Yikes!!! Hold up there, Tex...

While it's important not to protect the WS from the consequences of their actions, you don't exactly want to be using anti-babble like a big club.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Things are really chaotic for me these days, and I'm not posting much... but I am keeping up to date on you guys. I just wanted to say that I'm encouraged by the progress you are making. Not just on your marriages, but on your own dern selves too.

That's all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

J

My WW told me that she'll go shopping with her mother on Saturday, which is the same day when the OM moves out. Any thoughts about that? Would MIL do that? Am I being paranoiac? Oh, what the h3ll. I am going to spend my day with DDs and my FIL.

We spent the evening at the shopping mall. The whole gang. Myself, DDs, WW, FIL, MIL. At one point of time BIL and his W showed up. I felt ignored by my WW. She disappeared very often. She got in several stores without telling me. Didn’t like that. It was the opposite of what we usually did. The conversations between us were kept at a minimum.
We got home, gave DDs a bath and after that I asked my WW if she wanted to watch a movie on TV. Surprisingly she accepted. Not much talk during the movie. It was a good one (I had seen it before) that’s why I asked her. I knew she was going to like it. She did.

That was it.

Oh, THANK YOU, Adrian!

"I was reading the five stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."

Here's a truth, and I'll understand if it wipes out all your beliefs about me...

I was talking about our need to grieve every day...and said there was denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance...counting on my fingers in the conversation. I was really frustrated, and said, "I know there are seven but I can only think of five." LOL Solves that question, huh?

LOL Mourning isn't in that order...usually begins with denial, but we go back and forth through all of them...sometimes, many times...acceptance is always at the end, though...unless you're like me and think there are SEVEN stages.

::::

What a relief.

I'm torn about Saturday...have you asked MIL about the plans, and what if this is part of a meet, what would she choose to do? Wouldn't hurt. Voices your concern and recognizes MIL's choice, right? O&H, Adrian. O&H.

So much shopping...my H would LOVE your family. Yech. I respect it but am terrified of it. Personal issues. LOL

However, I owned a gift shop once...so go figger.

LA

Hey, Dewtster!!! I thought of you last Sunday when I heard the song by CCR..."Lookin' out my back door." Has no meaning except you're a real human being and not just fine words on a cyber page, my man.

Dylan...not so much. :::ducking::: One thought...the world could benefit from more of your posts. You know that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

::waving to boby and Traic, too...but got no songs for ya yet::

What on earth are you complaining about? A wife who doesn't insist that you accompany her everywhere to comment on how this looks or that looks, does this color look good on me?, is this too tight?, what do you think of these shoes?. Are you insane? I can see that your WW has some admirable qualities after all. You are a lucky man.

Is MIL hefty? Can she haul a lot of boxes? If not, I doubt WW would want to get her involved. This might just be more of a symbolic thing for WW. Doesn't want to be home while she knows OM is moving out.


sorry - did it again - posted as WW instead of traicionado

Way to go, Gemela!!! LOL

Oh, darn...just Traic.

For a minute there, I could see why you loved your wife so much...but then, it was only you.

:::ducking:::

LA

No need to duck LA. I always said she was my better half. Still believe that.

Yes..."only you"...I get that a lot...even from DDs <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

She never went out shopping by herself. Not because I didn’t let her do that but because she didn’t want to go without me. And I love shopping so I didn’t mind. I hate shopping alone. I feel the need to talk to someone, get another opinion about an item, laugh, be happy when I buy something and enjoy it. We did everything together. Always. Except the A, of course.
I wouldn’t say that I am a lucky man. I’d rather say I WAS a lucky man.


gemela, there is no need to be sorry. I am very happy you posted on my thread. I would like to see more posts from you here.

O&H? What is that?
MIL is telling me that I am too suspicious. Asking her about WW meet with the OM would complicate things because she’ll tell WW that I am checking on her and that would lead to a fight.
I spoke with my WW about Saturday. I told her that we need to take the minivan for the oil change therefore I need her to give me a ride back. Also, we need to go file for taxes and that might take us lots of time. She said that she could postpone the shopping for Sunday.
I am having a hard time believing that my MIL would be part of a secret meeting between WW and OM. But that’s just me.

Anyways, I am taking my WW to a basketball game on Friday. Hopefully we’ll have a good time.

O&H...Openness and Honesty...hmmm...were ya being funny there or really forgot how much I've harped on you about it?

Hmmm...

LA

Hey, Traic...you reminded me of a story. A woman told me that every morning of their marriage, her H would wake up, look at her and say, "Oh, it's you" as if he expected her to be someone else. He has done this every morning of their marriage for 23 years. She laughs heartily when she says it. Blushes and shakes her hair. She's as in love as she was in the beginning.

Our terms of affection can be screwy; the love remains a constant..."only you" because you are a constant. There's really no "only" about it, huh?

LA

No LA, I wasn’t being funny. It’s just that I am not having a good day. And it’s only 9.42AM.
Yesterday evening, when we were at the mall, at on point of time I walked with DD1 ahead of everybody else. My SIL heard my MIL telling my WW: “Have you seen him? He’s grumpy again.” Obviously that pissed me off.

I am not OK today. Not at all.

Just logged in to say hi.
Nothing much with me, he yelled at me twice last night (I was holding the baby I don't know how......)I completly ignored him.
Gemela, so far no boxes, it's Thursday and he did not packed, we don't talk about his moving, we don't talk about anything.

Adrian, I always told you DO NOT trust your MIL, she is covering for them. As far as the bad day goes, just remember if you look happy she is miserable, so just be happy for no reason. Be happy because today is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday.

PS. Today is Thursday and I made it so far without crying.Do I deserve a big hand, or what?

Big hand to boby...you're gonna make your goal! Wish you'd make a boundary that when someone raises their voice to you, that you tell them to stop, you consider it abuse, and walk away if they continue. You can smile and sympathetically nod, but recognize their choice to yell and your choice to not listen.

Great book...I think it can save marriages..."Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend. Just started it.

Okay, Adrian...

Do you understand why you get upset when someone says, "You're grumpy." You may think it is because you have no control over what others think...and that you are thoughtful, not grumpy, that you're not allowed to be you, that you're constantly judged.

I think it gets under your collar so fast because it is abusive. "You are grumpy," defines you. A judgment that just keeps on judging, endlessly.

Practice smiling...so when they do this, you can shine when you reply, "I realize I've judged the heck out of everyone, MIL, FIL, WW, the world at large, but I have learned that's abusive and if you choose to define me, I will have to remove myself from your presence." No threat, happy voice, and really sincere on how hurtful what you've been doing to others really is. You get it now. It is stabbing you in your heart...so you commit to stop doing it. Then you can defend your boundary.

You can do this. I know you can. This is part of the DJ package you pledged to your WW you'd work on. Big part. Just doesn't look the same when it is being done to you...and you can't do it to yourself, either. Remember that?

There is no DJ if your MIL "I believe you are unhappy tonight. I wish you weren't unhappy." Or your WW "I feel like you're angry with me. I see you as grumpy." It is the defining...tell you who you are... "You are unhappy. You are terrible to be with when you don't get your way." Those things are definitions, right? Stated as fact. When they are opinions.

LA

LA,

Thank you so much for your post

You're welcome very much, too. You are not special or defective, Adrian...I see this all over the board...we grow up thinking this is how we treat people...we tell them who they are and they tell us who we are...until we don't agree or don't like what we are being told...

What seems so natural is very destructive. You're not alone. I see marriages without A's have this...most all of them with A's have this...sneaky sabatoge, eh?

You're good at identifying your expectations and what happens outside of your routine...the trip to the mall...wasn't to your expectations nor routine. How far down did it unsettle you? How open are you to reality being what it is, as it transpires, without you causing, controlling or curing it?

LA

Since I am trying to recover my M I am quite open. I wish I could control the reality…

Nothing special this evening. WW had moments when she was in a good mood and aslo moments when she was "not present". We took DDs to the grocery store and that was pretty much it.
I'll be on the road tomorrow but back in the city on time to meet my WW downtown to go see the basketball game.

Well if you remember way back in your tread, I was trying to tell you this also so now I don't feel so alone.

boby,

Why do you make this statement? What makes you think this? I think it is important that everyone understand MIL's role in this. What about FIL?

adrianc,

When you say you love shopping...well...I am not going to respond to that one. I just would kinda keep that to yourself though - especially in Canada. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

??? What are you trying to say? Please tell me.

[Why do you make this statement? What makes you think this? I think it is important that everyone understand MIL's role in this.]

Traic - the women lied to me way back in January when she told me everything is OK I spoke with my daughter and she will come back to her family - that very day they both spent the night elsewere then home (and i was only 35 weeks pregnant). Also scenes from Adrian's home from December that didn't make a lots of sense then and make sense now (I did found out November 22 that something is wrong but I wasn't sure because I didn't saw her replys to his emails up to December 26)

[What about FIL] - I never spoke with him about all these, he is a good man. The stick is in MIL's hand, so he does what she says.

It makes any sens?

We went to see the basketball game tonight. Before we met she did some shopping. She bought herself a leather jacket. She deserves it, right? (sarcasm).
My WW was OK after we met, didn't talk very much but she was not bad. After we got home she became less friendly.
I am tired...