, none of this is acceptable. Not the marriage before, not what's happened since and not even what's happening now. But it is what it is, and I know what's important to me. I know what I have to do and I know that I will do it. I will have the patience and perseverance to get through this because that's my choice and quite frankly she's worth it. My son is worth it. My family is worth it.

That brings a lot of peace, buddy. I wish I knew a way to share it with you...

LA,
I am having a hard time trying to totally separate WW from W. The physical similarity between them is striking. If I could get past that point then I would probably be able to go over what she did. You’re saying that WW is not the woman I love. I definitely don’t love WW and I don’t know if I love my W anymore. My feelings for her have been badly deteriorated. But I certainly do love my DDs.

If you’re happy, then what can I say? Without all of you, by now, I would’ve been a resident at the mental hospital.

dewt,
Man… I thought I had a rough time…
What can I say? You ARE strong. I am so sorry to hear about your brother.
Tell me one thing, if you don’t mind. How did you feel about starting dating? Not that I have any intentions of doing that but I am just curious.

"I am having a hard time trying to totally separate WW from W. The physical similarity between them is striking." Your devilish humor is outstanding...choked on an M&M, caught unaware. Okay, you write my jokes and I will do the stand up circuit, deal?

Now, another book recommendation...Life of Pi, Yann Martel. No, it isn't classified self-help...it is fiction. I have found the best self-help in fiction. I want to post an excerpt of one passage, because I got chills down my arms reading it...with the frame of mind of where you are at and why it hurts so much.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to type a paragraph here.

I began to see this story like a metaphor for marriage with an affair. A 16-year-old boy in a lifeboat with a full grown tiger for 227 days. Does that come close to your fear, your feelings, your belief in the future?

How could he survive it? By releasing time altogether. And by taking God prisoner in his heart.

Adrian, without you or your story, your life as it is right now, I would not have read this passage in the same way, gleaned what I did and watch like a transmutation, it become a viable truth in my life. I heard your heart explode, felt your tears, and knew from Mr. Martel, this was fear...

Okay...I'm doing it...Mr. Martel may sue me. This is something so important to remember as a BS...

Life of Pi by Yann Martel; A Harvest Book published by Harcourt, 2001 (incredibly well-written, artful and I find, true)

Main character speaking, Chapter 56

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully quipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like a possum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies; hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

I consider this a classic novel, needing to be taught in every high school.

Dewt? Adrian? Traic? Snuggles? Am I lost in the words, or does this symbolize what we are doing here? We are here to fight the fear, which attacks us in the form of an affair, the loss of knowing who our beloveds are, what humans can do, exposing our own selves in harsh light, and confusing us. We are here struggling to fight this foe, this opponent of life...not our WS's choices or actions.

Our fear.

Our own fear.

So, if you want, take a look at reallyconcerned's thread, Adrian, where she looks at her fear that her WH won't change. "Seeking Experience and Attention to Detail" thread.

You are strong, Adrian. And human. To run from your fear is equal to what the waywards do, and you promised not to do that. You see the carnage of the unfought battle. You choose your results, Adrian.

Wait to know what you will know when you get to your future. Read this book. Live this life for the hours it takes you, breathe it in, fill yourself, and your life rest for awhile.

You directly impact other people's lives with your presence. As we do yours. Our presence is here. No less, no more. That is the wondrous human condition. Get your hands off what isn't yours and hold well and strong to what truly is--your choices.

May quoting this amazing book not land me in jail...it would be my first time, and I believe very worth the price.

LA

Well you do... it's all about the frame of reference. When I was at 2 months, my W was active in her affair, I couldn't take it. I was where you are now. I knew nothing of what was to come. I was wrapped in the pain of the moment and I just couldn't take it.

Now? Yeah, life is crap. Yeah, some of my most important needs are not being met. Yeah, I'm still a damaged and hurting unit.

BUT... my recovery is no longer linked to a WW.

I've been tested and learned a lot about how little I actually knew I was capable of.

I shared all that not to say "my life is crappier than yours", but to try to say "DAMMIT MAN, WE ARE WAY STRONGER THAN WE THINK WE ARE!!!"

Things have gotten worse, but I have gotten better.

And because I will not give up, they will continue to get better.

Because I'm following a greater, master plan, the small battles don't drain me as much.

I see them for what they are... moments that pass... experiences that fade into the mists of history...

I do not let the tough spots distract me, or disuade me because my sights are set further into the future than the next moment.

There are issues at stake that are SO MUCH BIGGER than my own personal comfort at this particular time.

I focus on those issues. I keep my sights on the BIG prize.


Yes. Stronger than I thought or even suspected. I'm trying to tell you that you are too. I'm trying to tell you that there's a well of stregnth inside you that you can tap into. You are strong too. Quite possibly you are stronger than I am.

One thing though... I made a lot of choices that have made this whole thing a lot harder than it needed to be. A big reason that I started posting to you was because I wanted to try and help you avoid some of those same mistakes. Some you will avoid naturally, because, well, I'm quite insane, whereas you seem to have your act together.


Thank you. It is a very bad thing that this happened. It's one of the reasons I'm thinking of moving out West. He left behind two children and that's just unacceptable.


I wanted the pain to end. I would have done anything for the pain to end. I wanted to feel loved, cared about, attractive, valuable, worthy, sexy... That's pretty much how I felt.

Dating was nice. It was like an immediate balm for my hurt. Instant gratification.

Ultimately it was hollow. It was an illusion. I don't want another woman. I want my W. I want my family. MY family.

I dated twice and in both cases hurt the person I was dating. I was honest about my feelings for my WW and was upfront about hoping for reconciliation with my W. Nevertheless, when I broke up with them, they were hurt. It was thoughtless, cruel and selfish of me to even start dating.

It also severely impacted my recovery hopes in regards to my W.

I mean here I am telling her that I love her and want to save our marriage and yet I'm dating???

Yikes, and I had the gall to say she was in the 'fog'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, beloved sexy neighbour/W/ExW has just cooked for me and presented me with a tasty alternative to slow death by starvation so I'll check in later.

Hope things are going well.

John

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It’s basically OVER…
It was 9.00PM and no talk between myself and WW. I took DD1 upstairs in her bedroom where I found my WW working on her laptop. I asked her what she was working on. She said website. I was not happy. She asked me “what happened?”
I said: “The same website you’re working on with your affair partner?”
My WW: ”Yes”
Me: “I thought you said he’s not working with you on the website anymore”
My WW: “I never said that”
BIG lie, of course.

Me: “It seems to me that the website is more important to you than our marriage and our DDs”
My WW: “That’s not true”

Anyways, I asked her about the conversation we were supposed to have.
My WW: “I am very tired.”
Me: “And if I didn’t ask you about it you wouldn’t have said anything? You could’ve just come down in the basement and tell me that. You’ve disrespected me by ignoring me.”

I left the bedroom.

After a while she came down in the basement.
My WW (sarcasm): “OK, let’s discuss.”
Me: “Let me see if I get this straight. You were too tired to speak with me about our marriage but had enough strength in you to work on the website.”
My WW: “You don’t understand how important that is for me. You never understood.”
Me: “I understand that to you this is more important than our marriage. Help me understand why. Is that important because you really enjoy working on it, our because you are working on it with your affair partner?”

I only got from her a sarcastic laugh at this.

Anyways, the conversation was bad. The same old story. I am at fault, she’s perfect, the OM is perfect.

Me: “I don’t understand how you can love a traitor, someone who is betraying his family, someone who is capable of giving up his own son. I would die for my DDs.”
She blamed again the OMW. “She should’ve given him more time”.

She is blaming me for exposing the A to the OM’s parents. “You should’ve let him tell them. On top of that, the way you did it was wrong. Why did you hang up at one point of time?”
Me: “Because they didn’t believe me. Help me understand this: You’re saying that he should’ve told them. Then why did you blame me back in January when I told my parents about your A? Why did you tell me that that was a mistake? I don’t get it. It’s OK for the OM to tell his parents but for me it’s not? And why didn't he tell them so far?”


I am not going to post everything we’ve discussed, it would take me a few good hours to do it. On top of that it was again just a game that didn’t take us anywhere.

Bottom line is that:
– She wants a divorce
– She wants DDs to live with her. She says that DDs need their mom. She says she knows better then me how to raise DDs.

I have not made any comments about that. I only told her that DDs need both parents not only oone of them.

What do I do? I tried to explain her for the 1,000th time that we can make things work. She still does the fog talk. I am hopeless. I am tired. My body is weak. I can't sleep.
She wants the divorce.

dewt,

I am sorry but I have not seen your post. I guess because I was too affected by what I’ve discussed with my WW tonight.

That’s exactly how I feel. Someone at work told me that I should have a fling so I can feel better. No, I don’t want that. As long as I am married to my W or WW I am not going to do that. I don’t want that illusion.

She wants a divorce? Is she going to file for it? When? How? What are the arrangements?

WS's say they want a divorce and do not take action. Are you going to take action for her?

I think you did great. I heard truth and pain...and pushing. You are feeling weak when you were strong. You didn't get results you wanted. Let go the results.

She knows what you believe about the marriage working. She does not believe it. Part of the fog. Denial of behavior, no ownership of lies, contribution, nothing.

You can't make her own it. Please stop trying.

You are believing her again, Adrian. You are taking her statements as truth when you knows she lies.

Why do you have to know what to do? Can you just be, sleep, rest, be?

LA

Gonna go off topic for second...

LovingAnyways, a couple of pages back you asked:


We are not likely to post on MB together. Dylan has very little use for a lot of the vindictive, judgemental attitudes that can be found on MB. She reads from time to time, but very very rarely posts. (She does post on another board, set up by an MB trained coach who has branched out)

Also, Dylan and I are not in recovery. Although things are going very well between us, officially our relationship is in a holding pattern until we each resolve some of our personal issues.

Finally, despite our love of writing, and our individual abilities to express ourselves with the keyboard, it would seem that we don't have very good chemistry online. The few times we did post back and forth, it went very badly.

I have plans to post 'my story' at some point, but that may not happen for a while as I only have sporadic times to post and a full history would be a MAJOR commitment.

I meant to reply to you earlier, but got caught up...

Adrian...

Just keep taking it easy. One night's conversation is not going to make or break you. She is still in contact, so the A technically still 'on'. Very little progress can be made with a partner who is still involved with OP. And while this is happening, anything that comes out of the wayward's mouth is fog spew.

I don't think a wayward is a fit parent. Seriously. How can you introduce such chaos into the life of a child and call yourself a good parent? How can you rob a child of a secure and loving family environment and in the same breath make a case that you will provide better care for this child? It makes no sense. Total babble.

Oh, and good choice on the not dating thing. It was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. And I've done a LOT of REALLY stupid things in my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The only thing I could think of was to post this, the song used to make me cry my my eyes dry. Now it makes me smile. Just like the entire meaning of the song changes, when you look back this whole painful time will change in your veiw.

I will remember you, (Lyrics)
Sarah Mclachlan

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smiling in the sun
Want to feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard.

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories.


I used to think of it as a song of loss, now I think of it as a song for my husband. I remembered my HUSBAND..the man I fell in love with. The one I gave children to. Not the water gargling psychopath he became for a long time.

Last night...something happened and I cried.

We were talking over memories....
For a four year period..my HUSBAND was absent. A stranger lived with me. I looked at my H, and asked him if he remembered a certain thing...

He said no...

So I asked something else.

Again no.

I finally asked him "Honey...do you remember anything about us at all from that time?"

He remembers FRAGMENTS of those 4 years. He sat there...looked at me...and choked up. He told me that he feels like he threw away, lost, 4 years of our lives together.

Thats the depth of this problem we face Adrian...when they tell you that isn't your WIFE sitting there laughing sarcasticly...when they tell you its SOMEONE ELSE.

They hit the truth deeper than you can ever imagine.

I mourn for those years. I was so ill, so sick. I had two surgeries...H just shut down.

He had completely abandoned me, emotionally and physically. He wasn't THERE. Inside or out.

Maybe I need to go into a little detail...but its painful for me still. I try hard not to think about it. However, I think its important that you know, so that you can see where I'm coming from.

(cont next post)

'Fallen' Lyrics

- for a glimpse into the guilt, shame and 'pride' of a wayward...



Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
With no where left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step, one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

I've messed up
Better I should know
Don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so




I'm with Loving Anyway on this one....your WW wants a divorce?... SHE needs to do the work involved....don't you dare lift a finger to help her destroy your family...splitting marital assets, selling the house, figuring out visits with your dd's...finding herself a new place to live....all this will suddenly be hers to deal with.....

again - DO NOT LIFE A FINGER TO HELP HER ...(of course, you should quietly get to a lawyer and find out what your rights are, and what can be done to ensure you have an opportunity to try for custody of your girls, find out if her infidelity can be used by you to help in any way) .....so...take care of you....take care of your dd's.....do not try to get conversations out of the WW....do not follow her around the house looking for and then getting confrontations....

tend to yourself and your healing....do you meditate?....have you spoken to the priest where you go to church?....

no more talk about the A, no more talk about the M or your R....ease up...not for her sake, but rather for YOURS....focus on your girls, go out just the 3 of you and do things....get yourself into a grounded, calmer place ..if that means finding things outside of the home to do...then do it.....shower, run, smell nice, dress nicely..take care of your hygiene and diet...stay healthy...do those home renos you have talked about (they'll help get a better price should you actually need to sell)....

go about your days and evenings with an attitude that shows the girls and yourself are now your focus....if anything gets said or asked...tell your WW you love your W, and miss her, and you hope your W comes home soon ....



~ Dylan

the 'be a lighthouse' song..or the 'Plan A' song...

'Answer' Lyrics - sarah mclachlan


I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty, I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It'll all be worth it
Worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It'll all be worth it
Worth it in the end

'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind


~ Dylan (sorry Dewt...I keep forgetting to log you off...sigh)

I have read all the posts. I am in too much pain and I can't focus on writing now.

When you feel up to it...this is my story Adrian. I didn't want to post it in your thread because this thread is for your support. Please bear with any spelling errors, because I tried to get it out in text as fast as I could.


Snuggles and Olderpopos story

I'm back...

Snuggles,
I read your story. Touching. I can’t believe there are people so strong like you out there. I am impressed. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

I had a very rough morning. I went home for lunch. I had a chat with my MIL. She is against what her daughter did but at the same time, in a way, she’s on my WW’s side. She told me that I should not push my WW to end her relation. “It will die by itself” she said to me. “And don’t be grumpy every day”
I told her how I felt by being lied to by my WW. That’s why I was the way I was in the past few days. I said: “There is a big difference between being grumpy and being hurt. I was and still am hurt but nor grumpy” I need time to heal.

She mentioned that I shouldn’t have told my WW that I was reading her emails. “Things were getting better” but what you told her upset her more.

I only said that for us, to recover the marriage, my WW should go for no contact. Not much can be done otherwise.

Anyways, after an hour of talking to her I felt a little bit better. My feeling was that she understood where I was coming from.

After lunch, at one point of time I called my WW:
“Hi! How are you?”
My WW: ”I am busy. We have a release today and I’ll be late. You?”
Me: “I wanted to go to the mall with you and take a look at the leather jacket I liked, but since you’re going to be late I guess we won’t go tonight.”
My WW: “Probably not, but we can go tomorrow”
Me: “OK”
My WW: “My father told me that while he was pushing the stroller with DD1 to daycare today a wheel fell off.”
Me: “I know. He told me that but I think I can fix it. I’ll go with him tonight at Home Depot and buy what I need to do it.”
My WW: “Did he leave the stroller at the day care?”
Me: “Of course. It’s parked over there in the garage. It’s got a flat tire.”

We both started laughing. I felt soooo good. It’s been a long time since we laughed together. I have such a strong desire to laugh out loud. Just like in the old times.

Me: “Honey?”
My WW: “Yes?”
Me (after a few seconds): “I love you.”
My WW: “Yes” (that was the answer I kind of expected…. not the one I really wanted)
Me: “Call me before you leave work.”
My WW: “I will call you even before that.”
Me: “OK. Bye.”
My WW: “Bye.”

If MIL thinks you are being grumpy then WW probably thinks you are being grumpy too. Grumpy is not good Plan A stuff IMO. On the other hand, I have found a way to fit throwing up on WW as a good Plan A strategy so my methods are a little arcane. Try to be positive and upbeat. I know that is a superhuman task. Am there, doing that. You still have to suck it up and do it. How often do you tell WW ILY? Why did you feel the need to tell her that? I am not saying it is bad or good. What bothers me is that her reaction bothered you. If that will always be the case, don't say it.

Was telling her you read her emails a mistake? Moot point. Done and dusted. There is no right or wrong in this. There are many paths but only one destination. Stay on the path you have chosen and don't retrace steps.

How long before MIL and FIL return to Romania?

I believe I might have misled you. I was not surprised by her answer. I expected it to be that, so I was not angry.

Not often at all. I can’t even remember when I told her ILY last time. Today, I just felt that way. Don’t know why.

April 27th, 2006.